LJ, KHLF, let's hen party!

[zarathustra]

Hi. I'm starting this post mostly because I'm looking to share my experience with LJ and KHLF about husbands who are trying hard to be good husbands to us.

 

My H and I are back together after a 5 month separation. We've been back together for 4 months. I know I have changed so that I don't fall into the same trap that I did prior to my leaving. I know that he has made an effort too. But it is hard for him to make certain changes but the hardest ones are the ones I value most.

[Ladyjane14]

OMG...the thread title slayed me!

 

I'm outta here in a few minutes because I'm just fragged tonight, but I'm curious to know what changes he's having difficulty with. (????)

[zarathustra]

My H has never been verbally expressive towards me where emotions are concerned. It hard on a girl when the i luv yous are said like a recital of obligation.

 

He is very 'diplomatic' so that when he should speak up for me, he doesn't and leave me to fend for myself when I'm verbally attacked by his parents and their friends. I just want to see that he cares enough to step up.

[Ladyjane14]

My H has never been verbally expressive towards me where emotions are concerned. It hard on a girl when the i luv yous are said like a recital of obligation.

 

Has he read The Five Love Languages yet?

My husband doesn't read for pleasure, but still...I got him to read that one. It's a fairly easy read. And even though it's not the definative answer on relationships, it's not a bad start. Food for thought as it were.

 

I did have to lay my cards out on the table though, and let my husband know that it meant ALOT to me that he read it. I told him that it was important to me, and that I viewed his cooperation as an expression of his love for me.

 

It put him on the spot, but he got it done anyway. It opened the door to discussion on how we interacted and what made us feel loved in the marriage. Once he had identified my 'love language', he began to see the value of having read the book.....because he's learned to 'work it'!!!

 

He is very 'diplomatic' so that when he should speak up for me, he doesn't and leave me to fend for myself when I'm verbally attacked by his parents and their friends. I just want to see that he cares enough to step up.

 

Is this an unresolved issue from the separation, or is it ongoing?

Either way, that needs to be addressed.

[zarathustra]

I think its still a bit recurring. I don't think that I need him to stand up for me, but it would be nice to have. I wouldn't mind it if he validated how I felt and that he understood that the way his mother communicates with me makes me feel belittled and insignificant.

 

Will get 5 languages of love... sounds like I need to read it myself.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Z,

thanks for sharing this thread with me. I am having a lot of difficulty in my marriage and I hate complaining about it - because that makes me seem like a bad person. :blush:

 

But since you have my name here, I will try my best to tell my story.

 

I married my H when I was 23... way too young to know what is good for me. About a year ago, I started to "wake up". I saw my husband for the first time without the rosy lenses. That was when I went into a depression. Now I am on meds, which helps tremendously!

 

Well, somewhere in the mix of drug induced calmness and facing my reality with a new clarity, I allowed myself to become intimate with another man. I've always found him extremely good looking, but I have always been able to control my feelings so they never go beyond that of friendship.

 

I'd like to add that I have only been intimate with 2 men in my life: my husband and this other man. I have only kissed these two men. I know that this is not an excuse for me to 'slip'... but at the time... and factoring in my depression and the staleness in my marriage, I fell in love with the OM. And the feelings have been intense ever since... if not more so.

 

So back to my marriage.... It is stale... like 10 day old bread. I really lost respect for him. he has disappointed me in so many ways. He is a liar and he doesn't keep his promises. That's what upsets me the most. So what is the point of "talking", right? I know that he won't follow through!

 

At this point, we barely exchange more than 2 senteces per day. And I am not even upset about it!! What does that tell you aobut our marriage?

 

I am thinking very hard to leave him. Hey, maybe you guys will hear about it in a year!

 

Ok, now, the parts that he's changing:

1. he will sit down and listen to me... but he's still interrupting me and making excuses.

2. he will not yell at me... or at least he will lower his voice when I remind him that he's yelling.

3. He is trying to pay attention to me... such as saying "hi" when he comes home at night.

 

Really, it is not much progress. The thing about him is that it is not in him to be considerate or empathetic. He just doesn't have the ability to understand what other people are feeling regarding an issue. He is just dense that way. He's not aloof or apathic like some sociopaths... but he can't read people and he can't put himself in other people's shoes. What do you call those kinds of people?

 

The strangest thing was that "awakening" for me. I mean, he has been like this since day one. It used to p*ss me off when he was inconsiderate, but I'd always forgive him, thinking that he'd change/grow up someday. For the past 10 years, I've changed in many ways. But my husband is like some stunted adolescent. He has the EQ of a 10 year old, tops. He *NEVER* grew up!

 

I am trying to work on my marriage. So please do not advice me to leave my H. If I could leave him, I would have already. I am giving myself a deadline, though. 2 years is all I can tolerate... but whenever i am with him, I'd think about ending it right there and then. What are the chances that he will change PERMANENTLY, right?

[zarathustra]

Thanks for sharing. I understand what you are saying... completely.

 

I feel that sometimes my H and I don't talk about anything significant. Its a bit stale and I don't know how to spice things up. My H is also a rebound guy from a failed engagement. He did see me through hard times, but never advised me on anything. I feel like a parent more than a wife sometimes.

 

People don't really change, they can make an effort to meet your needs, but the expectation for them to change is unlikely to be met. I think it is progress that he is trying to listen to you. That he is paying more attention to you and lowers his voice when you ask him to. I think its progress. When he reaches those goals, set new ones. I don't think you are asking him to change, but to communicate with you in a manner where you would feel respected.

 

Sometimes it really irritates me when I say to do something and my H says its not for him and then later he does it and make it seem like his idea all along. Yep, it annoys me to no end.

 

People ask why I stay, but I feel that if I didn't make an effort, then I would wonder if I really tried my best.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Z,

 

My husband will never defend me either. He is never, never on my side. Many times, he doesn't even comprehend the issues, but he'd chime in and say that he agrees with the other POV. That always p*sses me off - but I understand now that that is how he fights. He just wants to fight, but he doesn't know how. He is jealous that I am smarter than him. He doesn't understand half the things I say. And he definitely doesn't catch my sarcasm!

 

LadyJane, do you think that I have a good case to leave my M now??

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I really like this post, and I think it deserves a second look.

 

Annacabanna wrote this:

The Walk Away Wife Syndrome

 

 

Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walkaway Wife" syndrome all about?

 

In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun...things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.

 

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

 

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

 

Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone

[EndoftheRope]

Z,

 

My husband will never defend me either. He is never, never on my side.

 

This has been a huge issue in our marriage, too. Not only will he not defend me, I get the distinct impression from what he does and doesn't say, that he will be at the front of the line to run me down to others. I think my all-time 'favorite' is getting a psyche nurse (with whom he works) to agree that maybe I'm 'chemically imbalanced from so many pregnancies,' because it is absolutely inexplicable that his e-mails and flirting with the office tramp and lying could upset a reasonable person!

 

I also think it's about petty jealousies and insecurities. He has so many good qualities he fails to appreciate, so he tears me down instead of build himself up.

[EndoftheRope]

I forgot to add-- in our counseling session on Wednesday, he did agree to speak only positively of me to family and others. Like you, KHLF, I'm left feeling it's still a matter of wait and see because I know he views life as a matter of keeping the peace, and it seems to make more sense to him to do whatever he wants and lie to keep the peace, than to behave in such a way in the first place that there is no need to lie to keep the peace.

 

But I have some hope because he has been making a lot of changes and great efforts in the last six months, and this time he's hearing it from an outside, objective observer, after being given a fair chance to tell it from his perspective: quit running down your wife!

[Ladyjane14]

LadyJane, do you think that I have a good case to leave my M now??

 

Well, he's DEFINATELY a piece of work!

 

I can't tell you what to do on that, only you can decide. But, I figure if a man can learn his ABC's in grade school, if he can learn to do his job at the workplace....he can learn to be a good husband too. That's assuming that he isn't innately defective of course!

 

I found myself in an uphill battle when I was in my mid-thirties. There was NOTHING my husband could do right. Everything he said or did seemed controlling and selfish to me.

 

I think that's because as women, we reach an age where we feel we have ARRIVED. We've reached adulthood. We look around us and think, "If this is as good as it gets, it ain't good enough".

 

In hindsight, I recognize that alot of that was ME. I wasn't happy with my life, and I was hypercritical of my husband because in some ways it seemed to me like he was largely at fault. I was overworked and overwhelmed with the kids and the house. And it seemed like every little decision I made was subject to his scrutiny.

 

The good news is that we continue to grow beyond that. It's kind of like a mini female midlife crisis. Our responsibilities seem to rule our daily life during this time. The hats we wear as wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, etc....seem to take up ALL of our time, leaving precious little for just being ourselves. Life itself, seems to be leaving us behind. But after awhile, we learn how to manage it all, and most of us will make contact with our true self again and find ways to feed and sustain her.

 

So, that part is about us. But....

 

If there was an island populated by high-maintenance men....my husband would be their KING!!!

Now, is that about ME....or is it about HIM?

 

What I've come to recognize is that when he gets all negative and critical with me, it's not about me. It's about him. He's needy at those times. He needs attention, or affection, or food, or sleep, or quiet. It has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

 

I don't know WHY guys tend to pick at the one they love the most when they're unhappy. But they do. They're like babies in this....like they can't cope with hyperstimulation without fussing.

 

These days, I disarm him by providing a solution to the ACTUAL problem. I'm not allowing myself to be led off in the wrong direction by the decoy. Don't get me wrong, I do talk to him about it whenever he takes a verbal potshot at me. But I wait until after I've put the fire out to do it.

 

Here's a sweeping generalization, so excuse me for it.... but men aren't emotionally savvy creatures. They don't have a crystal ball either. So half the time they are wandering around aimlessly in the dark. It's up to us women to hand them a FLASHLIGHT.

 

So, I tell him about the nice things I do for him on a daily basis. If I made green beans instead of corn for dinner because I know he likes one more than the other....I make sure I'm logging on the brownie point by saying, "Honey, I made you green beans because I know you like that better."

 

And I'm finding at least one nice thing that I can do for him above and beyond the call EVERY DAY and telling him about it. I'm putting coins in his love bank, and I'm TEACHING him by example to put coins in mine.

 

I greet him at the door everyday with a hug and a kiss and a "how was your day". I give him an admiring pat on the butt whenever he passes me in the hall. I listen when he talks. And I do all these things because that's the way I want him to treat ME. It's like the GOLDEN RULE. I'm just 'doing unto him' the way I want him to 'do unto me'.

 

He will NEVER get it just right. He doesn't have the emotional tools that I have. I'm a woman. He's a man. But he tries. And for my part, I make an effort to notice.

 

But none of this works until a man KNOWS what's at stake. Zara and I have already had a crisis in our marriages. At this point, my husband is AWARE that he needs to 'work' on the relationship. I bet hers is too. We've already 'hit the wall' so to speak and for my part, my husband knows that I'm not willing to live in turmoil.

 

So for KHLF, if your husband isn't aware that you're SERIOUSLY unhappy with the status quo, I think maybe he needs to. He would also benefit from reading The Five Love Languages.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to wonder if this pervasive 'failure to support and defend' isn't more of a symptom than a disease.

 

My husband didn't mind a bit, back in the days when he was mad at me, if other people joined him in his criticism. In fact, he felt nicely supported in his position. And in those days, I would've been sensitive to it in a way that I'm not today.

 

I think maybe that this has the potential to resolve itself naturally when the emotional distance in the relationship is closed. As your husbands become more 'in tune' to you and your needs, I think it's possible that they will grow in their awareness of how detrimental these outside influences can be. And when the husband feels more supported in the relationship by YOU, it stands to reason that he wouldn't need the 'support' of outsiders.

[zarathustra]

Wow... I felt so alone for such a long time. I thought I was all alone in how I felt. I was really upset over the summer. I was being harrassed by a colleague at work and I felt my husband was not supportive with my going to my superiors to deal with the situation. I felt like I needed a knight in shining armour but the one I trusted to be there for me really wasn't. I was so mad and disillusioned.

 

I have a temper too, so I blew up at him. Then I felt bad about the blow up and apologized for losing my temper. When I did, we didn't revisit the issue and the issue of lack of emotional support was dropped. Sound familiar?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Sorry for the delay in my reply. My husband broke my laptop 2 days ago out of anger. (That's just the way he is with anger).

 

I am ok... getting a new one.

 

But I won't be able to visit this site as often.

 

LadyJane,

Thanks for your posts. I will re-read as many times as necessary to keep myself sane. Like Z, I felt very lonely before I found LS. I was ashamed to discuss my marital problems with any one.... I really trust that you will be my saviour.

 

Zara,

Hope things are going better between you and your husband. I won't be logging in as often since I don't have a personal computer anymore. But you will be in my thoughts for strength.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry for the delay in my reply. My husband broke my laptop 2 days ago out of anger. (That's just the way he is with anger).

 

I am ok... getting a new one.

 

But I won't be able to visit this site as often.

 

He broke your laptop because he was angry???

What do you mean by "that's just the way he is with anger"?

 

It sounds more like a self-control issue to me. If he's having difficulty controlling his ACTIONS whenever his temper is engaged...that's not cool.

 

Have you talked to him at all about anger management? You know, you shouldn't have to live with someone who is unpredictable and liable to start breaking the place up. That's unacceptable.

 

What does he say about counseling? And does he understand that you are unhappy in the marriage? Does he know that you're considering divorce because of it?

 

You know, you read it ALL THE TIME from guys on the Separation/Divorce board. Once the wife has finally given up, they start connecting the dots. They begin to see what deficits they brought to the relationship, and it's heartbreaking really that they feel so bad about it. By then it's usually too late though.

 

Somehow, you're husband needs to wake up to the fact that he's losing you. I don't know how that can happen when he's busting up your belongings just 'cause he's mad. He's got you walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict. And we all know that conflict must be met rather than avoided, otherwise the status quo remains and no improvements are made.

 

Are you two able to talk about the relationship at all? Or does the conversation usually dissolve into an argument? Are you afraid of him?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

He broke your laptop because he was angry???

What do you mean by "that's just the way he is with anger"?

 

He's broken many things in the house. That's how he deals with anger.

 

 

 

Have you talked to him at all about anger management? You know, you shouldn't have to live with someone who is unpredictable and liable to start breaking the place up. That's unacceptable.

 

I know it is unacceptable. That's why I've lost all my love and respect for him! He wouldn't change! We've talked about this a billion times... and he'd always apologize later.

 

What does he say about counseling? And does he understand that you are unhappy in the marriage? Does he know that you're considering divorce because of it?

 

He doesn't believe in counseliing. He will lie to the counselor to make himself loook good anyway. He is beginning to understand that I am unhappy now... perhaps... because I made myself very clear after he broke my computer.

 

You know, you read it ALL THE TIME from guys on the Separation/Divorce board. Once the wife has finally given up, they start connecting the dots. They begin to see what deficits they brought to the relationship, and it's heartbreaking really that they feel so bad about it. By then it's usually too late though.

 

Somehow, you're husband needs to wake up to the fact that he's losing you. I don't know how that can happen when he's busting up your belongings just 'cause he's mad. He's got you walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict. And we all know that conflict must be met rather than avoided, otherwise the status quo remains and no improvements are made.

 

Are you two able to talk about the relationship at all? Or does the conversation usually dissolve into an argument? Are you afraid of him?

 

It is soooo depressing to read the Separation/Divorce board. I hope that my husband would stay changed forever. But he always lapses back to his old self after a week, a month, two months. I know that he won't change. I have come to realization that he would never change about a year ago. I've basically given up on this marriage working out.

 

I'm just staying ... because I have no better place to be. (I know I'm going to get whipped for saying that here.) Sorry, LadyJane. I am not much of a fighter today.

[jonesgirly]

KnowHowLoveFeels

 

I have a H just like yours. Broken many things (due to his anger), said too many bad things (due to his anger), etc. It does NOT get better until HE realizes its a problem and is affecting his life. I know what you mean about them changing for a 'day' or two, always reverting back to the original creature.

 

You should read my thread: http://www.lovhttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70604/?

abd especially this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70604/?highlight=jonesgirly

[Ladyjane14]

I'm just staying ... because I have no better place to be. (I know I'm going to get whipped for saying that here.) Sorry, LadyJane. I am not much of a fighter today.

 

That's okay. Tomorrow is another day, right?

 

You realize, don't you....that if you change nothing, then NOTHING changes?

 

There will come a point at which your situation is no longer tolerable to you. EVERY day between that day and this, is a day that you've wasted an opportunity to change your life for the better.

 

And there's a potential here for ALOT of wasted days kiddo.

 

I went for TEN YEARS like that. And I regret it now. Because it was wasted time. But I don't regret it nearly as much as I would have had the marriage actually failed. That would've been over 20 years invested in something that eventually fell through. And I have to tell you, at the height of the marriage crisis, this was my pervading thought....that I had wasted over 2 DECADES on a bad man. I could only blame myself for that, because the bottom line was that no one selected him for me. I had done that myself. What's worse, is that I had also made a choice not to address the status quo.

 

I had made a choice to skate on through, making the best of my daily situation and trying not to leave a wake in my trail; making no waves and just keeping the peace. I guess I thought things would eventually get better on their own if I gave it some time. Afterall, the relationship wasn't ALL bad.

 

But it was bad enough that neither of us was truly happy. We were like a satallite in orbit...slowly, slowly, slowly losing altitude, and finally hurtling toward the atmosphere to crash and burn.

 

This wasn't an accident though. We had both made a choice to be where we were. And the choice we made was that each of us were going to support our own agenda, being RIGHT rather than HAPPY. You know...the old Dr. Philism..."Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

 

Well, we had each decided we'd rather be "right".

 

And it was true. He was right, because I never listened to him. I wasn't emotionally involved with him, didn't spend time with him or converse with him meaningfully, and I wasn't sexually involved with him in any emotionally satisfying way. I had decided FOR him that his life was good enough and he had nothing to complain about.

 

And I was right, because he was an overbearing control freak who reacted selfishly to everything and everyone around him. He had zero self-control over his constant criticism of me and EVERYONE else, and apparently no awareness of WHY that might make people avoid him.

He was a 'glass is half-empty kind of guy' and NO FUN to be around.

 

So...you see where this is going, don't you? Which one of us had the greatest deficit in our Emotional Needs????

 

It was him, of course. He needed me to be more involved. And his reaction to NOT getting what he needed was....Anger and Frustration. My reaction to "anger and frustration" was to withdraw even further away. This became a cycle.

 

Occasionally, I'd step up to the plate and give him what he wanted for awhile, long enough to smooth things over and keep the peace. But not long enough for him to feel secure in the knowledge that I wasn't going to drift away again.

 

And because he had become used to "doing business" from the 'ANGRY PLACE'...he would fall back to the habit at the smallest disappointment, lambaste me verbally, and I'd withdraw again to lick my wounds.

 

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

 

Something has to break the cycle. "If you change nothing, then NOTHING changes."

 

For us, that was a crisis in our marriage. I had to take a really hard look at what I was doing. I could no longer live in denial that I had any control over his choices. I had to accept that the only thing I could truly affect was ME.

 

So, I changed my choices. I listened, probably for the first time in years. Then I gave him what he asked of me. I gave him of my time. I gave him understanding. I gave him emotional support. I gave him conversation. I gave him intimacy. I gave him food. I gave him nourishment for his soul.

 

For us, this was like throwing a crowbar into the spokes of a moving wheel. The "cycle" grinded to a halt. We had stopped FEEDING into it.

 

Now, I won't blow any sunshine up your skirt and tell you that sometimes I didn't feel foolish, like a schmuck just giving and giving. His reactionary habits were ingrained, and he would slip back into them occasionally, and at those times I'd be absolutely certain I was a complete masochist.

 

But slowly, I began to notice that these reactionary incidents were less often and of shorter duration then ever before. Even today, he's apt to 'go to the bad place' every now and then. The difference is that I can HELP him find his way back out now.

 

So, I don't know what to tell you, KHLF. You're the only one who's in a postion to say what ENs are missing in your marriage, and which partner is in the greatest need.

 

All I know for sure, is that change is possible. But it doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you.

Because you can only control your own choices. You choose your actions. You choose your reactions. You choose your boundaries.

 

My husband has NEVER thrown things or broken things in anger. It's never even occurred to him to do so. Somewhere down deep, he has ALWAYS known that I'm not going to tolerate that. We never even had to talk about it. I'd call the cops if he was trashing the place and he knows it. There's not an ounce of doubt in his mind about that.

 

So, you see....my boundaries start with me too. I select them. Violence is a boundary that he knows better than to cross.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

[quote=jonesgirlyI have a H just like yours. Broken many things (due to his anger), said too many bad things (due to his anger), etc. It does NOT get better until HE realizes its a problem and is affecting his life. I know what you mean about them changing for a 'day' or two, always reverting back to the original creature.

 

Thanks Jonesgirly for your story. Actually, my H is not quite like yours. My H has an anger problem and can be emotionally manipulative. But he is adamant about staying married and being faithful to each other.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I went for TEN YEARS like that. And I regret it now. Because it was wasted time. But I don't regret it nearly as much as I would have had the marriage actually failed. That would've been over 20 years invested in something that eventually fell through. And I have to tell you, at the height of the marriage crisis, this was my pervading thought....that I had wasted over 2 DECADES on a bad man. I could only blame myself for that, because the bottom line was that no one selected him for me. I had done that myself. What's worse, is that I had also made a choice not to address the status quo.

 

LadyJane, I made the realization that I have wasted almost 10 years with him ... about a year ago... and went into a depression!! I was constantly crying... a total mess. I have since recovered... many thanks to my MM, actually. That's why I'm so obsessed with him now. I see him as my savior. He was here making everything so much better...

 

When I am being realistic, I know that my MM and I can never be together. I also understand that he is not being his true self when he is here as a visitor and friend. Deep inside, I know that he couldn't be much better than my husband. yet... the hope, the possibilities that he brings just about drives me crazy enough to fall into another depression.

 

 

But it was bad enough that neither of us was truly happy. We were like a satallite in orbit...slowly, slowly, slowly losing altitude, and finally hurtling toward the atmosphere to crash and burn.

 

heck, that's how I feel about my marriage!

 

And it was true. He was right, because I never listened to him. I wasn't emotionally involved with him, didn't spend time with him or converse with him meaningfully, and I wasn't sexually involved with him in any emotionally satisfying way. I had decided FOR him that his life was good enough and he had nothing to complain about.

 

Hm... I really need to think about this paragraph. I feel like you do... but I'm not sure my H is like your H. I feel that my H is VERY HAPPY with the way things are.

 

So...you see where this is going, don't you? Which one of us had the greatest deficit in our Emotional Needs????

 

It was him, of course. He needed me to be more involved. And his reaction to NOT getting what he needed was....Anger and Frustration. My reaction to "anger and frustration" was to withdraw even further away. This became a cycle.

 

LadyJane... I am beginning to get your drift!

 

 

"If you change nothing, then NOTHING changes."

Oh, I'm definitely a champion for change! I think you know that from my posts.

 

 

So, I don't know what to tell you, KHLF. You're the only one who's in a postion to say what ENs are missing in your marriage, and which partner is in the greatest need.

 

All I know for sure, is that change is possible. But it doesn't start with your partner. It starts with you.

Because you can only control your own choices. You choose your actions. You choose your reactions. You choose your boundaries.

 

LadyJane,

I read your post 3 times because there were so many things that appeared like pieces of puzzles to me... until now, I can connect them together!

 

I am beginning to see my role in this mess. Like you, I have been convinced that my H is sooo happy with the way things are. But I am beginning to think otherwise. I will start listening to him more. And we will change together! We have to change for each other.

 

LadyJane, I can't thank you enough. The MM was not the real issue with me. The real issue is my communication with my husband - surprise!

 

It is difficult for us to have a meaning conversation, though. My husband honestly has the vocabulary of an eighth grader. He doesn't understand many things that I say, and he can't tell me what he wants/feels. Emotionally and intellectually, we are at very different levels. But this doesn't have to be the marriage breaker. I did fall in love with him and I chose to marry him against my family's wishes.

 

BTW, my new laptop arrived today! But I will try not to log in too many hours or risk losing this one too.

 

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and stories. I learned so much from you and I am a better person because of you. I am not going to pursue an affair with an MM. I will work on my marriage. I will continue to answer questions. But I won't be posting on other threads. (I don't want to risk losing my anonymity by logging in too frequently. Sorry!)