His girlfriend is jealous of our friendship!

[simplybrill]

I have this guy friend, and his girlfriend is very jealous. Part of me is saying, okay you need to get as far away from this guy friend, because he's dating a psycho, but the reality of it all is, he's a great guy and I shouldnt have to ditch him as a friend, because his girlfriend can't handle the fact that we even know each other.

 

So now, because we're friends, and because I call him, or text him (just as much as I do any of my other friends) she's coming down on him, and telling him to cut me off, like IM the bad guy or something. Did I mention, now this girl who I've met maybe once hates me now? She's taking things way too seriously, and blowing little things out of proportion, and not listening to reason.

 

I just think it's rude, and she has no right to tell him who to be friends with, whether he's attracted to them or not, because it's just not her place. We're not fooling around or anything. I do respect their relationship. So what's the problem?

[JadeStar]

I see this on both sides of the fence. I do think guys can have "friends" who are girls and all, but at the same time when someone is involved in a realtionship such as b/f g/f and one has another friend of the opposite sex, then yes that can sometimes cause problems. Especailly if the friendship is still carrying on the way it was before the other got a b/f or g/f, such as texting, calling, iming emailing right often. I'm not saying he can't be friends with you, but I do think maybe some of the calls, texting etc etc needs to come to some what of a halt. I'm not saying you have to stop all communication with him, but if its going to cause a conflit in his current relationship with his g/f then yeah there needs to be some backing off on both sides. Are you willing to do that? Does he see things as you do on this situation? Or is this just how YOU feel on the matter?

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[catgirl1927]

You're calling and texting him? How would you feel if you were dating someone who had some girl he was "friends" with calling and texting him all the time?

[blind_otter]

It seems to me like you don't really have any respect for his relationship, either. From the way you write about it.

[MadDog]

I personally don't see the big deal unless you're texting him several times a day or having super long conversations that are cutting into their time or something. I think it's a good thing if a girl I'm dating has friends who are guys because it means she can relate to guys relatively well.

 

I've been in your friend's situation a few times now. It's ridiculous because the girl expects you to automatically ditch all your female friends the second you get a little serious. My rule is, whatever you came into the relationship with, you keep. This includes friends of the opposite sex.

[catgirl1927]

It has a lot to do with frequency and timing. If a girl is calling and texting at all hours of the night, drunk dialing or texting, or constantly having suggestive conversations with you, guess what, she is NOT your friend.

 

I have guy friends and we used to drunk text each other when we were single. When I got serious with my BF, I stopped answering theirs and told them not to do that anymore because I have a boyfriend now. They of course stopped.

[Guest-Cait]

It may be hard for you to realize, but you're not the most important girl in this guy's life anymore. To him, it seems, his girlfriend comes first, and you're just going to have to accept that. If he's feeling the same way you do, it's up to him to talk to his gf about it, but you just need to back off until he does. Continuing to call or text him while the matter isn't resolved will just hurt your chances of being close friends with him again. Your best chance is to talk to the gf yourself, without this guy around, and tell her straight out that you have no interest in her guy. If she doesn't believe you, and still doesn't want you talking to him, you have to respect that as her right as your friend's girlfriend. It may not be understandable to you, but you still have to respect it.

[what's going on]

This may or may not be the case but maybe you need to give them a little more space than you would with your other friends. I am unclear as to the amount of contact you have been initiating is alot or a little and could be misconstrued as this is a subjective matter.

When any of my friends (male or female) has started a new relationship their is naturally less time spent with said friend (in other words they are spending more of their time with a new sig other and that time needs to come from somewhere). It doesn't happen intentionally just naturally as this friend will naturally be spending more time with their sig other than the rest of their platonic friends.

 

I do believe that you are right that she can't state who he can be friends with or not, BUT if he is attracted to somebody else that is her business. She is his girlfriend and in a relationship with him.

[ali0812]

I think you need to have more respect for him and his GF. If hes such a great guy, and he chose to be with her, then you cant put her down like that. There is obviously a reason why hes with her, and you need to respect the way she feels even if YOU think its crazy. Maybe there is reason for it that you dont konw about. Maybe you could talk to her, and show her you mean no harm. Opposite sex friendships a lot of times do have other feelings involved a lot of times even if you dont want to admit it, and maybe thats why you resent her so much. My boyfriend had a friend who called him all the time, emailed and texted him just like that, and I didnt care because I had met her and I didnt think there was anything going on. But then there were things that led me to believe that she wanted more. But its not fair for you to judge her behavior when you dont know her, just as she shouldnt judge you. Just like someone else said previously, how would you feel if this were happening to you? PUt yourself in her shoes. You need to respect your friend and his relationship. If you want to remain friends with him then you need to find a way to either talk to them, or make her feel comfortable.

[ali0812]

You're calling and texting him? How would you feel if you were dating someone who had some girl he was "friends" with calling and texting him all the time?

 

EXACTLY. Put yourself in the other persons shoes...

[simplybrill]

Hold on a minute:

 

1. I do not, nor have I ever drunk dialed this dude

2. I don't call him all the time, or text him for that matter, and I never cut into their personal time with her. In case you missed it, we're FRIENDS, im not obsessed with him.

 

I do respect their relationship, it's just pretty odd that this girl doesnt even know me yet and she's got it already in her head that she hates me.

 

I never was the most important person in his life, he is lol, so why would I mind that now he's got a girlfriend?

[Citizen Erased]

I never was the most important person in his life, he is lol, so why would I mind that now he's got a girlfriend?

 

Well then get used to it. You have to. If she has a problem with you, it is their choice to decide what happenes in the relationship. If he thinks it is wrong then it is their choice to sort the problem out. Leave him alone or you will be making it worse for everyone concerned.

[MadDog]

Hold on a minute:

 

1. I do not, nor have I ever drunk dialed this dude

2. I don't call him all the time, or text him for that matter, and I never cut into their personal time with her. In case you missed it, we're FRIENDS, im not obsessed with him.

 

I do respect their relationship, it's just pretty odd that this girl doesnt even know me yet and she's got it already in her head that she hates me.

 

I never was the most important person in his life, he is lol, so why would I mind that now he's got a girlfriend?

 

I'm going to go against everyone else who's posted so far and back you up. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. She's the one with jealous insecurities. It has nothing to do with you except the fact that you're a girl. I'm sure if she met you and you happened to be totally unattractive (I know this isn't the case), she would stop caring.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm going to go against everyone else who's posted so far and back you up. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. She's the one with jealous insecurities. It has nothing to do with you except the fact that you're a girl. I'm sure if she met you and you happened to be totally unattractive (I know this isn't the case), she would stop caring.

 

I do agree with u there MD, of course she hasn't done anything wrong, but her presence will only make everything worse for her friend, his girlfriend and herself. I think if she stepped back and the couple would get over this then all will be well. If she is that insecure then he will most probably leave anyway because he tires of her insecurities. The OP shouldnt haved to go through this, but why stick around and add to the fight if she doesnt care for him in THAT way?

[MadDog]

I do agree with u there MD, of course she hasn't done anything wrong, but her presence will only make everything worse for her friend, his girlfriend and herself. I think if she stepped back and the couple would get over this then all will be well. If she is that insecure then he will most probably leave anyway because he tires of her insecurities. The OP shouldnt haved to go through this, but why stick around and add to the fight if she doesnt care for him in THAT way?

 

It's about the principle. Besides, if she does step back, the jealous girlfriend is basically getting rewarded for her jealous/possessive behavior. She'll learn to give her current & future boyfriends s*** to get what she wants. Positive reinforcement is a very strong psychological phenomenon.

[Butterflying]

Simply, I understand that this guy is "just a friend" to you. If you respect him so much, why are you concerned with "his GF's" feelings for you? How do you know so much about what she wants if you don't communicate with her? Is your "friend" telling you these things about his GF?

 

It all boils down to the fact that you are friends with him, not her. If he tells you to back off, it doesn't matter rather his GF told him to make the decision or not. You should respect his space, and back off. But if he is complaining to you about his GF's insecurity, then you should be a friend by advising him not to tolerate that. And, you should also back off, out of respect for yourself, because his problems are causing you grief over the friendship.

 

Obviously, you care about this guy a lot because you are posting for advice about him. Bashing his GF is a sign that you clearly are opposed to his relationship with her. But sweetheart, who he loves is none of your business. If you can't stand the heat, get out of kitchen. By sticking around, you are making this a problem for yourself when it doesn't have to be.

[what's going on]

Well...I may be an eternal optimist but I believe that what goes around comes around (karma). So if she is really in wrong for suggesting him not being friend I would hope some negative reinforcement would occur (I personally have seen this happen to someone...she literally drove her last guy away and will continue to be alone until she learns). But please remember that "time spent" is subjective and everybody's interpretation of too much contact will differ by person (ie I may think that contact 2-3 times a week with an ex is too much whereas somebody else may think 1 time a month is too much...just food for thought).

[Sal Paradise]

I think you should probably just ignore it. If it bothers you then perhaps you should back off. There is nothing you can do about it. He has made a choice to be with her. You can live with the consequences of that choice or you can stop being his friend. Thats really all you can do. Doing anything else would merely back up any accusations she may throw at you. If she see's you as a threat to the relationship and then you tell him he needs to break up with her you're merely proving her point.

 

Many times being a friend means tolerating people in your friends life you don't like. My advice would be to either deal with the situation as it is, back off for a bit, or end the friendship. Those are the only choices you really have.

[typical]

Allow me to add a few opinions of my own, if you will....Please dont take this harshly, I mean no ill will. These are only merely points that I would like you to ponder.

 

"Part of me is saying, okay you need to get as far away from this guy friend, because he's dating a psycho",

 

How do YOU know if she is a psycho if you only met her once?

 

"She's taking things way too seriously, and blowing little things out of proportion, and not listening to reason."

 

What "reason" may this be??

 

This statement:

not listening to reason.

 

Alarms me. It makes me feel that you are now calling her a crazy woman that is incapable of processing simple, basic information.

 

This statement:

I do respect their relationship.

 

And this statement:

he's dating a psycho

Doesnt seem to jive....

 

 

This is what I think is going on....I think some boundaries are being crossed. From both her BF and you. How would you know that she takes things too seriously, blows things out of proportion, and doesnt listen to reason? How do you know he is coming down on him and now she hates you?

 

Because HE told you, thats why. You have no idea what their relationship is truly like, having only met her once. You only know his side. He could be making all of this up to create friction between you and her. He might not want the both of you to become friends or even like each other. You might take the stance that you know him, you have been friends for a long time, but one can never really "know" a person. And one can never really "know" how a person is in a intimate relationship.

 

As I said before, boundaries are being crossed. Which means he is going outside of his relationship and discussing personal matters with you. He is airing their dirty laundry with you. Furthermore, he is bashing and disrespecting her with you. He is gossiping about how horrid she is, and that is why you now have the opinion that she is a psycho that takes things too seriously, and blows things out of proportion......I can just see your conversations with him now....."Do you know what she did now.......(fill in s*** talk here)"

"OMG, What a psycho!"

 

I am starting to get the impression that he doesnt respect her either. How he feels about the relationship is how you are going to feel,as he is projecting his feeling and opinions on to you, which in turn (even though you only met her once) allows you to form opinions that she is a total psycho.....

 

I think if she is acting irrationally, it might be because her BF is talking smack about her behind her back with another woman. I am sure that she feels the animosity directed towards her from her BF after a long day of him talking crap with you. Maybe she feels that when he gets off the phone with you, or comes back from hanging out with you he takes it out on her, is distant, cold, unresponsive, argumentative, rude......

 

quite obviously, he is not making her feel very comfortable about you, he is not reassuring her, comforting her, or easing her mind, judging by the comments you make about her, which is actually his projection of either how you should feel about her or how he does feel about her..

 

Another thing to consider: She might be getting cut out of any and all interactions with you. A simple example of this is him telling her (or not telling her and she finds out later) that he is going to hang out with you, and if she asks to come along, he says no...which immediately feeds her "unwarranted" fears that something is going on.

 

Bottom line: You dont know what is really going on in their relationship. Maybe he antagonizes her with you...Maybe he pushes her buttons and makes her think something is going on when its really not. It is unfair for you to label her a crazy psycho who blows things out of proportion. Maybe you could take the time to get to know her better instead of dismissing her and siding with him.

 

Why not invite her to hang out with the both of you? If you are so adamant about being his friend, find a way to push yourself into THIER lives instead of just HIS life. Because I garantee you, she is feeling excluded for whatever reason and the BF is making it worse.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It seems to me like you don't really have any respect for his relationship, either. From the way you write about it.

 

I agree.

 

You know … there are a lot of same sex friends and acquaintances who often get pushed to the backburner when we become involved in a romantic relationship and suddenly become busy, too. How many of your buds have complained you no longer call or hang out with them as often as you use to?

 

It's nearly impossible to keep everyone in your life happy without risking your own sanity and well-being. And as unfair as life may seem at times, romantic love will usually take precedence over platonic friendship unless that person's self identity is too wrapped up in their social circle.

 

Some people just prioritize differently, but no matter where you prefer to place your loyalties, someone (either the friend or the lover) will usually end up feeling slighted. I just find it amusing that it's usually my own female gender who becomes emotionally territorial over their male buddies/boyfriends and resort to tantrums and snarky comments about any other female entering the picture.

 

I'm only speaking for myself, but the only thing I find more exhausting than a jealous lover is a needy, possessive friend.

[catgirl1927]

I'm a pretty insecure person (haha, understatement). My BF has friends who are girls. There are ones I trust and ones I do NOT. And I only had to meet them once to understand what their motivations are.

[typical]

And I only had to meet them once to understand what their motivations are.

 

VERY VERY true!! Trust me, a woman always knows when another woman wants her man....

[blind_otter]

It's about the principle. Besides, if she does step back, the jealous girlfriend is basically getting rewarded for her jealous/possessive behavior. She'll learn to give her current & future boyfriends s*** to get what she wants. Positive reinforcement is a very strong psychological phenomenon.

 

Why is it the friend's place to reward or punish the girlfriend? I think we've all experienced the massive blowout that always occurs when you invite other people into your relationshiop dynamic, friend or not.

[Walk]

I think as a friend you should be supportive and understanding of his relationship. If you had his best interests at heart you would be inviting the gf into your circle and making her feel welcome. But you seem to have a very negative outlook on her. Maybe your friend just has horrible taste in women, but he did chose you as a friend, so I doubt it's all that bad. But I think the main aspect you have to keep in mind is that this woman he's dating is someone he chose to be with. You either support him, and attempt to make his life easier (by not fighting with the gf), or leave him alone and not cause him greater stress in his life. That would be the honorable thing to do.

 

I have one friend that no matter who I date, she hates him. She meets him once, and decides he's a jerk. She really makes it hard to continue a friendship with her. If I talk to her about any problems I have with the bf she automatically makes it into this huge deal, and counsels me on dumping him. For whatever reason, jealous or insecurity, she hates that I have a bf. I could go on for hours about all the positive aspects of the man I'm dating, and she'll turn it into a negative. It frustrates me, and I finally just stopped talking to her altogether. She wasn't supportive of my decisions. She was basically saying I had horrible judgement in people, that my perceptions were flawed, adn that I was an idiot to continue dating the man. She's never made an attempt to get to know any of my bf better, nor include them in the conversations when we did hang out. She purposely attempted to exclude them from the conversation. Which in turn made my bf dislike her.

 

My point is, take the higher road. By judging her, you are judging his decision and views on what he places value in. You're basically implying that he's an idiot, and blind. You'll cause him to be more defensive and probably withdraw more from you. In which case you could then assume it's because of the gf and her views on you, but it's not. It's your actions that are causing the withdrawl.

 

Can I ask what you want from your friend that you aren't getting now? In what way is the gf hurting your friendship? Are there ways in which you could keep the friendship going without causing more stress on your friend? Or ways in which you could relieve the stress your friendship is creating on his relationship with this woman?

 

If he truly made a mistake with this woman, he'll know it without you ever having to say anything.

[MadDog]

You ladies are only responding this way because of your personal preferences (e.g. you don't like your boyfriends to have female friends.) I've yet to read anything that indicates this person is doing anything wrong to upset her friend's girlfriend.

 

I think it's somewhat arrogant to expect or demand that your boyfriend or girlfriend give up their friends simply because you don't like them or you have insecurity issues. Afterall, they were around before you ever came into the picture.