Just married and depressed!

[Lori70]

Well, this is my story. I just got married and I’m so depressed. He’s happy and telling everyone in the world and I just want to run away from this mess. We dated for about 4 months before going off to different places, broke up for 5 months and then started dating long distance for about 6months. He really wanted to get married since we got together and starting pushing the idea from the beginning of that time. I told him early on that I just wasn’t ready for all that and that I needed time. He’d say he understood but then would keep bringing it up. He would send flowers and tell me how much he loved me and looked forward to our future, etc. I felt ready at one point and we became engaged.

 

Last week we went to the courthouse to get married, mostly because we have to be married to be together for our job. And we had to do it now or we wouldn't be together for year and a half more. The real church wedding won’t be until October or so and we needed to get some things in order so I can move with him for his job. When I told my mom I was feeling nervous that we hadn’t had enough time together but wanted to be with him she had said that I could think about this period as an engagement. He agreed that if that would make me more comfortable we could start premarital counseling and do a weekend retreat in the meantime. But now that we’re technically married I’m so unhappy. People keep congratulating me and I know they probably see that I’m not a glowing new bride. I just don’t know what to do. He left today to go back to where he lives and I’m here alone and I feel very alone. I feel like I made such a big mistake. Though maybe its better that I have time to myself.

 

I care for him but don’t know that I love him. I think its partially because he tries too hard, is too mushy and needy, where I want someone strong. We had a meeting with someone for work the day after we got married. We had received some unexpected news work wise and were both worked up. I was definitely frazzled and it probably showed but tried to keep my cool. He also was worked up and it was also evident. But what bothered me was when we were talking with this woman he kept insisting that something she said wasn’t true, that he had more information than her. And while he might very well have been right she is our superior and influencial in our work lives. He kept pressing the issue until she put him in his place. It was like I was watching it in slow motion and couldn’t do anything to stop him. He called her at the end of the day to apologize and say we were both just caught off guard and he hoped he hadn’t come across as difficult. But the whole incident worried me. How could he not read the situation and the incident made me think that he is pushy and that its not just me. I had a chance to back out of officially getting married but it was evident to both of us that it would probably not work to continue. I was worried about losing a potentially good relationship with a nice guy who I love.

 

His behavior which I’m beginning to see as just strange is worrisome, though I know he has a good heart. He gets very emotional and gets carried away sometimes. He says that all he wants to do is make me happy but look at me, its obviously not working. We can talk for hours but I don’t feel confident he really understands because if he did he would have backed off a long time ago. Anyway, its my fault that I’m in this position now and I’m wondering if I should just call it off quickly, saying it was just a big mistake or should I continue and try to make it work. I worry also because while he is a nice looking guy, I don’t find myself turned on by him because of his personality. Help! Do I work on it or call it off? It would be so embarrassing for both of us and I would feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life, either way. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do? I can’t tell my family or friends that I’m so unhappy now that I’m married. Its too embarrassing.

[Curmudgeon]

You wrote, "It would be so embarrassing for both of us and I would feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life, either way."

 

A much bigger mistake would be to stay in a marriage that doesn't suit and fulfill you. It all sounds like a rush to relationship and those rarely survive for the long-haul.

 

If you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man then do both of you a kindness, admit it and get out now.

[whichwayisup]

Lori, I kind of wish you had the strength to walk away before getting married, or atleast told him no when he asked you to marry him. Seems right from the start the red flags were there and your gut was telling you NOT to marry him. Yet you did anyway...It's sad now because here's a man who loves you and you don't love him.

 

End it now. The sooner the better for his sake. He needs to heal and get over you so he can get on with his life.

 

STOP caring about what everybody else wants you to do. For once, STAND UP for yourself and do the right thing. Honestly, I think your folks and family should be supportive and so should your friends. And if they aren't so what. It's your life, not theirs.

 

I'm sorry but I think it's a cope out to live your life to please others and not DO the right thing for yourself. If you need some therapy to help you end your marriage, then do it.

[tikigods]

The best thing you can do right now is admit that you made a mistake and takes the proper steps to fix that problem, which would be getting the marriage annuled and a divorce. That way you both can find the happiness you deserve, the longer this goes, the harder it will be on both of you

[Lori70]

The best thing you can do right now is admit that you made a mistake and takes the proper steps to fix that problem, which would be getting the marriage annuled and a divorce. That way you both can find the happiness you deserve, the longer this goes, the harder it will be on both of you

 

I know that made me just sound awful. And that's ok if its the truth. That's what I've been struggling with all along. Believe me I've been much harder on myself than anyone. In fact, I'm just so upset with myself that I don't see a way out peacefully. I can tell him its over and he'll just tell me I should have told him that before, which to be honest I did express my worries and fears and asked for more time. I can stay married to him and make him miserable for a few years. Or I can just run off, change my name, make new friends and live alone for the rest of my life, which is what I feel like doing now. Of course that's not a possiblity. Normally I'm a pretty stable person. Around him I feel controlled and aggitated even when he's trying to be affectionate. This isn't true all the time, but now that's we're official and he's not here to work out these feelings I'm at a loss. I guess anyway you look at it, its better off to tell the truth now. I can stand the humiliation but what I don't want to do is hurt him any more.

[SoleMate]

You're very compassionate. I understand the desire not to hurt. Unfortunately, you have no choice...you can either hand him the quick bandaid rip of immediate divorce, or you can hand him the slow, decades-long suffering of marriage to a woman who longs to NOT be married to him. Based on your own statements, you don't desire him or respect him. This is contradicted by your statement that you love him. Is it pity love?

 

If the way you feel is authentic and durable - in other words this is not just a blue moment for you - then it would truly be a kindness to both of you to end it. I would also recommend doing some introspection, as to what you were thinking when you agreed to a marriage that you apparently never wanted.

 

Let me ask you...are you typically impulsive, and easily pushed around by others? Or was this an aberration for you? Do you have any tendency towards depression, or have you typically had trouble in close relationships?

 

I can’t tell my family or friends that I’m so unhappy now that I’m married.

That's OK, they'd probably just give you unfortunate advice like your mom did. But seriously...like WWIU said, they should support you...and him...as you make this transition.

 

I'm not positive that you must divorce. I do think it's possible you are just lonely and second guessing your decision.

[aleatoryd]

Well technically you are married. You need to think about the commitment you made and decide whether it sums up how you want to libve your life. The divorce rate is climbing - probably because peoople don't read the "fine print" and realise what marriage vows mean. I know that sounds harsh but logic suggests that this isn't the true spirit of marriage and you would be better off with immediate hurt than drawing this situation out over a period of years.

 

You need to talk this through with people close to you who you trust, then talk to him if it is still an issue and maybe seek an anullment. Don't trap yourself. You have a right to be happy.