Coping with Jealousy

[Ja5e]

Hi,

 

I`ve been posting in the Friends & Lovers section a bit but this one might be answered better here.

 

Basically I`m in love with a girl who`s one of my best friends. Its been 18 months now since I had to tell her how I felt.

 

Recently though other friends , trying to help me get her out of my head , have thought it necessary to point out to me that she has been seen to snog other male friends on nights out.

 

This basically makes me feel ill. Its totally irrational I know , but the thought of her doing this really turns my stomach to the point of making me ill and giving me sleepless nights.

 

As she sees us as "just friends" I know logically that I have no right whatsoever to feel like this. But how to cope with it? I havent witnessed her doing this but it seems totally out of character for her and even though I know it hapened on 2 occasions ( 2 yrs ago ) when she was cheated on by her then husband , I can sort of make excuses for her , ie she was mixed up , needed some attention or to feel attractive etc.

 

But it hurts so much!!! How do I banish these thoughts and the feeling of jealousy.

[tikigods]

Your right she isn't "yours" and just a friend, the only way you can get over this is either 1. not be her friend anymore 2. realize that she will never feel the way about you that you do about her and move on with your life

[Walk]

I think it'd be in your best interest to not have your friend in your life anymore. It's hindering you from finding peace and also in finding someone who will love you as much as you love them.

 

Dissasociate yourself from her. She doesnt' feel the same for you, and it's causing you harm. She won't suddenly feel something for you, and clinging to that false hope is not doing you any good.

[Ja5e]

Well , thngs got too much for me this week and I bit the bullet.

 

I told her there were rules that needed to be followed by her ( and me ) and that if she was a friend then she would stick to them to help me.

 

The rules were basically :-

 

1. No more just the 2 of us hanging out at her place or mine all night.

2. No more "date-like" outings

3. No more mundane txts each day

4. No more ringing for emotional support to each other.

5. Definately NO cuddling on couch or touchy feely stuff.

 

SHe was upset , but agreed to back off and stay out of my life for a while.

Only hours later though she was threatening to come round to my place as she was worried about me - she was stopped by a mutual friend who said he would come see me and let her know I was coping etc.

 

Of course I then wrestled with the "have I done the right thing" question - shoudl I have pulled myself together and carried on as best I could , but in the end NO - I`d only end up like this again,possibly worse if she met someone special and I still felt like that.

 

So now - its just me , on my own battling to get rid of the feelings. I know its not going to be easy and I`m quite scared , but I think I`ve made a positive step.

[Jadore]

I really feel for your friend. It's not easy at all to go through a divorce. I personally had to watch my mother my entire life get cheated on, kicked out, disrespected. My mother was verbally spit on for the majority of my childhood and it either could have broken her down or made her stronger. I'm glad it made her stronger..

 

You need to realize your friend has experienced something that she could possibly be trying to supress from her mind. You really aren't the one who needs the help, she does. You need to help her regardless of these rules and feelings. Be there for her and let her know snagging guys every night at a club is NOT ok. It's not OK with you and it's NOT FAIR to herself. Remind her of what she does deserve and what is she doing to herself.

 

If you don't.. who will?

[HotCaliGirl]

what does snog mean?

[Ja5e]

Hotcaligirl - "snog" is used her ein the UK to mean French Kiss , kissing with tongues etc.

 

Jadore - Dont get me wrong,please. I more than care for her , i love her. But It got to a poit where I was being ill and starting to lose sleep for days on end.

 

I had tried to cool the friendship as best I could without actually saying "I`m dissapearing from you rlife for a while" on 2 previous occasions. Each time she would get upset and ask me not to stop seeing her or going out with her etc.

 

I had also 4 times since I first told her I had feelings of more than friendship , asked her to tell me in no uncertain terms tat nothing would ever happen between us - each time she would refuse and say "I cant say it never will".

 

So , it gt to this point. It took a hell of a lot for me to do this. It may seem selfish to some , but most people who know me have said I`ve had to do it.

 

My hope is that , in time , she and I will become better friends , with no undercurrent or sexual tension between us and we`ll be able to enjoy each other as best freinds again. This I know will take time though. Plus I have to be careful that depending on how long it takes for me to shake the feelings ( I mean its been 2yrs for me ) , she may not want to resume a freindship - or we might resume a friendship and I have the same feelings re-appear.

 

For now. I`m worried for how she is feeling , but think best I dont contact her for a while. We have agreed to let friends keep us informed of how we bth are. She`ll miss me , but ultimately not as much as I will be missing her as I love her.

 

I`m just trying to not think of the situation , keep busy , take some time off work and allow myself maybe 5 minutes occasionally to think of her. I have to get her out of my head romantically for my own good.