Upside down relationship

[Angel]

Let me start by saying that I love my husband very much. We do not argue (except about politics and lead a very calm life. Second marriage for both. Both of us have grown children (except he still has a 14 year old that lives with the mom). We have been married for two years.

 

The relationship is upside down. I bring in most of the money. I've owned the home for over 20 years and is worth close to a million dollars and I have worked very hard all my life. I have a good retirement and have other investments. (He brought no assets into the relationship, so I made sure I have a prenup.)

 

So what is happening? I think I am regretting having married him.

 

#1I have to give up my house every other weekend (he doesn't want me smoking in front of the 14 year old so I leave the house for the day when he is here).

#2 He brings in maybe one third of what it takes to run the household.

#3 He has to live on a shoestring to do anything a little extravagant.

#4 If I want to go out to eat, (which we don't do often) I pay for both of us 90% of the time.

#5 When we go out, he buys me wine, but no dinner. I can choose dinner or wine (Not said, but implied)

#6 I ask for nothing except his love. But I would enjoy a more equal relationship and to feel like a wife.

#6 I am not used to this. I don't want to embarrass him, but I don't know what to do.

 

I guess what really bothers me is that he just has barely enough to cover his costs-----and I don't feel "taken care of". I don't need diamond rings and furs, I just need to know that he can feed me---I need him to be my hero. I don't mind paying my fair share, but I feel like I am supporting him

 

I feel like I am the head of the house and I would like either an equal partnership or one where the MAN IS THE MAN. I am not a women's libber. I am a soft-spoken loving wife. But this feels horrible.

 

The prenup was done out of fear not selfishness.

[zarathustra]

Wow, we have almost the same h, except mine brings in 1/2 what I make. I put the down on our house and we share the expenses 1/2, 1/2 up until I left. Now he's paying all the expenses and claim that I have subsidized living. Nice, eh?

 

He used to belittle how I made my money too. That it was from luck and not hard work. I took some large risks that really paid off.

 

No prenup for me, I didn't have as much an didn't think that I would feel taken for granted financially, but I do. You were smart to do so and not selfish at all to look after your interests.

[Angel]

Are you divorced/separated?

 

My husband doesn't belittle me. He is a very sweet man, but I feel guilty about having what I do. Like I am a bad person for not wanting to give someone what I worked all my life to have.

[justagirliegirl]

No offense Angel but what is the problem?

 

You knew these things going in.

 

Maybe you should make a long list of everything you are grateful for and what is good about your husband and read it every day.

 

You could have it much much worse. He could be cheating on you, abusive, a druggie, gambling addict, or something just as bad.

[Guest]

It seems you are wrestling with societal expectations for a man/woman partnership.

 

The man is supposed to be the primary breadwinner and head of the household.

 

The woman is supposed to be the nurturer and the 'heart' of the household.

 

But think how unhappy you'd be if the following were true;

 

1. You never were allowed to have a good career because, after all, you're 'only' a woman

 

2. You never believed you could learn to invest wisely because after all, women 'don't have a head for figures'.

 

3. You wouldn't have re-married because nobody wants 'damaged goods'

 

 

Sad to say, a century or so ago a lot of these outrageous statements would have been accepted as the gospel truth!

 

 

So be grateful for the fact that you had the opportunities to do many things once considered 'manly'.

 

Does your husband think you are less than feminine because you are a good wage earner and have substantial income? I would hope not.

 

Just as we need to accept that women can do many things once relegated to the man's world, we also need to accept that some men are not going to pursue high-income careers. Some men are going to have different value systems. Not all men are alpha-male types who act aggressive.

 

Think about why you married your husband. Think about all the qualities you enjoy and adore.

Try to accept him for who he is. At this stage in the game, do you really think he is going to change?

 

If the inequality in income really bothers you that much, you may consider talking it through with a therapist to determine why it does.

 

It would be a shame to lose a fine relationship (there are so many bad ones out there!) over something like money.

[Outcast]

I feel like I am the head of the house and I would like either an equal partnership or one where the MAN IS THE MAN.

 

And how, exactly, did you manage to marry him without realizing this would be your life? You even had a prenup so you can't pretend you didn't realize what you were getting into.

 

Clearly you don't love him since you measure his worth in dollars. I feel sorry for the poor guy.

[zarathustra]

We were separated last summer. We've been back together for 4 months. I told him that I felt belittled with some of the things he said and he agreed that he would not do that anymore. I raised my concerns about the finances and he is now taking more responsibilities. Though he has said once that he's subsidizing my life.

 

My H is a really nice man, but I felt so taken for granted. We had other issues too. If it is about the money, talk to him. Its a tough subject to broach. He may feel hurt about it too. Does he do anything that is non financial that makes you feel 'taken care of'?

 

Would you be happy if he were to take you out, pay all expenses if it was to go to less expensive places where he can afford to pay for everything?

 

There are certain things that you may need that makes you feel good being in the relationship. What may those things be? The question is, does your H meet them? I'm working on seeing if my H can fulfill the emotional needs that I have and if I have the ability/desire to fulfill his. If we could fulfill each others' needs then maybe we'll have a good chance at succeeding.

[JadeStar]

In reference to #1 "I have to give up my house every other weekend (he doesn't want me smoking infront of the 14 year old, so I leave the house for the day when he is here."

 

I'm sorry but I don't get that one. You said it was YOUR house, well ya'lls now that you're married, but YOURS to begin with, and you shouldn't have to leave your own home just to smoke. Go outside when you smoke. I do, and I have 2 kids. Is he wanting to protect his son in the sense that he doesn't want him to smoke? Well, reguardless of wheather thats the case or not, hes 14, later in life it will be his choice to smoke or not, and just him not seeing you do it doesn't mean he will or wont himself.

 

You say all you want to do is love him, but you're complaining about his money situation. I understand maybe you feel taken for granted by him not paying for certain things etc, but is it perhaps he doesn't have or make the money you do? Have you talked with him on the matter? If so what has he said? If he treats you good, is there for you, loyal to you, helps you, cares for you etc, I think the whole money situation is probably not that big of a deal. Maybe its the fact he doesn't meet your standards as far as making the money you do.

 

 

 

Jade

[Art_Critic]

I'm curious as to why you feel the relationship is " upside down" ?

 

Are you saying that if the roles were reversed and he was paying for most of everything that you would be okay with that ?

 

I think in the beginning that the feeling of the male being the bread winner and bringing home the bacon wasn't what you needed and now you do..

 

You are desiring to be taken care of and want him to step up to the plate..

 

But... when you married him things were as they are now and if they are not going to change then you need to just suck it up.. you have a prenup and he is your husband...

 

As far as leaving the house when his son is there..That is crazy..

He is straight out being an ass to you about it.

You either need to tell him how leaving makes you feel and go outside to smoke or you need to stop smoking..

If I were you I wouldn't leave the house.. just talk with him about how you feel.

 

After all your are his Step Mom and he is your Step Son.. smoking around a child we all know is unhealthy for their lungs so I see his point about not smoking around him but you don't need to leave the house

[Pink_Tulip]

I agree with everyone about leaving the house, that is absurd. Smoke outside, but to leave your HOME? I don't think so.

 

I don't think these issues are about money. There has got to be something else that is bothering you and you are focusing on the money.

 

You said you 'don't feel taken care of.' I would be willing to bet he isn't meeting some emotional need, so you don't feel taken care of emotionally. But you are focusing on his lack of income as to why he can't take care of you the way you feel he should.

 

Or maybe he is too passive or something? You say he is a 'sweet man.' That usually implies that he is a 'whatever' guy, meaning you call the shots and his typical response is 'whatever you want.' This seems really great in the beginning, but most women want a more stereotypical 'man' who likes to be in charge, at least some of the time. It makes us feel protected. It has nothing to do with money.

 

I think you need to do some soul searching and find out what is at the root of these feelings so you can deal with it. Good luck.

[Curmudgeon]

And I agree with you, especially since the man was a known quantity before the marriage took place.

 

It's kinda funny. My wife refers to me as her hero even though we both made about the same amount of money when we married. Take out the child and spousal support I was paying and our net incomes were virtually identical. My wife retired three years ago and I still work so my income is now considerably greater than hers but I still consider us equal partners. What WE have is ours, not either one of ours. I think they call that a partnership.