not sure

[carla71]

Hello all,

 

This is my first time posting on the forum!

 

I'm having a few issues concerning my relationship with my boyfriend, who recently asked me to marry him. He is a wonderful guy and I do love him. Lately two red flags popped up and they did cause me a bit of distress, as I don't want this pattern to continue into our marriage. I'm positive he has issues with my behaviour as well.

Anyway he spends almost all his time at my place. I was renting the apartment before I met him and thus I pay the rent and all the bills. He lives with his mom and helps her pay the mortgage etc. In the past he offered to pay a portion of the rent but I declined the offer as he also has a young son and he pays quite a bit of money on child support. Recently I went through a bit of a financial pickle and asked him if he would help with paying half of one months rent. he said yes. I was relieved as that allowed me, or so I thought, to free up some money to pay an urgent bill. As rent day got closer I asked him again. He then asked if he could pay less. I was a bit perplexed but said ok. A few days past including rent day, which he knows and he never gave me the money. I had to ask my parents for help. I mentioned nothing to him but I was really hurt. He does help to pay for groceries etc. but so do I, I also pay for my share of dinner or movies when we go out. (Actually when we first started going I bought all the groceries until I pointed that out and he started to contribute)Finally I asked him about the rent money. He always complains that he feels I excluded him from parts of my life. He talks a lot about his feelings etc, where as I more reserved. He apologized about not giving me the money and promised to do so. I was angry and said I didnt need it anymore, that my dad had helped me. He insisted he would give me the money anyway. I said ok. Weeks passed nothing. On one night he asked me if I wanted to go to concert with him I said yes but cancelled at the last minute and spent the night alone. He had not bought tickets, so he didnt lose anything. But he was very angry and called me unreliable, that I say yes when I mean no, that I didnt want to spend the night with him when he thought he was going to be able to come over. This really pissed me off so I mentioned the money that he never gave me, I pointed out that I never ask him for anything, that I am an independent person and the one time I ask him for something very important, he let me down. He got very quiet. I asked him why he didnt give me the money and he said he forgot because he doesnt think about it very much. The very next day he brought me a check.

Now I don't want his money I just want to want to be able to count on him. This scenario bothered me. He talks A LOT about building a future with me so why is it the one time I ask him for help he just forgets? If the tables where turned and he needed some rent money I would have gone that very day to cash machine.

The second flag is. We used to work together. The management of our company was not that great. Out entire team including the both of us were warned about missed deadlines. This was not the fault of the team but management's. In a group meeting my boyfriend basically told off the head manager. I was just sitting there thinking "oh no please stop." When the first opportunity came up, they canned him. He found a second job and he is already having issues with that companies management again. He is thinking abou quitting already. He has child expenses, a student loan to pay for and help out his mother. A few months ago when he was talking about quitting he mentioned that maybe if we moved in together I could manage some of the expenses while he took a few months off work to study. His rational is, someday if we have kids he will support me while I take care of the baby. He hasnt mentioned it again after our whole rent debacle.

It worries me that he seems to have proplems at work. I went through the same issue he did. But I worked through them, did what management asked and ended on good terms with them and an excellent reference. He sees this as not sticking up for yourself.

It worries me that he just expects I will handle expenses because he doesnt like his job.

He is a really nice person otherwise and I know he loves me, but I can't get this out of my mind. What do you guys think?

[blind_otter]

I think you have a right to be concerned. I mean, you asked him for help, he offered to and then blew it off. He ran his mouth and got fired, which is irresponsible. I personally would have serious reservations about committing myself to someone like this.

 

I did once, and I'm divorced now, so there you go.

[Curmudgeon]

I think this is a recipe for disaster. He's unreliable. He may be the nicest guy in the world but he can't be counted upon.

[zarathustra]

Argument over finances ranks in the top 5 reasons people split. I suggest sitting down and coming up with a financial plan with this guy. If he doens't contribute, then kick him to the curb. Thing don't get better after you get married, if anything, they go south.