Online Dating?

[aleatoryd]

Hi

 

I don't normally sign up for online forums - but then again I don't normally join online dating websites! So let me first explain the scenario. I am a single "mature" final year student at University. For reasons of possibly boredom, loneliness or desperateness - hey take your pick! I signed up for a FREE trial on an online dating website. I know what you're thinking - loser or those things don't work.

 

Well I quickly came to that conclusion myself and wasn't going to bother doing anything. I mean I wrote an honest profile (about me etc no fake alias etc LOL) and I admit I did what most guys would do I searched out all the profiles of girls fitting my pseudo-requirements. Well only one of the profiles caught my eye.

 

Now in reality Im' the shy nice guy who has lots of friends (male and female) and am usually at the center of the party - the socialiser, organiser, fun guy that most people like. But reality is I've been pretty much single most of my life and always end up meeting girls I connect with that I think might go somewhere but I end up trapped in the "friendship" zone and it all goes pear shaped (wrong).

 

So anyway, seeing an interesting profile - attractive, nice, friendly, caring woman. I'm not really that shallow so to be honest the picture on her profile just shows a cute looking woman with a nice smile - no body shots or anything provocative. I sometimes wonder how there are so many nice girls out there single. I'm not the kind of guy who gets his hopes up - I'm usually laid back and relaxed about things, which is maybe why I'm only just leaving University!

 

For reasons I can't explain I acted out of character and sent her a message that I was a bored student who signed up for a free trial because I'm a cheap student. I reiterated the point as well! Anyway I randomly argued with her over something she had written. I suppose in hindsight my message was a defensive measure - rather than writing anything deep (or indeed scary!) I was fairly superficial and cocky. Which is so not how I really am.

 

I even said in my message that she could block me and I'm only a trial member so I'd be expiring eventually. To my surprise she replied and said "...What are you studying? I admire your use of the apostrophe. I'm fed up of getting emails from people who don't know how to use it! It's a real turn off! Rant over! :-) " Well that wasn't what I expected but I replied telling her about my course (including detailing the reasons behind my extended stay in education which probably wouldn't impress anyone).

 

I ended the message with a sarcastic "As they say in showbiz I'll be here until ## after which they terminate me!"

 

Her next reply was basically "Hi - since you will be leaving this site feel free to email me at ########## Not sure if there will be a grat romance but you are certainly the most interesting person to have emailed me." She also asked me some questions. I replied by sarcastically asking what a "grat" relationship was. (She replied that it involves annuity LOL! Look GRAT up on a search engine).

 

So now I've since e-mailed her answering her questions and she answered some but not all of mine. Interestingly enough she didn't actually answer the questions she "set" me. Now I really don't do these OD/e-mail things... well I don't really do relationships. Only thing is I think I really like her now but as I said above my real life relationships always start off great but enter a friend zone or the girl seems to lose interest.

 

I don't want this to happen again but given the added complexity of it being currently all in the wonderful world of cyberspace - and I'm realistic to know that not only are there big differences but people act differently one-one online than they do in real life. In the real world we tend to be wary and concerned with what other people - peers, work colleagues, well anyone really - thinks about what we do.

 

Being British, over here we sometimes tend to be emotionally reserved at least that seems to be my experience of where I've lived. Anyhow I'm skirting around the "issues" here. There aren't so much any problems - I hope that it’s too early for me to have messed up. Writing this asking for advice is my meagre attempt to avoid this going badly and maybe gently steer this towards something better.

 

Oh yeah… she asked me to e-mail her pictures of me. I don’t normally put images of myself online – my low self esteem! So basically she had replied to my photo-less online profile. Her last e-mail said that I wasn’t to worry that they hadn’t scared her off!

 

Okay I sense this could be the start of a series of postings - I “surfed” this site and decided that for once folks on here appeared “normal”, friendly and constructively helpful advice – I’m looking for the same please!

 

The woman is a paid up member of this dating website and I suspect that she must get a lot of post. She’s older than me but I don’t know how much older. I’m 25 and fell into the 21-25 category and she was in the 26-30. She actually asked my age but I didn’t ask her as I was always told that is a taboo subject with women. I have no problems with any age difference as it’s unlikely to be much. So the thing is that I guess from this point on I’m competing with far better rivals for a very nice young woman as is the nature of online dating sites.

 

I possibly have the advantage of having her e-mail address but I don’t know that is unique or important.

 

I’m really sorry I don’t have specific question – I don’t know exactly what to say. I guess I really wanted to know what people on here think I should do to progress this and not be boring or ruin it or indeed get carried away and put too much pressure on.

 

Rather stupidly I sent her a message today wishing her a happy Easter (Happy Easter to anyone reading this!) and saying because my trial was running out that I was really glad to meet her and that it’d made the whole experiment worth it.

 

I said I didn’t believe things happen by accident and that I had a good feeling. Only thing is maybe I was coming on a bit strongly. I also made myself a little vulnerable by revealing that I was new to this sort of thing and unsure about how to go about things – I can be rather pessimistic. I’m sure people are screaming that I’m an idiot right now when reading this.

 

So how long do I wait without hearing from her (I sent the message today and I know she read it but she’s yet to reply) and what do I do without appearing to be psychotic! Oh yeah I found it now I wrote:

 

"Well I've just written the last update to my profile. Which I guess is pretty much written exclusively for you anyway! I hope we'll get to know each other over e-mail... and anything else that happens. I can honestly say that meeting you on this site has made this "thingy" more than worth it.

 

I'm normally very shy and nervous around women but I have a good feeling here so I potentially could seem over confident or arrogant

 

If I seem to read too much into things or come on too strong feel free to run! This is new ground for me so I'm not totally sure how to go about things. I'll just try my best, be honest and see what happens...”

 

Er well if that helps you can all see an extract of what I said and hopefully some one could respond telling me a) how wrong I was writing that b) what I should have written c) what I should or at least could do about it! And yes I was naïve enough to confess that my last update to my profile was basically just for her. I really am clueless I know!

 

So what kind of things should I ask her? I probably write too much and procrastinate (you may have noticed by now) and yes I write side reflections in brackets – odd I know. So far all I’ve done is told her about my background/past but now I realise I’m going about it wrongly. I want to ask the right questions, keep her interested and get to know her better without seeming clichéd or cheesy. Any ideas from the experienced would be appreciated.

 

Thanks if you’ve read this; made any sense of it and can offer any advice or comments. I really need some reality and other peoples’ views to put this into context. To be honest this isn't something I feel comfortable bringing up outside my close real world friends so I figured a website (with some safety/anonymity) like this would be a good place to ask. I’ll update this thread and respond as and when things develop.

 

[i'm sure this is far more interesting to follow than some television soap opera! Though you may be thinking "does this kid want us to hold his hand or something" LOL]

[monkey00]

i wouldnt be surprised she responded to your message, some women react positively to a cocky attitude.

 

personally i dont have much experience with web dating but i think if anything it just increases your opportunity to meet women. yes age can be a taboo subject for women as it makes them feel old, but i see no harm in asking.

 

i briefly skimmed your long post...so as for your situation, i would advise it to be best to meet in person asap. there's no harm to answering someone's questions...but to do it online, you could be killing your chances because they could lose interest before they even meet you. Besides she can get a real chance to see your personality.

 

send her a good pic, show her the fun loving dude. if you're afraid of what she thinks of you through your pic, are you going to behave worse when you actually do meet?

 

good luck

[aleatoryd]

Thanks Monkey00. I'll definitely try and arrange to meet up with her - I agree my main worry is that she might lose interest. Does anyone have any ideas on a non-threatening first date environment for this kind of thing? In fact while I'm asking does anyone have general do and don't advice and what to look out for. Again thanks guys.

[Curmudgeon]

Meet in a public place for coffee, tea, a drink, whatever. That way there's no pressure and you both have your own transportation. That's also a safety factor for both of you.

 

Then just relax, talk like you do online and see what, if anything, happens.

 

I'd look out for a muscle-bound, 300 pounder with a mohawk whose name is Butch and calls you "Sweetie."

[aleatoryd]

"...I'd look out for a muscle-bound, 300 pounder with a mohawk whose name is Butch and calls you "Sweetie."

 

LOL! Thanks Curmudgeon that really made me laugh - I think I nearly fell off my chair - guess thats what ROFL is! Your actual advice makes very good sense. Cheers.

[brightskies]

Hi A,

First off, it’s the 21st century, so welcome to online dating -- it doesn’t make you a loser.

 

If she gave you her personal e-mail this is a good thing. Personally, I think the sooner you move your interaction off the dating site and into the real world, the better. You might start with emails (off the dating site) for a couple weeks then eventually move into phone calls for a week or two.

 

Phone calls give you a better sense of what she might be like. Then if your interest level holds and you feel comfortable, ask to meet in person, hopefully no longer than a month or so after emailing/calling each other. You don’t want to drag out the online/phone aspect indefinitely. People can lose interest fairly quickly especially if they don’t see you as a “real” person beyond words on a screen.

 

You say you tend to fall into the friends zone – do you have detailed examples of your experience so we can comment?

 

How odd that you’re usually the outgoing guy in the middle of everything with tons of friends --- and yet you say that you’re “shy”? Do you mean that you’re shy around girls you like? Or do you mean you feel shy inside even if your external persona seems very outgoing?

 

Your emails to her seems very sincere and friendly --- but you don’t want to come off as overly accommodating or down on yourself. Also, I don’t recommend statements that sound defensive, e.g.: “If I … feel free to run.” You want her to feel like you’re interested in her, and that you’re confident and aren’t afraid to pursue her. At the same time you don’t want to seem desperate and overly pushy. It’s all a delicate balance.

 

As far as getting to know her to her, you’ll want to save some of your more in-depth discussions for actual meetings as opposed to emails. It's more personal, more of a bonding experience. In addition, face time and real-life interaction is a better format for gauging whether or not you’ll get along and if you might want to pursue things further.

 

Be interested but not pushy, be candid but not a completely open book, i.e., don’t spill everything unasked. Implying that meeting her is "fate" does come off as too strong. I don’t recommend making grand statements like this so soon into your connection, if ever. She might think you’re being insincere or a smooth talker. You can start talking like that when she's in love with you, then she'll think you're being romantic!

 

Ask her about herself --- what she enjoys in her spare time, how she ended up in her field of work, her hobbies, etc. --- things you’d ask about someone that interests you. If you’re still into her, and want to go further, then start asking about her relationship history and personal background. Move by layers. Peel her like an onion.

 

You seem like a very bright and good-hearted person, so hopefully she’ll catch on and reciprocate your interest. Good luck and keep us posted!

[aleatoryd]

Thanks brightskies

 

To clarify the whole shy thing - yes it's pretty much only with girls (not that I dig guys or anything LOL!). I've been involved in quite a bit of leadership as a student. I also get on brilliantly with strangers at Conferences (for example I was in Serbia last September and knew no one. By the time I left everyone knew me and many of them rember and keep in touch) and other social activities.

 

I think it's mainly just a confidence thing. I agree I'd like to take it into the real world ASAP. The problem I have is that I really should sit back and look at what I write before I send it. But typically we are all so very good at analysing other peoples situations appart from our own!

 

I fully agree on the overly accomodating/down on yourself comment. Far too often I let my pessimism slip into how I act. It's ironic that I'm so worried about how it sounds that I write from one extreme to another - too negative or too confident and the whole thing goes wrong! My question is - I send her a message and e-mail thurs and fri then left if for the Easter weekend. How long should I leave it before contacting her again? Or if she hasn't contacted me since then should I take that as not interested? There must be a point when "one way traffic" suggests that she doesn't want to take things further... just some thoughts that are rolling round my head and have yet to settle.

 

Thanks for your support.

[Alexandra]

It's ironic that I'm so worried about how it sounds that I write from one extreme to another - too negative or too confident and the whole thing goes wrong!

 

In fact it's not ironic, it's typical shy person behaviour, most of the time it's seemingly errating and sometimes gratiously aggressive attitudes that signal someone is in fact, shy. With her being older and presumably more experienced, I'd bet she picked up on this already. It's not necessarily a bad thing either, instead of deciding on a persona you want to display you have been yourself even if that meant vulnerably showing parts of you, I am sure she appreciates this.

 

 

My question is - I send her a message and e-mail thurs and fri then left if for the Easter weekend. How long should I leave it before contacting her again? Or if she hasn't contacted me since then should I take that as not interested? There must be a point when "one way traffic" suggests that she doesn't want to take things further... just some thoughts that are rolling round my head and have yet to settle.

 

I'd guess she will answer when she gets time to catch up, because you have to realize, even if she vehemently denounces the dating site as terrible there must be sufficient attention there to have kept her on it and a paying member at that. I agree with what was said above, you should have probably moved in and sent her an email on her private address far sooner but it's a good thing you have this up your sleeve now. If she doesn't answer in a few days, write an email to her normal addy and say that you were just wanting to make sure you're keeping in touch.

 

A helpful bit would be to include something that kept you busy for the past few days, an exam, something exciting, something that would half suggest you haven't been obsessing this much. All in all just sound positive and confident you're on the same comfortable ground with her, by no means slide to the "ohhh but you haven't answered, is anything the matter with us?" tone.

 

Last but not least, yes you obsess too much and overanalyse this but then again so did we all on our first online interraction of value.

 

Good luck and let us know how it went.

[aleatoryd]

Thanks for your comments Alexandra. It's kind of made me feel a little better about this thing. I realised that I don't want to fake a persona and if she doesn't like me for who I am then there's no future anyway. That said I've also decided to sit back and rereading what I've written as that helps filter out extremes of pessimism or appearing over confident/too strong. I wrote an e-mail last night. Slept on it. Re-read it and edited it. So rather than respond staright away I'm thinking more clearly.

 

Her reply was:

 

"Hi,

 

This is a quick email as I am at work and don't have a lot of time (I don't have a pc at home).

 

I will reply more - hopefully tomorrow.

 

####"

 

So I'll just leave it and see what happens. I don't have any reason not to believe her and so until something goes horribly wrong I'll just leave the ball in her court. I don't want to rush anything and at the same time don't want to let it seem like I'm not interested/making an effort. It's a strange dance this romance thing. Especially online. I'm definitely going to move it to real world meeting when I feel it's going somewhere.

 

"Last but not least, yes you obsess too much and overanalyse this but then again so did we all on our first online interraction of value"

 

I couldn't agree with you more! Sums me up pretty well and I have to keep that in check. I'm assuming my mindset is perfectly normal and healthy - I don't want to start acting obsessive. I'll keep everyone informed. Thanks. I appeciate peoples' comments as they give a different view to my own.

[brightskies]

I fully agree on the overly accomodating/down on yourself comment. Far too often I let my pessimism slip into how I act. It's ironic that I'm so worried about how it sounds that I write from one extreme to another - too negative or too confident and the whole thing goes wrong! My question is - I send her a message and e-mail thurs and fri then left if for the Easter weekend. How long should I leave it before contacting her again? Or if she hasn't contacted me since then should I take that as not interested? There must be a point when "one way traffic" suggests that she doesn't want to take things further... just some thoughts that are rolling round my head and have yet to settle.

 

You've already sent 3 emails/messages so waiting for her reply was the right thing to do. Initiating any more contact without her reciprocation would put you at a disadvantage. Just try to relax and put forward your natural, positive self when you write/call. By the way, did you exchange phone numbers yet?

 

Her reply was:

 

"Hi,

This is a quick email as I am at work and don't have a lot of time (I don't have a pc at home).

I will reply more - hopefully tomorrow.

####"

 

So I'll just leave it and see what happens. I don't have any reason not to believe her and so until something goes horribly wrong I'll just leave the ball in her court. I don't want to rush anything and at the same time don't want to let it seem like I'm not interested/making an effort. It's a strange dance this romance thing. Especially online. I'm definitely going to move it to real world meeting when I feel it's going somewhere.

 

You're right to sit on your reply email for a day or two until she gets back to you -- since she did say she would write more later on. You've been pretty good with contacting her. Do you know what she does for work and if she tends to be very busy professionally? In my experience, the more interested I am in a guy, the more effort I put into staying in touch with him and sharing information -- even if I'm swamped. I don't know how much information she has shared with you, but based on your previous post it seems like she's holding back much more than you are. She seems only mildly interested at this point. I recommend that you continue to meet other women in the meantime; keep your options open.

[aleatoryd]

Thnaks brightskies I think I better keep my options open. I think I've stuffed up guys! This is what I got back:

 

Hi ###,

 

Well, you have said such a lot that I'm not sure where to start.

 

To be frank, you have scared me. One of the difficulties of meeting someone through dating website is the level of expectation of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship whereas in the real world 2 people get to know each other and become friends first without any cloud of expectation hanging over them. I feel that you have high expectations of our relationship, such as it is at the moment. I think that friendships shouldn't be downgraded and if we get on and have fun, then that in itself counts as a success. I work for a small charity where there are limited opportunities to meet men of my age and I go to a church where again there are few men my own age. I play netball where there are no men! I believe that God has called me to this job and to my church and to witness through sport - I'm not going to try and get a new job or a new hobby just to "bag a man" so internet dating is an attempt to meet some people who I would not meet otherwise. This is coming across as if I am cross but I'm not! :-)

 

I am also scared by the fact that you said that you had been an alcoholic. Partly because you said something so personal to someone you hardly know - I try not to reveal the things in my closet until someone has got to know the good things about me first! Also, questions in my mind arise - such as "do you have appropriate coping mechanisms now?" and "what kind of emotional baggage are you carrying?". I'm not asking you this questions but they are the ones that appear in my mind.

 

But I am not running . . .

 

So - how can someone like more The Corrs and The Doors?!! I think you need to show some taste discrimination. I am reading Bono on Bono which I picked in Asda on Tuesday (don't talk to me about Walmart!). He says some interesting stuff - I like his approach to Christianity and God. Sometimes I think we sanitise Christianity and Christians are frightened of engaging with people who aren't Christians. I once said to my old housegroup that sometimes I and my parents swear in front of each other and everyone was horrified as if I said that I like eating babies on toast. (which I don't). My parents and my sister (aged 24) aren't Christians but sometimes to the local Anglican church.

 

Have to get back to work now!

 

Bye!

 

####

 

 

I don't really know what to say next. I had said this in my last e-mail:

 

"...So far what I've seen of you is interesting and I would like to get to know you better. I'm feeling no need to rush into anything so if we can agree to get to know each other better and if we don't think anything will come of it then we stop. You see I would like to see everyone in a great (not a GRAT lol!) romance. God didn't create us to love and cherish for no reason...

 

...I realised the important thing is to get to know each other better..."

 

I thought that would make it clear that I didn't think it would HAVE to end in a relationship but I guess this "cloud of expectation" on my part did exist as I'm serious. I guess a case of me giving TMI, getting carried away and being too honest. The thing is I am the kind of guy who tells strangers about how I don't drink anymore. It's not embarassing or seen as a weakness. I think different people have different honesty levels.

 

Any advice would be nice.

[Alexandra]

I'm certainly glad my last post gave you some perspective.

 

Regarding the last exchange I've read and re-read and I'm not sure if the email you sent is what you sent her, before the email from her you showed us, or it was after she wrote. I presume the former is the case.

 

There are two main themes in her email and I presume you're worried about both. One has to do with you coming on too strong, the other with your past with alcohool.

 

Her saying "To be frank, you have scared me." and "I feel that you have high expectations of our relationship, such as it is at the moment." after you said "...So far what I've seen of you is interesting and I would like to get to know you better. I'm feeling no need to rush into anything so if we can agree to get to know each other better and if we don't think anything will come of it then we stop." seems like quite an overreaction and is interesting for several reasons.

 

Most importanly while this is your first experience online it is in no way hers. As a result you'd imagine she is already clear on the expectation of people signing in to a dating site to meet a mate. Unless her profile said "Here to find friendship only" I don't think it's connected to her online philosophy.

 

What it sounds like to me is like she either has had many bad experiences -low possibility as I think she would have mentioned it to underline her point- or, more probable, that she'd like to keep her options open and take it very slow. Nothing wrong with that, evidently, if it's the speed only she's concerned with, it seems it's fine from your point of view so you need to make that clear to her. (If you decide to do so, an email with a joyful "OMG you read my mind, I think friendship is SO important" tone would probably work.) On the other hand I'd advise you don't get your hopes up too much because there is a remote possibility she's not entirely commited to the idea of finding someone and enjoys her online adventure too much. While you find out about that though, why not keep searching for other ladies, you took the plounge once, get on another site, one that would be fun like the ones with tests or a forum that interests you, see what develops.

 

Further down the road, I also think it's important to gently try and find out more about her online options, whethere there are any people she is in close contact with, how close of contact, etc.

 

On the second theme I really think you have nothing to worry about, it was a good move to have told her and I am sure despite bringing it up she has enough sense to know how valuable you being honest was. And if she is really that freaked out about it then at least you know early. That's not to say you shouldn't address her explicit questions as that's what they were not rethorical ones. If anything I think she was being too personal and moving too fast on that one which again may lead one to believe she's weeding through prospects as fast as she can.

 

All in all answering her email with a friendly tone and more importantly keeping your expectations in check while opening yourself to other people can't hurt.

[saltedfish]

don´t see the whole thing as an question of "how will this ebd up" or "what sould i think or write to define my expectation"

 

I liked what she wrote, that gives a lit to comment, just write down your wievs of church, tell her if your family is religious ect, tell her what you wrote here, about you meeting woman and so on, just talk and enchange... i find it best to have kind of dialogue, commenting in all that is said in email, rather than putting together whole new email ( in these cases, where you want to get to know each others)

 

and to make her more ease tell her about your alcoholism and why you mention it right away, even for stranger...

 

I had once an experience with online guy, it was truly amazing, our exchange gave a lot to me, even if in flesh, there was no attraction, but that does not disminish the fact that it was i great change for me to meet him.

[aleatoryd]

Her saying "To be frank, you have scared me." and "I feel that you have high expectations of our relationship, such as it is at the moment." after you said "...So far what I've seen of you is interesting and I would like to get to know you better. I'm feeling no need to rush into anything so if we can agree to get to know each other better and if we don't think anything will come of it then we stop." seems like quite an overreaction and is interesting for several reasons.

 

Thanks for your input Alexandra. I really have the feeling she must have misread my last e-mail. I guess it's strange. Initially I was rather indignant hahaha that she seemed so surprised. I mean I understood her point entirely but it seems to me obvious that putting down "relationship possibilities" suggested she was on a dating website for singles. So she can hardly expect a person not to be interested in her that way.

 

I'm sorry but in my mind it seemed like she was being naive - I mean I'm obviously interested in something more. Then I realised that I'd have to calm down and address her points. I personally diasgree with her point that "in the real world 2 people get to know each other and become friends first without any cloud of expectation hanging over them." I don't think thats entirely true... but like all things her comments are based on her perspective not mine.

 

The funny thing was that my last e-mail had outined my view on relationships and then followed with:

 

"So there is my latest rant! I don't know what you think about relationships but what I've outlined above is my thinking on the matter. Feel free to challenge me on this. I can seem very laid back, random and relaxed but I realised that if I'm not seriously looking then why should I waste anyone's time. I realised that it is important to have similar core values, ethics and ideology. Though not necessarily identical as I believe people should complement each other.

 

I know I sound hypocritical ranting about dating websites and then trying them myself. I don't have any good excuses and I don't want to sound like I'm condemning people for using them. I do understand why they exist and for some people they do work. Also I know you're a paid up full members so I guess you must use it far more than I did (I only messaged you) and have better experience of meeting people. So far what I've seen of you is interesting and I would like to get to know you better. I'm feeling no need to rush into anything so if we can agree to get to know each other better and if we don't think anything will come of it then we stop. You see I would like to see everyone in a great (not a GRAT lol!) romance. God didn't create us to love and cherish for no reason. I realised the important thing is to get to know each other better so MORE questions! :)"

 

I think I probably didn't help things by mentioning my ideas on relationship because it could have seemed overly heavy. However, the extract I've copied above shows that I had mentioned that "So far what I've seen of you is interesting and I would like to get to know you better. I'm feeling no need to rush into anything so if we can agree to get to know each other better and if we don't think anything will come of it then we stop." I guess my inexperience at e-relationships led to a rather long and indirect e-mail. In future I will clarify what I mean so as to be sure she gets the intended meaning.

 

On the other hand I'd advise you don't get your hopes up too much because there is a remote possibility she's not entirely commited to the idea of finding someone and enjoys her online adventure too much. While you find out about that though, why not keep searching for other ladies, you took the plounge once, get on another site, one that would be fun like the ones with tests or a forum that interests you, see what develops.

 

Thanks. I'm actually getting pretty busy at the moment and have no time for diversions on dating websites. I've kind of been put off the whole thing. I'll see what happens with this woman and if it comes to naught then I'll move on and back to real world dating. I don't believe it would benefit me chasing lots of girls as I think I'm going to have to be very careful what I write in future when corresponding to this person.

 

On the second theme I really think you have nothing to worry about, it was a good move to have told her and I am sure despite bringing it up she has enough sense to know how valuable you being honest was. And if she is really that freaked out about it then at least you know early. That's not to say you shouldn't address her explicit questions as that's what they were not rethorical ones. If anything I think she was being too personal and moving too fast on that one which again may lead one to believe she's weeding through prospects as fast as she can.

 

I've e-mailed her back what a friend described as "a diplomatic e-mail" I've put an extract here:

 

"Sorry for scaring you. It wasn't what I intended. I did wonder whether my stupidly long emails might scare you…many of my friends would say I have verbal diarrhoea; unfortunately this seems to transfer into writing as well as speaking.

 

I agree that as I met you via a dating website I have high expectations :s or at least hope that something along the lines of a relationship would come from it. Perhaps this is too high... what do you think? Maybe I'm a bit of a dreamer... I analyse everything and come up with a million scenarios - not surprisingly most are wrong! For instance, a friend asks me to go for a coffee (not that I like coffee LOL!) the following day. Before the event I may start wondering why? Why not coffee today? Why tomorrow? What has happened? Is it good? Is it bad? Have I done anything? Was it good? Was it bad? Etc etc!! It's less because I am nervous but more because I want to understand situations and if I am nervous it is because I care about things.

 

Sorry if that was a bit complicated but I felt I had to explain myself. The problem with only communicating with a person through written words is that we don't know the person behind them. We don't always interpret things how they would or how they would expect us to.

 

So, yes, just friends for now (cheesy grin face) I agree that getting to know someone first is important but I don't know how to do it through the internet. There I own up, admit, confess – I'm not very experienced at meeting and getting to know people in any form of "e-relationships". I'm glad you weren't cross; I did worry whether you would take my opinions on "e-relationships" personally. The smiley face was reassuring The rant wasn't aimed at you; it was the product of me reading too many relationship books (Please don't laugh, I want to have thought about these things before they happen).

 

I did realise afterwards that telling you I had had alcohol "issues" might have been a case of too much information and being "too honest". That section came from wanting to tell you how I became a Christian and this expanded into the details surrounding it. I am so used to sharing my testimony that I forget that not everyone wants to hear it or knows me well enough to be surprised at the fact that I was an alcoholic. It was meant to be a positive thing… again people interpret things differently. I want people to like me for who I am and I don't always express myself well."

 

It was "vetted" by three other people so I'll see how things go. No doubt things will either work out or go horribly pear shaped. I didn't realise her questions weren't rhetorical. I didn't really address the two questions:

 

"Also, questions in my mind arise - such as "do you have appropriate coping mechanisms now?" and "what kind of emotional baggage are you carrying?". I'm not asking you this questions but they are the ones that appear in my mind."

 

I've e-mailed her already so I guess its too late to answer them. Do you think i should readdress them in a future e-mail or drop the whole thing? I guess it depends on what her next e-mail sounds like. I wait rather worried for her response. I feel like the quicker we meet up and make this a real world thing the better. Real world dating seems so much easier compared to this!

[aleatoryd]

don´t see the whole thing as an question of "how will this end up" or "what should i think or write to define my expectation"

 

I liked what she wrote, that gives a lot to comment, just write down your views of church, tell her if your family is religious ect, tell her what you wrote here, about you meeting woman and so on, just talk and enchange... i find it best to have kind of dialogue, commenting in all that is said in email, rather than putting together whole new email ( in these cases, where you want to get to know each others)

 

I appreciate your comments saltedfish. I'm trying to put the whole thing into perspective. One thing I realised that should have been really obvious (but wasn't) is how I come across in my e-mails. I've started getting friends to view them as this seems to assist me in clarifying what I intended to say and how she probably read things. It's scary how easy it is to misread someones words - shows that we benefit a lot from knowing the person behind the words.