CaliGuy or anyone else... (No Contact)

[Darin]

How do you establish no contact when you feel in your heart that it will end everything you are?

 

My girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago, we still see eachother often, even though she's dating. When we see eachother we hold hands, hug, laugh, cry together.. she tells me how she doesn't know if she's made good decisions and she tells me i am still in her heart and she bursts into tears when I even mention or consider the fact that we may not stay in touch, telling me she would do anything to make sure I stayed in her life. But she also says she needs time and space alone because she wants to figure out what makes her happy -- stating that she broke up with me cuz she was no longer happy.

 

I moved to Atlanta to live with her (I lived in STL), and in 2 weeks I am moving back home, because she was the only reason I was here, and my family and friends are all at home. I have lived here for the last 4 months alone with exception to the time we've spent together. I know this is a good first step in possibly fixing our relationship because it gives her the space she needs and allows me a better support group to get back on my feet -- but still I cannot imagine going into no contact...

 

I read your guide, Caliguy, and I am afraid for the fact that you could very well be right, that she sees me now in the state I am (I am depressed, I will honestly admit to it) and is turned off by it. She says that sometimes she doesn't like spending time with me because it makes her feel guilty/sad, etc. yet, like I said before, she definitely does not want to see me out of her life.

 

To give you more of an idea of why this is hard for me, we lived in an apt together and she moved back home when we split, but left all her stuff here. ONly recently, knowing that I'm moving soon, has she started taking it home. When I asked her why she left it here she admitted that she still felt that she was making a mistake etc...

 

Now, however, I know she's dating someone and she seems to be happy with him. Of course that kills me. I have asked her how she would feel if I dated someone and she admits that she would be devestated.

 

Anyway... There are many times where I feel to myself that keeping in touch with her and trying to establish a friendship with her so that at the very least she and I are still in eachothers lives would be better than losing her entirely, but I must face the fact that I still am deeply in love with her.

 

And I'll be perfectly honest, this moving back home is devestating to me. If hope is a string that I'm hanging on to, moving that far away seems like cutting the threads.

 

Please help.

[alphamale]

And I'll be perfectly honest, this moving back home is devestating to me. If hope is a string that I'm hanging on to, moving that far away seems like cutting the threads.

 

Please help.

1. Move back home to STL

2. Forget about this woman

3. Move on with your life

4. Find a more appropriate woman

5. Be happy

[Art_Critic]

I'm with Alpha on this one.

 

Moving back to STL is the easiest form of NC.

 

Rememeber that she is with someone else now and has moved on.. you should try to do the same and STL is the perfect chance to start over with someone new

[blind_otter]

1. Move back home to STL

2. Forget about this woman

3. Move on with your life

4. Find a more appropriate woman

5. Be happy

 

Yep. I agree with ALPHA.

 

The very idea that another individual can "end who you are" is kind of preposterous. Flawed logic from depressive negative thinking. A change of scenery will do a world of good for you.

[ATrain]

Hi Darin. I feel your pain. I'm right there with you. I think NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. Especially since she has moved on. Do you think she is sitting there thinking of you when she is with you her new Boyfriend? I certainly don't. Accept that it's over and begin healing. Good luck.

[CaliGuy]

How do you establish no contact when you feel in your heart that it will end everything you are?

 

If you are defined by her or the relationship you have some serious confidence issues that need to be resolved. Absolutely no one but you and you alone are responsible for defining who you are and making yourself happy.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago, we still see eachother often, even though she's dating. When we see eachother we hold hands, hug, laugh, cry together.. she tells me how she doesn't know if she's made good decisions and she tells me i am still in her heart and she bursts into tears when I even mention or consider the fact that we may not stay in touch, telling me she would do anything to make sure I stayed in her life. But she also says she needs time and space alone because she wants to figure out what makes her happy -- stating that she broke up with me cuz she was no longer happy.

 

You can not do this. You are feeding her emotional needs (hanging out, holding hands, being her 'good buddy') while your emotional needs are not being met. This is what's called emotional suicide!

 

You will not heal, move on or otherwise get healthy while you are clinging to her and not getting your needs met. She's holding you out on a string and will never come back to you if you do not disappear from her life. How can she possibly know what she is missing if you're always there?

 

Answer: She doesn't. You won't let her.

 

I moved to Atlanta to live with her (I lived in STL), and in 2 weeks I am moving back home, because she was the only reason I was here, and my family and friends are all at home. I have lived here for the last 4 months alone with exception to the time we've spent together. I know this is a good first step in possibly fixing our relationship because it gives her the space she needs and allows me a better support group to get back on my feet -- but still I cannot imagine going into no contact...

 

How much is your confidence and self-esteem worth to you? How much is your happiness worth?

 

Look at it this way, you can be happy back home without her or miserable there with her. What's it going to be?

 

Going NC is the fastest way to heal. Stop concerning yourself with whether you are going to get back together or not and put the focus on yourself, your needs and your desire to be happy and fulfilled. Define your purpose in life, write out your goals (none of these things should include her), reaquaint yourself with old friends, start going to the gym, indulge in new hobbies, focus on career goals.

 

No one should define you but yourself.

 

I read your guide, Caliguy, and I am afraid for the fact that you could very well be right, that she sees me now in the state I am (I am depressed, I will honestly admit to it) and is turned off by it. She says that sometimes she doesn't like spending time with me because it makes her feel guilty/sad, etc. yet, like I said before, she definitely does not want to see me out of her life.

 

Because she's selfish. She wants you around to meet her emotional needs at the expense of yours. That's no way to live your life.

 

To give you more of an idea of why this is hard for me, we lived in an apt together and she moved back home when we split, but left all her stuff here. ONly recently, knowing that I'm moving soon, has she started taking it home. When I asked her why she left it here she admitted that she still felt that she was making a mistake etc...

 

No, she is sure that she hasn't and never will until you disappear from her life.

 

Now, however, I know she's dating someone and she seems to be happy with him. Of course that kills me. I have asked her how she would feel if I dated someone and she admits that she would be devestated.

 

Again, more selfishness from her. She is happy dating someone else but wants you around "when she needs you." Don't you see how screwed up that is? She's a b*tch and doesn't deserve your time.

 

Anyway... There are many times where I feel to myself that keeping in touch with her and trying to establish a friendship with her so that at the very least she and I are still in eachothers lives would be better than losing her entirely, but I must face the fact that I still am deeply in love with her.

 

You are needy and dependent on her for your happiness. Not only does that kill the attraction with her, it will ruin any chance for you to be happy with someone else.

 

STOP DEPENDING ON HER TO MEET YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND LEARN TO MEET THEM ON YOUR OWN.

 

And I'll be perfectly honest, this moving back home is devestating to me. If hope is a string that I'm hanging on to, moving that far away seems like cutting the threads.

 

Please help.

 

In my opinion cutting the ties that bind you to her is the only way you can truly heal, work on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem and firmly establishing your purpose and goals in life (that are self-centered and do not include others).

 

You have some characteristics of a co-dependent. Honestly I think you should move back home, get yourself established and start seeing a Counselor who can help guide you towards being an independent, integrated man.

 

I know you are sad and hope this message doesn't sting too hard but from your own words this is what I am hearing from you.

[Darin]

Let me admit fully that I was well aware of the response I was going to get, so no I don't take it harshly, I see a lot of truth in it.

 

Co-dependant? I dunno, possibly. The thing is, when you for 4 years think your life with someone is building, growing, and will move into other things (marriage, family, retirement, death) and then all of the sudden that is ripped from you.... Anyway, I have told her before that I don't fear being alone right now, what I fear is not being with her.

 

I know, logically, that everything you guys say is true. The problem for me is that right now and for the past few months I have been dealing with things with emotions instead of intellect.

 

Let me also explain that I have been dependant on her over the last few months. Our lease was up this month, and I lost my job in october of last year. I found a new job in january after she and I broke up but it was honestly a job to hold me over until i moved -- yes I was already looking at the end of the lease by january planning on going back home. She provided some financial support through the last 4 months due in part to my job not fully paying the bills and also due to the fact that for the last 2 years i have paid 100% of the household bills -- everything except groceries, her car, and her insurance.

 

My car is also dead, and given I haven't had the money to invest another 1000$ into a new car I have been pretty much stranded.

 

Yes, when it rains it pours.

 

Now my family had offered to help me break my contract (would've basically cost $2000), and move home in january. I wasn't emotional ready for leaving here at that point, even though it may have been the best thing to do.

 

Anyway, I am moving soon. You guys are probably right about a lot of things...though I am still scared of completely going NC because I feel like that would seem to her as me having given up. I know her well enough to know that if she changed her mind, if she felt I had given up she would never call. She's just that type of person.

 

I dunno. This is very painful, troubling, and hard part of my life. I have never been through this before and pray God that I would never have to do it again.

 

Thanks for the advice, and please don't spare my feelings as it's good to get slapped into reality sometimes.

[Darin]

BTW, i have been told that I am a typical "cancer" (astrology -- not that I believe in it but it is pretty shocking how accurate it is to me). Cancers being:

 

Emotional and loving

Intuitive and imaginative

Shrewd and cautious

Protective and sympathetic

Changeable and moody

Overemotional and touchy

Clinging and unable to let go

 

(leeched from some weirdo astology page)

 

Anyway, i seem to get most of my confidence from doing things for others. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to learn in attempting to put myself first.

[CaliGuy]

You said this:

 

Co-dependant? I dunno, possibly........

 

Then said this:

 

Anyway, I have told her before that I don't fear being alone right now, what I fear is not being with her.

 

That's a co-dependent answer.

 

I know, logically, that everything you guys say is true. The problem for me is that right now and for the past few months I have been dealing with things with emotions instead of intellect.

 

We all have a battle raging between our minds and our hearts. We should listen to logic in cases like this and it's good you came here for advice. The question is whether you are going to accept the advice and do something about it.

 

Let me also explain that I have been dependant on her over the last few months. Our lease was up this month, and I lost my job in october of last year. I found a new job in january after she and I broke up but it was honestly a job to hold me over until i moved -- yes I was already looking at the end of the lease by january planning on going back home. She provided some financial support through the last 4 months due in part to my job not fully paying the bills and also due to the fact that for the last 2 years i have paid 100% of the household bills -- everything except groceries, her car, and her insurance.

 

Let me ask you something and be honest. Did you expect something from her in return (emotionally, financially or otherwise) in return for doing this?

 

My car is also dead, and given I haven't had the money to invest another 1000$ into a new car I have been pretty much stranded.

 

You have two ways of looking at this.

 

Your life is doomed OR

It's just another challenge you are willing to meet head on.

 

Life is about welcoming challenges as a test of your mettle (sp?). Yeah, sometimes it sucks but if you relish the challenges life gives you, you will see a noted boost in your confidence.

 

Now my family had offered to help me break my contract (would've basically cost $2000), and move home in january. I wasn't emotional ready for leaving here at that point, even though it may have been the best thing to do.

 

Sucks when your heart makes decisions that are better left for your mind, doesn't it?

 

Anyway, I am moving soon. You guys are probably right about a lot of things...though I am still scared of completely going NC because I feel like that would seem to her as me having given up.

 

She's already given up. She's boning some other guy.

 

I know her well enough to know that if she changed her mind, if she felt I had given up she would never call. She's just that type of person.

 

Then have confidence in yourself. Move on. Forget about her. Heal up and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Then if she does decide to come back it will be on your terms IF and only IF you decide you are willing to take her back.

 

I dunno. This is very painful, troubling, and hard part of my life. I have never been through this before and pray God that I would never have to do it again.

 

Most of us have been through something like this and we've learned a hard lesson. Lessons we are passing along to you that work. The choice you have to make here is if you are going to continue to let your heart make choices for you or let logic take over.

 

Thanks for the advice, and please don't spare my feelings as it's good to get slapped into reality sometimes.

 

I would suggest a few books on confidence and boundaries.

[CaliGuy]

BTW, i have been told that I am a typical "cancer" (astrology -- not that I believe in it but it is pretty shocking how accurate it is to me). Cancers being:

 

Emotional and loving

Intuitive and imaginative

Shrewd and cautious

Protective and sympathetic

Changeable and moody

Overemotional and touchy

Clinging and unable to let go

 

(leeched from some weirdo astology page)

 

Anyway, i seem to get most of my confidence from doing things for others. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to learn in attempting to put myself first.

 

The rule of giving is simple. If you give out of love and do not expect anything in return, that's good.

 

If you give with some expectation of receiving back, that's bad.

[alphamale]

The rule of giving is simple. If you give out of love and do not expect anything in return, that's good.

this is the way things work in theory

 

If you give with some expectation of receiving back, that's bad.

this is the way things work in real life.

[alphamale]

Anyway, i seem to get most of my confidence from doing things for others. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to learn in attempting to put myself first.

DARIN, you needs to read my guide to keeping women around. Please see link below:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/

[Pyro]

The rule of giving is simple. If you give out of love and do not expect anything in return, that's good.

 

If you give with some expectation of receiving back, that's bad.

 

I like this. Now if you can only convince the vast population of greedy selfish people out there to use this, then the world would be a little bit of a better place to live.

[CaliGuy]

this is the way things work in theory

 

It's the healthy way of giving.

 

this is the way things work in real life.

 

This is the unhealthy way of giving which causes resentment.

 

A truly happy, confident person gives with no expectations.

 

An insecure, needy, clingy, self-serving person gives with an expectation of receiving.

[alphamale]

Now if you can only convince the vast population of greedy selfish people out there to use this, then the world would be a little bit of a better place to live.

dude...you're living in the center of the greedy-selfish universe....the good old U.S of A.

[Pyro]

BTW, i have been told that I am a typical "cancer" (astrology -- not that I believe in it but it is pretty shocking how accurate it is to me). Cancers being:

 

Emotional and loving

Intuitive and imaginative

Shrewd and cautious

Protective and sympathetic

Changeable and moody

Overemotional and touchy

Clinging and unable to let go

 

(leeched from some weirdo astology page)

 

Anyway, i seem to get most of my confidence from doing things for others. So I guess you can say that I have a lot to learn in attempting to put myself first.

 

I am a cancer too. Thats funny how some of the points do describe me. I spent many years on making myself a better person and not having to rely on a relationship at all times.

 

You must make yourself happy before you can make others happy. Just don't put yourself first at all times. It will only turn you greedy and selfish.

[alphamale]

A truly happy, confident person gives with no expectations.

untrue CG.....a truley happy and confident person lives in the real world with real expectations and not in some made-up fantasy land.

[Pyro]

dude...you're living in the center of the greedy-selfish universe....the good old U.S of A.

 

It doesn't mean that its impossible for someone to not be greedy/selfish. People can change for the better if they want and if they try. There are many unselfish people out in the world. They especially love to wear green.

[Pyro]

untrue CG.....a truley happy and confident person lives in the real world with real expectations and not in some made-up fantasy land.

 

Those type live in the real world as well.

[CaliGuy]

untrue CG.....a truley happy and confident person lives in the real world with real expectations and not in some made-up fantasy land.

 

So now you know why there is so much disappointment and resentment in the world

[openskies]

A lot of your suggestions CG seem very Taoist... just wondering if that is an influence. It is for me, and I have to agree.

 

Expectations = unhappy

 

When your actions are not tied to a particular outcome, you can't fail or succeed... and you can accept what is.

 

So Darin, if you move, start NC, improve yourself, etc... without expecting her to come back, then whether she comes back or not won't matter. Whatever happens will feel right, and you will accept it for what it is and be happy with it.

 

OS

[Vertex]

Caliguy is logic incarnate

[alphamale]

Caliguy is logic incarnate

no, he's just incarnate

[CaliGuy]

A lot of your suggestions CG seem very Taoist... just wondering if that is an influence. It is for me, and I have to agree.

 

Expectations = unhappy

 

When your actions are not tied to a particular outcome, you can't fail or succeed... and you can accept what is.

 

So Darin, if you move, start NC, improve yourself, etc... without expecting her to come back, then whether she comes back or not won't matter. Whatever happens will feel right, and you will accept it for what it is and be happy with it.

 

OS

 

Nope. Based entirely on human psychology.

 

The fact of the matter is happiness is what you make of it. If you take responsibility for your own happiness it's impossible for someone else to disappoint you.

 

When you tie your happiness to others or giving, it's quite easy to become disenchanted with them.

 

This is why I've said time and time again that making your own needs #1 is imperative towards having a happy relationship with others. If you can't make yourself happy, no one else is going to do it for you. If you're constantly unhappy you will repel others from you.

[CaliGuy]

no, he's just incarnate

 

*bow* :D