Infidelity in relationships

[SmoochieFace]

Most people that have any emotions are going to go through the *cryin' and s***tin'* regardless if they kick the other to the curb though.

 

If the threat of me leaving would be the only thing that kept him from screwing another woman, in my opinion that is no different than if he actually did it. I'm not looking to hold someone in a relationship with threats. I hope that I have something more deep than that. I don't actually believe I would leave if he physically cheated. I should lie to him 'cause he has to have a threat to not do it??? Sorry, I think more highly of him than that.

 

You should think more highly of yourself and leave him if he cheats on you.

[bab]

Well, this is gonna blow you women away but I am a guy who equates sex with love. Very simple - no sex without love.

 

Most guys (and some women) have a different take on this.

 

I guess I'm one of those women. I've had both kind of sexual experiences. Overall when I'm in love the sex is way better, and I prefer it that way. But I've also enjoyed the sex I've gotten when I'm not in love. It's different but it's not exactly terrible. Now I'm only having sex with 1 person, whom I love, and I'm excited about it.

[catgirl1927]

Most people that have any emotions are going to go through the *cryin' and s***tin'* regardless if they kick the other to the curb though.

 

If the threat of me leaving would be the only thing that kept him from screwing another woman, in my opinion that is no different than if he actually did it. I'm not looking to hold someone in a relationship with threats. I hope that I have something more deep than that. I don't actually believe I would leave if he physically cheated. I should lie to him 'cause he has to have a threat to not do it??? Sorry, I think more highly of him than that.

 

Ok, now I'm the one who isn't being clear. Of course, if a threat is all that keeps him, who wants that? What I mean is for my self respect, if someone cheated on me I would leave them. I worry that by telling him you won't leave if he cheats he'll cheat on you. I hope he's a better man than that. But many men are NOT better than that.

[Tim'sAngel]

Well, this is gonna blow you women away but I am a guy who equates sex with love. Very simple - no sex without love.

 

Most guys (and some women) have a different take on this.

 

I used to could not make the relation between love and sex. I had alot of sex w/alot of people, half one night stands, and if they guy showed even the least bit of interest in something deeper than just good ole sex, I'd drop him in a heartbeat.

 

Needless to say I had trust issues I had to work through, and when I did and fell deeply in love w/my fiance, I can't even imagine just having sex for fun. We talked about this a little this morning too. It is no longer about having fun, I like to hear him say he loves me while making love to me. So for him to cheat on me it would be obvious he can't make that relation and I wouldn't wanna be w/him anyways.

[catgirl1927]

See, I just think that if he cheats on you, he doesn't love you. So why on EARTH would you stay with someone who doesn't love you? I don't think it's about threats. But I think if you tell someone if they cheat that you'll sniffle a bit but won't leave, then why WOULDN'T they cheat? The only reason people don't cheat is because they love someone and respect them and would never want to hurt them. If someone does cheat, they don't feel that.

 

I just hope they use condoms.

[SmoochieFace]

See, I just think that if he cheats on you, he doesn't love you. So why on EARTH would you stay with someone who doesn't love you? I don't think it's about threats. But I think if you tell someone if they cheat that you'll sniffle a bit but won't leave, then why WOULDN'T they cheat? The only reason people don't cheat is because they love someone and respect them and would never want to hurt them. If someone does cheat, they don't feel that.

 

I just hope they use condoms.

 

My point exactly...

[bab]

But I think if you tell someone if they cheat that you'll sniffle a bit but won't leave, then why WOULDN'T they cheat? The only reason people don't cheat is because they love someone and respect them and would never want to hurt them.

 

These two sentences seem at odds with each other.

[catgirl1927]

These two sentences seem at odds with each other.

 

I can see where you would think that.

 

I will try to explain better.

 

Someone doesn't cheat because they value you as a person and want to be with you. If someone cheats they don't feel that way. So, if someone cheats they don't love or respect you, so you should leave them.

 

You refer to threats, and say you don't want him to be with you because you've threatened him. But, if he doesn't love you, then leaving him is not a threat.

 

If you don't value yourself enough to believe that you deserve someone who is faithful to you, then why should he value you enough to think you're worth turning down someone else?

 

By telling him it's ok with you for him to have sex with someone else as long as he doesn't "love" them, you're basically telling him that as long as he eventually comes back to you it doesn't matter who he sleeps with.

 

The only time there's really something wrong with that is 1)if there is a double standard (I notice you never answered my question about whether or not you could sleep around too) or 2)you say that thinking he'll think "What a great girl I have" then fool around on you, break your heart, destroy your self esteem and end up leaving you for someone else.

 

Saying that you will leave if he cheats is not a threat. It's a statement. I'm willing to bet that if you slept around he would leave you. Most men have enough self esteem to realize they deserve someone who is faithful, and have enough self respect to insist that the person they are with be faithful.

[bab]

Someone doesn't cheat because they value you as a person and want to be with you. If someone cheats they don't feel that way.

Not neccessarily. They could've been drunk, horney, stupid, and honestly remorseful.

 

So, if someone cheats they don't love or respect you, so you should leave them.

I'm not comfortable with absolutes. Clearly I don't think it's cut and dried as all that.

 

 

You refer to threats, and say you don't want him to be with you because you've threatened him. But, if he doesn't love you, then leaving him is not a threat.

 

Again, I'm not equating love and sex. So, if we talked about it an he didn't love me, then yeah we'd probably split. I just don't believe that we love everyone we have sex with.

 

 

If you don't value yourself enough to believe that you deserve someone who is faithful to you, then why should he value you enough to think you're worth turning down someone else?

I want a partner. I never said that I don't value myself. I value our relationship and think that if I put everything on a scale about our relationship, then took physical faithfulness and put it on the other side, the remaining part of our relationship outways a physical infidelity.

 

And I should clarify that I'm not talking about long term affairs here, more like one time deals. Long term affairs usually involve love and desire to "be together" which falls more under the second category from my original post.

 

 

By telling him it's ok with you for him to have sex with someone else as long as he doesn't "love" them, you're basically telling him that as long as he eventually comes back to you it doesn't matter who he sleeps with.

 

That's not what I said. If I were a parent, and I told my child that I wouldn't disown them if they ever cheated in school doesn't mean that "it's Okay". This is the same type of situation. So, I'm saying it's not OK, but I won't disown you either. It would clearly be a bump in the road. Probably some nights/weeks on the couch, marriage counceling, more checking up on his activities, but not necessarily a kick to the curb.

 

The only time there's really something wrong with that is 1)if there is a double standard (I notice you never answered my question about whether or not you could sleep around too) or 2)you say that thinking he'll think "What a great girl I have" then fool around on you, break your heart, destroy your self esteem and end up leaving you for someone else.

 

Sorry I didn't answer your question. Like I stated in my original post, this was a conversation we had, so it does in fact go both ways. He agrees that physical infidelity on my part wouldn't be enough for him to throw away everthing else about our relationship. He also thinks that he would stay. So, no double standard. Unsure what you mean in 2).

 

Saying that you will leave if he cheats is not a threat. It's a statement. I'm willing to bet that if you slept around he would leave you. Most men have enough self esteem to realize they deserve someone who is faithful, and have enough self respect to insist that the person they are with be faithful.

 

But the whole premise that you seem to think that he's going to cheat because I told him that I wouldn't leave translates telling him I'd leave into a threat. In all honesty none of us that haven't been through this, and without knowing the exact situation can say what we would actually do. We've just discussed what we think we might do. Only a hypothesis until it actually happens. But I will say this. He is much more likely to come clean if he fools around with someone, before it becomes a full fledged affair than your SO is to you. So, you might be living without knowledge of it for years, thinking that your SO loves you, when clearly he doesn't 'cause he kissed some girl in the bar 5 years ago, where the two of us can address it and move on before it blows out of proportion.

[SmoochieFace]

This is interesting.

 

I wonder if those women who are willing to make *concessions* for their cheating partners are also more likely to cheat themselves. Is their *tolerance* for it a sign of their own willingness to cheat? Hmmm...

[catgirl1927]

What's really important is that two people be on the same page. If you don't care if he sleeps around then that is certainly your perogative.

 

Your viewpoint implies that he WILL cheat, which seems negative, and if you'll accept "oops" as an excuse then that also is your perogative.

 

I may be fooled for years, but the identical second I find out I'm out of there like a flash. I don't want him to cheat and then come and describe it to me. If he would have sex with someone else, he's not the man I think he is, and I don't want him any more. I am not so afraid to be alone that I will tolerate being humiliated time and time again.

 

I've had my share of one night stands, and I recognize that sex can be separate from love. But if he loves me he will be faithful to me. For Christ's sake, it's just not that big a sacrifice, and if it is, then I'm nothing to him and he should leave and go find someone who is important enough to him so that he doesn't think being only with them is a sacrifice.

 

I believe that if someone cheats on you, then they do not love you or respect you. I believe that if they put their fingers in some stripper's hooha then you have never meant anything to them.

 

No one HAS to be with me. If you don't want me any more, just have the decency to tell me and leave me. Don't humiliate me by being with someone else and laughing at my stupidity for thinking I'm worthly of love. Just sack up and get away from me. Why wouldn't you? If I'm so contemptible that you would care so little about me, why would you want to be with me at all? And if someone cheats and lies, they are clearly going to hell, as I do not deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person and deserve to be treated with respect.

 

You talk about throwing it all away over "one thing." To me, the "one thing" I'd be throwing it away over is that he doesn't love or respect me, and if our whole relationship is a sham then what I am throwing away? Nothing. I have lost nothing, because everything between us up until that point was a lie.

[SmoochieFace]

What's really important is that two people be on the same page. If you don't care if he sleeps around then that is certainly your perogative.

 

Your viewpoint implies that he WILL cheat, which seems negative, and if you'll accept "oops" as an excuse then that also is your perogative.

 

I may be fooled for years, but the identical second I find out I'm out of there like a flash. I don't want him to cheat and then come and describe it to me. If he would have sex with someone else, he's not the man I think he is, and I don't want him any more. I am not so afraid to be alone that I will tolerate being humiliated time and time again.

 

I've had my share of one night stands, and I recognize that sex can be separate from love. But if he loves me he will be faithful to me. For Christ's sake, it's just not that big a sacrifice, and if it is, then I'm nothing to him and he should leave and go find someone who is important enough to him so that he doesn't think being only with them is a sacrifice.

 

I believe that if someone cheats on you, then they do not love you or respect you. I believe that if they put their fingers in some stripper's hooha then you have never meant anything to them.

 

No one HAS to be with me. If you don't want me any more, just have the decency to tell me and leave me. Don't humiliate me by being with someone else and laughing at my stupidity for thinking I'm worthly of love. Just sack up and get away from me. Why wouldn't you? If I'm so contemptible that you would care so little about me, why would you want to be with me at all? And if someone cheats and lies, they are clearly going to hell, as I do not deserve to be treated like that. I'm a good person and deserve to be treated with respect.

 

You talk about throwing it all away over "one thing." To me, the "one thing" I'd be throwing it away over is that he doesn't love or respect me, and if our whole relationship is a sham then what I am throwing away? Nothing. I have lost nothing, because everything between us up until that point was a lie.

 

Excellent post, CG. I agree 110%

[stockmos]

The only reason people don't cheat is because they love someone and respect them and would never want to hurt them. If someone does cheat, they don't feel that.

 

 

I'm not sure about that. People cheat for many different reasons.

 

If someone cheats basically as a route out of a dead relationship, then it's evident they've fallen out of love.

 

However, many people cheat because they are not having physical or emotional needs met within the relationship. And then it's possibly the very fact that they still love their partner that keeps them in the relationship. There may be serious things wrong with the relationship but the person can still be in love.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm not sure about that. People cheat for many different reasons.

 

If someone cheats basically as a route out of a dead relationship, then it's evident they've fallen out of love.

 

However, many people cheat because they are not having physical or emotional needs met within the relationship. And then it's possibly the very fact that they still love their partner that keeps them in the relationship. There may be serious things wrong with the relationship but the person can still be in love.

 

I still believe that if you are not going to be faithful then you should just exit the relationship. No amount of excuses will justify infidelity. And *love* isn't enough for a relationship to continue. Respect and honesty are also very important.

[blind_otter]

You talk about throwing it all away over "one thing." To me, the "one thing" I'd be throwing it away over is that he doesn't love or respect me, and if our whole relationship is a sham then what I am throwing away? Nothing. I have lost nothing, because everything between us up until that point was a lie.

 

I would disagree with you that the whole relationship is a sham.

 

The OP's hypothetical situation involved a single incident, with concurrent remorse. So yeah, you could take this flight of fancy further and make it into a longstanding extracurricular relationship, but for the purposes of brevity let's stick with the initial scenario.

 

I disagree because I myself cheated once upon a time. Hell, I've even hookd up with guys after a breakup for sex and still been in love with my ex.

 

Nothing in human emotions or relationships is cut and dried.

 

The thing is, people have different levels of tolerance. Different personal experiences that lead them to put emphasis and importance on different things. Things you may find just CRAZY.

 

But that's cool, though, right? I mean, it should be anyways. I'm not the best person at being nonjudgemental, but it is something that I work on every day. I make mistakes myself, but ultimately we should all strive for that acceptance, right?

 

I dunno about you. But my love for people has never had nice, clean edges that could be clearly defined, explained or understood by anyone but the people involved.

[bab]

What's really important is that two people be on the same page. If you don't care if he sleeps around then that is certainly your perogative.

 

Your viewpoint implies that he WILL cheat, which seems negative, and if you'll accept "oops" as an excuse then that also is your perogative.

 

Certainly we've been talking about what ifs, but I honestly don't believe this is ever going to be an issue with us. Anyway, I'm tired of saying that I don't think it's okay, you refuse to believe that, so I'll let you believe what you want.

 

Of course we can each have our own perception. I think it's is certainly your right to tell your s/o that you will leave if he cheats, and certainly if that's what you believe your reaction would be, then you that's exactly what you should tell him, just not my take. I don't think that telling him that you'll leave is going to make him less likely to cheat than my guy, but believe what you want.

[catgirl1927]

I guess too many men have told me that I shouldn't worry about those other girls, because they really "loved" me.

 

After I left, they always acted like that had no idea why I would leave. Just because I meant nothing to them. Crazy me.

 

I have had sex with other people while I loved someone else, but I was no longer in a relationship with them. Usually I still loved the people who cheated. For a while. It hurts so so so bad. It's awful to be cheated on. Just awful.

[catgirl1927]

Certainly we've been talking about what ifs, but I honestly don't believe this is ever going to be an issue with us. Anyway, I'm tired of saying that I don't think it's okay, you refuse to believe that, so I'll let you believe what you want.

 

Of course we can each have our own perception. I think it's is certainly your right to tell your s/o that you will leave if he cheats, and certainly if that's what you believe your reaction would be, then you that's exactly what you should tell him, just not my take. I don't think that telling him that you'll leave is going to make him less likely to cheat than my guy, but believe what you want.

 

I hope it never is an issue with you guys. What upsets me about this so much is that I'm afriad you'll be hurt.

 

I agree that telling him I'll leave won't make him less likely to cheat. But that's what really would happen. And I think if I told him I would forgive him for fooling around, things would be a lot more likely to get "out of hand."

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, I really don't. You're probably a lot less stressed than I am.

[bab]

I hope it never is an issue with you guys. What upsets me about this so much is that I'm afriad you'll be hurt.

 

I agree that telling him I'll leave won't make him less likely to cheat. But that's what really would happen. And I think if I told him I would forgive him for fooling around, things would be a lot more likely to get "out of hand."

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, I really don't. You're probably a lot less stressed than I am.

 

Fair enough. Please don't be stressed on my account. My fiance is not the type of person that will take advantage of me. He just isn't. We have a very deep understanding of each other, and I'm really really really not worried about being hurt.

[catgirl1927]

Fair enough. Please don't be stressed on my account. My fiance is not the type of person that will take advantage of me. He just isn't. We have a very deep understanding of each other, and I'm really really really not worried about being hurt.

 

You're very lucky, then. I would never trust anyone that much. I have learned the HARD way.