Am I a bad mother?

[Jennipoo]

Hello - After much searching I've decided to post my 'situation' here and gawd knows I'm in desperate

need of some realistic POV and advice. :|

 

I'd met my husband approx 8 years ago, when my youngest son was nearly 2. (I've 3 boys - and they're not his.)

Geez, I don't know where or how to start ...

 

Things were great between he and I for the most part until we got married, he didn't sweat the 'little things' (like

someone forgetting to turn a darn light off, etc) he seldom if ever swore/spoke vulgar and always seemed interested

in spending time with us.

 

Shortly before we got married in 2000 he did show signs of growing rather impatient and short with me/us off and on,

though I assumed it wasn't anything to worry about and would pass.

 

As time progressed, we'd stopped talking, things had grown ugly and unfortunately I felt he'd grown really jealous of

the kids.

 

Let me skip to the here and now ...

 

He usually comes home late (meaning 10pm - 2am) as he tried hard to find reasons and things to do to keep him 'elsewhere'.

Sometimes he doesn't come home at all, offers no excuse and I don't bother asking for one anymore, because I don't feel

that I have the energy to be bothered with it any longer.

I've caught him on a few occasions talking with a woman on the phone (his cell), sometimes he'll go into the washroom and

close the door or just sit outside in his truck and talk there.

 

9 times out of 10 if the kids are awake he *must* find something to growl at them about, by growling I mean putting them

down, implying they're inept, can't do anything right, etc etc, and every second word is f***. He's very loud and goes on

for ages ... usually it's over little thngs like a light being left on, jackets being on the floor and so on.

 

There hasn't been a day to go by in ages that he hasn't called me a f'ing c**t, for things such as leaving the salt

shaker on the counter instead of putting it on the table next to the pepper and again, I've given up and hardly say

anything anymore - in hopes he too will stop since no one is argueing back, but it doesn't work.

 

He locks the bedroom door every night and always, I just pick it with the q-tip.

 

I could go on and on as you can imagine, bottom line is he really doesn't seem to like/love me any longer and the feeling

seems to be mutual I'm afraid.

 

I hate like hell making the kids go through the bickering, the insults, etc over and over and over and it really seems to

be takin a toll on the youngest it seems. He's aggresive at times, angry and cries very easily.

My oldest son just turned 16 and can't recall the last time he saw him smile, talk kind or such.

 

I'm always trying to attempt a conversation somehow as if there isn't any tension, whether it's how was your day or I had

a dentist appointment today, how's my smile ... ALWAYS - the reply is the same regardless ' don't f'ing matter to me whatcha do'

or 'go tell your f'ing boyfriend about it, isn't my problem'. Never a kidn word and I can hardly stand it anymore.

 

We've a house that I'd likely be able to keep myself as he hates the area, however, I fear that I'd not be able to make

ends meet on ym income alone and I don't wanna give the house up. I know people say that money/materialistic stuff

isn't important, but hell, they need a place to live and I can't raise them on love alone - so what do I do? I need out,

if not for my own sanity, definately that of my kids.

 

If I tell him to go, it's likely just a matter of time before I have to give the house up anyway, and for as long

as I do this (it honestly embarrasses me to say this) the mortgage gets paid. Some days I hardly see him at all, so it

makes it easier to live with, ya know?

 

The counselling thing he will *not* do, he's made that clear.

 

I hope I've said enough to get the situation across, I welcome any advice as I just don't know what my options are anymore.

 

Thanks, Jennifer

[Ladyjane14]

Where is the natural father of these children? Does he not pay anything for their support?

 

Your situation sounds emotionally abusive, not just for you but for the kids as well. These kids are watching and listening to what's going on in their home. They're getting some REALLY negative messages about family relationships. It will affect how they treat their own wives and children someday.

 

I have to wonder if the abuse in the house outweighs the value of having it. I think if it were me, I'd start making plans to leave the marriage. You might start by seeing a financial planner or even an attorney to find creative ways to manage on your own.

 

The only way the marriage could be salvaged is if your husband was willing to address his own poor behavior. And from your post, it doesn't sound like he has much interest in doing so.

[Lishy]

I am going to hand out some tough advice here and I apologise in advance incase I upset you .....

 

You are NOT protecting your children and this as a mother is your first priority, they will end up hating YOU more than the pig you are married to! I am sure if you asked your poor kids wether they wanted to live in that house and stay with him or move without him they would choose the latter every time! What does a house matter?

 

Your husband is a bully thug with a foul mouth and he does not deserve the air he breathes for being so beastly! I bet there is a ton of stuff you have not mentioned here, just from what you said makes me want to come and take your children to a place they could be happy! They will be happy wherever they live as long as they are with YOU and not HIM!

 

Get out ..... Get the hell out and dont look back.

 

Protect your kids and dont turn them into replicas of him. They will treat women the way he treats you and they will have not resepct for you at all if you stay in this vile life you are living!

[Jennipoo]

Where is the natural father of these children? Does he not pay anything for their support?

 

Your situation sounds emotionally abusive, not just for you but for the kids as well. These kids are watching and listening to what's going on in their home. They're getting some REALLY negative messages about family relationships. It will affect how they treat their own wives and children someday.

 

I have to wonder if the abuse in the house outweighs the value of having it. I think if it were me, I'd start making plans to leave the marriage. You might start by seeing a financial planner or even an attorney to find creative ways to manage on your own.

 

The only way the marriage could be salvaged is if your husband was willing to address his own poor behavior. And from your post, it doesn't sound like he has much interest in doing so.

 

Hi LadyJane14,

 

Thanks for the reply. The father does pay support, though it isn't a great amount.

 

And you're right, he has no desire to change anything, regardless of what I, or anyone else says for that matter. I wish I know how it really got this way, ya know?

 

As for one outweighing the other like you'd mentioned, you're so right I understand that - money mney money is always such a darn issure it seems. To stay or to go - it'll cost no matter what.

[Jennipoo]

I am going to hand out some tough advice here and I apologise in advance incase I upset you .....

 

You are NOT protecting your children and this as a mother is your first priority, they will end up hating YOU more than the pig you are married to! I am sure if you asked your poor kids wether they wanted to live in that house and stay with him or move without him they would choose the latter every time! What does a house matter?

 

Your husband is a bully thug with a foul mouth and he does not deserve the air he breathes for being so beastly! I bet there is a ton of stuff you have not mentioned here, just from what you said makes me want to come and take your children to a place they could be happy! They will be happy wherever they live as long as they are with YOU and not HIM!

 

Get out ..... Get the hell out and dont look back.

 

Protect your kids and dont turn them into replicas of him. They will treat women the way he treats you and they will have not resepct for you at all if you stay in this vile life you are living!

 

Lishy,

 

I don't mind the 'toughness' it's why i'm here, I appreciate you taking the time to respond honestly.

 

I do feel that I'm failing them as a mother, I'll be the first to admit it. I keep trying to discuss various things with them, but it's so hard not knowinf exactly where to draw the line. But I can't just ignore and not talk about anything either. Like I've been saying over and over, I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Just feels that it's equally as wrong for them to be witnessing this crap as it is to wonder where they'll be sleeping or eating.

 

I've taken the time to figure out just how much I'd need in order to make ends meet and have come to the conclusion that I'm definately in arrears of just less then half. Grr!

 

Sometimes I feel as though he's just waiting for me to give him the word ...

 

Jennifer

[Ladyjane14]

The only other thought that I have for you is to give your health insurance company a call and see if you have benefits available for individual counseling.

 

It sounds like you could use some support for one thing. You'd be surprise how much clarity you'll gain just by having someone to talk to about this in detail. You might even come out with a few ideas on what to do next or how to defuse some of the current conflict.

[Jennipoo]

The only other thought that I have for you is to give your health insurance company a call and see if you have benefits available for individual counseling.

 

It sounds like you could use some support for one thing. You'd be surprise how much clarity you'll gain just by having someone to talk to about this in detail. You might even come out with a few ideas on what to do next or how to defuse some of the current conflict.

 

Excellent idea, thank you ... that's something I'll look into first thing Tuesday morning. (Mondays a holiday!)

[justagirliegirl]

Please get out. You and your kids are being abused. Staying will cause them emotional damage that may take years to fix if ever.

 

As for money, get help from a friend, relative, or a domestic violence shelter.

 

I find it interesting when I read on here how relatively easily people end marriages and relationships on here when "they" have had enough. The money and other things don't seem to matter all that much when they want out.

 

Please make arrangements to leave. It is your job to protect these kids and you are failing.

[Jennipoo]

Please get out. You and your kids are being abused. Staying will cause them emotional damage that may take years to fix if ever.

 

As for money, get help from a friend, relative, or a domestic violence shelter.

 

I find it interesting when I read on here how relatively easily people end marriages and relationships on here when "they" have had enough. The money and other things don't seem to matter all that much when they want out.

 

Please make arrangements to leave. It is your job to protect these kids and you are failing.

 

Hi justagirliegirl,

 

While I understand what you're trying to tell me, please know that I'm just as serious about wanting out as the next person, but for people to suggest that the house shouldn't matter - well, they do need a place to live after all.

 

I want him to leave, bottom line. I just worry about gradually having to give the house up. And if it isn't this house, then it's the apartment/duplex that I can't afford, do you see what I mean? I'm really trying now to find additional work or just *something* that'll help financially, it justisn't that easy.

If I walk away from the house, the odds of me ever getting another are slim to none. I just wish there was an easier answer.

 

I do know I should just GO, period.

 

Jennifer