Why is this ok?

[ali0812]

Well, my boyfriend I guess kind of cheated but on an online affair and I pretty much got over it ... I guess. I was very confident and very secure before it all happened but also I was pretty naive. The thing that I keep seeing on these posts are that people keep saying that it is completely normal for guys to lust and want to have sex with other women.... I relaly just dont agree with that. I think it is normal to notice beautiful people, but when you are in a real relationship and you have told that person that you want to be with them... then what is the difference between thinking about having sex with other women and actually doing it.. the only thing stopping you then is the fact that they are not there in the room with you. And why do guys feel this way about other women if they really love who they are with? DO they really honestly separate love and sex that much:? Why cant women do that also then:? This is what makes me feel like I am afraid of being cheated on. I dont think my boyfriend would... I relaly honestly KNOW he loves me. But I have caught him looking at pictures of other women in positions that should only be between me and him. And you cant say hes only admiring a beautiful woman because he could do that with her clothes on!! Hes doing more than that. I dont believe that he is not thinking about sex with this person(even if it is a picture) because what else woudl you think about when looking at a woman with a perfect body bent over in front of you???? And if you had the chance to see her in person, then what would stop you from anything else? I really wish a guy could answer these questions honestly without making it seem like women are the bad guy here. There are tons of beautiful people... Guys too, but i dont care to see them naked! I love my boyfriend so much and it would make me sick to have sex with another guy right now!

[Jadore]

I love you for posting this topic (wow my third day any I'm already a reply freak).

 

I am currently in the stage of my life where I am not going to compromise the most priceless things about myself. Ofcourse, there are always qualities we want to change or experiment with when it comes to bettering ourselves. But, here is the good question. When a man wants you to except him desiring other woman WHILE with you. Is this OK?

 

I really want you to think about this question. Think of it... oh, I don't know an essay question that deserves deep thought. This is YOUR life. Do you really want to feel it's OK just because other people say it is?

 

Remember, we are all human and with being this particular species, we have come to adapt certain traits we cannot hide. They are animalistic, raw, and sometimes things we want to just hide and not let anyone know. But, these are our own individual traits that can connect or seperate us from other people. If you as an individual strongly disagree with someone else's behavior you should probably consider the following in it's particular order:

 

1. Try and understand if you were the individual. Put yourself in their shoes. You can really connect with their feelings and emotions. Remember, to understand someone in not to nessecarily agree with them, but it is definitely the first step in freeing your mind.

 

2. If you can successfully triumph the first step you can do anything. Trust me. Understanding is the one and only problem with feeling disconnected with another. If you find it unreasonable with yourself and your morals it won't work. You need to tell him how it makes you feel. Be very understanding and listen, but at the same time you are an individual with morals and beliefs. For instance, you don't believe in internet lust. WTH is that anyway? If he cannot understand why you feel that way then he obviously being a bit more selfish.

 

Selflessness is an important part of a relationship. When you are with someone you truly love and care about, you would put away your immoral behavior just to be happy with the one you truly love. In this situation, you are not the one on the internet doing what and whichever with men, he is. You either lay down and tolerate it.... or stand up for yourself.

[Sal Paradise]

Fantasies are just that fantasies. Its perfectly fine for someone to fantasize while in a relationship. As long as they're not doing it about anyone they know. As long as the fantasies don't dominate your life or interfere with the relationship they can be healthy and contribute to a healthy sex life with your partner.

 

Looking at porn for a guy is no different than a girl reading a romance novel or erotica. Romance novels are mental masturbation for a woman. Why is that any better than visual masturbation?

 

I occasionally look at pornography and my girlfriend has no problem with it. Sometimes we do it together. Sometimes I do it alone. She doesn't care because she feels secure within the relationship, with herself and her sexuality. I have no problem with her looking at porn by herself or having sexual fantasies. As long as she isn't thinking of other guys while we're making love (thats a no no for both of us and I think it crosses the line, but the truth is its one of those things you will never know for sure).

 

A persons thoughts are theirs alone. I can promise you that every guy in the world who is in a relationship , fantasizes about other women. You can live in a relationship where it isn't discussed and you force your partner to hide it from you. Or you can embrace it and share in their thoughts and desires. Do you not think he will occasionally have sex dreams? Do you think you can really be with someone who never thinks about sex with anyone else besides you, ever? That will never happen. I'm sure even you occasionally fantasize about others as well.

 

I think its a security issue. People who are insecure worry about things they can't control. Being a bit insecure is natural. But when you're insecure about your partners thoughts and over images in movies and magazines thats unhealthy. And probably reflects problems that already exist within the relationship.

 

then what is the difference between thinking about having sex with other women and actually doing it.. the only thing stopping you then is the fact that they are not there in the room with you

 

The same thing that stops you from acting on a violent thought or any other non-sexual thoughts or fantasies that run thru peoples minds. Why stop at sex fantasys. After all god knows what that guy of yours could be thinking. Under this thought process merely thinking "God I'd like to kill that Son of a ***** for cutting me off" while driving, would be the same as actually killing the guy. Do you really think the only thing stopping this person from killing the driver who cut him off is availablity? Its a fantasy, a thought, it isn't real. And those who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality are usually insane and not the kind of people you should be dating in the first place. In essence what you're saying is that you want complete ownership over your lovers dreams and or thoughts. I'd call that far more unhealthy than your guy occasionally whacking it to a porno or looking at Playboy magazine.

 

Thoughts of doing something and actually doing it are not related in any way. The idea itself sounds like a plot to a science fiction book or movie. A futuristic society where people get arrested for merely thinking or fantasizing about violence or sex. Like "The Minority Report" where they're arrested before they committ a crime. You could break up with your future boyfriends before they committ adultery because they merely looked at a nude picture and had thoughts of lust. Because as you know, Thought dictates Action and Fantasy dictates Reality.

[ali0812]

Fantasies are just that fantasies. Its perfectly fine for someone to fantasize while in a relationship. As long as they're not doing it about anyone they know

 

I guess I never really thought of it that way. That does make me feel better about the whole thing I guess. So do guys completely separate love and sex? I guess thats what I am starting to realize. It is something special when it is with the person they love, but outside of that it is just sex, I mean they dont care about the person they are fantasizing about... When they look at someone elses body they are just thinking of the act of sex, but when its with the person they have feelings for its making love?

[Mz. Pixie]

Ali- you've posted numerous posts about this same subject in one form or another. You're really insecure and I don't believe this is something that you're going to get over by asking questions about it.

 

Have you thought about individual counseling???

[catgirl1927]

It's true, ali, you keep asking over and over if guys separate love and sex. I don't know either. I kind of would like some guys to answer that question.

 

But the bottom line is, you have to decide what you can live with. You can't change him. If you feel like what he is doing is cheating it will never stop bothering you so you should probably move on and be very clear with the next person what is important to you.