My boyfriend and his old crush... should I worry?

[ventinginblue]

Okay, hopefully this question won't be too long, but I'll try to explain it as simply as possible.

 

My bf and I have been dating over a year. We live together, and we're pretty serious. We both have friends of opposite sexes, and generally everything is fine.

 

But I have a problem with one of his friends, and I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting, reacting sanely, or not taking it seriously enough. ><

 

Okay, he's been friends with this girl for over four years now. From the time he met her up until we were dating, he had a major crush on her. Now, that's a long time to keep a crush in my opinion. Almost three years? Anyway, they had made a pact to date whenever they were both single. The feeling was mutual. But they lost touch every once and a while and nothing came out of it.

 

Throughout our relationship (my bf and I), we've established that we're both extremely jealous people, and we've come to terms with that. So that's why I'm confused about this issue.

 

About once a month or less, he and this girl email each other, or converse on the oh-so-popular myspace. At first I didn't mind this. All I asked was that I could see the emails she sent, because she tends to be quite flirty, and so does she. Well, nearly every single email or message that has been sent has sounded flirty to me, and he has shown none of them to me when he was supposed to. I would ask him "have you gotten anything from (her name)?", and he would say no. But then lo and behold, when I look over his shoulder an hour later, there's a read and replied message from her. He always responds, "I'm sorry, I completely forgot". Now, I can understand this some of the time, but it's happened so often I wonder whether he's lying to me or he just has an uber bad memory. >< Not to mention the fact that they sound positively flirty in their emails. "Oh you're my bestest bud ever, love you!!!", "we need to hang out again and tell each other everything!!!" and stuff. If this were a normal friend he had, I probably wouldn't care... but this is the girl that he had a crush on for nearly three years.

 

And now, I can't help myself saying that I don't want him hanging out with her alone, or without me there. Am I being paranoid and possessive? =/ Or do I have reason to be concerned about this. I know he loves me, but what would happen if he started spending time with her again, now that she's single? I have a tiny inkling that I'm just overreacting, but every thought of him hanging out with her makes me sick with worry. And I'm afraid he'll resent me for not wanting him to hang out with an old friend. ><

[MadDog]

If he's treating you well & giving you all the attention you need, this girl is irrelevant. If there is something there, there's nothing you could about it anyway. He probably still finds her attractive & all that but it doesn't mean anything if he's into you.

[ventinginblue]

I just hope the attraction isn't something for me to worry about. We've been together for over a year, so I don't think he's going to through it all away for this other girl. But at the same time she's quite the flirt, and doesn't seem to have respect for relationships. I just wonder why he's still friends with her.

 

But yeah, I probably am overreacting like I said, but just wanted to see what you all think. I've been wrong in the past.

[MadDog]

I just hope the attraction isn't something for me to worry about. We've been together for over a year, so I don't think he's going to through it all away for this other girl. But at the same time she's quite the flirt, and doesn't seem to have respect for relationships. I just wonder why he's still friends with her.

 

But yeah, I probably am overreacting like I said, but just wanted to see what you all think. I've been wrong in the past.

 

You have to evaluate what type of morals he has. Is he honest? Does he take the easy way out or does he do the right thing? Does he consider other people's perspectives? This will help you gauge whether you should be worried.

[catgirl1927]

If he's treating you well & giving you all the attention you need, this girl is irrelevant. If there is something there, there's nothing you could about it anyway. He probably still finds her attractive & all that but it doesn't mean anything if he's into you.

 

Hahaha! How funny.

[tinktronik]

Hahaha! How funny.

why is that funny? People will always find others attractive , this dosn't just stop when you are in a relationship.

[MadDog]

Hahaha! How funny.

 

It's true. Finding someone attractive isn't the same thing as having any real emotions for them.

 

I can have a girlfriend I'm really into emotionally. Will I all of a sudden not find a super hot girl that walks by unattractive? Obviously not. The thing is it'll end there & I wouldn't actually get with her, even if she threw herself at me. It's because I know a night of sex (no matter how great it is) isn't worth throwing away an emotional connection for. The latter is much harder to find.

[MadDog]

why is that funny? People will always find others attractive , this dosn't just stop when you are in a relationship.

 

You get the cool chick of the week award. Congrats.

[tinktronik]

You get the cool chick of the week award. Congrats.

Um, thanks , I think.Ill put it on the mantle right next to my greatest ass award.

[MadDog]

Um, thanks , I think.Ill put it on the mantle right next to my greatest ass award.

 

Do you by chance work for the adult film industry? (Hopeful)

[catgirl1927]

It's true. Finding someone attractive isn't the same thing as having any real emotions for them.

 

I can have a girlfriend I'm really into emotionally. Will I all of a sudden not find a super hot girl that walks by unattractive? Obviously not. The thing is it'll end there & I wouldn't actually get with her, even if she threw herself at me. It's because I know a night of sex (no matter how great it is) isn't worth throwing away an emotional connection for. The latter is much harder to find.

 

Uh, a girl that walks by is different from someone you're spending loads of alone time with.

 

But truly, a decent guy knows this is true:

 

It's because I know a night of sex (no matter how great it is) isn't worth throwing away an emotional connection for. The latter is much harder to find.

[Sal Paradise]

I'd be worried if I was you. He is obviously lying about the emails and breaking an agreement you two had (to share the emails). You're not over-reacting. Lying is never acceptable. There is no way he is forgetting the emails that often. Its a bs excuse.

 

Does that mean something is happening? No, but it does mean that you can't trust him in regards to this girl.

 

Also finding someone attractive is a bit different than having a crush. A crush means there was some sort of emotional involvement (at least on his part). She's a girl he wanted to be with and never sealed the deal with. That could be a dangerous combo especially when you factor in the flirtatious nature of their friendship.

 

I think you two need to have a discussion about this. If he is the guy you think he is you shouldn't have any problems fixing this. Perhaps he should cut down on the flirting with this girl and he has to eliminate the lying. I'm sure he'd flip his lid if the roles were reversed.

 

I'd be more concerned with the lying than anything. And when you throw everything else in, the flirting, the crush etc. You potentially have the ingrediants to a lethal combo. Like I said I think you two need to have a serious discussion. Nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand (if it already hasn't).

[ventinginblue]

Yeah, we've talked about this before. Nothing has really happened in the past couple months or so, so I'm feeling a little bit better about it. But at the time I was really freaking out, because I felt the same way you do about the lying. He's not allowed to hang out with her unless I'm around, and he gave me all of his email passwords and account passwords to make sure I'm able to check up on him whenever. He said he didn't want me to worry, and just in case he forgot, I can always look in his accounts and see what he wrote. He's made a lot of efforts to make me feel better about it, which has made me feel a lot better. But every once and a while I feel that surge of worry about the whole thing, and how close he is to her. As of right now, he's not trying to make plans to hang out with her, but when that time comes, I'll have to watch for the warning signs I guess. =/

[littlekitty]

IMHO if he respected you, he wouldn't be carrying on this friendship in this manner. They had a connection, and regardless of friendship, it is disrespectful for them to be spending time together alone IMO.

 

The lying and flirty emails are to me a red flag. These would concern me. There's obviously still some attachment there. While he might not want to act on it, it is disrespectful to you, for him to be flirting with someone with whom he has a long standing connection and attraction.

[ventinginblue]

IMHO if he respected you, he wouldn't be carrying on this friendship in this manner. They had a connection, and regardless of friendship, it is disrespectful for them to be spending time together alone IMO.

 

The lying and flirty emails are to me a red flag. These would concern me. There's obviously still some attachment there. While he might not want to act on it, it is disrespectful to you, for him to be flirting with someone with whom he has a long standing connection and attraction.

 

Thankfully, he hasn't spent any alone time with her since the beginning of our relationship, and ever since the conflict started, he hasn't planned to. If I know him as well as I think I do, he wouldn't leave me for her, regardless of her flinging herself onto him if she thought she had a chance. But it still makes me jealous and angry whenever he flirts with her and lies to me about it.

 

I'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed that they'll lose touch and stop talking completely. There are certain boundaries we've already set up, but I don't want to be a controlling b!tch and tell him not to talk to her ever again =O

[littlekitty]

Thankfully, he hasn't spent any alone time with her since the beginning of our relationship, and ever since the conflict started, he hasn't planned to. If I know him as well as I think I do, he wouldn't leave me for her, regardless of her flinging herself onto him if she thought she had a chance. But it still makes me jealous and angry whenever he flirts with her and lies to me about it.

 

I'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed that they'll lose touch and stop talking completely. There are certain boundaries we've already set up, but I don't want to be a controlling b!tch and tell him not to talk to her ever again =O

 

That's good then, that's a big factor. Personally I still find the emails to be disrespectful, but if you're ok with it, then that's ok.

 

It difficult, because - as you rightly say - you don't want to be seen to be controlling who he can and can't be friends with.

 

IME in a good relationship these friendships fall the wayside anyway, as the partners have a respect for each other, and don't keep friends like this!

[ventinginblue]

That's good then, that's a big factor. Personally I still find the emails to be disrespectful, but if you're ok with it, then that's ok.

 

It difficult, because - as you rightly say - you don't want to be seen to be controlling who he can and can't be friends with.

 

IME in a good relationship these friendships fall the wayside anyway, as the partners have a respect for each other, and don't keep friends like this!

 

We occasionally bicker about the emails... though he rarely sends nor receives more than two every month. He has a history of being very flirty; that's his personality. He was a socialite to the extreme and his personality has always been that of the flirty nature. (Which is what got me dating him in the first place ) So I can understand to an extent that he flirts without it even realizing it, because it's simply second nature to him. So with every (flirty) email I beat it into his head that some things aren't acceptable. He seems to be learning, as the flirting has minimized since the start. But yeah, we still fight about it occasionally. I'll just be happy when she stops talking to him >< Less stressful to me!