Ravenclaw Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 I was curious about people opinions on this. I know it is good to allow your spouse time with his/her friends, but how often should they go out with friends? It seems my spouse goes out way more than I do with friends, about twice a week. I go out maybe once a month with my friends. Together, we go out maybe once a month, if we are lucky. I am never invited out with them, I always end up sitting at home and end up feeling sorry for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 I was curious about people opinions on this. I know it is good to allow your spouse time with his/her friends, but how often should they go out with friends? It seems my spouse goes out way more than I do with friends, about twice a week. I go out maybe once a month with my friends. Together, we go out maybe once a month, if we are lucky. I am never invited out with them, I always end up sitting at home and end up feeling sorry for myself. I am not sure what you mean by *allowing* your spouse to go out. I just don't get that kind of talk. Anyways...I have dated a few popular BF's in my day. It's annoying!! Made me feel like crap when they always had plans, and I had to sit at home alone...again. The only thing you can do, is to keep yourself busy. Go camping, go fishing, go to the bar. Why do you feel like you need to just stay at home? Do you know how many movies I've gone to alone? Too high to count. By the way, has it always been like this in the relationship, or has she just started to go out without you? Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenclaw Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 I am not sure what you mean by *allowing* your spouse to go out. I just don't get that kind of talk. You are reading too much into that. No, no permssion needed on either side. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Does he go out with mixed company or is it all guys? Do you have small children at home? Have you talked to him about this at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Only to the extent that both spouses are comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 I was curious about people opinions on this. I know it is good to allow your spouse time with his/her friends, but how often should they go out with friends? Once a week, a spouse should spend some alone time. More, if there aren't any kids in the house. It seems my spouse goes out way more than I do with friends, about twice a week. I go out maybe once a month with my friends. Together, we go out maybe once a month, if we are lucky. I am never invited out with them, I always end up sitting at home and end up feeling sorry for myself. Well, perhaps you should develop some independence from your wife! You should never have to feel sorry for yourself whether you choose to stay home or go out with friends. Why would you want to hang out with her friends? It sounds 'needy' on your part to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
AManWithTroubles Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 I'd say that if your spouse is spending more time with friends than with you, then there is something wrong. That's just my opinion. Are there children involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Plan things for the two of you to go out more each month and see where that takes you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 The whole "allowing" thing stuck in my mind too. If someone tells you twice a month would you tell him that is what he is allowed to do? It's whatever is comfortable for the both of you. Maybe his friends are able to schedule their outings more easily than your friends -- different responsibilities and priorities make for different times. My husband used to get with his friends 3 or 4 times a week (and every weekend) and I might get with my friends a couple times a year. I haven't had an outing with 'my' friends in many years now--- we've all moved so far from each other. Hubby gets together with people several times a week and frankly, I LOVE it when he's gone and I have the place to myself! But when we were dating I used to feel left-out a lot. I asked for a compromise from him -- that we go out every other weekend and he could see his friends during the week and every other weekend we were not together. He had some issues with that if I remember right and insisted that it was "my" problem because he would invite me out with him -- but it wasn't anything I was interested in. (they did a lot of role-play games on the weekends and I've never been into that) What kind of compromises can you offer him so that he doesn't feel "hen-pecked?" Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Only to the extent that both spouses are comfortable. I agree. It's whatever the two of you are comfortable with. This is part of negotiation in marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
loudog Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 Firstly let me say very little that is said is not meant on some level…you may say the word “allowed” is nothing (reading too much into it) but in reality it probably what you really feel deep down. Should I allow him to go out? Etc. What you wrote is most likely how you feel. Both I and my wife go out separately with our friends a minimum of once a week, and yes we have kids. They are extremely well taken care of etc. but we both value our friendships and want to keep them. We also go out a minimum of once a week together. I could never be with someone who abandons their friends just because they are in a relationship. My buddies and I have had a Thursday nite dinner ritual for over 20 years…come hell or high water we will not abandon it. I also “deep-sixed” several girl friends over the years who abandoned their friends once we started seriously dating…I consider it a character flaw… and a real tell-tale sign of things to come. Bottom line is you both have to be comfortable and really should have worked out those ground rules prior to getting married…I know I did! That said many women tend to take the opinion of “I’ll change him when we are married” or “things will change when we are married” …...come out of the fog, they usually don’t change on any level and in this case of retaining your friends they shouldn’t. “You can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends…pick wisely and keep them close” Just my random thoughts on this subject Lou Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 And excellent thoughts they are. My wife has two girlfriends she's had for over 30 year, neither of whom live close to us. Periodically she'll go visit for several days and I actively encourage that. Those old girlfriends are important to her and her life would be less without them in it. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 If you're sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, that's your own fault. Only you are responsible for making yourself happy. As far as not being invited, that's a little strange. Why do you think that is? Adults have relationships where both are individuals who don't have to ask permission for things. Do you really think you can say, "Hey, because I don't have as many friends as you, I'm going to forbid you to have any fun! You have to stay home and be miserable with me!!!" Yeah, that sounds like a healthy scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 I agree. It's whatever the two of you are comfortable with. This is part of negotiation in marriage. I agree with Mz. Pixie and Curmudgeon. I also think that where your partner and his/her friends go, or what they do when they hang out together, can make a big difference. An environment that is not in the least treathening to your relationship, or that will not cause your partner insecurities (i.e. a women-only evening at one of your W's friends, no guys around) is very different, IMO, to an environment where you'll meet new people and interact with members of the opposite sex. It is also important that the time you spend with his/her friends does not take away anything from the relatioship, or reduces the amount of time you spend with your partner. Is there a reason you go out together only once in a month or so? Do you know your spouse's friends? Do you like/trust them? Is there a sensible reason you are never invited? Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 I also think that where your partner and his/her friends go, or what they do when they hang out together, can make a big difference. An environment that is not in the least treathening to your relationship, or that will not cause your partner insecurities (i.e. a women-only evening at one of your W's friends, no guys around) is very different, IMO, to an environment where you'll meet new people and interact with members of the opposite sex. I agree with this 100%, which is why I was asking about who your H is going out with. If its a weekly poker night with the guys, I'd wish him well every week. If its in a mixed group of men and women and you aren't invited, I'd be very suspicious. Or if its to the nudy bar with the guys every week, that would not be acceptable to me in a relationship at all. More info would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
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