amsterdamgirl Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Hey everyone, I am a 25 year old student from New York, and have been going out with my boyfriend (28) for nearly 6 months. He is a great guy, I love him, he's fun, affectionate, caring and very sexy! BUT.... There's this girl, called Susan. My boyfriend and this girl have been friends for about a year, and according to both of them nothing ever happened. He goes clubbing with her (just him and her) once a month, or more. He goes to the movies with her. He had her over to dinner at his parents house. He will bring her to birthday parties (and bring me as wel) If he has a guy's night out, she'll end up being there. Its getting on my nerves... And now, he has just told me he wants her to stay over at house after they go clubbing because its easier (she lives about 15 minutes away) All these things have been going on while I'm his girlfriend, I must add. I dont like all of this.... but he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. Am I overreacting? How do I get it accross to him that I feel bad about what's going on? Any input would be great.. Thanks, Emily Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Do you want him to end his friendship with her? You have been with the two of them so he is not hiding anything from you. It's a tricky situation (coming in on someone who has a good friend that they like to spend time with besides yourself). I wouldn't do anything rash ( like give him the me or her talk ) and see how things progress. Do you think you could become friends with her? Link to post Share on other sites
juliainoz Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 My boyfriend's best friend is a girl - they have been best friends for 2 years, and they clicked in friendship states but not as a relationship. The thing to deal wtih this situation is to get on her side In the last 3 months ive gotten quite close to his best friend, and usually she and i talk every couple of days, and she has got her own new interest. The thing is to have trust - if u dont have trust, what do u have? My boyfriend told me he would prolly go to the movies to catch up with his best friend sometime - and i said thats mighty fine by me - as i trust them if you know what i mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amsterdamgirl Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Both of you thank you for your reply's! I DO trust him, but it seems as if she's everywhere. I get along with her fine, but I dont want to, everytime I go somewhere with my boyfriend (like a party at one of his friends's places) to have to see her come tag along with us. I would never tell him: her or me. I am fine with him having female friends, I just feel as if some things are not appropriate.... Maybe it's just me then Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I don't know. I would be open minded until he said she was spending the night with him. A boy/girl sleepover? That sounds like a preface for, oops, we got drunk and fell down and accidentally slept together four or five times last night. You know him and the situation better than me, because I'm just some stranger on the internet, but based on what you posted, he's not your boyfriend. Well, maybe he's your boyfriend, but he's dating someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I think you should tell him he's lucky to have such a good friend (in her) but there are times when the two of you should be alone, spending time out and about without wondering if she is just going to show up suddenly. I also think it's quite inappropriate of him to be bringing her to parties and inviting her over to his folks house for dinner...That is where YOU should be, not her. That's YOUR status as the girlfriend. Mention that to him, and see what he says. If it bugs him enough and he reacts, then you have an answer in a sense that their friendship is deep and has 'potiential' to lead to something else in the future... Hopefully her thoughts about him are platonic too. I mean, HOW is she with him? Flirty and touching him? Cuddley? If so, THAT is wrong because YOU are his girlfriend. How would he like it if you spent time like that hanging with a good guy friend. Bringing him home to hang with your folks, or bringing him to parties and then he'd just "show up" when you two were out for a night? I bet it would piss him off. Link to post Share on other sites
ventinginblue Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 You don't need to go to extremes here, as they said with the -her or me- ultimatum, but there are boundaries he shouldn't cross. And one of those is a sleepover. Hanging out all the time is one thing, but unless she's a lesbian (which I doubt, otherwise I'm sure you would know already), sleepovers are unappropriate. Just tell him that you feel uncomfortable with her spending the night. Hopefully, if he's one of the bright guys, he'll understand and won't make a big deal out of it. If he starts getting defensive and snappy, you may want to look into things a bit further. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Yeah dude, who the f*** is like, yeah, let me bring this person of the opposite sex to sleep over at my girlfriend's house? Whatever, guys have female friends. I don't agree with it but who am I to judge. But there are lines you do not cross, and he just crossed one. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 Hey everyone, I am a 25 year old student from New York, and have been going out with my boyfriend (28) for nearly 6 months. He is a great guy, I love him, he's fun, affectionate, caring and very sexy! BUT.... There's this girl, called Susan. My boyfriend and this girl have been friends for about a year, and according to both of them nothing ever happened. He goes clubbing with her (just him and her) once a month, or more. He goes to the movies with her. He had her over to dinner at his parents house. He will bring her to birthday parties (and bring me as wel) If he has a guy's night out, she'll end up being there. Its getting on my nerves... And now, he has just told me he wants her to stay over at house after they go clubbing because its easier (she lives about 15 minutes away) All these things have been going on while I'm his girlfriend, I must add. I dont like all of this.... but he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. Am I overreacting? How do I get it accross to him that I feel bad about what's going on? Any input would be great.. Thanks, Emily I think he should only go out with you.watch out for her shes dangerous!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
milvushina Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Let me tell you what helped me in your situation. I was 25 when I began to date my husband too. He had a flirty female friend that he spent a lot of time with for a couple years before I came along. They did have intimate moments but that ended about a year before he and I met. After we were exclusive she continued to call him and text him several times every day, at work & on his cell, and drop by his apartment. She was clever enough to be nice to me and even try to hang out with me alone (I saw right thru it, but I was nice to her; we had nothing in common & I never went out anywhere with her tho). We moved in together quickly, and one weekend when I went out of town I came home to find a blanket and pillow on the couch (someone had obviously been sleeping there). She was drunk, he said, and came over so he let her sleep there. He sounded a little nervous, but I could tell it was just nervousness about how I would react. I didn't get angry, but I didn't like it, and I didn't like her always hanging around. The key was to be patient. I bided my time and focused on my relationship with my then boyfriend. After we had been together for several months it became more habitual for us to spend more and more free time together. She naturally began to find other friends and back off. It took several months. Now she comes over about 3 times a month and will call once or twice a week. It took about 9 or 10 months to get to that point. I don't dislike her, but she's not my favorite person. She and my husband have grown apart, too. It's natural. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Get that woman a boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Kittiecat Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 I'm sorry, this is total baloney. Call me old fashioned, but I really see no need for men and women to be THAT TIGHT in "friendship." If they're going to be that tight, then they just DATE each other for cryin' out loud! A few years ago I broke up with a guy over a similar situation - it was awful knowing there was this "other woman" that he would confide in, etc., but I'm not sorry I ended it! Anyway...please excuse the outburst... Amsterdamgirl, if you feel bad about what's going on, talk to him about it. If he loves you, he should be willing to make compromises. Only you know for sure how much of this friendship you're willing to deal with. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Yup! Totally out of it this is... There is some good advice above. As a guy I would say that this behaviour is way off the mark. You are being given a bucketful of insecurities and doubts here. Your choice how you deal with it, take some the advice above, but I would be keeping a close eye on this situation. Real close. I broke up over a reverse situation, male friend of my gf, patience didn't cut it there. My patience was taken as a sign that I would take anything.....wrong baby. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
gemmab2020 Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Yep... you are going to have to watch!! Just be careful and try not to let that girl get too close. I have a male 'best-friend' too, and it can get messy. You can't ask him to ditch her, but try to bide your time and things will fizzle a bit. He shouldn't be inviting her out to parties etc. with you though. Get him to stop!! Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 OMG!!!! this sounds sooooo familiar to me. My bf has two female friends who he refers to as his "sisters" they sleep over and go on camping trips together, go to gigs together, parties etc - and he never took me anywhere, i used to work alot but still, i was never invited or made to feel welcome, least of all by these two girls. I agree with Catgirl - it felt like he was dating them, not me. We split up for a while over that amongst other things. But we're back together now and i am taking Milvushina's approach - biding my time until they sod off and get lives of their own. What disturbed me and what you might want to watch out for, is my bf's cultivating another friendship like thiseven though we were back together - he invited this girl to stay at his to go to a gig i wanted us to attend together. I made it categorically clear that i drew the line at this: that if i went out and cultivated that kind of intimacy he'd be appalled and rightly so. Thankfully he saw how inappropriate it was and has cooled it off - as far as i know. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
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