leave my boyfriend alone!!!!

[jacqui85]

Would love some help on this one.

My boyfriend of 6months, has a friend (a past fling) who is constantly texting him with needy questions. Do u miss me? are u angry at me? do u ever think about me?.........Of course this pisses me off no end. Firstly bcos, it's hard not to dispise someone who's tryin to get an emotional reaction out of your partner, and secondly bcos i will never understand how some girls get the balls to send a guy something like this despite knowing that the guy is in a relationship.

 

Now what is getting to me the most here, is that my boyfriend is a genuine sweetheart, and feels the need to not be overly blunt about her obvious need for attention.

 

For example, the other nite he showed me a msg she sent to him which read "do u ever miss me", so i got pissed off and replied "no". My boyfriend, instantly wrote back again before she could reply..."haha i said that just for fun, of course i miss u, but in a friends way" he thought this was justified by stating "just friends". This chick is not getting the idea, she has just broken up with her boyfriend, and is useing mine for emotional ego boosts. And i'm going out of my mind crazy about it. I just want to yell at her and tell her to find some one who is a lonely needy attention seeker like herself to mess with. Because i can't do that, i'm taking it out on my boyfriend, because he is too nice to tell her to go away. I also don't understand why this friendship means anything to him, they catch up once a month if that....and she never used to text him until recently (bout 3 weeks ago they went and saw a movie together)

 

Should i be worried by his reluctance to criticise her behaviour, and his defending of her attitude....(he says she just gets lonely sometimes and doesn't deal with it too well, before i came along they used to have sex whenever she felt like this)

 

I want to tell him to cut her out of his life, so then we wont have pressure on our relationship anymore, but i know that's unfair. I just want this to go away......Some help, or suggestions please!!!

[HokeyReligions]

Be honest and tell him how it makes you feel. Not that you don't trust him, but you feel like he is putting her feelings before yours and that, while you appreciate how sensitive and caring he is as a person - you feel that he is taking you for granted and not being as careful of your feelings as he is of hers. Don't give him an ultimatum - give him some choices. Suggest that he tell her that he is concentrating on his own relationship right now and that for her own good, she needs to pull back from him so she can focus on her own future.

 

If he doesn't get it and/or refuses to be firm with her then edge closer to the ultimatum and farther from the choices. Point out that he is not doing her any good by enabling her dependence on him.

[Sal Paradise]

I agree with Hokey, first tell him how it makes you feel and see if he responds. And if he doesn't respond....

 

I'd give him an ultimatum. It is totally disrespectful for her to do this and for him to allow her to do this. And on top of that he defends her by saying "she gets lonely sometimes". Well cry me a frickin' river. Why the hell should you care and why should he care? This is why its not a good idea to date people who stay friends with exes.

 

Should you be worried? Yes but let me clarify. I don't think anything is going on right now. But keeping her around always leaves that potential. And it will always cause you undeeded grief. It also makes you wonder why he keeps her around at all. If he doesn't care for her he shouldn't have a problem with cutting her off.

 

And its not unfair for you to ask him to cut her out. Reverse the roles. Lets say an exe of yours was hanging around, acting needy, and basically waiting for table scraps (which she is doing, make no mistake she wants him back). It is disrespectful for him to encourage this behavior by keeping her around. Period end of discussion. He is the one being unfair.

 

And yes you should be concerned with the fact that he defends this crap and encourages it by doing nothing about it.

[tikigods]

the truth of the matter is that he wants her in his life or else he would have already told her to not bother him, what bothers me is the fact that he worries as much as he does about her feelings not as much to your own.

 

In all honesty if he isn't willing to cut ties with an ex that does sound rather desperate for him, I think you need to find someone that doesn't have that sort of willing baggage on them

[brightskies]

I'd give him an ultimatum. It is totally disrespectful for her to do this and for him to allow her to do this. And on top of that he defends her by saying "she gets lonely sometimes". Well cry me a frickin' river. Why the hell should you care and why should he care? This is why its not a good idea to date people who stay friends with exes.

 

And its not unfair for you to ask him to cut her out. Reverse the roles. Lets say an ex of yours was hanging around, acting needy, and basically waiting for table scraps (which she is doing, make no mistake she wants him back). It is disrespectful for him to encourage this behavior by keeping her around. Period end of discussion. He is the one being unfair.

 

Spot on. Man, crap like this is annoying, isn't it? It's practically a set up for drama down the road. It's starting already. Good luck OP.

[jacqui85]

Thank you guys.

 

I really needed to hear that my feelings about this were valid in order to step up to the bar and stick up for myself.

 

I did talk to my boyfriend about this before, and this is the update.

I told him that this was killing me emotionally, really hurting, and leading my mind to places that i didn't want it to go. I asked him why her friendship was so important, and his reply was that she was always there for him, and was what he needed at times, so he felt like he had to repay her. My response to this was that he should be worried about my feelings not hers, basically she is a nothing but an ego boost for him, and i'd had enough. He has seperated me from her, and has never invited me to meet her (for obvious reasons) so i told him that if he wants her in his life that when they meet up, i have to be included so she can see how happy we are (and also so i can be 100% sure he is not feeding her needing or they are honestly just friends) he agreed to this. Honestly, there should not be opposite sex friendships outside a relationship that are kept seperate from the partner.

I also told him that WHEN (it's not an IF) she texts him that s*** again, he needs to tell her it's inappropriate and that he feels nothing for her in that way. He has proposed to me and i think she needs this rubbed in her face. She's disrespecting me, and making me look like an idiot by saying these things to him.

I told him i don't want him to see her, but ultimately it's his decsion, but if things don't change, if there isn't a massive space between meetings, hardly any texts, and i'm always around them.....then i will end this relationship, because i want to be with someone who considers my feelings before an old booty calls.

He agreed to it....but i guess we'll have to see how it pans out hey.

 

Thankyou again.

Jacq xo

[brightskies]

Excellent, good for you! Sounds like you know what you want and that's the first step to getting it. AND if he's proposed and you're engaged, this shyt really shouldn't fly anymore. You have a good head on your shoulders and you're lovely --- he'd be a complete retard to throw your relationship away on a fling.

[Jadore]

Oh, I entirely feel for you. And at the same exact time I can relate to your boyfriend. I have some male friends who have in past done things similar to that friend of his texting. From my experience, I can say he definitely is with you and doesn't desire her, but cares about her wellbeing. I mean, girls like that to keep on texting so often are looking for some kind of void to be filled and she is looking for it in the wrong way. He doesn't know how to respond, but he sure as hell doesn't want to hurt her feelings and put her in a worse situation then she is in. I say, imo he is not in any way wanting to be with her, he just has sympathy for her.

 

Now, on trying to get rid of the clenching texts...

I don't know how your boyfriend would feel about you calling her (very friendly) and telling her that you are with him. Tell her that you just wanted to call to make sure she was.. o.k. or whatever. Don't sound protective over your boyfriend though! Last thing your boyfriend wants to think is that you are being controlling, but this girl needs to definitely tone it down.

[GiveAndTake]

I'll tell you my experience with this.

 

I had a boyfriend for about 6 months, we broke up. I got a new boyfriend and the old boyfriend would call and come around my job alot (I was a bartender).

 

The new boyfriend didn't like it.

I told him, we are just friends now, I'm with you.

 

3 months later, I left the new boyfriend to go back to the old boyfriend.

 

We broke up 3 years later but that's irrelevant.

 

I'll tell you why this happened.

 

During the 3 months with the new boyfriend, I really had no interest in getting back with him right away however, all the reasons why I left him, he corrected during those 3 months. (Easy to do when you're not together)

He was EXACTLY how I wanted him to be while we were together originally.

 

Then, 1 thing goes wrong with the new boyfriend (and we all know that things go wrong with every relationship) I went back to him.

 

So, it's very dangerous for him to be seeing/talking to her.

 

One false move on your part, and being that she probably corrected her faults, he'll go back, no matter what he says. (I said I wouldn't go back either)

 

Get rid of the ex or get rid of the boyfriend is my advice.

[MadDog]

I really had no interest in getting back with him right away however, all the reasons why I left him, he corrected during those 3 months. (Easy to do when you're not together)

He was EXACTLY how I wanted him to be while we were together originally.

 

If he corrected all his faults, why aren't you two still together?

[GiveAndTake]

If he corrected all his faults, why aren't you two still together?

 

Because his best behavior was only temporary. The reasons I left him to begin with slowly resurfaced.

[PurpleRain]

cut her out quick. She nothing but cancer to your relationship. Women and men can't be "JUST FRIENDS"

[Sal Paradise]

cut her out quick. She nothing but cancer to your relationship. Women and men can't be "JUST FRIENDS"

 

 

Sure they can but only if thats what both of them actually want. Many times 1 wants to be just friends and the other wants more. And I also think its difficult if they've slept together.

 

My girlfriend has guy friends. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends. I don't date girls who are friends with exes though. I think that can cause problems. So I avoid those problems by dating people with similar views on relationships as I have.

 

There was a problem once with a friend of her's having feelings for her. But she doesn't talk to him but once in a blue moon. He's an old friend she's grown apart from. I'd maybe be worried if they were closer. But if that was the case she would cut him off. She has offered to do so before, I told her it wasn't necessary since for the most part the only time they talk is the occasional 1 paragraph email "how are you doing?" or an occasional message on myspace. The important thing for me is knowing she would do it if I found the situation uncomfortable. Though if it got to that point she would cut him off herself because she would find it disrespectful. But knowing she would find it uncomfortable and disrespectful makes me feel secure in the relationship. I don't have to ask or be paranoid over it since I know she will handle it if anything inappropriate were to occur. Thats called absolute trust. And it isn't easy to find.

 

Thats why its important to find someone with the same views on relationships as you have. Differences in other area's can be good (after all opposites can attract) but different views on the workings of a relationship (what each consider cheating, whats ok and whats not in regards to opposite sex friendships etc...) can be disasterous. Its important to have those discussions early in the relationship. Actually its best to have them before the relationship even blossoms. This way neither of you waste each others time and no one gets hurt.

[brightskies]

Women and men can't be "JUST FRIENDS" --- Sure they can but only if thats what both of them actually want. And I also think its difficult if they've slept together. My girlfriend has guy friends. I don't have a problem with her having guy friends. I don't date girls who are friends with exes though. I think that can cause problems. So I avoid those problems by dating people with similar views on relationships as I have.

 

Thats why it's important to find someone with the same views on relationships as you have. Differences in other areas can be good (after all opposites can attract) but different views on the workings of a relationship (what each consider cheating, whats ok and whats not in regards to opposite sex friendships etc...) can be disastrous. Its important to have those discussions early in the relationship. Actually its best to have them before the relationship even blossoms. This way neither of you waste each other's time and no one gets hurt.

 

Sal,

This is excellent advice. Personally, if I were single and out meeting men, I'd hand them a questionnaire to fill out on the first date. But that would probably scare everyone off. When do you bring up this stuff? On the 2nd date? 3rd date? And how do you ask without sounding like the Inquisition?

[Sal Paradise]

Sal,

This is excellent advice. Personally, if I were single and out meeting men, I'd hand them a questionnaire to fill out on the first date. But that would probably scare everyone off. When do you bring up this stuff? On the 2nd date? 3rd date? And how do you ask without sounding like the Inquisition?

 

Well when I was single it depended on the nature of how we met....

 

1) If it was a girl I already knew (either from work or thru a friend etc...) I'd address it in the following way....

 

I'd usually get to know them casually and "feel" them out thru conversations. Bring it up over the course of a discussion regarding past relationships etc. You don't want to be too forward but you also want to understand where they stand with regards to exes etc. In my case I would bring up one of the two exes who cheated on me with an ex bf. I would then say something casually like "Yeah well I learned my lesson, no more relationships with girls who are friends with an ex". And she'd either be put off by it or say "Yeah I totally agree blah blah blah". The worst though is when they say nothing. I usually took no response as a difference in opinion and moved on.

 

2) If its someone I didn't know as well and we exchanged numbers in a social setting and starting dating I would address it in the following way....

 

I would just go with the flow and let the conversation steer me into the answers I sought. The disadvantage in this situation is that you don't have infinate amount of time as you do with someone you run into occasionally as with scenerio 1. The advantage is since you're both there for the same reason under no pretense of it being anything else but a date, you can be a bit more forward. A lot of it comes down to a gut instinct.

 

If the person seems guarded you may want to be more subtle. Afterall you don't want to scare them away with questions regarding people in a committed relationship. In this way it may be easier for a guy than a girl. Overall I found it wasn't that difficult with most girls to let the conversation flow into the relationship topic. With some girls it would take 2 dates but with most I had my answers with the 1st date. Also if you're not clicking with the person from the get go there is no need to bother since you're not going to want to date them long term anyways.

 

So my overall advice is to take it easy. Go with the flow of the conversation. If needed steer it in the direction of relationships. And if necessary don't be afraid of being a little blunt (if you think the person can handle it and won't freak out). Afterall there is no point in either of you wasting each others time if you're not compatible.

 

The biggest thing is to relax and not be overly worried about offending them. If they're easily offended by your opinions or the topic being brought up you're better off without them.

[Chinook]

I have to agree with the guys here. I have a friend who I dated for a short while and we have 'been there' with each other through alot of crap. But just before Christmas, he was getting involved with someone new. We used to talk on the phone, MSN, text and email - ALL THE TIME. Like lots of times a day. When I knew that he was getting into the relationship with his new girl... I backed off. Backed way off. There was never any idea of reconciliation on my part. He just didn't do it for me and I never asked those questions (do you miss me etc). But... what did happen was he would always sign his texts and emails with ILY and then his name. To me, that's definitely not appropriate. I think if I had asked he would have reconciled in a heart beat and only last week, I had to tell him that only as friends did I care for him and his emotional gushings certainly make me uncomfortable so they DEFINITELY make his g/f uncomfortable (even though she hasn't said anything directly). I think the guys here are right, this girl IS disrespecting you - but so is he by not having the balls to sort it out and tell her what is and what is not appropriate now he has his own relationship. When it comes down to it, he has to work out, is he willing to lose you... because that's what the risk is if he doesn't get his ass in gear and sort things out properly. I agree that nothing of this nature should be kept from a partner.

[Guest]

Tell him he breaks contact or you end the relationship.

[aleatoryd]

Oh nameless guests stop over reacting It's something they have to work out and it sounds like OP and her b/f are making progress. Keeping an ex around in a a relationship is one thing but keeping it pricvate no that is wrong. The best solution for either party is space between your b/f and his ex but be wary of making high handed threats like "DO THIS... or it's over". That just gets peoples backs up and ends things.

 

Why? Does it mean he doesn't really love you? No of course that isn't the case but the same righteous people who think he better put you first and ditch everyone around you are also the people who say I can't believe they're trying to contol me, taking my libersty, don't trust me when they are on the receiving end of the same situation.

 

If you push too much then you will push him away because it's almost like I don't trust you around other women. However there is still an issue here - so what you should do is exactly what you thought. Make sure you spend time as a couple with your friends and his. His girl friends should become your friends just as any boy friends you have should become friends with him. When one partner meets up alone with an old flame and keeps in contact it is hard for either person to attain closure.

 

I'd say you need to reach a point where he turns round to you saying "#### is feeling lonely tonight... or this happened to... ####" and he asks you what you think the two of you should write back. Basically both of you support each others friends while minimising how much time he has with his ex's. Feelings only return when encouraged to put an end to that and stop his one on one text dialogue - whether deliberately or not all he achieves is keeping his ex hooked and if he's with you why would he want to do that? All the best wishes and good luck.