Where do we go from here?

[zarathustra]

IWHim, your sarcasm really goes to show how young you really are. Sorry. I don't mean for it to be an insult, but it really shows a lack of maturity. When I read the posts referencing your age, I don't think that they were intended at all to be insulting at all but you clearly took it as such.

 

Honestly, I think regardless of age, from everything I've read about your situation, the general consensus/guidance is for you two to not meet. I think the second consensus/guidance is for IWHer to decide if he is going to stay with his wife and if he is to really give it a chance (to do that he has to let you go). I think we would give the same comments even if you were in your 30s, 40s or 50s.

 

Heck, had I come in before my relationship with my xMM started, I'm sure people would tell me, Z, you're only in your early thirties, you have so much to live for. Its an encouragement for you to look at your life in a different perspective, know what I mean?

 

I agree with WA. To IWHer, I think the 6 months apart will give you time to think and get clarity as to what you want. Take the time to think about the what ifs. What if you leave? What would the effects be on your kids? Would you be able to continue the rest of your life living a sham of a marriage to a woman you don't love? Do you think that by staying you can offer your children a good example of a healthy relationship? what if you left?

 

IWHer, I hope you know that I think you are sincere man. You sound very much like my xMM. I loved him with all my heart. He was sincere, but he surely wasn't honest, not with his W and definitely not with me. I think he will spend the rest of his life trying to become an honest man again.

 

IWHim, I encourage you, if anything, to take the 6 months while he is away to see what's outside of this relationship. Take time to step away and re-evaluate if you want to take on the role as the other woman. As yourself if you would advise your bestfriend to take the same action you are about to take if he/she were in the same situation. Don't see each other before then.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks to those of you who answered in a kind and mature way, to the rest of you, no longer necessary to reply as I have realized this is something we will have to get through together without the need of an internet forum. Take care all.

 

Sorry to see you both go, I hope you make the right choice, a choice where you don't feel any guilt and can sleep well at night.

 

I do have to say, you two DID open this can of worms up by admitting that you two are having an online affair to us all, and because of that SO many people have replied. Some will give honest and caring advice. Some won't. Some will be rude, or immature. Yet, it's up to you to sift through what advice has good intent or which is not. I think leaving LS because the heats turned up abit more, or maybe also because people are hitting home and you're reading things that hurt, things that you both need to face and hear head-on, now it seems you're running...The problem about running away is eventually you both will have to face the truth of your situation...Seems neither of you are ready to even attempt to slow things down, take a step back and realize the timing is wrong. Everything is just wrong...As good as it feels, still is wrong.

 

It's not starting out in an honest way. You two have not met in real life... I could go on, but I'm afraid now my words will be falling on deaf ears as it seems noone wants to hear it anymore...

 

Best of luck either way.

[ImWithHer]

... I could go on, but I'm afraid now my words will be falling on deaf ears as it seems noone wants to hear it anymore...

Not true. Nothing that was said here was wasted breath. Please don't feel that your advice was wasted - I have taken every post and sentence to heart, and we both have been given much to contemplate.

 

While IWHim is a little irate now, I don't think your words fell on completely deaf ears. I have expressed to her that I hope she reconsiders leaving the forum, because many of you have shown a great deal of compassion toward her (even with the words that stung me). However, she is her own person and will make her own choice as to whether or not to come back.

 

Many of you I wish I could PM for a more one-on-one conversation, but unfortunately my account does not allow that at this point. When I return in six months I hope that we both have more clarity one way or the other, and I will try to provide an update if you're at all interested. Thank you once again,

 

ImWithHer

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks to those of you who answered in a kind and mature way, to the rest of you, no longer necessary to reply....

 

I don't think that speaking in a frank manner is necessarily unkind or immature. And while I admit, I skimmed through some of the responses...I didn't notice an overall lack of empathy.

 

Reality is what it is though. When a family is torn apart there's a certain amount of damage to be considered.

 

Should there be a divorce IWHer's wife will go forward in her life, emotional baggage notwithstanding. The kids will be forced to accept new people into their lives. They'll have little suitcases that they carry back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's house. And people will bicker about which clothes and toys belong where.

 

That's reality. And it'll be an uncomfortable one at times too, because no matter how long IWHer is divorced, a little piece of his heart will always recognize that particular woman as his wife.

 

A person can't make informed decisions without considering all the future ramifications. IWHer has the most to lose. He needs to consider all that.

[Ladyjane14]

When I return in six months I hope that we both have more clarity one way or the other, and I will try to provide an update if you're at all interested.

 

Good luck, and do give us an update when you can.

[zarathustra]

Good luck to you IWHer. take good care while you are away. My xMM left his W for me and while he was away on a short trip where he couldn't contact anyone at all, it struck him what I told him all along, that he was really not cut out to be a part time dad and thatlike I said to him before we started, that if there is respect for each other and a spark of love left, that it would be worth the while to try and work things out. But the attempt needs to be earnest.

 

IWHer, all I have written is from the heart and I truly hope for your happiness.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I don't think that speaking in a frank manner is necessarily unkind or immature. And while I admit, I skimmed through some of the responses...I didn't notice an overall lack of empathy.

 

Reality is what it is though. When a family is torn apart there's a certain amount of damage to be considered.

 

Should there be a divorce IWHer's wife will go forward in her life, emotional baggage notwithstanding. The kids will be forced to accept new people into their lives. They'll have little suitcases that they carry back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's house. And people will bicker about which clothes and toys belong where.

 

That's reality. And it'll be an uncomfortable one at times too, because no matter how long IWHer is divorced, a little piece of his heart will always recognize that particular woman as his wife.

 

A person can't make informed decisions without considering all the future ramifications. IWHer has the most to lose. He needs to consider all that.

 

 

LadyJane, I loooove you so much! :love:

 

You have so much compassion and wisdom. I still have alot to learn from you. (In case you haven't noticed, I am tagging your posts:laugh: .)

 

I agree that IWHER has a lot more to lose. Like my MM, who also has alot to lose if he chooses to have a liason with me. We parted amicably. I miss him very, very much. And I'd throw myself at his feet... but I can't because he loves me too much to allow it. He distanced himself from me so that I may heal and work on my marriage. That, IWHER, is what true love is. I have *NO* doubt that my MM loves me, and I am willing to work on myself (ie. making myself a strong, happy wife) because that's what he wants from me. I will always respect him and do what he tells me to do.

 

My MM has been telling my H to work on our marriage too. And as you people who have been following my story, my H is trying to change... not an easy task for him.

 

I hope that helps with your "decision", IWHER.

[zarathustra]

I said from the beginning to my xMM that I was not worth leaving a marriage for. That there is so much to lose and I have little to offer. Just love, companionship of being his life partner.

 

In the cold light of day, losing his time with his kids was too much.

 

My therapist told me that the bond between a parent and their children is so strong that many men cannot stay away and many return to their wives. Just food for thought.

 

Too bad you don't have access to PM, I would be happy to lend you an ear.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm blushing fit to match my red shirt, KHLF.

And you know, I think you're doing an awesome job. I'm not always a "marriage at all costs" person. But I am all for meeting your life head on, and taking control of your choices....and girl, you are gettin' it done!

 

 

And as you people who have been following my story, my H is trying to change... not an easy task for him.

 

Give us a post to the Marriage board sometime, and we'll all brainstorm and see what we can do to get hubby on the stick.

[zarathustra]

Most definitely. My H is trying to change too. So am I. We should start a thread. I need all the help I can get.

[Ladyjane14]

Most definitely. My H is trying to change too. So am I. We should start a thread. I need all the help I can get.

 

Good deal. We'll make a 'hen party' out of it!

[zarathustra]

Good deal. We'll make a 'hen party' out of it!

 

done... Look for me.

[whichwayisup]

Not true. Nothing that was said here was wasted breath. Please don't feel that your advice was wasted - I have taken every post and sentence to heart, and we both have been given much to contemplate.

 

While IWHim is a little irate now, I don't think your words fell on completely deaf ears. I have expressed to her that I hope she reconsiders leaving the forum, because many of you have shown a great deal of compassion toward her (even with the words that stung me). However, she is her own person and will make her own choice as to whether or not to come back.

 

It's one of those situations where hearing advice won't be easy. As I said earlier, some will give good advice and some won't. That's the thing about a public board, it's a mix of all sorts of people. I do think her leaving is a mistake because more good can come out of staying here than bad. I'm sure it isn't easy to read certain truths, but that is part of how it goes in OW/MM relationship advice. I guess in way you can look at it like finding out exactly what to expect, and what consquences are going to happen because of the choices being made.

 

Many of you I wish I could PM for a more one-on-one conversation, but unfortunately my account does not allow that at this point. When I return in six months I hope that we both have more clarity one way or the other, and I will try to provide an update if you're at all interested. Thank you once again,

 

ImWithHer

 

Take this time away to clear your head. I think you owe it to your wife and child to atleast give the marriage one last chance, with all the efforts involved. I really do believe you love your wife, but the emotional attachment you are feeling towards IWhim is making you feel less for your wife. What neither of you seem to understand is, those feelings are on the surface and won't last forever, especially because you two have not met in real life...What you have at home is long lasting love. A history together, a home life built together...A deep love that can last forever if you allow yourself to put that energy into your wife instead of IWhim.

 

Worst case senario?? You leave your family and go be with IMhim...Life is great for a little while but it isn't what you thought it was...You start missing what you had, you realize what you're giving up and how much your life will not be the same...So, you go back home. Your wife doesn't take you back. So, you either are alone or you try to work things out with IWhim, but it's different, not like it was before and then you're miserable. You only see your child as much as the courts allow you to. You will probably be filled with SO much regret...And those famous last words ring in your head... If only I knew then what I know now...The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

 

Good luck in life and definately post back with an update.