Butterflying Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 My XBF and I have been apart for almost 2 years. We broke up, ultimately, because I discovered that he was cheating on me. I made the discovery after getting a call from one of the "other women." Secretly, I checked his email account, cell phone, and credit card bills. Over the course of 10 months, he had cheated on me with at least 8 women, maybe more. I never told my XBF how I knew, but I questioned his integrity. He denied everything. Today, he admits that he wasn't the best boyfriend to me, but he still denies cheating on me. However, he would like for us to be friends, and maybe progress into an exclusive relationship in the near future. I just realized that my XBF won't confess that he was unfaithful to me, and I haven't confessed to him how I found out. Do we have a chance at being friends, or maybe more? Should we both confess, or should we both live in denial about the whole thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Why be friends with him? He wants more, you seem to still want more. First you need to realize you can't really be just friends under these conditions. Furthermore why would you want to be with someone who won't admit to their frequent infidelity. He cheated on you in 1 year with 8 different women (maybe more!!!). How many cases of infidelity would he have to committ before you realize he is a loser? A relationship built on a lie (his lies and repeated lies) can not last. If you get back with him I can almost promise you that he will cheat again. He hasn't paid for his mistake. He doesn't even acknowledge it took place. As far as what you did to find out the truth. So what? You did nothing wrong. You did what you needed to do to get to the truth he was too much of a coward to tell you himself. I wouldn't waste once ounce of guilt on this sorry excuse of a human being. You almost seem to be trying to paint yourself in his likeness. You want to forgive him but you can't forgive him since he won't even be honest with you about what took place. So since you can't forgive him you want to make yourself out to be as bad him or not completely innocent. You want to level the playing field psychologically so you can justify getting back with him. Let me repeat this again, you did nothing wrong. You did what you had to do. You're talking about a scum bag who cheated on you countless times with countless partners over a period of 10 months!!! He lied to your face every time he said "I love you". He disrespected you every second of every day he was with you. He put you at risk to numerous diseases and heartbreak. He doesn't respect you on any level. If he did he would at least be man enough to admit what he did. Don't make this about how you found the truth. You're falling into this trap. He would love for you to feel guilty over getting to the truth. All cheaters do. Don't make this mistake. You don't want this loser for a boyfriend. He's not even worthy enough to be a friend. Keep as far away from this vile piece of garbage as you can. You do deserve better even if you don't think you do. The problem is you're still suffering from the damage he caused you. Recognize this for what it is. Learn from your mistakes. He obviously hasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted April 16, 2006 Author Share Posted April 16, 2006 You want to forgive him but you can't forgive him since he won't even be honest with you about what took place. So since you can't forgive him you want to make yourself out to be as bad him or not completely innocent. You want to level the playing field psychologically so you can justify getting back with him. This makes a lot of sense. I've been trying to figure out, for the past two years, why it's so difficult for me to forgive him. Now I realize it's because he hasn't apologized, or even admitted to his faults. But now, he's back asking me to "be his friend." I can never be his friend unless I forgive him. In my heart, I have forgiven him, but that's only so that I can move on without him. That forgiveness is enough as long as I'm not involved with him. Since he's back with the same old lies, the forgiveness is gone because I know he's intentionally hurting me. By considering my own faults, I wasn't trying to justify getting back with him. I was considering the chance of encouraging him to be honest with me. Maybe he would admit to his faults if he knew that I basically saw them with my own eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 He doesn't sound like someone you probably want in your life. Your relationship could only work if the problems that caused you to break up before (his cheating, as you say) have been resolved. Those issues have not been resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
ddnnee Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 hmm yea it could work... this relationship could work - but the real question is "how long will this relationship last?" With him cheating on you with 8+ girls (according to you), would you really trust this guy? I mean he had tons of fun with other girls and now he's tired out and just wants to layback, he finds you and if you take him in... hmmm.... What if one day he starts to play around again? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." ... oh ya, guys do not change. They never do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 He cheated on you, and you have absolute proof of that. He wants to 'get back' with you, but continues to lie to your face about what he did? This R would have no chance. How could you EVER trust him? JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
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