bab Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Well, I'm not the boy, but I can tell you what my fiance and I discussed. We discussed it, and are on the same page, so I'll tell you what I think, and if you prefer a guy's opinion, then assume it's from him. Anyway, it really depends on the type of infidelity. I like sex with my SO, but it's such an insignificant part of what makes our relationship great. Our relationship is great because we communicate well, support each other, and most excitingly are planning our lives together. We are partners in many things, not just sex. So, if he had sex with someone else, I'd be hurt, probably badly. But I don't think it would be the end of the relationship. There would be so much more that he only shares with me. We could get through it. I think there are quite a few women that when presented with this, take this philosophy. The OW don't seem to understand that while they might be hot, they are only sharing their bodies, not their lives. I believe that my fiance is a much deeper person, and sharing his life with me is much more intimate then a roll in the hay with someone. On the other hand, if he was telling her that he loved her, and making plans for a life together, telling her he was going to leave me for her, then I'd send him with her to live out those plans he made....I think. Okay, go ahead and bash us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 ok now men, step on up, dont be scurred Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 Okay, go ahead and bash us. Well I can see where you're coming from but I don't necessarily think you would feel that way if it actually happened. Unless you just weren't cursed w/the female hormones and emotions. I think people can say all they wanna say, but they don't know how they will feel until it happens to them... but hopefully you will never have to know Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Okay, go ahead and bash us. I hope you really are ok with him sleeping around. Because you have given him permission to do so. Is he ok with you sleeping with someone else as well? If you are ok with it, then more power to you. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I hope you really are ok with him sleeping around. Because you have given him permission to do so. Is he ok with you sleeping with someone else as well? If you are ok with it, then more power to you. I wish you the best. She had better also invest in some heavy-duty protection if she decides to continue sleeping with him. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 She had better also invest in some heavy-duty protection if she decides to continue sleeping with him. Seriously. I had a friend who had an open marriage. She's divorced now, and he's with his new girlfriend. The one he was just using for sex. In all seriousness, some people are ok with open marriage. As long as it's mutual and everyone understands the risks, then go team go. I just worry she's going to get her heart broken. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Seriously. I had a friend who had an open marriage. She's divorced now, and he's with his new girlfriend. The one he was just using for sex. In all seriousness, some people are ok with open marriage. As long as it's mutual and everyone understands the risks, then go team go. I just worry she's going to get her heart broken. Open marriages are *yack*. I can't do that. The thought of *sharing* my GF with another man... no... I can't do it. If people wanna f*** around then they should just be single. Why screw up marriages... even worse if there are kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Wait, I don't think bab said she's interested in an open marriage. Am I reading that wrong? I thought she was just saying that she could conceivably forgive a sexual trangression more easily than an emotional one. But I wouldn't say that's giving someone license to go get busy elsewhere; she did say she'd be incredibly hurt, and so would he. Not wanting to inflict pain like that on someone you love is a better reason than threats anyway, right? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Yeah, my friend's parents were swingers. The only way it works is if neither person cares about sex or thinks it means anything at all. I really think, after seeing how messed up she is, that people who do that shouldn't have children. Unless they can hide it forever. Which lasts until someone falls in actual love. Then it all falls apart. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Wait, I don't think bab said she's interested in an open marriage. Am I reading that wrong? I thought she was just saying that she could conceivably forgive a sexual trangression more easily than an emotional one. But I wouldn't say that's giving someone license to go get busy elsewhere; she did say she'd be incredibly hurt, and so would he. Not wanting to inflict pain like that on someone you love is a better reason than threats anyway, right? Oh, absoLUTEly. I want someone to be with me cause he wants to. I just think if you tell a guy, "If you cheat, I will forgive you but my feelings will be hurt," he will probably try really hard not to get caught but I don't think it would keep him from doing it. Because if you were serious you'd say, "If you cheat, leave." Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Oh, absoLUTEly. I want someone to be with me cause he wants to. I just think if you tell a guy, "If you cheat, I will forgive you but my feelings will be hurt," he will probably try really hard not to get caught but I don't think it would keep him from doing it. I agree. There isn't much incentive for a guy to NOT cheat if his woman tells him that he will be forgiven if he does so. To me, that's giving him carte blanche. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Oh, absoLUTEly. I want someone to be with me cause he wants to. I just think if you tell a guy, "If you cheat, I will forgive you but my feelings will be hurt," he will probably try really hard not to get caught but I don't think it would keep him from doing it. Because if you were serious you'd say, "If you cheat, leave." IMO if a person is inclined to cheat, neither threat will work. So it's a moot point. If they will, they will, and nothing will prevent it. If they won't, they won't, and nothing would cause it to occur. I don't consider men like small children, who respond to behavior modification because their personalities are still malleable. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 IMO if a person is inclined to cheat, neither threat will work. So it's a moot point. If they will, they will, and nothing will prevent it. If they won't, they won't, and nothing would cause it to occur. I don't consider men like small children, who respond to behavior modification because their personalities are still malleable. Uh... what was that about generalisations? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I'm just struck by telling a guy it's ok for him to cheat as long as he doesn't tell the girl he loves her. And you're right, if they're gonna they're gonna, but for my own self respect I would leave if I found out. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I'm just struck by telling a guy it's ok for him to cheat as long as he doesn't tell the girl he loves her. And you're right, if they're gonna they're gonna, but for my own self respect I would leave if I found out. I didn't read it like that, but it's cool. ANd that's your choice, but others have different views. SO that's cool, too. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I'm just struck by telling a guy it's ok for him to cheat as long as he doesn't tell the girl he loves her. But I really don't think that's what she said. I think she was just saying she could conceivably forgive him. After, presumably, much crying and pain and counseling and fighting and other things that would hardly make it worth it for him unless he wanted to leave anyway. Having actually been through it, I'm not sure I agree with bab either - it's awfully hard to distinguish the niceties when you're head's in knots and it hurts like hell - but I just wanted to clarify what it sounds like she meant. She can correct me if I'm wrong, though. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 But I really don't think that's what she said. I think she was just saying she could conceivably forgive him. After, presumably, much crying and pain and counseling and fighting and other things that would hardly make it worth it for him unless he wanted to leave anyway. I'm not sure I agree with bab, but I just wanted to clarify what it sounds like she meant. She can correct me if I'm wrong, though. Oh please. Why would she wanna go through all the *cryin' and s***tin'* in the first place? Better to nip the problem in the ass and just leave the dude once he has cheated. Hey, don't people say "once a cheater, always a cheater?" She doesn't need counseling... she needs a backbone and lots of self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tim'sAngel Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 I think everyone's missing something here. It's not about forgiving. Anyone can forgive if they put their mind to it. It doesn't matter if you forgive your partner, its about not trusting again. I once forgave my dog for biting me, but I kept my distance because I knew he would do it again. It's about trust. And w/out trust, relationships crumble. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Why would she wanna go through all the *cryin' and s***tin'* in the first place? Better to nip the problem in the ass and just leave the dude once he has cheated. As to that - dunno. I think I added this after you already posted, but I personally had trouble distinguishing the love/sex thing. In the long run, I knew it all would always prey on my mind, I couldn't ever really trust him, and, worst of all, once I got over the shock I felt a lot of contempt for him, which definitely killed the love. But that was just my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I think everyone's missing something here. It's not about forgiving. Anyone can forgive if they put their mind to it. It doesn't matter if you forgive your partner' date=' its about not trusting again. I once forgave my dog for biting me, but I kept my distance because I knew he would do it again. It's about trust. And w/out trust, relationships crumble.[/quote'] Again, everyone has their own trust issues. Some find it easier to trust others. An individual's ability to trust, and their resilience both personally and in interpersonal relationships, is AGAIN -- an individual thing. Some peopel can handle it. Others can't. I forgave my parents dog for biting me on the throat and was just as loving and compassionate to it as ever. I understood that poor dog was nearly starved to death and neglected by its previous owners, and it acted out of fear rather than anger, so I loved it completely, regardless of what it did to me. I have the innate ability to do this, perhaps because I was raised in a physically abusive home. But I know and accept that many people don't, and do not judge them for it. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Wait, I don't think bab said she's interested in an open marriage. Am I reading that wrong? I thought she was just saying that she could conceivably forgive a sexual trangression more easily than an emotional one. But I wouldn't say that's giving someone license to go get busy elsewhere; she did say she'd be incredibly hurt, and so would he. Not wanting to inflict pain like that on someone you love is a better reason than threats anyway, right? EXACTLY!!! Glad someone got what I was saying. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 As to that - dunno. I think I added this after you already posted, but I personally had trouble distinguishing the love/sex thing. In the long run, I knew it all would always prey on my mind, I couldn't ever really trust him, and, worst of all, once I got over the shock I felt a lot of contempt for him, which definitely killed the love. But that was just my situation. Well, this is gonna blow you women away but I am a guy who equates sex with love. Very simple - no sex without love. Most guys (and some women) have a different take on this. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Here's a place we can agree, SF. That's exactly why I have trouble distinguishing the two. I don't have a philosophical stance on it, but de facto if I'm not feeling the love, I'm generally just not interested in the sex. (Frustrating at times!) But I know not everyone is like that; everyone has his/her own way of looking at that particular issue. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Why would she wanna go through all the *cryin' and s***tin'* in the first place? Better to nip the problem in the ass and just leave the dude once he has cheated. Hey, don't people say "once a cheater, always a cheater?" She doesn't need counseling... she needs a backbone and lots of self-respect. Most people that have any emotions are going to go through the *cryin' and s***tin'* regardless if they kick the other to the curb though. If the threat of me leaving would be the only thing that kept him from screwing another woman, in my opinion that is no different than if he actually did it. I'm not looking to hold someone in a relationship with threats. I hope that I have something more deep than that. I don't actually believe I would leave if he physically cheated. I should lie to him 'cause he has to have a threat to not do it??? Sorry, I think more highly of him than that. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Here's a place we can agree, SF. That's exactly why I have trouble distinguishing the two. I don't have a philosophical stance on it, but de facto if I'm not feeling the love, I'm generally just not interested in the sex. (Frustrating at times!) But I know not everyone is like that; everyone has his/her own way of looking at that particular issue. And this is why FWBs are alien to me... I had a woman approach me for that several years back. I told her to take a hike. I'm not just a piece of meat for your selfish pleasures. Link to post Share on other sites
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