Parenting Plans, et al

[Mz. Pixie]

In talking to my counselor about wanting people to find out "the truth" about what my wife was doing outside our marriage, I realized that I wanted people to know to satisy me - so they would know that I was the "good" party, and she was the "bad" party, to reduce it to its most basic black-and-white description. And once I decided for myself that this would not serve any useful purpose other than satisfying me, I was able to let go of needing to do it (and as a matter of fact, here in our small town, it might have been damaging in other ways, so I'm glad I worked that one out...)

 

 

I just think that you need to separate out this desire for authenticity, which is a pure one motivated by your kids' best interest, from another drive that I sense in you from this statement: "I've acquiesced way too often over the years and look where that got me." If any part of wanting to reveal all to the kids is coming from a need to stand up to your wife, that's a motivation that may be distracting you from serving your kids' interests. If you can get to the point where you can truly strip that away, and focus solely on your kids, then great - I know you are pure of heart, but it's a confusing time...

 

 

Bingo!

 

WOW Trimmer!! What a great post. It seems to me you're giving LJ a run for her money!!!

 

C- I'm not hammering you- but rather speaking as one who has been there and done that- and I'm so glad that my exhusband did not blurt out to our kids that I was the one who wanted the divorce etc.

 

Although I'm sure he wanted them to know, and who knows at some point later on he may tell them everything- it really only would have hurt them. This is the way I look at it. The divorce is going to change your kids life as they know it- period. For one parent to throw the other parent under the bus and say they are the one who wants to change it all- it's just not fair. You're certainly not going to sit them down and go into a complete discussion with them at this point like "Well, I was unfaithful early in the marriage and now your mom is being unfaithful" yada yada. I mean both of you did things to end the marriage- are you going to outline for them exactly what everyone did?? Or is it because you feel that her actions are worse than yours??

 

It your situation basically the only difference is that she wants to end the marriage and you don't. You've both made terrible mistakes. The kids are going to pay the price, no doubt, just like mine did, and I just don't think pointing it out would be a good thing.

 

Sure it would make you look better, but it would be at their expense and I wonder a bit if this is not about making you appear as the "good guy" here. I'm not saying you're not- because I personally think you've really really tried here and it definitely sucks that she is giving up and your not- BUT they don't need to be dragged into all of that. Sure it seems unfair to you for the playing field to be level- but although you love your kids, I think it would be terrible for the kids to believe that mommy wants to leave daddy.

 

I'm speaking from the other side of the fence here so you may think that my opinions are bias on that fact. Yet I can tell you if it would have been a reverse situation I still would have done things the same way.

 

Trimmer has been on your side of the fence, and I think he has made some excellent points here. So, if you're not going to listen to me as a FWW, please give his points some consideration. At a later date, if my kids are curious and they are much much older, I won't have a problem telling them what happened- within boundaries.

 

The counselor was right, you're not ready- you're still too raw and angry. Although you've given this a great deal of consideration I think it's a mistake to talk about it before you're prepared.

 

I hope you think carefully about what we've all said and give it prayerful consideration if you're a Believer.

 

I hope you forgive me if you sense I'm being harsh but please truly examine your motivation for wanting to do this as Trimmer stated. I get why you want to do it, and I understand why you feel like you can and should do it, but I think it would be a mistake.

[Taylor23]

Cranium:

 

I haven't posted since January but I've been following your situation since it seems similar to mine (except that you are always a few months ahead of me).

 

I think I am headed down the same road you were on in April and wanted to see what has been happening to you and how your visitation plan has worked out.

 

Thanks.

[cranium]

You have two issues going on here at the same time. Telling the kids is one, but resolving your marriage situation is another related, but separate one. I think that one has to come first: until you resolve the marriage situation, and get to a place where you have resolved it at least factually, i.e. be able to define, agree upon, and accept specifically what is going to happen - even if you still continue to work on it emotionally -that telling the kids will just confuse and mix the issues, and possibly put them right in the middle of an unresolved struggle.

 

Trimmer - with a crystal ball. We have not moved forward with telling the children. Instead, we are taking another look at our marriage. My wife has chosen to stay for awhile. We are revisiting EN's questionnaires and have tentatively agreed to resume MC together.

 

So T23, for the time being we have stopped all discussions of separation and parenting schedules. We are working on some projects around the house and have a short family holiday scheduled next month.

 

Just taking it one day at a time.

[Taylor23]

Thanks for the update. That sounds like about as good as could be hoped for all things considered.

 

It's the up and down that drives me crazy. I wouldn't have thought being married (and staying married) would be this hard.

[Trimmer]

Oh, I am so glad to hear this. One day at a time, one step at at time, and don't forget to enjoy the good ones (moments, steps, days, laughs) along the way... You have my very best wishes. Good luck.