I screwed up...

[Boomerang]

I recently visited this board about the guy I was dating. I liked him more than anyone else I've ever met and blame myself for losing him. The first month he was very affectionate (though he was reluctant to hold hands or kiss near the place where he hangs out). We'd been in bed 5-6 times and 5 out of 6 times he was withholding his orgasm (he's capable of it though), despite my attempts to please him with any method, not just intercourse. I told him I felt frustrated with that. He lied that he was not holding back, then he almost admitted it. At that point I posed the question again and he became sarcastic ("look at you, you are boiling inside!"). That was a month ago. Since then I saw him once more, he cooked for me, we were fine. He's stopped calling me. When I call him we talk for hours. He says he'll call, he doesn't.

 

I like expressing my feelings and I always do that in a nice way. But my american girlfriends told me that I shouldn't have opened my mouth to 'complain', because "who wants to listen to complains when they've only known you for a month". I'm told that no matter what's going on inside you should keep the cool exterior otherwise you come across as needy and weak. I know, I've written this one off. But for future reference, please your opinion, should I keep my mouth shut when I'm upset, I don't want to screw up again when I meet a fantastic person next time.

[midori]

I don't know that you screwed up necessarily. It sounds like the guy you were dating was playing games with you. Why do you think he was holding back? That sounds a little strange to me. Are you sure that you were the only person he was involved with at the time? I ask because it seems very strange to me that he'd hold back at the last minute when you were ready and eager to please. Of course not being a guy myself, my perspective on that is only guesswork (but based on experience).

But my american girlfriends told me that I shouldn't have opened my mouth to 'complain', because "who wants to listen to complains when they've only known you for a month".

Depends on what you were complaining about, and the manner in which the complaints were delivered.

 

I'm told that no matter what's going

on inside you should keep the cool exterior otherwise you come across as needy and weak.

Well yeah, you don't want to fly off the handle at every little thing. But keeping everything inside isn't going to do you any good, and it's deceptive. From the sound of it you were just expressing concern about whether or not he was all right with what was (or rather wasn't) going on in bed between the two of you -- right? You weren't beating him up about his performance, were you? I don't see how that's coming across as needy and weak. I don't see how that could be construed as anything but concern and a wish to do what he needed in order to get off.

I know, I've written this one off. But for future reference, please your opinion, should I keep my mouth shut when I'm upset, I don't want to screw up again when I meet a fantastic person next time.

No, you shouldn't keep your mouth shut. You should be considerate of your companions, not burden them with little nit-picking hang-ups or endless complaints, obviously. But I don't see what's wrong with showing concern or speaking up if you feel that something isn't right. But I think you're right to write this one off. As much as you like him, etc., this guy sounds like he's playing games with you. Hot and cold, says he'll call but doesn't, and withholds in bed? Doesn't sound very promising -- but I'd say the problems lie with him. Find someone better!

[Boomerang]

thank you, midori for your input!

 

No, I don’t know whether there was someone in his life right then. In my mind I combined three things: this guy doesn’t want his roommate to know I spent the night at his place, he never kisses me outside his hangout, he never goes all the way with me in bed. I thought he’s either seeing someone else or that he’s just looking for a fling, or that he’s not confortable going all the way with someone until later on in the relationship.

 

What I told him after sex was that I was a little frustrated that he didn't come because I wanted to please him. He said "but of course I did". He lied he had an orgasm! He called me a nutcase in a funny way, so I left it at that. Next day I checked the condom and he had lied.On our way to the café he hangs out I asked him with a little shy smile, you didn't come last night, right. He wasn’t upset initially, he said it was a surprising question and asked me why would he do a thing like that, and how I can tell. When I told him (I didn’t say I checked the condom, of course!) he said "I don’t know why (I did that)". And nothing else. I asked again, so you didn’t come. He said I told you. Then he said to me "You’re just looking for things to be unhappy about. Look at you, you’re boiling inside!" I admit his reaction and the lying did upset me, and also the fact that he stopped holding my hand just as we reached the café! And I said, without any anger but hurt, "you won’t even hold my hand". I never referred to the whole thing again, we just sat and he read the paper aloud for me, he kissed my hand and said he’ll call me later in the week. He didn’t. He’s been acting like a jerk since.

[Kiz]

He sounds like a control freak.

 

He also sounds like he maybe seeing other people (male and female, possibly) and doesn't want to have an orgasm for fear of getting you pregnant, giving you an STD (even with the condom...

 

Would drop this one and keep dating others.

 

Too much drama seems to be invovled.