Where do we go from here?

[ImWithHim]

I write this post wondering if, at the end, I will actually submit it. If you're reading it, I mustered up the courage to post and face the replies.

 

I'm sure some of you have noticed us; ImWithHim & ImWithHer, posting around the forum in the last month or so. We joined this forum in part to gather advice and open our eyes a bit more, and in part to enjoy participating in a forum that was unlike any other we have been on. We have learned a lot from reading the OW/MM threads, hard as many of them were to read. This forum has initiated numerous private conversations between us in regards to what our future may hold and what we are facing down the road if we continue along this path.

 

To take to back to the beginning for a brief intro....we met on a forum of mutual interest. I can still remember our first conversation and how it started. I remember hours of amazing conversation before I heard that dreaded word "we" in reference to him and what I would soon learn was his wife. Instantly, I thought to myself that it was unfortunate that he was married, but life would go on. We started out intending to be friends, but at least in my heart, I knew he would always be more than a "friend." I know you're thinking to yourself, "Why didn't you walk away then?" In short, I did not think it would ever progress this far. Even then, and certainly now, I can no longer bring myself to walk away. I'm in love with him and I can't imagine turning back now.

 

From nightly talks, hours on end, to e-mails and PM's throughout the day when we have something we want to share or talk about but can't both be available right then. Since early last fall we have been very close. What started out as a flirty friendship has developed into what you all would call an emotional affair. We have not met, for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that we both have ties to our own worlds and we are many states apart. Most importantly is that I believe we are both afraid to face the reality of what we have gotten ourselves into. We can talk all we want about meeting in a public place and keeping things platonic, but we both know the reality is that we will leave that public place and go somewhere private. And I know he's as scared as I am to cross that unspoken line.

 

Long before I met him, I had plans to move to the state he lives in. This dream of living in that particular state is going to be a reality within the next year to year and a half. I will not be very far from where he currently lives. So while I am not moving "for" him, we would be lying to you by saying we are not both very excited about what possibilities this may bring.

 

We are there for eachother under all circumstances. Yes, we can tick one another off once in awhile by saying something wrong or in general getting frustrated with not being able to fulfill our feelings for one another, but as a whole, we get along wonderfully. We are not in the dark about what we would advise if our judgement wasn't so clouded. We understand that the reality of the situation is that with a wife and kids at home, the chances of him leaving her are very slim. We are trying to go into this with our eyes as open as possible...knowing that after the ride of a lifetime, there's likely to be a very big crash at the end.

 

To further complicate matters, he will be gone for 6 months in the very near future. I won't say where or what he will be doing, other than "government" work, for privacy reasons. We will keep in touch via writing (of course), but phone calls and internet contact will be out of the question as he will not have access to either. I'm extremely proud of what he's doing, but completely heartbroken at the lack of contact we will have.

 

We talked about whether or not to post here about this. This is something we both want, but primarily I just needed an outlet. This is not something we feel we can talk to any friends about as they would not approve. You, LS members, are our only source for encouragement and advice. Please be gentle with us, but honest.

 

We need your guidance. Thank you for reading this.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

To take to back to the beginning for a brief intro....we met on a forum of mutual interest. I can still remember our first conversation and how it started. I remember hours of amazing conversation before I heard that dreaded word "we" in reference to him and what I would soon learn was his wife. Instantly, I thought to myself that it was unfortunate that he was married, but life would go on. We started out intending to be friends, but at least in my heart, I knew he would always be more than a "friend." I know you're thinking to yourself, "Why didn't you walk away then?" In short, I did not think it would ever progress this far. Even then, and certainly now, I can no longer bring myself to walk away. I'm in love with him and I can't imagine turning back now.

 

I understand this initial intention of being friends. When you think about what true friendship means, it is sharing secrets and thoughts. As adults, our sexual feelings get tangled up in the friendship as well. Heck, sometimes, I feel that I love my best friend so much that I want to be sexual with her!

 

 

We can talk all we want about meeting in a public place and keeping things platonic, but we both know the reality is that we will leave that public place and go somewhere private. And I know he's as scared as I am to cross that unspoken line.

 

Yep. You know you won't be able to keep your hands off each other!

 

If you don't mind divulging more information, could you answer these for me?

1. How old are you (just give the age range if you are uncomfortable)?

2. Are you financially stable? In the case that you've moved to his state and things do not work out, will you be ok?

3. Is your MM in the process of divorce ... or is he having his cake and ...?

4. Realistically, where do you see yourself in 3 years without your MM?

5. Have you been married before? I find that women who have been married before will think differently from unmarried women, so I think this is an important piece of information.

 

I am finding much relief in this forum too. I am hopelessly in love with not just a married man, but a childhood bestfriend to my husband, to boot! I feel like such an idiot sometimes for having feelings for him. We've been intimate but haven't had intercourse because he'd always site that my husband loves me very much. Yeah, it pains me to be in this situation. Right now, I feel that no other man will do. And all he can think about is how he cannot hurt his bestfriend's feelings. On the one hand, I understand how he feels. We both know that our feelings for eachother will only bring disaster. But on the other hand... I feel the need to be selfish!

[erika2610]

I write this post wondering if, at the end, I will actually submit it. If you're reading it, I mustered up the courage to post and face the replies.

 

I'm sure some of you have noticed us; ImWithHim & ImWithHer, posting around the forum in the last month or so. We joined this forum in part to gather advice and open our eyes a bit more, and in part to enjoy participating in a forum that was unlike any other we have been on. We have learned a lot from reading the OW/MM threads, hard as many of them were to read. This forum has initiated numerous private conversations between us in regards to what our future may hold and what we are facing down the road if we continue along this path.

 

To take to back to the beginning for a brief intro....we met on a forum of mutual interest. I can still remember our first conversation and how it started. I remember hours of amazing conversation before I heard that dreaded word "we" in reference to him and what I would soon learn was his wife. Instantly, I thought to myself that it was unfortunate that he was married, but life would go on. We started out intending to be friends, but at least in my heart, I knew he would always be more than a "friend." I know you're thinking to yourself, "Why didn't you walk away then?" In short, I did not think it would ever progress this far. Even then, and certainly now, I can no longer bring myself to walk away. I'm in love with him and I can't imagine turning back now.

 

From nightly talks, hours on end, to e-mails and PM's throughout the day when we have something we want to share or talk about but can't both be available right then. Since early last fall we have been very close. What started out as a flirty friendship has developed into what you all would call an emotional affair. We have not met, for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that we both have ties to our own worlds and we are many states apart. Most importantly is that I believe we are both afraid to face the reality of what we have gotten ourselves into. We can talk all we want about meeting in a public place and keeping things platonic, but we both know the reality is that we will leave that public place and go somewhere private. And I know he's as scared as I am to cross that unspoken line.

 

Long before I met him, I had plans to move to the state he lives in. This dream of living in that particular state is going to be a reality within the next year to year and a half. I will not be very far from where he currently lives. So while I am not moving "for" him, we would be lying to you by saying we are not both very excited about what possibilities this may bring.

 

We are there for eachother under all circumstances. Yes, we can tick one another off once in awhile by saying something wrong or in general getting frustrated with not being able to fulfill our feelings for one another, but as a whole, we get along wonderfully. We are not in the dark about what we would advise if our judgement wasn't so clouded. We understand that the reality of the situation is that with a wife and kids at home, the chances of him leaving her are very slim. We are trying to go into this with our eyes as open as possible...knowing that after the ride of a lifetime, there's likely to be a very big crash at the end.

 

To further complicate matters, he will be gone for 6 months in the very near future. I won't say where or what he will be doing, other than "government" work, for privacy reasons. We will keep in touch via writing (of course), but phone calls and internet contact will be out of the question as he will not have access to either. I'm extremely proud of what he's doing, but completely heartbroken at the lack of contact we will have.

 

We talked about whether or not to post here about this. This is something we both want, but primarily I just needed an outlet. This is not something we feel we can talk to any friends about as they would not approve. You, LS members, are our only source for encouragement and advice. Please be gentle with us, but honest.

 

We need your guidance. Thank you for reading this.

 

I'll tell ya, you had me fooled. I thought you guys were married.. such cutesy posts it almost made me sick How old are his kids? Has he even entertained the notion of leaving? And how long have you been together?

[ImWithHim]

 

1. How old are you (just give the age range if you are uncomfortable)?

21 (22 in 2 weeks) and 32.

 

2. Are you financially stable? In the case that you've moved to his state and things do not work out, will you be ok?

Yes. He will in no way be supporting me. We will live independently of eachother.

 

3. Is your MM in the process of divorce ... or is he having his cake and ...?

No, he's not in the process and we actually talked about the "cake and eating it too" concept tonight. I truely don't believe that is his intention, but he wants a divorce (if one happens) to result from their failed marriage. Not from "me" breaking their marriage up. I agree with him on this.

 

4. Realistically, where do you see yourself in 3 years without your MM?

Working....laying awake at night thinking about him. I can't imagine my life without him at this point.

 

5. Have you been married before?

 

No, I have not.

[Blind Illusion]

Wow,

 

I thought you both were married or dating also. Which, I guess you really are doing the latter, just not in person yet.

 

I, all of a sudden lost the ability to know what to say...lol.

 

I do wish you both all the best though.

[Blind Illusion]

A quick aside: I'll always associate you with the THREE WORD POST story over at the Water Cooler. As soon as I saw your name, that's what I immediately thought.

 

Great game. You are going to have to type that all up in a story.

 

But.....back to our regularly scheduled thread of what you just posted.....

[erika2610]

Wow,

 

I thought you both were married or dating also. Which, I guess you really are doing the latter, just not in person yet.

 

I, all of a sudden lost the ability to know what to say...lol.

 

I do wish you both all the best though.

 

Yea, I'm pretyt stumped here myself

[ImWithHim]

 

I, all of a sudden lost the ability to know what to say...lol.

 

I do wish you both all the best though.

 

Thank you.

[tanbark813]

I don't reply to many OM/OW threads because they're pretty much all the same. This one is a little different in that up until this I, like a couple other posters, thought you guys were already together. The one way in which it is the same is that it's overly romanticized. You're caught up in the fantasy without being able to see the reality. The reality is your love interest is too much of a pussy to stay faithful to his wife and too much of a pussy to drop her and be with you. If he really wanted you then you guys would be together. Find an unattached guy to create a romance with.

[ImWithHer]

I'll tell ya, you had me fooled. I thought you guys were married.. such cutesy posts it almost made me sick How old are his kids? Has he even entertained the notion of leaving? And how long have you been together?

I guess I'll field these questions. My kids are both 3 1/2 years old. I love them dearly, and the thought of them is what makes this hardest of all.

I have entertained the notion of leaving. However, I have been honest in admitting that the likelyhood of it happening is slim. I still feel very obligated to my family, and it will take much to cause me to leave.

ImWithHim and I have been friends for about 8 months, and romantically inclined for about six. (Romantically inclined? Geez that sounds stiff!) We have not met in person yet.

[ImWithHim]

A quick aside: I'll always associate you with the THREE WORD POST story over at the Water Cooler. As soon as I saw your name, that's what I immediately thought.

 

Great game. You are going to have to type that all up in a story.

 

 

Guess it'll give me something to do for the next 6 months when he's gone...sigh...

[ImWithHim]

The reality is your love interest is too much of a pussy to stay faithful to his wife and too much of a pussy to drop her and be with you. If he really wanted you then you guys would be together.

 

Lets take it easy on the insults please.

[tanbark813]

Lets take it easy on the insults please.

 

I don't mean to be overly harsh but if you guys have never met in person and he's not going to leave his family then why are you wasting your time?

[ImWithHer]

Lets take it easy on the insults please.

No, tanbark was being honest. I appreciate his candor. I'm ready to listen to whatever anyone has to say, positive or negative. If I wanted punches pulled I wouldn't be here.

[erika2610]

I guess I'll field these questions. My kids are both 3 1/2 years old. I love them dearly, and the thought of them is what makes this hardest of all.

I have entertained the notion of leaving. However, I have been honest in admitting that the likelyhood of it happening is slim. I still feel very obligated to my family, and it will take much to cause me to leave.

ImWithHim and I have been friends for about 8 months, and romantically inclined for about six. (Romantically inclined? Geez that sounds stiff!) We have not met in person yet.

 

I'll say.. I usually have no problems giving advice in the OW arena, but I'm just at a loss here. I don't know what to say. But I will say that if you guys were to meet in person, it might be totally different. Some people find that when they meet in person, they're not as into each other..

[ImWithHim]

I don't mean to be overly harsh but if you guys have never met in person and he's not going to leave his family then why are you wasting your time?

 

I suppose I don't consider it a waste of time. I would rather invest time into a possible relationship with someone I care very deeply about than have multiple "real life" flings that don't go anywhere.

 

Thank you for toning it down.

[ImWithHim]

I'll say.. I usually have no problems giving advice in the OW arena, but I'm just at a loss here. I don't know what to say. But I will say that if you guys were to meet in person, it might be totally different. Some people find that when they meet in person, they're not as into each other..

 

We've talked about that several times. We're prepared for it, but of course we don't think we'll feel any different. I'm sure everyone that meets feels that way before they meet though.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

21 (22 in 2 weeks) and 32..

 

You are still so young. So much ahead of you! I really feel for you! I married my husband when I was 23. Guess what? I hate his guts now! Actually, we are just incompatible. He's really an idiot, but in the beginning of the courtship, he charmed me and got me fooled. There were red flags all over... but of course, I didn't care about those!

 

 

No, he's not in the process and we actually talked about the "cake and eating it too" concept tonight. I truely don't believe that is his intention, but he wants a divorce (if one happens) to result from their failed marriage. Not from "me" breaking their marriage up. I agree with him on this...

 

I'm going to be honest with you here. He is threading dangerous water by developing an emotional relationship with you. He has you hoping for more than friendship - and that makes him a cake eater! I know it is hard to hear, but you really need to go into this with your eyes fully open. You need to know how to be a "successful OW" - if there is such a thing. You CANNOT want/hope/wish/yearn/ask him to give up his family for you. There will be a moment when you will want more... and that is when the heartbreak will eat you up.

 

My best advice to you, from the bottom of my heart: do not get any further with him. Once you've become physical with him - even with a kiss - you will forever be in love with him and it will be much, much harder for you to let him go. I know, I've been there. There are days when I just want to cry or yell at everyone - even the people on LS. My husband is trying to make our marriage work better... but I am no longer interested in him. You see? Nothing - other than my obsession with my MM - matters to me any more. It is like an addictive drug. Best if you don't start it.

 

You have not been married, so you probably have a pretty rosy view of the 'perfect marriage'? Well, let me tell you that I have what appears to be a perfect marriage. We have everything that other people would want. But not many people would know that I absolutely cannot stand being with my H for more than 10 minutes at a time. He is very dense.

So what I'm trying to say is, the fact that he is married, says that he is having trouble within his M and is seeking pleasure elsewhere instead of trying to work on his M. If you stay on this forum long enough, or if you read some older posts, you'd recognize your MM in many of these posts. That's a guarantee!

[tanbark813]

No, tanbark was being honest. I appreciate his candor. I'm ready to listen to whatever anyone has to say, positive or negative. If I wanted punches pulled I wouldn't be here.

 

There are thousands of posts in the OM/OW forum that consist of the OM or OW waiting for their married SO and it never happens. Granted, I think they're foolish for putting themselves in that position to begin with, but they almost always end up devastated that, in the end, the OM/OW stayed with their spouse.

 

All I'm saying is pick one relationship and go with it. Not only is it the right thing to do, but you can't possibly devote 100% to either relationship if you're torn between two.

 

I suppose I don't consider it a waste of time. I would rather invest time into a possible relationship with someone I care very deeply about than have multiple "real life" flings that don't go anywhere.

 

Thank you for toning it down.

 

That's fine but given that he has been clear that it's a slim chance, it seems like a poor investment.

[johan]

I give you a 5% chance of coming out of this not feeling duped somehow. I give you less that 1% chance of coming out of this without regretting you got into it so deeply.

 

I'm sure he has no intention of hurting you in any way. I'm sure his feelings are real. But I'm talking to you, not him, because I think you're the one who has to make the decision. From his perspective things are easy enough that there's not much motivation to change anything. He has the wife, kids, and you. And you are distant enough not to present much of a complication.

 

I think you can afford the time right now to see how this goes. If you were older and felt the need to spend your time and energy more productively, then you would be far less inclined to tolerate this situation. Sooner or later one or the other of you is going to push until something breaks. That's how things in relationships go. Both people tolerate whatever problems exist until it builds up and something gives.

 

I think it will have to be you who pushes. He has much less incentive. Almost none. And when you do, the probabilities I mentioned above will factor in.

 

Good luck to you. Don't be a homewrecker. It's not just his life you're messing with.

[Sami_D]

Hello you two. I've never read any posts from you (that I can remember!) so I'm not as shocked as everyone else seems to be that you two aren't together.

 

I know it is hard to hear, but you really need to go into this with your eyes fully open. You need to know how to be a "successful OW" - if there is such a thing. You CANNOT want/hope/wish/yearn/ask him to give up his family for you. There will be a moment when you will want more... and that is when the heartbreak will eat you up.

 

This is SO true.

 

There WILL come that time. And he will still be more or less where he is now. Look at my story (if you can bear it ). Mine is an affair which is coming up to its second year... he STILL hasn't left, and his M was dead, and he wanted out of it well before I even came on the scene. ImWithHer is saying... his M is fine, or if not fine, then fine enough to stay. And that's what he'll do. Why would he do anything different? He has everything he wants now... wife, children, entertainment and attention on the side.

 

ImWithHim, if you're anything like me (like 99% of human beings even?) you have hope for what this will lead to... Even if you're not admitting it to yourself, you have hope. And that hope will grow, and the disappointments you will face, the problems you will have, as the OW are immense. You will cry more tears than you can possibly imagine. And at some point YOU will have to make the decision to walk away from who knows how many wasted years, and re-make your life.

 

I have no idea whether this will make any difference to you, but there it is. I suppose we all have to go through our own mistakes in order to learn. But you're so young, and I hate to see anyone set themselves up for a fall like this.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Blind Illusion]

 

That's fine but given that he has been clear that it's a slim chance, it seems like a poor investment.

 

But does everything in life have to be about investments and returns though? Have we become so goal oriented, that the bottom line is always the focus.

 

Perhaps it should be like that but feelings often have a mind of their own. You might be able to alter your actions but it is next to impossible to will one's feelings. At the end of the day, one's deep sentiments just aren't eradicated into the night, never to be seen or heard from again.

 

Oh, if only we lived in the perfect world!

[Blind Illusion]

. Don't be a homewrecker. It's not just his life you're messing with.

 

 

Everyone is responsible for their own little haciendas in life. Only the inhabitants of a home can opt to wreck, not those residing outside of it.

 

IMHO, anyhow.

[Art_Critic]

The reality is your love interest is too much of a pussy to stay faithful to his wife and too much of a pussy to drop her and be with you. If he really wanted you then you guys would be together. Find an unattached guy to create a romance with.

 

Word .......

 

where do your feelings and your needs come into play.. it seems he is getting his needs met..

 

what about yours ?

[ImWithHim]

 

where do your feelings and your needs come into play.. it seems he is getting his needs met..

 

what about yours ?

 

He is doing everything he can to take care of me. You've no idea how much it keeps me going day to day to have someone like him to talk to and vent about life to. Someone that understands, cares, and wants to know about my day and vice versa. I've never met anyone "IRL" that I cared so deeply about. I do not expect, nor want, him to up and leave his family for me. We are not at that point yet. He means the world to me, but my intentions are not to be a homewrecker and his are not to desert the family he has already built.

 

Unfortunatly for both of us, our feelings are getting in the way of our morals. There are times that I wonder how we got ourselves into this, but the vast majority of the time we still play the "what if" game. What if we hit it off when we meet as great as we did online...what if things do not work out with his wife and they do get divorced...what if, what if, what if....at this point, it may be unrealistic, but it is all I can fall asleep to at night. The alternative is no contact, and neither of us is anywhere near ready for that.