How many actual OW?

[OzGirl]

Well, he didn't get the opportunity yesterday to speak to her alone. She'd organised a few family activities that made it impossible.

 

He called this morning and we chatted for a while. I'm disappointed in him, because I'm sure he could be handling this better. At the same time, I know it has to be one of the hardest things in life to tell someone you want a D or separation... because of all the fallout, and the no-going-back-ness of it.

 

So here I am, still stuck wondering whether to go NC on him or give him more time... more time... more time.

 

If he wanted to leave his W, wouldn't he do it anyway? I mean, whether you're there in contact or not - he either wants to be with her or he doesn't.

 

Why not say to him that you understand there's obstacles in his way - either he can control that or not - but you understand that's how things pan out, so maybe it's best you give him space to sort that out FIRST, then contact you when it's DONE.

 

He sounds like what a lot of Australian's call a "gunna" (due to our lazy pronunciation of words). Gunno do this. Gunno do that. Always gunna do something... but doesn't actually do anything except say they're gunno do things.

 

I've read a lot of what you post, and you sound very strong in your thoughts and conclusions, so I'm not going to patronise them with a convoluted explanation of what I think. It's up to you and what you think, naturally.

 

But, you know... read your post... you almost sound dissappointed in yourself for telling us this. You seem to expect us to read that and, therefore, think that about you.

 

At the end of the day, it's not us you're letting down.... you know who it is.

 

I used to work for a person who demanded the impossible of me. So, what I would do is send him an email when I'd done these various tasks. But, I'd compose the email first and write what I wanted to send him, then do all the work and whatever effort it took to make that email true. Then, once done, send it to him. It worked for me and kept me on track.

 

Your next post - what would you love to tell us about what happens from this point on? Write in an email, send it to yourself. Do the actions to make it true, then post it to us. See how that makes you feel.

 

You don't sound to happy right now. I'm biting my tongue on what I really think you ought to do, but it's your journey, your story, your outcome. You make it happen, let it happen, and you own it.

 

For all it's worth, I support that you make decisions that are well thought out, and I hope to hear more cheerful news on your situation, who's in control of it, and who's feeling more satisfied for it. Best of luck.

[movinon05]

If he wanted to leave his W, wouldn't he do it anyway? I mean, whether you're there in contact or not - he either wants to be with her or he doesn't.

 

You know this is one thing that I often forget about. My MM told me that if I wasn't going to be there for him, he would not leave his marriage because there's no point. He would just live with what he had. I didn't care for that answer because I would point out to him that if he was unhappy, it was ridiculous to stay in a marriage just for the convenience. That is why, if he ever did contact me again, I would tell him its over for good. And not to insult my intelligence by putting me through this til he finally left and was out of that house and divorced. Then maybe you can talk to me but I would not wait. But I know my MM will not leave unless he knows I am there waiting - if he were to ever really do it. I've posted about his son graduating. It'll be all him and his W now.

 

Having said that, I'm kind of depending on him not leaving because he knows I won't be there. I don't think he's strong enough to end it just because the M is over. At least that way, I don't have to deal with to option of having him back in my life. Its my failsafe way of keeping me from taking him back. Does that make sense?

[Sami_D]

Thanks for the replies

 

What I'm thinking is this. He's come a long way in a month (ish). A month ago he was talking about 'when the kids are older'. But since then I've been to the doctors, told him that it's now or never as far as I'm concerned. He's investigated the practicalities of D and S. He's come to terms with it. And now he's waiting for the right time to tell her.

 

He's also asked me, for the first time, to wait for him. He's told me that I'm the one getting him through all this. And while he would talk to her anyway, probably leave anyway, he does need me. I don't think walking away at this point just to hurry things along is a great idea.

 

I think what's messing with my head mostly at this point isn't anything I'm seeing in him, it's all the stories I've read on these boards about it not working out. And the comments I get from people who say he'll never do it... it's just another version of the same. And my doubt... increases.

 

Plus, he's not promising me he'll do it. I said to him this morning, it will all be OK, won't it? And he said... I'm doing everything I can to make sure it will. Nothing definite. Nothing I can hang on to and believe in. I don't know whether that's good or bad. All I know is that this is all very hard.

 

If I go NC now, I will be totally in the dark about what he's doing. Whether he's told her, or decided to wait another few years. I'll be left hanging. Because I'm not ready to walk away from this yet. I did NC last year, and it was such a bad experience. It didn't make anything any better and I ended up calling him after 2 weeks. I said then that the only way I'd do NC again was if I was through with him.

 

And I'm not through yet.

 

In order to be through with him, I'd have to be sure he's not going to tell her soon. And I'm not sure of that. I know he's not approaching this in the way I would... but then, he's not me. And I've never had to tell my children that I don't want to live with them any more... and look at their little faces. So... I'm cutting him some slack. He needs to do it his way... but he does need to do it.

 

When I get to the point where I know he's not going to do it, then I'll be through.

[movinon05]

Well that was kind of my point Sami. But as I used to point out to my MM, everytime he tried, it was like he kept just sticking one toe in the water and then would pull it back out again. There's NEVER going to be a good time, there's a long road ahead of him, and its not going to be pretty. But you either make up your mind to do it or you don't. It's the back and forth thing that shows everyone involved the MM is unresolved with the issue. So, if you choose to give it time, then that's what you do. I understand exactly what you're saying. It's like "What if this is the time he really does it?" Just don't let him keep you on the rollercoaster forever. Please.

[Sami_D]

I get what you're saying, movingon.

 

I can't be sure, but I don't think MM is sticking his toe in the water, exactly. He's decided he needs to tell her, but there really does have to be a right time, because of this:

 

He has 2 children, 9 and 11, and he doesn't want them to overhear a conversation where he tells her he wants a divorce and she argues against it (as presumably she will) and the children themselves will be a big part of that argument. He wants to have that argument/discussion when they're both out of the house. Which makes sense to me.

 

He's read all the stuff about 'telling the children the right way' and wants, if possible, for his W and him to tell them together that it's a decision BOTH parents have made, because of the breakdown of their R. Once they've had the conversations about access, and so on. That won't work if the kids have heard them arguing about a divorce.

 

So, I'm with him on when to tell her from that perspective.

 

(I also think that things probably won't go as he's hoping... but that's another story...)

 

The problem is... that the kids are rarely out of the house together. And haven't been since he's decided to tell her. He thought it would happen yesterday... but no. She and the children are all at home all week and it's possible that there will be a time this week. If not, then she has a half-day off work next week and the children will be at school. So that seems like the logical time to aim for.

 

So... I'm thinking that he should tell her before the end of the month.

[Jessie61]

Sami D,

 

I feel that I could have been the one writing your posts....

 

What explanation did he give you for not telling her yesterday, other than that she had organised a family get together? Has he told you that he will tell her today or later this week or whatever?

 

Is this the 1st "deadline"/promise he has broken?

 

Talk to him and find out what he is going to do or what steps he feels he has to take before he can pack his bags once and for all.

 

Then I think you should give him a deadline; decide for yourself what it is; make sure it is realistic and that it gives him a real chance to do what he feels he has to do. BUT you absolutely HAVE to stick to it!!!! If you have waited around for "x" amount of time (up to you how long!), giving him a reasonable chance to do what he is supposed to be doing, then you have to mean what you say! That means that if he misses it, then you will be gone out of his life forever!

 

However, if he has broken deadlines in the past, then you might be slightly more careful about things?

 

My own MM broke our deadline in January just gone. I broke off contact completely. Unfortunately (?) almost 2 months later I bumped into him in town when I had to go home on family business and the circus started again. He wants another deadline and he has told me about everything that he has done practically etc to show that he is actually going to do it. I am quite understandibly VERY reluctant to agree anything. My heart tells me that he could be geniune, but my head tells me a completely different thing.... The eternal dilemma...????

 

I could be in exactly the same situation as yourself at the moment, or possibly a few weeks ahead of you????

 

Stay in touch! Let me know what happens!

[Sami_D]

What explanation did he give you for not telling her yesterday, other than that she had organised a family get together? Has he told you that he will tell her today or later this week or whatever?

 

Is this the 1st "deadline"/promise he has broken?

 

Talk to him and find out what he is going to do or what steps he feels he has to take before he can pack his bags once and for all.

 

Then I think you should give him a deadline; decide for yourself what it is; make sure it is realistic and that it gives him a real chance to do what he feels he has to do. BUT you absolutely HAVE to stick to it!!!! If you have waited around for "x" amount of time (up to you how long!), giving him a reasonable chance to do what he is supposed to be doing, then you have to mean what you say! That means that if he misses it, then you will be gone out of his life forever!

 

However, if he has broken deadlines in the past, then you might be slightly more careful about things?

 

Hello Jessie!

 

No, he hasn't broken any deadlines, because I haven't set any. This Monday thing was his idea, because he was having trouble coming to the point with W. He thought that if he ear-marked a day to do it, then he could focus his thoughts, and go through with it.

 

Only, if you see what I wrote in that earlier post about him wanting the children out of the house to have that conversation with her..? Then you can see that as W had organised some activities yesterday, and they were all together all day... that opportunity didn't arise.

 

Well, I told him this morning that his 'plan' had been flawed... that he can't say he's going to tell her on a particular day IF he has no control over where the children are. Well, I knew that Thursday (when he told me his plan) but I didn't say anything then because I didn't want to sound picky and criticise him... and I hoped he'd find a way to make it happen... but no.

 

I know he's not putting 100% effort into MAKING an opportunity... because it's not something he's looking forward to . And yes... he admits that he's willing to leave it to 'time and chance'.

 

See, the thing is, his W and he never do anything alone. Never go out and have babysitters for the children. And while the children are both active in things they do after school and weekends, it's usually one or other parent who is with them. So... the opportunities are few and far between.

 

I say to him... why don't you just say to her look, we need to talk, or we need some time alone, or let's do this (activity alone). But he replies... well, if I say THAT then she'll be wondering WHAT is up... WHAT we 'need to talk' about... and the conversation will happen right then.

 

So... um. Unless anyone has some brainy suggestions... I'm really going to have to let 'time and chance' influence this... aren't I?

[silktricks]

So... um. Unless anyone has some brainy suggestions... I'm really going to have to let 'time and chance' influence this... aren't I?

 

I don't know how comfortable you would feel making suggestions to him, but would it be possible for him to take a day off work, while the kids are in school and the wife is (presumably) at home? (I don't know, does she work?)

 

Best wishes.

[OldEurope]

Hi Sami,

 

In response to a question in this thread, yes "real men" absolutely do exist--it is hard of course to find one while in the course of a relationship which, at the end of the day, is not "real". You know what I mean here.

 

Look at it from another angle: he is trying to do the ethical thing for his children. They are his first concern obviously. How would you feel/have felt if he had up and left in a matter of months upon meeting meeting you? Yes, flattered at first of course, but then in your mind you would start to seriously question the character of someone who left (esp with children) too soon.

 

Making a moral decision is certainly a sign of character and in this easy-come easy-go world, in a way, it is refreshing to see people think very strongly about their actions.

 

The verdict is still out whether staying together "for the kids" is the best thing. I tend to think that children witnessing a loveless, horrible marriage are in more emotional trouble than those who are raised in a divorce situation. What truly matters is how the aftermath of the divorce is managed where the kids are concerned--with strong love from both parents. The kids of your mm/ex-mm are quite young if I recall correctly--9 and 11. That is quite tender. In my mind, this man is not so much being "unreal" as very real: he has got a whopper of an ethical dilemma before him.

 

I do believe he loves you. I think he very much wants out. But what a person wants to do and what they are capable of doing are two very different things--be careful. I would say that "Two years"--where you are-- is about the breaking point for the OW situation. I think one should not be--if one is--an OW for more than a year, if one can put a timetable on these things (usually not!). The point is, your mind, your soul and spirit are reaching their end point in this situation--all of you, rather than just a part of you, most likely sees that here and now this must end (whereas before you might have "rationalized" staying in ). Your stresses, anxieties are perfectly natural and you should let this catharsis work its way out of your system, however tumultuously. Of course you can do it.

 

And as these things go, going away and staying away is the only way such situations ever turn out to have a "happy ending" if there is to be one. I know of no situation like this where an ultimatum was NOT issued.

 

OE

[StrivingtoSucceed]

What if he were to organize a babysitter w/o her knowing? He can ask a family member, or close friend to watch the children for a day. I say day, b/c this isn’t just a half hour conversation, which you know.

 

More than likely the wife will take it very hard and have a hard time adjusting enough to put on a “face” in front of the kids. She will need some time to recoup/recover from him telling her he wants a divorce ... even if she knows it is coming.

[Jessie61]

Sami D,

 

I recognise absolutely everything you say! Again, I could have written your post myself!

 

Anyway, back to business? First of all, I am totally on your side in this. I cannot say that I have all the answers, far from it. But I am on your side. I think I know how you feel because I have been there (am there???) myself.

 

I have had one agreed deadline broken, and my MM has suggested another. I am VERY reluctant to agree anything for obvious reasons. However, if I am a tiny bit generous to my MM, I can see that he is making progress and that things have moved on significantly in the last 6 months. BUT obviously you just don't know that he will leave until he has actualy left??? Seeing is believing???

 

I know what you say about your MM not looking forward to telling his W that their M is over and my MM said exactly the same thing. However, I did point out to him that his marriage didn't just happen by accident, they MADE it happen. Likewise, a separation doesn't just happen by accident, he has to MAKE it happen. The perfect moment will never materialise, he has to make and take the opportunity to tell W.

 

I don't think you should leave everything to chance and let it hang in the air indefinitively. I find that things have only moved on for me - albeit slowly!!!! - when I have applied pressure, ie NC. At the moment I am in a different country doing a course which will be completed in the next couple of months. Then I will be deciding what to do next; stay where I am or go home again - where MM is.... He KNOWS now that if he doesn't make it happen, then I will be gone forever, and I honestly think his tune has changed lately. He has set a timetable for himself when certain things are to be done, such as seeking legal advice, accomodation, telling the W that it is over, telling his parents and friends and finally packing the bags etc... He has given me "mini targets" which he sticks to religiously at the moment to convince me that he is serious. Agonising? Yes!!!! The cynic in me keeps reminding me that until and unless he packs his bags, I will never know if it is all rubbish. But I have decided to make my own plans and stick to them. If he gives me a reason to change them before it is too late, then great! If not, then I will set up my new business which will bind me abroad for years and, more importantly, away from him. In the meantime, I just don't know what to do....

 

Is this a fool proof plan? I really don't know!!! But I don't think you should let him set the pace and agenda too much. Think about it. How much time are you willing to invest? Will he make his own suggestions when he might leave? What plans DOES he have? Will you set a dead line? If so, when? Are you prepared to let it go if he misses it?

 

I am not going to tell you to be militant about it or to "dump him"! I certainly am not in a position to say that! But I think that you need to take some control of the situation yourself. Like you say, you are not through with him yet. But I think you should set your own boundaries, decide for yourself what they are. But don't let him decide everything completely on his own.

 

Come back to me with feed back! Let me know what happens? (And if you can figure out the "magic trick" for me, let me know, eh??? )

[zarathustra]

The verdict is still out whether staying together "for the kids" is the best thing. I tend to think that children witnessing a loveless, horrible marriage are in more emotional trouble than those who are raised in a divorce situation. What truly matters is how the aftermath of the divorce is managed where the kids are concerned--with strong love from both parents. The kids of your mm/ex-mm are quite young if I recall correctly--9 and 11. That is quite tender. In my mind, this man is not so much being "unreal" as very real: he has got a whopper of an ethical dilemma before him.

 

I grew up in a home where my parents have a loveless horrible marriage. Actually, I say this a lot now. My parents love each other, they just don't like each other. There are many times I have told my mom to stick up for herself and each time, she says, "Do you want your parents divorced? That is what you are telling me to do". There were two things that came out with that statement.

 

First thing, yes, I would have loved it if my parents divorced. I would have loved having either or both of them remarried to spouses who could truly make them happy. To be given a role model as to what a happy marriage entails and how to interact in a happy marriage.

 

Second thing, because my mother equated sticking up for herself as the same as getting a divorce, I never stuck up for myself either. I never thought I would turn out like that but I did.

 

My point is, either way he chooses, the children will have some baggage... everyone does. Its what kind of baggage he wants to leave them with and OE hit the nail on the head, its how you deal with the aftermath of the divorce that will determine if they have a lot of baggage or a less heavy load.

 

If the kids are young, why don't they talk after the children are asleep?

[beachrosie]

I've just realised that of the three threads I've responded to this morning, two of them are from BW's trying to come to terms with what happened, and in the other one I was responding to a MM who seemed uncertain about his feelings (or what to do about them). This got me thinking about the population of the board, and I realised that most of the OW here are actually ex-OW or trying to be!

 

So, I thought I'd begin a thread asking about current OW, and where we are in the affair. Are you just on your way in? Up to your neck? About to end it? What is he telling you about his M? Is he happy? Is he unhappy? Do they have a sex life? Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never? Is it mainly an EA, a PA? Where did you meet? Is it an age-gap relationship? Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement? Have you had any D-days? Does his W know? How did she react?

 

I'll post a little about me in the next message.

 

Hi Sami,

 

Thank you for this thread. Your honesty and sensitivity is very nice.

 

I am an OW (although, I really liked considering myself to be a very close friend). I have been in the relationship for 8 months, although we have been co-workers for many many years.

 

Sometimes I do feel like I am up to my neck as he has left his house, and she is waggering all kinds of battles and wars. She is using the children and friends against him. She is known to be very violent and mean.

 

He was miserable at home, long before we became closer. He is not living at home now, but is not really that happy just yet either. He has a young child and an adult teenager.

 

He tells me that he does love her, but really more so like a sister that you might have years of bad blood with. It's more so a love that she is a family member. He tells me of the years of violence he has been subject to, as well as her going on destroying rampages at least twice a month. He sends me stuff that she writes him, and it's all pretty mean and even demented.

 

They do not have a sex life anymore, and am pretty certain they haven't had much of one for many years.

 

We met at work and are the same age.

 

I'm pretty happy except with how she toys with his mind. He definitely is a victim of extreme abuse.

 

She totally knows about me, but he denies that we are anything more than good friends. I am pretty sure she doesn't believe it by her poor choice of words, but wishes it to be true. I think she realizes that I am the fact as to why he remains gone.

[My_Other_I]

 

So, I thought I'd begin a thread asking about current OW, and where we are in the affair. Are you just on your way in? Up to your neck? About to end it?

I'm out. Past recovery. Over it. I'm one of the luckier ones from what I can tell from reading this forum.

 

What is he telling you about his M?

I never really asked except for the beginning. I was curious as of why would he do such thing.

Is he happy? Is he unhappy?

I believe he was happy being unhappy. Emotionally immature, in love with love, never satisfied with himself. He needed other people to make him feel complete.

Do they have a sex life?

I knew they did but never asked. What good would it do to know?

Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never?

He never said he would leave and I never asked him to leave. When it came to crunching time he was so confused that he was talking non-sense. Now I know it was just to keep me around longer.

Is it mainly an EA, a PA?

It was both.

Is it an age-gap relationship?

Not really. Few years.

Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement?

I was happy with him at first, later I had become very unhappy. When my friends started to notice my grumpiness I knew I had to get out.

Have you had any D-days? Does his W know? How did she react?

D-day as in discovery days. Yup. More then one. How did she react?! I don't think I wanna go into that. Let's just say that I hope the circumstances had temporarilly changed her personality; if she is like that normally, I feel for people around her. It was ongoing for a long time.

[Ozycowgirl]

I'm new to this site i've read many post here and i sit here at my pc and think ...my god that is what i'm going through right now ! I've just found out i'm the OW !!! My god how blind was i to not see the writting on the wall after 10 months. I had no idea I was the OW until 2 weeks ago...you may be saying to yourself how did i not know I was the other women...well i will try and explain to the best i can. I met him 10 months ago at my work it was he that came up to me, i had been single for 6years and to have this charming man sweep me off my feet with just a hello amazed me...I've had men ask me out but there was just something different about this guy. To make a long story as short as i can, we started to see each other alot for the first 3 months it was like almost every day, then as time went on our time together was getting less and less. I had not been to his house as yet cause he said he had a house mate and worked shift work so he did'nt want to bother his house mate ...and i respected that as i worked odd hours myself. Maybe i know i should have seen it then, but love is blind hey !!! so when ever we met it would never be at his place, at first he would take me out in our own home town then he started to take me to the towns around us i thought at first this is nice we are going to different places, but know i know he was hiding me anyway in the off chance he would be seen with me in public. Getting to NOW that i found out he has a GF and has been with her for 10years !!! I say GF cause thats all she is if he has had a GF for 10 years and has not yet married her what does that say? The way i found out about this was a guy where i work saw us togerther and asked how i knew him, i said we are a couple we have been for 10 months, that was when he told me what he knew about this guy. As you could imagin i was in total shock and looking back on the 10 months it came together in that moment of being told about his other life. I need to know am i that stupid in not seeing the writting on the wall or was he just a great lier ? ? The sad thing here is i fell in love with this man i gave him my all. I confronted him about this and he shut down on me he didnt want to talk about it he ignored me for days then all of a sudden when it suited him he watned to talk. And you can guess what he's going to say ...he said he's going to leave her he loves me he wants a life with me, but it's all going to take time they have a house together,,,SO WHAT !!! if thats his only reason for not leaving now well i don't get it....I know this guy is full of BS...Please i need support to get on with my life and stop this hurt i feel like i've had my heart ripped out chewed up and spat out ...He had this big idea i would be ok with this and i would wait ...well no not me i have 2 beautiful children to think about as well as myself. Can anyone out there please advise me on how to move on and get over this lying cheating pig...cause that is how i see him...I can't even express the hurt and pain i feel right now and i know in time it will go away but i need support i need to keep my head together for myslef but most of all my kids. I'm starting a new job in a few weeks and i need to get over this b4 then i don't want to take my personal life into a new job. Thank you for reading this ...

[My_Other_I]

Ozy, if you are looking for support and advice, you might be better off starting your own thread. Good luck to you, that's a tough punch to take.

[zarathustra]

she did already.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86625/

[My_Other_I]

she did already.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86625/

Sorry I missed it:o

[zarathustra]

its probably better to have link to the thread anyway in case anyone else is interested.

[officespace]

where we are in the affair. .

we are in NC now for over 1 month. start seeing him in late june 05, he left the house in late aug 05. as of 5 weeks ago, still hadn't filed but they were fighting like cats and dogs over the kids, divorce, money, etc.... i couldn't take it anymore, waiting for the filing, to meet his kids, to meet his family.....lots of promises that never materialized, just incremental progress. 10 months since the start.

 

What is he telling you about his M? Is he happy? Is he unhappy? .

he says it is unhappy, always was. married after two months of knowing each other. she was pregnant, travel visa to expire. he always made himself out to be the great savior to marry her. i would love to hear her story. but, he says the marriage was always empty. the only thing they have in common is the kids.

 

Do they have a sex life?

i asked over and over again, especially around the holidays when i think he was trying to work it out. says they haven't slept together since early july, the first weekend after we went out. before that, he said they had sex once every month or two. of course, he had another OW for 3 years prior to me, so he got sex there. she went off the deep end and tried to commit suicide when he ended it. she stalked him for about 6 months after.

 

Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never?

he left the house right away, but then he has been stalling on the divorce ever since. i find out that leaving is just a tiny step and it doesn't stop them from going back.

 

Is it mainly an EA, a PA? .

The first 2 months, EA only. We didn't sleep together until he left the house. For some reason, that made us feel better about what we were doing. Naive! Once we started having sex though, it was everytime we saw each other, 3 nights a week (we always spent the night together) and multi-hour sessions.

 

Where did you meet?

He was a IT consultant at my company for a year, 5 years ago. I was his project manager and we got to talking and developed a close friendship. There was instant chemistry but not sexual. Always kept in check and I never thought he was the cheating type. Didn't find out about that until April 05. I talked to him about all my relationship/guy drama and he talked to me about his marriage, friends, life. I met his wife. After he left my company, we kept in touch on the phone, or meeting for lunch once in a blue moon, for 3+ years. He asked to me go out at night with him or him/his friends, but i never felt comfortable because he was married and i didn't feel it was right if she didn't know/approve. ha, look at me now!

 

Is it an age-gap relationship??

he's 2 years older, so no age gap. that was part of the connection. grew up in the same reagan, atari, 80s era. the wife is from a forein country and he says they could not relate on the simplest thing or have the same sense of humor.

 

Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement?

I was never comfortable as the OW. I was raised in church and hadn't done this before. This sounds stupid ,but I didn't realize that I was the OW because he always said that I wasn't. This wasn't an affair to him or me, at least in the beginning, This was IT!, what I've been looking for my whole life. I AM the ONE, he had to be with me now and he would expedite divorce to marry me and have a baby together, etc....Once it because reality after he moved out, the backpeddling and cold feet started. With each day, I was more and more unhappy until I was mostly unhappy all the time and couldn't even hide it from him anymore. Had to psyche myself up to see him toward the end, and to not cry the whole time. I also have the element of time against me, which added to the frustration and unhappiness of waiting. I am almost 33, single, never married, and no kids. I simply don't have years and years to wait for someone to get their act together. I want a family and a husband. I don't want to share.

 

Have you had any D-days? Does his W know? How did she react?

she was suspicious from early on. she told him after 1 month of us seeing each other "i'm not stupid. i do your laundry. i see the lipstick and smell the perfume." at 2 months, they got in a fight because he wanted to go out and see me and she said she wanted to come with him. he went anyway and never went home that night. apparently, one of her co-worker saw us at a strip club, of all places (i had never been and was curious; my idea). she checked phone bills and traced me back to my city but didn't know my name. she asked and he supposedly told her it was me. he said she didn't say much. i don't believe that but she is stubborn and fiery and big on the silent treatment. she also saw pictures (post move out) and he called her my name while arguing. she has not called me or come to confront me, though, which I find odd. I've been waiting for that day but it has never come. now, i suppose it never will.

[veronese]

This is an amazing thread.

 

I just wanted to send you all my love and best wishes and let you know I'm rooting for you.

 

Big hugs

 

Veronese xxx

[yesmaybe]

I'm a total newbie here. But I see my story in so many other's stories.

 

I am the OW. Huge age gap - he's 50, I'm 27.

 

We've had this affair for 11 months. We have a BDSM sex life (I am dominant, he is submissive), and that takes our EA to a very intense level. His wife finds his sexual tastes disgusting (most women would), so they don't have sex.

 

I am not his first EA. He has had at least 2 in the past 11 years.

 

I am definitely not his first PA. He has indulged in prostitutes plenty of times, as well as sex with his past OW.

 

I am unsure whether to stay. About a month ago, I started to date other men and began to lose interest in MM. MM freaked out and pursued me big time.

 

Just a week ago, I reluctantly agreed to continue our affair. But I am seeing another guy (who is single and my age and very hot) behind MM's back. This may be the smartest decision I've made in 11 months.

 

MM's marriage is distant - they lead different lives (I live in a non-Western country, and this is common in the culture). He sees her as his "comrade," not lover. So, I highly doubt she knows about me. They each have their own laptops, and I never call his house/cell.

 

We work together, live about 30 minutes from one another. When he is in the office, we see each other a lot (he is my boss, too). He spend about half the month on business trips, so we do a lot of very long Skype conversations, emails, etc.. Sometimes, we go on business trips together.

 

He has never made any promises, but I strongly suspect that he is "testing me out" to see if he should leave his wife. After I agreed to continue the affair, he pledged to spend more time with me, including weekend trips. Also, he is much more attentive and loving now.

 

Deep down, I hope that we will beat the odds, and that he'll leave his wife and we'll get married and have kids and a happy life together. But, I'm also making sure I cover my a$$ by dating other men.

[yesmaybe]

Sami and other OW posters -

 

As I mentioned in my post above, the smartest thing I did in regards to my affair with MM: DATE OTHER MEN

 

I posted online for a one-night stand. I knew this would break the spell the MM had over me, because I become emotionally attached after sex.

 

And, it worked! I slept with a good-looking, very cool guy. Great in bed. In fact, I found myself thinking about him (rather than MM) for 2 weeks. I never saw him again.

 

I am currently dating (another) great guy behind MM's back. I haven't slept with the new guy yet, and I'm reluctant to because I don't want to complicate my life even more. However, it's great not to put all my eggs in one basket.

 

Rebound sex/relationships may not be ideal, but I don't regret them at all.

[Jessie61]

Sami and other OW posters -

 

As I mentioned in my post above, the smartest thing I did in regards to my affair with MM: DATE OTHER MEN

 

I posted online for a one-night stand. I knew this would break the spell the MM had over me, because I become emotionally attached after sex.

 

And, it worked! I slept with a good-looking, very cool guy. Great in bed. In fact, I found myself thinking about him (rather than MM) for 2 weeks. I never saw him again.

 

I am currently dating (another) great guy behind MM's back. I haven't slept with the new guy yet, and I'm reluctant to because I don't want to complicate my life even more. However, it's great not to put all my eggs in one basket.

 

Rebound sex/relationships may not be ideal, but I don't regret them at all.

 

 

Yesmaybe,

 

I wish that I could be as "sensible" (if that is the right word?) as you, but I honestly couldn't date other men because I actually love my MM. It would not be fair on the man that I was trying to date because my mind would literally be elsewhere. When MM and I were in a longer period of NC (5 or 6 weeks as it turned out - I actually called it off and told MM never to contact me again...) then I did agree to go to the cinema with a single guy that was interested in me. That's as far as it went. I felt like a total fraud...

 

Am I a complete fool??? "yesmaybe"!!!!

[yesmaybe]

Jessie61 - you are not the fraud. MM is the fraud.

 

I also love my MM. This guy I'm dating right now, I like him but I infinitely prefer MM. Of course my mind is still on MM, not the Single Guy. But, then again, not having all my chips on MM is great. So, yes, I am using SG. But I don't think men mind!

 

As I mentioned, about a month ago, I deliberately planned and executed a one-night stand. And from then on, started dating other men. It made me sick to my stomach to do it at first, but I knew it had to be done.

 

Great Lessons learned from One-Night-Stand (I have never seen him again):

1. I had been single for 2 years when MM came in my life. Maybe MM is convenient because he provides excitement and distraction. But, there are single guys who provide that, too.

2. MM is not the last man who can give me good sex

3. MM is interesting and I love him...but there are other men who are interesting too. Hmm...maybe I should get to know them as well?

 

When I then started to date for real, I went through a lot of frogs before kissing a (maybe) prince! And I still do force myself to get excited when with my SG.

 

Women get emotionally attached to one man at a time. I think it's deeply instinctual, and of, reinforced by culture. I know I am 100% like that. Men, on the other hand, can be attached (sexually and/or emotionally) to multiple women at a time.

 

I decided, if I'm going to continue this A, I need to reduce as much harm as possible. MM has his wife and me. And now, I have MM and SG. There is some level of power I have regained.

 

Yesterday, I went out with SG for a 4 hour dinner date. 30 minutes later, he text me "Thanks for tonight. I wish we had spent more time together, though. Good night!"

 

Of course when I went home, I called MM for our daily convo. But, even now, I find myself thinking, "well, I will date SG. Maybe he'll be better than MM. And then I can move over to SG onxe that relationship is solid, and things will be great."

 

Sound familiar? I am thinking like an MM! I am using MM as my "stable" relationship, and then test driving the SG to see if he will be better.

 

Point is, it's complicated and I wish it was just me and MM. But I decided that, if I'm going to put myself in harm's way by being in an A, I should try to reduce the bad effects as much as possible.