CaliGuy or anyone else... (No Contact)

[Darin]

How do you love someone then if you don't give into them, CG? Love is about trust and when you trust someone completely and give into them they become part of you and your happiness. When they take it away, of course you're going to feel loss and some dependancy. That, too, is part of human psychology (imo).

[CaliGuy]

How do you love someone then if you don't give into them, CG? Love is about trust and when you trust someone completely and give into them they become part of you and your happiness. When they take it away, of course you're going to feel loss and some dependancy. That, too, is part of human psychology (imo).

 

You love them by complimenting each other, not "depending" on them for your emotional needs and stability.

[J dub]

Darin, my friend...read your posts and ask yourself...if this were someone else's words, what would I suggest?

 

I'll put it in the most plain terms so as to avoid confusion: She has already moved on from you, so what in the heck are you doing waiting around for her? Life is far too short to wait on the sidelines. If she loved you the way you deserve to be loved, she'd be with you as I type this. Regardless of how much you feel you love this woman, you need to let her go. I wont even bother with the cliche saying about letting someone you love go, because you know in your heart of hearts what needs to be done here. Youre just scared of the uncertain...but uncertainty of the future is simply possibility in another light.

 

I know youre hurting and you just want her back. But you've gone this long with her still giving you the "I need time" BS, what makes you think it's going to work EVER? Let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Oh and ps...Caliguy knows what he is saying and for your own benefit, please re-read everything he has written to you.

[Darin]

You know, while I completely agree with you, being on this side of the fence and looking back at you guys -- I cannot put into words in this forum the way I feel for her, the things that have happened between us, the feelings she continues to express for me, etc, etc.

 

You guys only see such a small portion of the story -- and while I'm not denying that you may (and probably are) right with your assessments, I think i also realize that noone can truly understand my circumstances better than I.

 

Anyhow, I would like to say that the last few days have been especially hard on me and just making this post and interacting with you guys has made me have a much better day today than the few previous. I thank you for giving me that, and for the advice. Now, as CG said, the question is if/when I can act on it.

 

What would you say to this: I feel if I go NC that shows I have given up (as I said before), and I feel that if I give up then I feel that I am betraying the way I have felt for her for years, and betraying myself and my own feelings?

 

Anyway, as you can see i'm horribly lost and emotionally wrecked. There is only 1 certainty in my life, I am moving in approximately 2 weeks. That will change so much, but to me it still seems like it will only change for the worse. I guess that's the co-dependancy in me speaking out.

[Yamaha]

Your problem is your still holding on to hope. She has let her hope for your future together go and is with another guy. She can't love you as you want and behave this way. By holding on to you she is lessening her guilt but she really isn't doing you justice. If she truly cared for you she would tell you to move back to STL and find someone else.

 

Emotions are not logical so you have to go with logic now so your emotional side can catch up. Move back and work on yourself and don't let another person control your life so completely in the future. A women should compliment your life not be your life.

[dr strangelove]

A few comments

 

1) Your leaving out some details from the original first post of this thread. Something occured between the two of you, for her to part ways but still hang around.

Like .. something about you or the dynamic of the relationship changed.

 

Care to share?

 

2) Its easy for everyone to wax philosphopy(sp). Your the only one who makes the final decision.

 

I kind of have my own theories on the whole change in the dynamic of your relationship.

 

You should fill in the missing puzzle pieces

[Darin]

I guess I don't know what you're looking for honestly.

 

She is fearful of everything, she is having side pains and is afraid it's cancer, she has told me that she dates out of fear of being alone, she lets fear control her worklife too. And believe me over the last 4 years she has changed much, is much more confident, and says that has everything to do with the way I have loved her etc.

 

However, she tells me she was unhappy in the relationship. She claimed initially that she overcame a fear of leaving me and did it because she felt it was best for her to try and find what makes her happy.

 

My reply to that was that she didn't overcome her fears by leaving me, she gave into a larger fear -- that of which she wouldn't find happiness, because sometimes when relationships stale it is more difficult to hold on, fight through, and make things right than to let go.

 

I have asked her if we were married if she thought we would have been able to and been successful in fighting through this and she says yes.

 

All in all, I guess one of the reasons I have held on is that I understand what she was going through in making the decision she did. We were not spending enough time together, we were not spending enough time being intimate.

 

Here's a bit more background so that you guys can all drill me on how bad our relationship was.

 

We met online, while playing the MMORPG Everquest.

 

We still enjoy gaming, and that was in my honest opinion the worst decision or issue that may have been a turning point.

 

We had no real life friends to hang out with, we spent all of our time together, etc. Her friends here (being in Atlanta where she has grown up) have mostly moved away or have become less-than-friends. Ie, she's grown out of having them as friends. She is management in a theatre where most of the employes are 6-7 years younger than her, and the other managers are 10-15 years older than her.

 

I had friends from work, when I was at my previous job, but we rarely ever hung out with them. Their idea of fun was hanging out in a bar and drinking, and she is not a fan of alcohol. I don't really drink either.

 

So that being said, in my humble opinion two people can't sustain eachother solely. If you don't have other friends to talk to and share problems with and to have fun with and to break up the monotony of a relationship you can't really succeed.

 

Well, we did have friendships, in the newer game we have been playing (yes... the dreaded world of warcraft -- too addicting).

 

But the way I see it, both of us spent more time working on our characters in the game and being focused on that and spent less time focused on eachother, it was a huge downward spiral.

 

I will admit fault to part of it because in oct, as I said, I lost my job. It was pretty depressing for me, as I had the job for 6 years and was fired for political reasons.. I could have probably argued with them and fought for my job back but I was pretty disgusted for how they went about firing me (I basically took the fall for my boss, and he knew it -- he started crying when he told me he had to fire me.)

 

Anyway -- I have told her these things, I have told her that we were doing so many things wrong and that we could do it better if we work at it -- but I think she's afraid that it wouldn't get better.

 

She's not putting herself in any better situation either, the person she's dating (and not boning, though I appreciate the sentiment CG -- you are just trying to make me angry at her for what she's doing) is someone she met through the same game. The guy I know somewhat little about, but he's totally not her type and she's just into it atm because it's new. She even admits that she's just setting herself up to be hurt.

 

And here I am, trying to save her still.

 

Anyway, yeah, my life is pretty messed up. It's a shame that she didn't move to STL and be near me (though I understand her fears of moving from her family, it has not been easy for me). I have lots of friends, we would've been in a much better situation there.

[mental_traveller]

How do you establish no contact when you feel in your heart that it will end everything you are?

 

By having a life outside relationships. Pursue work and hobbies with more drive & ambition, achieve something beyond the ordinary. Become single, learn to pick up women, have lots of sex. Then you'll choose to have a relationship because it would be good for you to be with this person, not because you're a lonely loser whose life feels empty without a woman.

[CaliGuy]

By having a life outside relationships. Pursue work and hobbies with more drive & ambition, achieve something beyond the ordinary. Become single, learn to pick up women, have lots of sex. Then you'll choose to have a relationship because it would be good for you to be with this person, not because you're a lonely loser whose life feels empty without a woman.

 

Exactly. If he read my "Guide to Second Chances" it explains that you must create a life of your own where your needs are #1 and you are not dependent on someone else to make you happy.

 

I don't agree with the "have lots of sex" route because I think as long as you are still trying to let go of someone else all sex will do with someone else is make you miss your ex even more.

[Vertex]

Having sex might satisfy you in the moment but it will only keep pain in the mind and heart for longer than it should. You have to get at the root of the situation and do what is necessary to move on with your own happiness -- sex will only sweep things under the rug until there's no more room to sweep.

[Darin]

not because you're a lonely loser whose life feels empty without a woman.

 

Said like someone who's never really loved another in his life.

 

That is one thing I will say for sure. You guys are quick to point out the "best" or "most logical" thing to do. Most of what you say, I agree with, on a logical level.

 

What you seemingly forget is the last 4 years of my life spent living, growing, and enjoying with a woman. If being empty without her right now makes me a loser, the by God. I am a loser. And I would never hope to change.

 

I agree with the fact that I could have a bit more self-esteem, though regardless of my self-esteem I hope that, whomever I am in a relationship with next as long and as important as this, I love them just as wholey and would surely be just as devestated if things crashed.

 

One last point: I said originally "How do you establish no contact when you feel in your heart that it will end everything you are?". Notice that I say "feel in your heart" I don't say that it *Will* end everything I am, I don't say that I am exhausted of life and will rot without her, I am not saying i am incapable of being strong and overcoming this. What I am saying is that in my heart, to be without her feels incomplete. And again, if you truly think that I am a "loser" or "wrong" to feel that way, then I pity the fact that you have never truly loved another person in the way that I have and do.

 

None of this means that I shouldn't listen to your advice, build myself up more and move along with my life in a way that makes myself happy -- but it does mean that there is nothing wrong, no matter what you say, in the way in which I am heartbroken.

[dr strangelove]

That is one thing I will say for sure. You guys are quick to point out the "best" or "most logical" thing to do.

 

Actually Darin, I havent pointed out anything that you should do..yet.

 

I am in a similar situation as you in fact. I have an ex that I feel somewhat miserable without. I cant say it is all the time. So I dont think you a loser at all. And let me point this out to Darin, you will be alot happier when care less what others think.

 

The problem is your ex is still around and you probably think to yourself maybe theres a chance I can win her back.

 

hmm I used to say if I woman was still talking to me there was hope, unless of course she has a boyfriend.

Yours doesnt seem to yet, from what you say.

 

I think ultimately you have a few choices

 

1) give it another try. You can always move later..

This doesnt mean begging her to come back. It means focusing on your own

camp. And dealing with your depression, which I think is linked to moving away from your family, and your string of bad luck.

 

2) Move as you planned. As I said your sadness is partly linked to not being close to family. Being in closer proximity to them will probably at least cure part of your sadness, and a relationship with someone in that end of the country probably has much better chance of success.

 

I know is frigging hard man. The minute I broke up with my ex, I lost interest in things. And it kills me because I always thought she was expendable. I always thought I can trade her in for a bombshell model, but its usually the more eccentric and imperfect ones that are harder to replace.

 

Sometimes even trying to keep yourself busy doesnt help with the pain. I broke down into tears the other day before starting on my long work day.

 

Sucks.....

 

But dude you wont be helping her unless you first help yourself.. wow that sounds like frigging anthony robbins or some other self help guru talking.

 

Finding an interest outside of online gaming might help.. uh something interactive that gets you out of the house..

 

MAybe go take a pottery class and drag her with you..

 

or.

 

yoga

[texassmama72]

Yes move far away and do NC this your only chance. If you love something let it go and if it comes back it is yours if not it never was meant to be. You cannot miss something that is not gone...just like if you are chasing something it cant chance to chase you. NC is your only chance!!! And it frickin HURTS!!!!!!!!

[alphamale]

A women should compliment your life not be your life.

well said YAMAHA...once your woman becomes your life then she'll probably move on.

[pippen_2k]

No one is saying that your a loser Darin, cause I say about 99% of the people that post on this forum have been through a similar experience.

 

The logic way is the only way, cause thinking with your heart in this situation will only cause you more grief.

 

She was your life for 4 years, but she has decided to end that. There is absolutley nothing you can do now, than to take care of urself.

 

Im not into all the self help and wishy washy crap a thousand books have stated, but I think the best thing you can possibly do is move back home.

 

You will be surprised how much quicker you will recover not having her around. It will not end everything you are in your heart, but if you stay where you are it will.

[dr strangelove]

I feel that he could win her back, but he would have to fix some other issues.

 

I have talked to alot of long term couples and usually there is one big break up,

that can happen at the begining or few years in or even later.

 

A bussiness associate and friend of mine actually just finished moving back in with his wife of ..hm 10..15 yrs. I didnt even realize that seperated.

 

I know another couple, that broke up. Now there are back together. Last time I

saw them they were getting along great.. and they have been through some hellish stuff.

 

If you love something let it go and if it comes back it is yours

 

hmm not sure about that. I think that was my thought on my ex. Whenever she said it was over, eventually she would contact me again. And I mean she still contacts me, not sure if that will lead to reconcilation.. who knows

 

At least Darin has an easier Job of it she is around, she comes to visit, he has her number etc..

 

Basically he is like the CLASH song "Should I stay or should I go?"