Didn't know where to put this...

[Babel]

I really didn't know where to put this, it doesn't really fit with any of the forum titles here so I just picked the one that was the closest to what is/was/and probably will keep taking place with me and my relationship. I'm sure some of you will condemn me and tell me I should just move on, and that’s advice I've heard before. I hope I can make those that would condemn me understand why I don't think I can do that, but I'll probably won't be able to convince everyone and I'm ok with that.

 

I guess the best way to start out would be to tell you my story and how I got to the point in my life where I'd rather ask advice from people I don't even know, rather then friends and family. I'm 26 now, married, and no kids. My wife and I got married at a very young age, 19 for me and 18 for her. Too young now that I look back at it. I also don't think we got married for the right reasons either. See my family is very religious and both my fiancé and I where going to the same school. This school, however, had no dorms. You where required to find your own residence. When we started looking it soon came apparent then we could not two apartments and we'd have to get one together. This is where the problem came up with my family. I was strictly forbidden from moving in with this girl, and since all my college money was all under the control of my mother, I couldn't really argue the point. So we decided to move our wedding up to summer before our first year of college. I'd have probably let the engagement last a little longer to make sure, but I didn't see any other way to get around the situation that had been thrown on me.

 

Now I want to stop here and just say that when I got married and in fact all my life before that I didn't believe in things like True Love and Soul Mates and things of that nature. I figured that when you found the person that you could get along with, and you found sexually appealing and that you can maintain a stable relationship then you should marry that person. I never thought there was some person I was destined to be with the rest of my life or anything like that. That changed later on, but that's really part of this story.

 

So we got married and it was pretty good for the first six months. We were really living off my saved up money and my wife had found a job. (My Schoolwork load was very heavy and I had decided to only work in the summer months.) As a going to school gift my mother got us a year of Internet access to help with schoolwork. I had never had the Internet before this, I had used it at friend’s house and at school, but we never had it at home. My wife has Internet so it was nothing big for her. So I got on there and started to explore. I soon stumbled on a fan site for a cartoon and toyline called "Transformers" I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it, but I'm sure some haven’t. Anyway, I had grew up with his show and found the site a lot of fun. I ventured on to their message board and started talking to other fans of the show and toys.

 

And this is where I met her. I'm just going to call her "Her" for this cause her Screen Name is actually more well known then her real name. Anyway, she had ventured to the sight cause she was a fan of an actor who was doing voice work on the current version of this TV show. We hit it off pretty well and became fast friends. By Feb of the next year we where almost inseperete and she had become my closest friend. This is where I figure most people will condemn me. They'll ask what I was doing talking to this girl when I was married. But it really did just start as friends. And I also want to take this time to say that I never have/am/or ever will cheat on my wife. I'm just not built that way; I would only sleep with another woman if I were no longer with my wife. I just want to make that clear before I go on here.

 

Also during this time my wife had also discovered message board and had also started to talk to another man, but like me she never cheated on me with this man. We have both remained faithful through this whole ordeal.

 

Anyway this went on for another year or so, with me talking to this girl almost daily, sometimes all night in fact and I started having real feelings for this girl, but I couldn't act on it and I didn't know how she felt about the whole thing. I had made it a point to tell her I was married from almost the beginning. I didn't want her to think that by my talking to her, that I was some how looking for an affair or something like that. So I buried my feelings, I mean there wasn't anything I could really do about it anywise. Then I get an email from this woman I had been talking to and she asks me to check a forum at a board she owned. Only her and me had access to it and would often use it to arrange times and Instant Messenger names for talking to each other. We were both pretty popular people at these board and lot of people would want to talk to both of us, so if we came on AOL people would flood us with IM and we wouldn't get to talk to each other. So we did this and set up names that only the other knew.

 

So I check this forum and there is a message that they’re that has nothing to do with Instant Messenger names. I read it and she dropped a bombshell on me. She told me that she had also started to develop feelings for me as well and that she had fallen in love with me. I didn't know what to say...There was a part of me that wanted to tell her that I had also fallen in love with her. And yet another part wanted to tell her it could never be, I was married and she should forget all about me. I ended up with something in the middle; I told her that I had been having feelings for her but that I didn't think we should follow through with them. Afterwards I realized that my first feeling were probably what I should have said. I don't know what implications they would have had, but I think I should have said them.

 

Oddly enough this wasn't the end of us talking, in fact thing kept on pretty much normal for awhile longer. Then she asked what I'd think about meeting. See she lives in Southern Texas, and I live in Southern Missouri. I said I was ok with the idea and so we set up a date to meet. She would come to see me, as me coming to her was almost impossible. Now my wife came with when I met her, cause we were meeting as friends, not on like a date or anything of the like. We met her and we hung out for awhile, and then we hit a local mall to do some shopping and some how we lost her. She had wandered off and we got separated in the mall. It was a huge mall and she had never been to it before and we hadn't set up a meeting place if we did get separated. Needless to say instead of spending the rest of the time with her, I spent it searching the mall for her. Finally I gave up and went to the car where I found a note telling me she had gone back to the Bus Station to go back home. The whole thing had been one big disaster and so I just went home.

 

The next day we talked and cleared it all up and after a few angry words between the two of us, it was soon smoothed over and things went back to the way it was for another year, and then we decided to try it again. This time my wife decided not to come along, which was kind of a blessing, as they two of them never said a word to each other. Again she would come to me as I was rather short on money and making the trip is rather expensive. This time it went much better and at the end of the day she said she was just going to stay the night in a hotel before heading back home the next day. It's a little sticky here...She asked me to stay the night with her. Now, I don't exactly know what she meant by this. I don't know if she expected us to sleep together or not. Later on she said that wasn't her motive and that she just wanted to spend the next day with me as well. That's backed up by the fact that she was actually on her period at the time as well. I don't know abut you but I wouldn't like my first time with someone to be when they where on their period. Anyway I guess it doesn't matter cause I told her I couldn't and I needed to get back home, and I left.

 

It as after this that I finally admitted to myself that I really was in love with this woman, and I didn't know what I was going to do. What I did know is that I wanted to visit her and I told her so a few days later. I told her I'd have to save up for the trip as it would be rather expensive and I didn't like Credit Cards and thus didn't own one I could just charge it on (Which is what she had done when she came to see me.) It was during this time that I seemed to have a run of very bad luck. I'd save up some money and then something would happen. A modem got fried and I had to dip into the trip fund to get it fixed, then the power supply went out and again I had to use the money from the fund to pay for the repairs. It seems every time I'd get close to my goal something would happen to make sure that I didn't get to go. Needless to say she got a little impatient with me and even though I was telling her the truth, I got the impression that she didn't believe me. Soon she had become very angry with me and we were fighting a lot. So we stopped talking and she started becoming abusive towards me on the message boards we both went too. Also around this time my grandmother died and between this and her abuse towards me I just said I had had enough and basically stopped going to any boards where I'd run into her, stopped trying to email her, and cut off all contact with her.

 

I went through the typical cycle of anger, denial, and acceptance. And after all that was over, I felt pretty empty and had some bad bouts with depression and panic attacks. I also fell into a limbo about what I wanted to really do with my life. I was really lost. In fact I chalk it up as the single worst year of my life. I know I'm a a little young to be saying that, but that's really how it felt.

 

It wasn't until a friend of mine became a writer that I saw something that I thought I could do. I had always been a creative guy and soon I decided that writing is what I wanted too as well. I took it up and had finished the first draft of a full-length novel only 2 months later. Things seemed to getting better for me and of course I wanted to boast. I wanted to go to her and say "Look how good I'm going since I left." and so I returned to her message board almost a year and half after I left. This brilliant plan (sarcasm intended) of course backfired. It turns out in my absence she had also set on a path to become a writer. I was a little shocked by this, as she gave me no clue that's what she wanted to do in the time I knew her. I had also given her no indication to her that's what I wanted to do. Anyway be started to talk about out projects and it just seemed like old times again. Only this time she'd go from talking to me like nothing happened, to being very cold towards me and she has been bouncing back and forth between the two. What's worse though is the feelings for her that I thought I had shed have started to reappear. See how I said this plan backfired. Now I'm at a real loss on what I should do here.

[CaliGuy]

It belongs in the 'cheating' profile even though you've never been physical with her.

 

I can't say much other than I feel you're giving a part of you that is exclusive to your wife. And if you can't give your wife 100% then perhaps she deserves a chance to try with someone else.

 

Think about it. If the roles were reversed and you knew your wife felt this way about someone else how would you feel?

[shelters]

Eeesh. I feel badly for your wife. Sounds like you need to let one or both of these women go because giving only pieces of yourself to each is hurting them both.

[Babel]

Well I could have done without the first couple of lines, but hell I was expecting that before I posted. Judge, Jury, and execttioner. No one can beat me up about it anymore then I've beaten myself up over it. The real answer is I should have put it under Separation and Divorce, since that's what I feel is the probably going to be the end result of all of this.

 

And the roles have been reversed, and I know it didn't feel very good. The only thing that saved us from divorce was the fact that we were too poor to pay for the lawyers. Course that didn't feel as bad when she tried to leave because we couldn't make the payment on her Jeep she just had to have. Has nothing to do with love or anything of the sort. Came down to the all mighty dollar. Isn't that lovely? But you know in the end we decided to try to work it out, but I have a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" feeling about the whole thing.

 

The truth of it all is that I didn't really post this for some pseudo touchy-feely sage like advice from someone that thinks they understand. Cause I don't think anyone can understand what's going on in my mind and my heart. I'm not trying to understand it all and "Be a better man." it's too late for any of that nonsense. I think I just posted it cause I had to tell someone. I kept in for a long time and that kinda stuff just rots your belly out. But if someone wants to give me some non-preachy advice, I'd listen, but I don't think that's why I felt I had to write all that out.

[CaliGuy]

Well I could have done without the first couple of lines, but hell I was expecting that before I posted. Judge, Jury, and execttioner. No one can beat me up about it anymore then I've beaten myself up over it. The real answer is I should have put it under Separation and Divorce, since that's what I feel is the probably going to be the end result of all of this.

 

And the roles have been reversed, and I know it didn't feel very good. The only thing that saved us from divorce was the fact that we were too poor to pay for the lawyers. Course that didn't feel as bad when she tried to leave because we couldn't make the payment on her Jeep she just had to have. Has nothing to do with love or anything of the sort. Came down to the all mighty dollar. Isn't that lovely? But you know in the end we decided to try to work it out, but I have a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" feeling about the whole thing.

 

The truth of it all is that I didn't really post this for some pseudo touchy-feely sage like advice from someone that thinks they understand. Cause I don't think anyone can understand what's going on in my mind and my heart. I'm not trying to understand it all and "Be a better man." it's too late for any of that nonsense. I think I just posted it cause I had to tell someone. I kept in for a long time and that kinda stuff just rots your belly out. But if someone wants to give me some non-preachy advice, I'd listen, but I don't think that's why I felt I had to write all that out.

Non preachy advice? Umm, at this point any advice is going to seem preachy to you.

 

My advice, get a divorce if you are not 100% committed to your partner and vice versa.

 

All the preaching in the world will most likely end up with the same result. You're not giving your all, she isn't either (though it'd be nice to hear her part of the story), so what's the point?

 

What do advice do you want? Something to hold you together or push you apart?

 

Go read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. David Dobson. All the advice you need in the world is in that book.

[Sand&Water]

Babel

 

Preachy or non-preachy advice at this stage, will not "wake the demons from their sleeping ground" in your situation. Just have a thinking, play it or delete it.

 

As much as you'd like to believe, that conversation via internet is fruitful and realistic as can be, the undertones only surface when the person chooses to reveal them. Although you've talked to this woman for quite a long time, this does not mean that you've fully accepted the good, the bad, and the lovey dovey sides to her.

 

You say that you've met her on two separate occasions. Yet, both times, something didn't go as planned, and neither of you seemed to have found easiness and comfort with each other.

 

You haven't gone on any dates with her, nor seen any of her moods on a daily basis. You haven't spent quality time, one on one, with each other to say that your a true match.

 

At this stage, I think you've allowed yourself to develop infactuated thoughts/ideas/traits of her. Suppose that you do get the chance to spend time with her, and engage in a relationship, will she run out on you then?

 

This situation may seem to be forward, friendly, and lovey dovey but there is no guarantee that it'll hold strong in reality.