Wrong Move?!?!

[Debbie]

I moved out to Ohio from California to be with my boyfriend, it started off as a long distance relationship.

 

We talked extensively about our future plans of getting married, buying a house, the whole nine yards. He has three daughters, they live with their mother. I expressed my concerns about the children and he said that we would work through any problems that come up. After about a month of living together, we started drifting apart. He says that the oldest daughter isn't accepting the situation well. Her parents divorcing and of course my relationship with her father. She is 11, tough age, I know. I expected that to happen but what I didn't expect was for my boyfriend to ask me to move out!! He said that the oldest daughter is going downhill fast. He says that his feelings haven't changed towards me. He says he still loves me and I am the woman of his dreams. He told me that he doesn't want to lose his daughters, so he wants to spend lots of time with them, and rebuild their relationship. He said that he feels like he has to choose between me or his daughters. Other people have told me he is letting the oldest daughter run his life. The oldest doesn't like me. The two younger girls love me to death! My dilema is that he is not sure if he will pursue this realtionship with me after I move out! I picked up my entire life to be with this man! I left my job, friends, and apartment. Do you have any opinions on this??? I love this man and don't want this relationship to end, what can I do?? I am so upset about this, I cry every single day!!!

[LoveAngel]

Debbie,

 

I think your boyfriend is taking a very wise, thought-out course of action. In fact, I'm thrilled to hear how much he values the relationships he has with his daughters. They *are* his life, and by seeing someone with children, it's key that you understand that they will always come first. It must be very hard for him to have to deal with his decision, and in no way does it signify a loss of love to you. You can still carry on a relationship from two different locations, and in fact, it may be the best situation for the girls unless the two of you decide to get married. His daughters are not blind and they're not stupid. The oldest might actually have a higher level of understanding about what "moving in" means. Perhaps she even resents the divorse, as she lived the longest with both parents. 11 is a hard enough age to deal with despite all of this, and understandably, she may feel emotionally strained by the situation. I think you really need to work on connecting with her, but be prepared... she may very well have no desire to bond with you. You moving in says a lot. She probably has or is starting to get an understanding about sex and draws conclusions by the two of you living together. It's less likely in her mind for her mother and father to get back together with you in the house. Etc, etc. Don't take it as a personal attack on you by your boyfriend. Part of loving him as much as you say you do is to understand that you can't always be first, and you probably never will in relation to his daughters. Don't make a scene or get angry at his decision. You don't want to fill the role of the wicked step-mother. He has a responsibilty and a love for them before you. That's what children are all about. You can't replace them or redirect that love to yourself, so if that's what you're aiming to do, I think you need to find someone who doesn't have that kind of commitment. If you want to be with this man, you must love his daughters as well. You are entering the lives of four people, not just one. Bottom line: you don't have to live with him to be in love with him and vice versa. If the relationship is strong enough, it will survive the small distance. He's not about to pick up and go anywhere.

 

Best wishes,

 

LoveAngel

I moved out to Ohio from California to be with my boyfriend, it started off as a long distance relationship. We talked extensively about our future plans of getting married, buying a house, the whole nine yards. He has three daughters, they live with their mother. I expressed my concerns about the children and he said that we would work through any problems that come up. After about a month of living together, we started drifting apart. He says that the oldest daughter isn't accepting the situation well. Her parents divorcing and of course my relationship with her father. She is 11, tough age, I know. I expected that to happen but what I didn't expect was for my boyfriend to ask me to move out!! He said that the oldest daughter is going downhill fast. He says that his feelings haven't changed towards me. He says he still loves me and I am the woman of his dreams. He told me that he doesn't want to lose his daughters, so he wants to spend lots of time with them, and rebuild their relationship. He said that he feels like he has to choose between me or his daughters. Other people have told me he is letting the oldest daughter run his life. The oldest doesn't like me. The two younger girls love me to death! My dilema is that he is not sure if he will pursue this realtionship with me after I move out! I picked up my entire life to be with this man! I left my job, friends, and apartment. Do you have any opinions on this??? I love this man and don't want this relationship to end, what can I do?? I am so upset about this, I cry every single day!!!

[Jim]

Hi Debbie,

 

I think the advice of Love Angel is a bunch of bull. Your

 

boyfriend is trying to weasel out of your relationship.

 

YOu moved in and after a month he wants you to move out..

 

He is using his daughters as an excuse..I know this is breaking your heart, but get out while you can. He is not the right man for you. Would be glad to talk further with you, if you wish.

 

Jim

I moved out to Ohio from California to be with my boyfriend, it started off as a long distance relationship. We talked extensively about our future plans of getting married, buying a house, the whole nine yards. He has three daughters, they live with their mother. I expressed my concerns about the children and he said that we would work through any problems that come up. After about a month of living together, we started drifting apart. He says that the oldest daughter isn't accepting the situation well. Her parents divorcing and of course my relationship with her father. She is 11, tough age, I know. I expected that to happen but what I didn't expect was for my boyfriend to ask me to move out!! He said that the oldest daughter is going downhill fast. He says that his feelings haven't changed towards me. He says he still loves me and I am the woman of his dreams. He told me that he doesn't want to lose his daughters, so he wants to spend lots of time with them, and rebuild their relationship. He said that he feels like he has to choose between me or his daughters. Other people have told me he is letting the oldest daughter run his life. The oldest doesn't like me. The two younger girls love me to death! My dilema is that he is not sure if he will pursue this realtionship with me after I move out! I picked up my entire life to be with this man! I left my job, friends, and apartment. Do you have any opinions on this??? I love this man and don't want this relationship to end, what can I do?? I am so upset about this, I cry every single day!!!

[LoveAngel]

I think the advice of Love Angel is a bunch of bull. Your boyfriend is trying to weasel out of your relationship. YOu moved in and after a month he wants you to move out..

I still stand by my previous comments. Of course, this is an "open forum" and you're entitled to your opinion. I'd be a little nicer about it though.

He is using his daughters as an excuse..I know this is breaking your heart, but get out while you can. He is not the right man for you. Would be glad to talk further with you, if you wish.

Hah! And I supposed you are the right man for her? Way to vulture yourself a little fling. Hey, do us all a favor and stick to the singles sites.

 

LoveAngel