Am I bad mother?

[Jennipoo]

Hello - After much searching I've decided to post my 'situation' here and gawd knows I'm in desperate

need of some realistic POV and advice. :|

 

I'd met my husband approx 8 years ago, when my youngest son was nearly 2. (I've 3 boys - and they're not his.)

Geez, I don't know where or how to start ...

 

Things were great between he and I for the most part until we got married, he didn't sweat the 'little things' (like

someone forgetting to turn a darn light off, etc) he seldom if ever swore/spoke vulgar and always seemed interested

in spending time with us.

 

Shortly before we got married in 2000 he did show signs of growing rather impatient and short with me/us off and on,

though I assumed it wasn't anything to worry about and would pass.

 

As time progressed, we'd stopped talking, things had grown ugly and unfortunately I felt he'd grown really jealous of

the kids.

 

Let me skip to the here and now ...

 

He usually comes home late (meaning 10pm - 2am) as he tried hard to find reasons and things to do to keep him 'elsewhere'.

Sometimes he doesn't come home at all, offers no excuse and I don't bother asking for one anymore, because I don't feel

that I have the energy to be bothered with it any longer.

I've caught him on a few occasions talking with a woman on the phone (his cell), sometimes he'll go into the washroom and

close the door or just sit outside in his truck and talk there.

 

9 times out of 10 if the kids are awake he *must* find something to growl at them about, by growling I mean putting them

down, implying they're inept, can't do anything right, etc etc, and every second word is f***. He's very loud and goes on

for ages ... usually it's over little thngs like a light being left on, jackets being on the floor and so on.

 

There hasn't been a day to go by in ages that he hasn't called me a f'ing c**t, for things such as leaving the salt

shaker on the counter instead of putting it on the table next to the pepper and again, I've given up and hardly say

anything anymore - in hopes he too will stop since no one is argueing back, but it doesn't work.

 

He locks the bedroom door every night and always, I just pick it with the q-tip.

 

I could go on and on as you can imagine, bottom line is he really doesn't seem to like/love me any longer and the feeling

seems to be mutual I'm afraid.

 

I hate like hell making the kids go through the bickering, the insults, etc over and over and over and it really seems to

be takin a toll on the youngest it seems. He's aggresive at times, angry and cries very easily.

My oldest son just turned 16 and can't recall the last time he saw him smile, talk kind or such.

 

I'm always trying to attempt a conversation somehow as if there isn't any tension, whether it's how was your day or I had

a dentist appointment today, how's my smile ... ALWAYS - the reply is the same regardless ' don't f'ing matter to me whatcha do'

or 'go tell your f'ing boyfriend about it, isn't my problem'. Never a kidn word and I can hardly stand it anymore.

 

We've a house that I'd likely be able to keep myself as he hates the area, however, I fear that I'd not be able to make

ends meet on ym income alone and I don't wanna give the house up. I know people say that money/materialistic stuff

isn't important, but hell, they need a place to live and I can't raise them on love alone - so what do I do? I need out,

if not for my own sanity, definately that of my kids.

 

If I tell him to go, it's likely just a matter of time before I have to give the house up anyway, and for as long

as I do this (it honestly embarrasses me to say this) the mortgage gets paid. Some days I hardly see him at all, so it

makes it easier to live with, ya know?

 

The counselling thing he will *not* do, he's made that clear.

 

I hope I've said enough to get the situation across, I welcome any advice as I just don't know what my options are anymore.

 

Thanks, Jennifer