does this email sound too needy???

[heyduh]

background ... i am a guy, 31, she is 27, dating 1.5 years, i technically broke up with her a month ago because she kept saying she is unsure of her feelings, and believes we are very different (even though we rarely fight, and amicable resolve differences)

 

last weekend she surprised me on friday by showing up at my place after almost a month of very limited contact. now she is away for a week on vacation and i haven't talked to her since dropping her off at the airport.

 

i've been thinking a lot about her... does this email sound too needy???

 

"you say you don't see a future with me, and I say am not going to stick around to be your string along. Then why can't we just walk away? I said let's break-up, you said you wanted to "take a break" ... then why can't we stick to it?

 

... last weekend was so cozy and fun. there is a strong bond between us, not just the physical, but also a close friendship, and a certain warmth ... comfort ... its days like that which make me feel like you are, for some reason, denying your own feelings.

 

and yet I can't stop wondering why you came over on Friday? why do you tell me two weeks ago that you are upset and can't sleep knowing that you hurt my feelings, but then do things to continue to raise my hopes ... like you did over the weekend?

 

i can understand you "doubting your feelings" but that is the most common reason people give for breaking up ... taking the easy path out, only to realize later that ebb and flow of emotions are a part and parcel of all relationships.

 

remember the other day on the phone you asked me what i was reading? i've been reading a lot about things like this: [COLOR=#800080]http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/26[/COLOR] ...

 

do check it out, it might answer some of your questions .. not just about ambivalent feelings but also things like compatibility, values, etc ... i really liked "appreciate your differences" ... and later on "agree to disagree"

 

enjoy the rest of your vacation. think about me. sometime after you come back, we are going to sit down and have a talk."

 

anything i can say/do to improve it? BTW - yes we did sleep together over the weekend

[kypepeo]

I think that it crucial to get things out in the open in a relationship. According to me, your email doesn't sound too needy. You sound like a guy with his head together, trying to get some answers. You deserve to know what's going on with her and its best to just come out and ask her like you did. Good for you!

[CaliGuy]

Well, I would not suggest talking to her via email over something like this. It's too impersonal and the tone can be misinterpreted.

 

Stop sleeping with her (why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free??)

 

If you want to create those feelings within her again, define your purpose. Are your goals written out? What do you live for every day? Do you have friends that you spend time with? What are you doing to build your confidence?

 

Too often we put our expectations and needs on others when we have to get them fulfilled ourselves. You and you alone are responsible for your own happiness and if you are making your g/f responsible for it, you will kill the attraction.

 

I wouldn't email this to her. I would work on my own feelings and needs first and not expect her to feel the same way. Sometimes you have to let people go, truly let them go, for them to see what they are going to miss.

 

Again my suggestion is to focus on yourself and your needs. Stop trying to get an answer from her because any pressure you put on her right now to patch things up will just push her away from you.

 

Does it sound clingy or needy? No. But like I said, if you're trying to force a conclusion on her I guarantee you it won't be the one you want.

[openskies]

I have to agree with CaliGuy... and I don't have his "credentials"

 

I think the main issue here is that you don't know how she'll interpret what you write, and you want to write something so she understands where you are coming from. I don't think that's possible... she has to see it for herself and if you try to show her, CaliGuy is right, you will only confuse her more and drive her away from an answer she may be poised to find out on her own.

 

I think letting go of what we have no control over is the hardest thing in these cases... You can't control how she feels, trying to explain things is likely to make her feel like you are steering her in the direction you want her to travel. She'll naturally resist... even if she was already going in that direction. Let her take her path, while you take yours, and don't expect anything.

 

OS

[shelters]

I have to agree with the prior posts. Don't send the letter. DO continuing writing though! (Just don't send anything to her)

 

Not sure if this story helps:

 

A very good friend of mine had *huge* second thoughts when she was engaged. She wanted that gut feeling, that you-just-know-when-it-is-right feeling that so many people make reference to. She never got it and the closer to the wedding day, the stronger her doubts. About six months before the wedding her fiance told her that he loved her very much and wanted her true happiness, regardless of the outcome... and that he felt that her decision would not become clear with the two of them physically together each day (they lived together). She stayed with a friend for close to two months with limited contact with her fiance.

 

Where are they now? Happily married going on 6 years. I've asked her about what helped her make up her mind and there are a number of different reasons she gave, but the one that comes to mind as I read your post is she said, "the way my husband remained so amazingly centered and steady when I was not able to myself."

 

(Btw, in the course of their marriage she has also been the 'strong' one at certain times)

 

From that story I point out two things:

 

1. the way her fiance did not collapse; he took care of himself. Take care of yourself now.

 

2. that my friend chose to return to her fiance *on her own.* IF your ex is going to come back, would it not be better if she returns on her own without any influence from you?

 

 

A gentle reminder that the Universe gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. See if you can step back from the situation and embrace the opportunity to grow. I write that as much for myself and my own situation as for you. Best of luck!

[heyduh]

thanks ALL for the feedback. I gave serious thought to both sides of the argument and I'm glad I slept over it ...

 

... she called me late last night just to catch up and tell me how her vacation is going. i kept it short and polite, but it does sound like she is missing me and perhaps keen on getting back together.

 

needless to say, I didn't send the 'email' or discuss any of the issues i raised in my 'email' with her when we talked. I'll stick to very limited contact for now .. take it slow, and let her come to me. if she wants to get too comfortable again, either emotionally or physically, i'll *gently* discuss my issues/concerns/boundries ... i need to practice working on discussing issues versus sounding like i am pressurizing her for decisions.

 

CaliGuy raised an excellent point *i have to resist temptation* it is so easy to fall into her arms when we are so comfortable with each other.

 

in the mean time - i'm starting to rekindle relationships with friends/family .. and reconnecting with other things that fell by the side when we were together.

 

shelters also had a very inspiring story .. it seems inline with a lot of research that shows couples who do not live together before getting married have a greater chance of success. (i think i read that somewhere?!)