MadDog Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 thats where you and I differ, MADDOG....I would be looking at exclusivity possibly around date #30 instead of date #3. And I'm not joking either. Well, I figure if I wasn't that into her by somewhere near dates 3-5, I'd probably stop going out on dates with her. I'd still hang out with her but I wouldn't be picking her up at her place, taking her out to dinner, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 In the normal course of dating, how long is it reasonable to wait until you ask for exclusivity? I just need an arbitrary number... in terms of time, number of dates, whatever. Also, is it appropriate to ask him if he's been sleeping with anyone else too??? You know, cuz I want to go exclusive with Steve, but I have this paranoia against seeming clingy, obsessed or overly attached... and he has so many of our female friends on his jock... I'm afraid he'll just laugh... At the minimum, I would say a month but it also depends on how often the two of you are seeing each other. If it around 2 or 3 times a week, then that should be enough time for you to decide if the two of you are compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperMonk Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Uhh, usually on the first time you bang her - she may consider herself exclusive but if she hasn't said anything such as being verbally being serious/or even said "I love you" to me - my interest in her will always be passing grade cause I'm not gonna get stuck in a relationship where a girl isn't that interested in me. I have no need to ask, I am a man. A man who is 35 can bang a girl that is still in her 20s. But can a woman at 35 do the same? Yeah that's right, keep reading those cookbooks. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Uhh, usually on the first time you bang her - she may consider herself exclusive but if she hasn't said anything such as being verbally being serious/or even said "I love you" to me - my interest in her will always be passing grade cause I'm not gonna get stuck in a relationship where a girl isn't that interested in me. I have no need to ask, I am a man. A man who is 35 can bang a girl that is still in her 20s. But can a woman at 35 do the same? Yeah that's right, keep reading those cookbooks. You mean bang a guy in his 20s? I do and oopsie Im in my 40s. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Historically for me it's been brought up around 4 - 6 weeks. But my relationships also tend to go down in fiery balls of flames so take from that what you will. Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Damm I'm never really thought about it, I say just talk to him. The dreaded conversation... I hate it! I avoid it! I guess that's why I'm still single..... Usually guys after a month or so of being intimate and dating start "asking" me if I'm dating anyone else. Like now for example, I'm only seeing one guy, Blah blah you know...we've had the whole baby momma talk... We haven't been intimate yet and well....he's already asking me what I want and what I'm going to do!!! SUCKS!!! THE PRESSURE!!!! ( pulling hair) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Yay. Tonight I found out on which side my bread is buttered. Mr. I Won't Be Bothered With Exclusivity Even Though I've Been Banging You For Two Months Because I'm Too Busy Being A TOTAL f***ING WHORE. What an a**h***. I can't think right now. I just got home and I need to pop some pills before I do something crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I Won't Be Bothered With Exclusivity Even Though I've Been Banging You For Two Months Because I'm Too Busy Being A TOTAL f***ING WHORE. Let me preface this by saying I am sorry, and I am not in any way trying to rub salt in the wound here, but... ...a while back, we had a debate about sex early in the relationship. I said you should never give up the goods to a man within the first few dates if you want his respect, and this is a classic example why. If he gets it right away, the chances are good that he's not going to take you seriously. He likes you on some level, blah blah, but you gave him intimacy before he had a chance to appreciate exactly who it was he was being intimate with. Waiting never guarantees that he will like you in the end, but from a guy's perspective, it does increase that possibility substantially. At the very least, you could have found out whether he was in this just for the booty call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Read my letter to him. I wrote it last night after the pills kicked in. I'm checking it over and over before I send it to make sure I'm not making a fool of myself in it. Here goes: What can I say?... I feel devalued, to say the least. I let down my guard with you, something I NEVER do (and for good reason... it opens me up to getting hurt). And, as expected, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Keeping your philosophy in mind about implied exclusivity if the lady in question matters to you at all, and that you'd only sleep around/keep your options open if you didn't really like her, it naturally follows that you really don't like me very much. Well, in that case, you're a damn good actor. In private, you're the most affectionate, darling, engaging man a woman could ask for... you totally had me fooled into thinking you felt some tenderness towards me. Every action of yours pointed at that seemingly glaring truth. You actually opened up for once and started conversing about more than bulls*** small talk with me... I thought you saw that I'll always understand, no matter how unacceptable you may find your own mind and actions; I thought you knew I accept you as you are no matter how dysfunctional some of your idiosyncracies may be, and there's nothing you need to bottle up when you're with me. Even the sex became more intimate, so intimate I could see stars. You are a rare muse to an artist in the sensory-deprivation chamber that is her life. But something inside you tells you you've shown me too much and it's time to back away. Don't get involved, it says. Keep on partying, making up for the time you lost as a lone wolf... while not giving a hoot about any of them. You cared once, it went to the s***ter, and by God, you'll not have it happen again. Better to scrap the caring of a woman who would appreciate you. Seek vengeance through me (and possibly many others). Be that icon you always wished you'd been... at my expense. If you only wanted sex, you didn't have to play Casanova. God knows I'm as much of a whore as the next Studio 54'er, and I would have banged you for your looks alone. Done it before and I'll do it again. Just being honest. But you turned it into more than that. You led me on and made me start seeing a (seeming) connection, and I started giving of myself as is NEVER my habit. You didn't have to do that. It was a bit sadistic on your part, seeing as how your intentions were fun and games and nothing more. You didn't have to come up to me randomly and run your fingers through my hair, hold me and kiss me tenderly on a whim... you didn't have to laugh and sigh and tell me your secrets. I feel mocked. On a more self-deprecating note, I should have seen the lack of interest from a mile away. It's my own idiocy. You never once asked me anything about myself... never invited me anywhere... never called... never seemed to care whether I was around or not. Way back when, I took it as a sign of low interest. So I played it cool. More recently, I decided you were inhibited and unsure of yourself or my interest in you, so I came out of my shell and tried to show you that you were welcome in my heart. Now it turns out my original instinct was dead-on and I should have backed the f*** off. But removing myself from the bitterness, I can honestly say I see something in you magical and sparkling, that thing you try so desperately to hide. That face you put on for the world... it's a somewhat nauseating joke. It's that secret Jason that draws me in. One day you'll get tired of the sham and see what I'm talking about; you'll realize your own value in all your naked glory, all walls collapsed and your long-stifled essence breaking out in a blinding blaze. To call me disheartened right now would be an almost insulting understatement. But at least you know where I stand. Please don't insult my intelligence by feeding me the oldest excuses in the book: "It's not you, it's me..." "I'm not ready for a relationship..." "I'm having too much fun sleeping around and don't want to be chained down..." because we all know if you met a woman who drove you crazy, that would all go to s***. Those statements are just a nice way of saying "Sorry, I'm just not that into you." I mean, come on, you've had all sorts of girlfriends up until recently. The problem isn't relationships. The problem is ME. I'M not up to par. Still, aside from it all, I do understand, and it's my own job to get over this blow to my already fragile ego; I'm responsible for my own emotional well-being. I refuse to pin it on anyone else. I will never bother you again with my unwelcome nonsense and I hope we can still be platonic friends, because I do enjoy your company very much and your fascinatingly insightful conversation. I, however, cannot sleep with you anymore now that there's "stuff" in the way. It would damage me irretrievably, and I AM a gentle, fragile soul... I'm never kidding when I say that. Don't forget me, because I'm always here... the silent omnipresence on every corner, watching humanity and taking notes, breathing in everything life throws my way, living for every high and low. I'm now debating between celibacy and no-holds-barred promiscuity. I've flipflopped between both many times, depending on whether there was something to hold on to. Either way, the wall goes back up and I'll die before someone takes it down. I am my own. I guess I'll inevitably be seeing you soon. Don't be ashamed to ask me to buy you a drink. Nothing but kisses for you. No hard feelings at all. You have your things to work out, and I have mine. I still think you're great. P.S. I'm not a "professional squatter". My recent modeling gigs have made me fairly decent money and my graphic design jobs on the side supplement my income. I don't spend much because I'm saving up for a car and, later, an apartment. I squat because my grandparents treat me like s*** and my friends are kind to me, and that's crucial for my sanity. You'd know this if you'd asked. :-) - Jane Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Great letter.. I'll bet you feel better just writing it.. Now that you feel better don't send it.. It won't have the effect on him that you think it will.. He will gloss over it ( if that even ) and throw it away... He might read the lines that mention sex.. ( because that is what we do when we read these letters ) Sorry that your hurting.. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Historically for me it's been brought up around 4 - 6 weeks. But my relationships also tend to go down in fiery balls of flames so take from that what you will. thats cause youre getting serious way too fast with these women.... next time try 4-6 months. trust me, it works much better for both parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Great letter.. I'll bet you feel better just writing it.. Now that you feel better don't send it.. It won't have the effect on him that you think it will.. He will gloss over it ( if that even ) and throw it away... He might read the lines that mention sex.. ( because that is what we do when we read these letters ) Sorry that your hurting.. But A_C, I have to send him SOMETHING. I can't just let him walk off thinking everything's fine and dandy! What do I tell him?! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 But A_C, I have to send him SOMETHING. I can't just let him walk off thinking everything's fine and dandy! What do I tell him?! If your going to send him something then tell him to f*** off and call him a few choice names.. use anger not emotional mush.. we respond to anger better Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 But A_C, I have to send him SOMETHING. I can't just let him walk off thinking everything's fine and dandy! What do I tell him?! Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? If he were capable of understanding, he would. If he were on the same page, this would be unnecessary. I find myself wasting a lot of time trying to get them to understand, when ultimately -- the whole problem is that they don't, can't, and never will regardless of whatever lengthy conversations and letters you take part in or compose. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 The letter is well-written but I'm a little confused by it because in parts of it you say how much he sucks and in other parts you say how great he is. Also, given the way you describe him, my bet would be that it's more likely he'll get an ego boost from the letter than feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 The letter is well-written but I'm a little confused by it because in parts of it you say how much he sucks and in other parts you say how great he is. The reason for that is that he's great but did something bad to me. The two things are separate. He's amazing on the inside but lives like a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 thats cause youre getting serious way too fast with these women.... next time try 4-6 months. trust me, it works much better for both parties. Thats a little too long. To me waiting that long shows that you are not fully interested in the other person, but then again some people need lots of time to consider things that serious. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Thats a little too long. To me waiting that long shows that you are not fully interested in the other person, but then again some people need lots of time to consider things that serious. I agree with that. I think 4-6 months is a little too long but at the same time I think ALPHA has a point that I get too serious too fast. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 The reason for that is that he's great but did something bad to me. The two things are separate. He's amazing on the inside but lives like a jerk. That is a bulls*** rationalization. No offense, but it is. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 That is a bulls*** rationalization. true, but so was the Holocaust and a myriad of bad things in human history. the human psyche and its emotions are quite powerful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 true, but so was the Holocaust and a myriad of bad things in human history. the human psyche and its emotions are quite powerful. And here's a quote from The Smiths to counter your comparison of me with the Holocaust: Just shut your mouth, how can you say/ I go about things the wrong way/ I am human and I need to be loved/ Just like everybody else does Alpha, love you to death for the fact that you actually take the time to contemplate my problems and offer advice... but tread lightly; I'm a bit raw and frail right now. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Sorry you are hurting. He sucks. You deserve better. As far as exclusivity goes, I usually let a guy know after a few dates that I only sleep with guys who are my boyfriend. Then, I step back and let him bring up the exclusivity thing....and most guys do anyway after a few weeks (and one or two steamy kisses!) I find that most men want relationships and intimacy. There ARE great men out there, BBQ (okay if I call you that?) Now, SOME guys do just want sex. You can weed those guys out by not sleeping with a guy until the seventh or so date....for me, no matter how "passionate" I feel, I wait...and good, decent guys will wait, too. Next time, you can pace the relationship. For instance, I usually don't kiss on the first date. I like to get to know a guy without the pressure. I save that for the second or third date. But I do make sure the guy knows I'm attracted to him and am controlling myself...for now... Good luck. You and that guy want different things. Be clear and confident in your communication. You will soon get what YOU want... Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 The letter makes you sound needy. The fact that you even took the time to sit down and write all of that gives him more credit than he deserves. I agree with A_C; if you're going to write something, keep it short and to the point. One of the biggest lessons in life, I believe, is to admit defeat. There are many situations and people that you will never understand, and that will never understand you. The sooner you accept this about him, the sooner you will move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 Well, guess what, mofos. I went home tonight with the hottest guy ever... right in front of Steve. Told you we attend all the same functions. I didn't even talk to him tonight, except to give him a cold "Hello, how are you doing?" Fork him. I'll bet he'll be sleeping alone tonight. I'm a hot chick. I get laid. He doesn't. And come tomorrow, this one will be gone, and it's on to the next one. Fork all these idiots. No a**h*** will ever get my heart again. There is no heart left to give. I am mine. And I'm at the guy's house (I can't even remember his name) and I'm about to get me some great sex (according to my friend who also banged him), so I gotta go. LOVE YOU GUYS! YOU CAN FLAME ME LATER!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 God damn it, the guy turned out to be my friend's boyfriend. The ******* didn't tell me beforehand. As soon as he unsnapped my bra, she called his cell phone; I was like, is that Charlene's voice? He said yes; I alsked him if she was his girlfriend; he sort of admitted to it; and I called him all sorts of worthless scumbags and ran for it. I called Steve from Dunkin Donuts and he picked me up. He called me a worthless slut all the way home... I cried to him, explained my philosophy and told him all the stuff I said in that letter, told him how I felt... HE LAUGHED. HE LAUGHED! Goodbye, friends. . This is my last stand. I hope you enjoy my poetry. It's all I've left to give. I will call Steve one last time and tell him I love him... because I do, no matter how he's hurt me. Then I can go gentle into that good night. I have nothing left. I am nothing. I love you all for trying to keep me alive this whole time. You are good, kindhearted people... blessings on you all. I love every last one of you. Even you, Alpha. But life is just too much pain. Please pray for me. I just swallowed a whole ****load of random prescription pills. They were my grandparents'. I must have downed 30-40 of them. So there's the rub. I think The Smiths would be appropriate to die to. So I'll play some. Link to post Share on other sites
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