Ultracol Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Hi there, I am hoping on getting some perspective from others out there. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half. Actually, I have no complaints about our relationship as a whole. He is a sweet, kind man. We get along very well. In fact, we have so many inside jokes that we agree that we have "our own language." We have travelled together (abroad for a month) and have been integrated into each other's families. Additionally, we are also "starting" to talk about marriage. That all said, he hasn't told me he loves me. And, when I have asked him point blank, he admits that he isn't "in love" with me. He has told me he cares for me very deeply and that he definitely interested in a long term relationship with me. In fact, a few weeks back, he told me that he is 100% committed to the relationship. I am not sure how to take it that he isn't "in love" with me and hasn't said those three key words: "I love you." As background, I do think he has been "in love" in the past (twice) and both those relationships ended terribly. Finally, he says his parents got divorced and they were definitely "in love." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 If he isn't feeling that "inlove" feeling with you, it's not really fair to YOU to stay with him and settle. Why would you want someone who doesn't love you the same way you love them? It would be awful if you two DID get married and a year into the marriage he still isn't feeling it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 being "in love" and caring are two different things. Some people love in different ways. If he is committed and you are two well work on the "love" part and figure it out if it is really cold feet, indecisions, or love in a different way. Either way, don't get married till it is figured out. It sounds to me you two are more buddies and maybe missed the boat on timing. how long have you two been together? Together as in dating, friendship, bf/gf, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 The lonliest place to be is a marriage where either you aren't 'in love' with your spouse, or your spouse isn't 'in love' with you. Don't get married unless and until this is figured out. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 What a jerk! Heck, if he is not in love with you, then he sould not discuss marriage with you! Geez, does he think that marriage is just a fancy ritual? Really, what do you think that tells you about him??? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 If someone I loved said they were not 'in love' with me I wouldn't pursue a long-term relationship with them. You can't force those feelings. If they're not there, they're not there. Why does he want to talk marriage with someone he's not in love with? Is it security? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 I hate to go against what everyone else has said, but I would submit that it's possible that he is in love with you, and just has an aversion to the words. You say that you don't have any complaints about the relationship, so that makes me assume that the sex aspect is okay and he must make you feel as though he loves you, except for saying the words... It sounds like because of his past relationships and that of his parents, none of which are your fault at all, he really has a problem with those words and would rather say "I care for you deeply." He should work thru that in therapy or something to get rid of that baggage. If he will not do that, then you may not be able to stay with him, because talking about your love for each other is something most of us need to do, I think. Good luck! We all have baggage from past relationships (some more than others) but I hope that it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 A guy that "loves you but is not in love with you" is completely worthless to pursue in the long run. All he's going to bring you is heartache if you try to stick with him. Don't do it. Don't waste your time. Find someone who is head over heels in love with you and you with them. Link to post Share on other sites
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 The romantic in me hopes that your boyfriend is waiting until you get married and on that special day he'll say those magic words "I love you". The pragmatist isn't so sure. I wouldn't rush into marriage you both need to sit down and talk this through. It sounds like he is still numb from his previous emotional heart breaks and while he wants to commit there is a part of him that he refuses to give you. Not fair on you and while he remains with you it's not likely these issues are being resolved. They are probably deep rooted and below the surface. You don't want them coming to light when you are already married. I had two friends (girls actually not that it matters) who dated guys they didn't love just to have a boyfriend. Only people get hurt from this and that further screws up more peoples heads and ruins more relationships down the line. One girl even told her boyfriend that if he didn't marry her by a certain date it would all be over. Also she had specific requirements on the number of children etc! She didn't show him public affection. When they broke up she told him that she had never been attracted to him. Some people are raised with certain expectations but don't involve emotions. They want marriage and children but they either aren't prepared to give, have been hurt or don't know how to give emotionally. Your boyfriend is at the very least the middle category. It is highly possible that love is in there somewhere and needs to be nurtured and developed. I really hope so because you sound like a close couple even if he doesn't claim to love you. There is something special between the two of you. Don't throw it away... fight for it. And remember given his past experiences "I love you" may have lost some of its meaning. If I like a girl I say "I like you", "I really like you" etc possibly similar to your boyfriend. To me "like" is akin to love but "Love" is the word I'm saving. And afterall what's in a word - it just describes something. Link to post Share on other sites
beachrosie Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 Love is a heavy word to many....but by what you wrote...how could he not love you? Have deep respect for yourself to release he does love you, but the word "love" does not come easily for all. I have felt this way, and I am an extremely loving and caring person. But, oddly enough, I have difficulty saying so, because my actions say it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 if he says hes not in love with you, believe him. forget about the past and look at today. is it more platonic? take a break, he will either realize he loves you and cant be without you, or not. either way, you will know for sure. and you deserve to know for sure. (especially since you guys are toying with the idea of marriage) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 I married someone I was not in love with. She picked me up on the rebound from the woman I was in love with (by the way, I had no trouble saying I was in love with the first woman). I have been married 38 years. It has been a comfortable marriage, but not passionate. I love my wife, but not as much as I did my true love. We have raised to lovely daughters. I am not recommending this, but a marriage of comfort can work. Link to post Share on other sites
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