BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 In the normal course of dating, how long is it reasonable to wait until you ask for exclusivity? I just need an arbitrary number... in terms of time, number of dates, whatever. Also, is it appropriate to ask him if he's been sleeping with anyone else too??? You know, cuz I want to go exclusive with Steve, but I have this paranoia against seeming clingy, obsessed or overly attached... and he has so many of our female friends on his jock... I'm afraid he'll just laugh... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 This is going to sound rather hippie. But I wait for when that vibe happens and you just know you're both on the level. Which has obviously worked out great for me. /sarcasm. I'd think if you feel weird or insecure about it it's prolly not the right time yet. Explore this desire to go exclusive. Why? What's motivating you? IS he reciprocating? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 You won't like my answer.. I think when you start sleeping with someone that you are exclusive.. In your case it is going to be tough at all to get any kind of exclusivity just because to him it will mean not sleeping with more than one woman. Have you felt him out on whether or not he is ready to give up sleeping with multiple people ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 But I wait for when that vibe happens and you just know you're both on the level. Which has obviously worked out great for me. /sarcasm. I'd think if you feel weird or insecure about it it's prolly not the right time yet. Explore this desire to go exclusive. Why? What's motivating you? IS he reciprocating? The vibe is tricksy because he creates it whenever we're together. He has that whole sultry feline sensuality thing down to a science. It's hard to go by that when he does it naturally. What's motivating me? I like him a whole lot and I'm not interested in being with anyone else. He's so confusing... sometimes he's all there with me 100% and sometimes he seems so distant... I don't know if he does it because his interest level comes and goes, or if he, like, reconsiders things from time to time and backs off because I play it too cool or too hot or what! AAAGGGHHH. Someone please read his mind... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 The vibe is tricksy because he creates it whenever we're together. He has that whole sultry feline sensuality thing down to a science. It's hard to go by that when he does it naturally. What's motivating me? I like him a whole lot and I'm not interested in being with anyone else. He's so confusing... sometimes he's all there with me 100% and sometimes he seems so distant... I don't know if he does it because his interest level comes and goes, or if he, like, reconsiders things from time to time and backs off because I play it too cool or too hot or what! AAAGGGHHH. Someone please read his mind... Well, that sounds like ALPHAMALE's guide to being desired by women. 50% emotionally distant a**h*** 50 % extremely attentive lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 You won't like my answer.. I think when you start sleeping with someone that you are exclusive.. In your case it is going to be tough at all to get any kind of exclusivity just because to him it will mean not sleeping with more than one woman. Have you felt him out on whether or not he is ready to give up sleeping with multiple people ? I don't even know if he's screwing anyone else. I'm afraid to ask. Maybe he'll think I'm being weirdly fatal-attractiony? We don't really talk about those things... we just sleep together and get cuddly and affectionate and enjoy each other's company... I spend days on end at his house... but his house is an ultimate bachelor pad party house/stopover for everyone we know, including female friends, and I just don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 Well, that sounds like ALPHAMALE's guide to being desired by women. 50% emotionally distant a**h*** 50 % extremely attentive lover. Well, all he's accomplishing here is he's frustrating me. I miss Adam. He was so much more straightforward and I was head over heels about him. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 In the normal course of dating, how long is it reasonable to wait until you ask for exclusivity? ... six months I think when you start sleeping with someone that you are exclusive.. screw that! ....you're not exclusive until you both have the dreaded "talk" and both agree to it. Well, that sounds like ALPHAMALE's guide to being desired by women. 50% emotionally distant a**h*** 50 % extremely attentive lover. I'm planning on re-adjusting the ratio to 55/45, respectively. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Well, all he's accomplishing here is he's frustrating me. I miss Adam. He was so much more straightforward and I was head over heels about him. Then I would definately not be asking for exclusivity yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 I'm planning on re-adjusting the ratio to 55/45, respectively. Don't do it, man. Look what it's doing to me. Do I look happy to you? Does it look like this is winning him any points with me? For god's sake, I'm about to accept that marriage proposal and make off with that guy in New York. If Steve doesn't give soon, he's gonna lose me. I need love, not games. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 screw that! ....you're not exclusive until you both have the dreaded "talk" and both agree to it. while I believe this too.. I will only sleep with one woman at a time so if i'm sleeping with a woman.. I am exclusive. But in the same token I don't think that WE are exclusive and only expect that if the talk happens.. Blah Blah.. I have always found that the talk happens all by itself without any pushing and if it hasn't happened then the time isn't right yet. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Don't do it, man. Look what it's doing to me. Do I look happy to you? sorry, but I cannot take anyone with the initials of BBQ seriously But in the same token I don't think that WE are exclusive and only expect that if the talk happens.. with men, sexual exclusivity and emotional exclusivity can be seperated. I generally will not f*** two women concurrently either....but until the dreaded "talk" I reserve the right to casually see other women without sexaul activity Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 I have always found that the talk happens all by itself without any pushing and if it hasn't happened then the time isn't right yet. OK. Great. I'm gritting my teeth and bottling it all up inside, then. So in the meantime, what do I do? Do I start seeing other people on the side? In our inbred little circle of friends I have a few good prospects... but we all attend the same functions and it seems kind of distasteful to show up to, say, an art expo with one guy and have to walk over to a crowd of your friends and greet everyone you're also currently sleeping with The term "village bicycle" comes to mind... If I stay "faithful" I look pathetic... if I sleep around the circle I'm a whore not worth going exclusive with... if I date others outside our group I'm a traitor and extraneous by association... What course of action right now would win me more points? I'm in a pickle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 sorry, but I cannot take anyone with the initials of BBQ seriously Go pick on B_O... that's a much easier target... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 What course of action right now would win me more points? I'm in a pickle. maintain the status quo and buy a good quality vibrator Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 11, 2006 Author Share Posted April 11, 2006 maintain the status quo and buy a good quality vibrator Funny you should say that... my grandmother likes to sack my room whenever I'm gone, and every time I get a new sex toy she finds it and throws it away. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 OK. Great. I'm gritting my teeth and bottling it all up inside, then. So in the meantime, what do I do? Do I start seeing other people on the side? In our inbred little circle of friends I have a few good prospects... but we all attend the same functions and it seems kind of distasteful to show up to, say, an art expo with one guy and have to walk over to a crowd of your friends and greet everyone you're also currently sleeping with The term "village bicycle" comes to mind... If I stay "faithful" I look pathetic... if I sleep around the circle I'm a whore not worth going exclusive with... if I date others outside our group I'm a traitor and extraneous by association... What course of action right now would win me more points? I'm in a pickle. BBQ , I think maybe you should stop worrying about what other people, including this guy, think of you and do what you want to do. If you don't want to date anybody else right now, why bother? A side note: he's not concerning himself with winning more points with you. He's just doing his thing, for himself. That's the most attractive attitude anyway, right? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 ... my grandmother likes to sack my room whenever I'm gone, and every time I get a new sex toy she finds it and throws it away. grammy is not throwing them away... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Go pick on B_O... that's a much easier target... Sadly I've already taken on the moniker "body odor" as a defense. IMO, if you're getting the heebie jeebies, it's a bad sign. You admitted to longing for adam. Well. Exclusivity with steve won't be balm on that and in about 3-6 months you're going to be snapping at him and perhaps getting into drunken brawls becuase deep down inside you wanted him to be a better version of someone you're still hung up on. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 grammy is not throwing them away... Hee!!! I'm wiping coffee off the monitor now. Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 It's pretty simple. I'd go for exclusivity as soon as I feel like I want to pursue a serious relationship with the girl. This could happen as soon as the date #3 or it more commonly doesn't happen at all. Link to post Share on other sites
starlight2025 Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I believe in dating as friends for a minimum of 2 months & then ask for exclusivity. Your partner will either say yes or no. Prepare for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I agree with Alpha - you have to have the talk before you can truly expect him to be exclusive. At this point in my life, I am inclined to link sexual activity with exclusivity, but not everyone feels the same way about it. Have the talk - that way you both know exactly where you stand. As for when to have the talk, I think that comes when you can sense there's a genuine connection on the part of your partner. I think you have to not merely hope he's not sleeping around, you almost have to expect or assume that he's not. In other words, the talk should be more of a formality than an actual setting of the ground rules in the relationship from this point forward. It should be telling each other what you already pretty much know anyway. If you don't sense that he's feeling the same way, then don't ask him to be exclusive. Instead, ask yourself where the relationship is going and then, if you're up to it, ask him where he sees this thing going in the next month or so...or you could just wait and hope for the best. That's a call you have to make. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I'd go for exclusivity as soon as I feel like I want to pursue a serious relationship with the girl. This could happen as soon as the date #3 or it more commonly doesn't happen at all. thats where you and I differ, MADDOG....I would be looking at exclusivity possibly around date #30 instead of date #3. And I'm not joking either. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Short answer, there's no timeline. Different strokes for different folks. For some it is date 3, for others it's date 30. It depends on the people involved, which is why this is strictly a decision you make on a gut level, not using some arbitrary timeline. You go for the connection. If you feel like you've established a connection and you get the sense that he's establishing one as well, then ask for it. It's that simple. And if you ask for it and get an uncertain response, then I'd probably pull way, way back - and fast. You are either moving too quickly, or he's a commitment phobe - one of the two. And in either case, it's not a good prognosis for the relationship. When you have the talk, you two should be on the same wavelength by then. In many ways, the results of the talk are a good way to determine the health of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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