Great Gazoo Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 I am just wondering if anybody had any thoughts on this. I have been married for 12 years. When I first got married we had some problems, we separated for a very brief time, before and during the separation I ended up at these adult dating sites, I never cheated but I did talk to some women, met 1 for a drink and my wife knows all of this. So many years have passed and a few months ago my job went bad and I lost a lot of money and then something sad happened and I now find myself back at these same adult sites and doing some drugs. The drugs are very controlled and I have not let them take over my life. I have helped my wife out a lot getting over the sad news. I encouraged her do something different so she took a added position to her job which is really good for her. It allows her to travel more and meet new people. So she was gone the weekend at a meeting and she came home Sunday night. We were sitting in bed, I was watching TV and she was reading when she hands me over the newspaper and shows me a article, it was like a dear Abby article. It was about a woman who got caught writing a love letter to her BF. Her husband snuck up behind her and caught her writing the email and he got upset and took the computer with him to work and never brought it back and wont talk to her and the kids are crying for the computer. I email a friend and my wife knows about it so I just laughed and she said yeah its funny. So I said is that what your going to do and she said yeah, she can see herself walking into work with a computer. Then the other night she was talking about her meeting, she has another one in 2 weeks and she will be gone for 4 days and then she tells me she has another one in 4 weeks from now and will be gone for a week. So just by instinct I took her hand in mine and just looked at her and what she said blew me away. She says, whats the matter, you afraid of losing me? I was just kinda surprised so I just said no I know you wouldn’t do anything and she says yeah and what about you? I said who am I going to cheat with and she says you go on those chat lines, that’s what she calls them, I said no and she said you would lie to me because you know I will get mad. So what do you think, does she know that I am back at these adult dating sites? She is still being very loving, nothing has changed. She has always been very understanding and she knows last year was hard on me, so is she just looking the other way? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 So what do you think, does she know that I am back at these adult dating sites? She is still being very loving, nothing has changed. She has always been very understanding and she knows last year was hard on me, so is she just looking the other way? Just a guess....but yeah, there's a good possibility that she's giving you enough rope to hang yourself with. She may be "understanding" enough to provide you with opportunities to 'come clean', but in the end an emotionally unfaithful husband is still unfaithful. So if you lose your wife and family dynamic, all you can hope for is that 'adult chat' is enough to compensate you for your loss. You're making a clear choice in your actions. Remember that. There will be no one else to blame when the deal comes down. Link to post Share on other sites
carmaenforcer Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Ladyjane14 is absolutely right. You are playing with fire and are going to get burned. Planting the seed of doubt in the mind of a woman is not a good thing, ever. In your case especially, were you are not a strength in the house hold for the moment and your woman is having to go out for extended periods of time, hotel rooms, male co-workers and with her insecurity in her mind about what you may or may not be doing on those dating chat rooms. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Great Gazoo Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks Ladyjane and Carmaenforcer. The way I took it is that as you say she is giving me enough rope to hang myself, she knows about it and is warning me not to take anymore rope, just like if your at the edge of a cliff, if you take one more step, good bye. The only way she will hang me is if I do actually cheat, I know her and that’s where she will draw the line. I am surprised that you think this is being unfaithful, I know its not right but to call it being unfaithful? If you knew about what we have been through together in the last 3 years and how much I have been there for her you would understand why she puts up with me and why I would bet my life on her never doing anything wrong. She has only one thing in her mind and its not cheating. I am really behind her in this new position and I am just disappointed in myself that she has to put up with me. I am also under no illusion that what ever happens falls on my shoulders but that is nothing new to me. You always live and die by the sword. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I am surprised that you think this is being unfaithful, I know its not right but to call it being unfaithful? Well, my attorney agreed with me. He thought the judge would too. Adult chat and interactive pornography are responsible for LOTS of women seeking divorce these days. Like you, my husband didn't believe it was cheating either....as long as his 'person' wasn't in physical contact with anyone else's. You're free to take your chances, but you're likely to find that indulging your ego at the cost of your wife's self-esteem will eventually take it's toll on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
EndoftheRope Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I think it's almost entirely beside the point whether your wife knows what you're doing. As LadyJane said, it is emotional cheating and takes its toll on your marriage one way or another. If you value your wife and your marriage, you need to stop, regardless of how hard the past year has been on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 The drugs are very controlled and I have not let them take over my life. Sorry, Bud. Horse manacky! I worked narcotics as a peace officer long enough to know that no addict can just chip and in my not-so-humble opinion, your entire post sounds like you've been slamming, snorting, whatever your weakness is. You need help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Great Gazoo Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Thanks for info, I guess you learn something new everyday but I am not sure if we are talking about the same thing. There is no interactive porn and I never go beyond checking out the profiles and maybe winking to see who is interesting , checking out a backstage and sometimes the odd email. I would guess that your attorney would think this is the same thing and it would take a judge to find out. I know my wife would never divorce me just because of this. I will agree its not good for the marriage and I never thought I was hurting my wifes self-esteem but it sounds like you have had experience with this so I will take your word on it. As far as my ego goes it does nothing for it, in fact it makes me feel worse. I have known my wife most of my life and we do still really love each other. I just do it because I am just tired of things and I find it like a little escape.I give her all the emotional support I can give to the point I can barely handle it anymore.As I said everything falls on my shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Great Gazoo Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 I have alot of respect for law enforcement officers so I wont take your post in the wrong way, I know you have a tough job but I am no junkie or addict. My weakness is prescription drugs and I have the prescriptions legally. I am not snorting anything and I don't let them take control of my life. Just because I mentioned drugs does not mean I am a addict. I am concerned about becoming one but i refuse to use them until i need a break just like someone would take a joint once in a blue moon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Great Gazoo Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 I just wanted to say thanks to whoever replied, I have thought about what you have said, to me I never realized what I was doind was that bad. I have been staying away from those sites for now but I don't know what else to do, drugs? trying to find a escape? I always have to be the rock to my wife, to make her think everything is ok, life will give us a break when I myself have doubts on this and find myself so weak. Maybe after tommorow, the due date of what was suppose to the birth of our son, the second lost child after 6 years of always dreaming things will turn around. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Consider seeing your doctor for a depression/anxiety screening. Grief counseling would also be beneficial for both you and your wife. Call your medical insurance company for details on any coverage you might have. Escapism never works. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Link to post Share on other sites
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