well, this is terrible

[Jadore]

Alright, here it goes...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 15 months. We just have moved to Portland, Oregon from San Francisco and during this time he is back in California to celebrate his birthday with his friends and family. We thought it would be a good idea because I had my best friends coming up at the same time and they would be staying in our apartment.

 

Sorry, this is really hard for me to write because I feel so terrible and yet so confused..

He told me about a week before he left that he is unhappy with life in general and NOTHING makes him happy. Not even me. This made my heart turn into dust. I have tried so hard to make him happy and when he told me that I couldn't even breathe. I sat in the park by our neighborhood and just cried and cried. He said he loves me, but that he thinks one day (doesn't know when) that he wants to be on his own to figure out how he can become happy..

 

My friends came and my best friend brought her brother who has always been like family to me. Um, well.. we kissed and I felt wonderful things in my stomach.. just thinking about him all day today is making me feel on a high, yet WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!

 

..I feel like my boyfriend is someone I now have turned to love so much, but I cannot be with him in a romantic relationship. I realized this today and he comes back Saturday. My friends asked, "Well.. are you going to tell him???" and I told them.. "well.. no. well, i don't know.. i am going to have to eventually..." and listening to myself is making me want to just die. What am I doing?

 

Someone help me.. any feedback is good.

 

P.S. I also feel like I have fallen for him. ..........and I kind of want to. help me not be the girl/guy I have always hated.

[blind_otter]

Sounds to me like you're no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with your current BF? So you need to break up with him?

 

Am I missing something?

[Jadore]

Yes, you are right... I just feel so awful to have kissed my friends brother while still in a relationship to my boyfriend. Falling in love and feeling guilty about it? This is no good.

[Guest]

You obviously need to break up with your boyfriend. But don't you think it's a little premature to be "in love" with the new guy. Is this the reason your old relationship didn't work out... becuase you jump in too quickly. Sounds like you need to spend some time on your own and figure out how to be single again.

[blind_otter]

Yes, you are right... I just feel so awful to have kissed my friends brother while still in a relationship to my boyfriend. Falling in love and feeling guilty about it? This is no good.

 

I dunno, I think that a lot of people disengage from a relationship, emotionally, before they actually make the formal move. And I think that kissing someone, isn't that big of a deal. I wouldn't beat myself up about this too much. You know what you have to do, so just do it. As they say.

[Jadore]

You obviously need to break up with your boyfriend. But don't you think it's a little premature to be "in love" with the new guy. Is this the reason your old relationship didn't work out... becuase you jump in too quickly. Sounds like you need to spend some time on your own and figure out how to be single again.

 

I entirely disagree. I blew my current boyfriend off for a long time. The guy I kissed was someone I have had a "crush" on since I was in middle school. That's a long time. Thanks for the feedback

[mental_traveller]

I agree with Blind Otter. No one is a saint and often through inertia people stay in a relationship long past the sell by date. In this case your boyfriend has even told you that he's not really committed to it, and thinks it's better to eventually break up. It'll be much easier to just come clean and admit the relationship is over. So meet him asap, tell him and stay away from debating the whys and wherefores. Then you can start afresh, whether with this new guy or someone else. The *worst* thing you can do is pretend this didn't happen, or continue with your old guy while feeling this way for someone else. That road will just lead to trouble.

[Jadore]

I just wanted to thank Blind_otter and Mental_traveller for the great advice. What both of you said just made me feel incredibly empowered to not be down on myself.

I tried to imagine what it would be like if I stayed with my boyfriend and now that I have felt and experienced something that has woken me up, I just can't. I can't allow myself to be wasting my time being unhappy. It's not about wasting time with my current boyfriend, it's just literally wasting time to be unhappy and he is so depressed I can't be dragged down with him. I'm an individual, too! I am not a psychologist or a mother, so why would I feel the need to stay with my current boyfriend out of sympathy?

 

/Sigh.. this website is just a great place. I'm very happy I made an account.

[hyakku]

I just wanted to thank Blind_otter and Mental_traveller for the great advice. What both of you said just made me feel incredibly empowered to not be down on myself.

I tried to imagine what it would be like if I stayed with my boyfriend and now that I have felt and experienced something that has woken me up, I just can't. I can't allow myself to be wasting my time being unhappy. It's not about wasting time with my current boyfriend, it's just literally wasting time to be unhappy and he is so depressed I can't be dragged down with him. I'm an individual, too! I am not a psychologist or a mother, so why would I feel the need to stay with my current boyfriend out of sympathy?

 

/Sigh.. this website is just a great place. I'm very happy I made an account.

 

Finally someone who gets it.

 

So many times people put themselves through so much torture to try to "fix" a relationship. If you guys communicate well and know what each other want and you both provide what the other wants, you won't have to "fix" anything in the first place.

 

Once a relationship becomes stressful, or you're "working" instead of "enjoying" its time to leave. He told you where he stands, you realize that you don't really feel for him anymore. There's nothing wrong with it. People put it like there's rules for relationships and love. Like "after a set amount of time, its wrong to feel attracted to anyone else". No its HUMAN to feel attracted to other people. Whether it is for physical, emotional, etc, what really matters is the actions that you DO not what you feel, its how you ACT on what you feel.

 

Drop the BF you aren't enjoying, and move into a relationship where you can have fun. Don't feel guilty, its in the past, like Rafiki from the lion king, "It doesn't matter now, its in the past. You can either run from it, or learn from it" Or whatever the hell that monkey says.