Helping an ex..what do I do?

[Joe]

Hi..

 

I posted a question here a long time ago..and got some good advice..so I thought I'd ask about my current situation.

 

It's kinda long:

 

For 5 years I dated a wonderful woman, we spent nearly every day together and forged a close relationship. I loved her as much I could love anyone. We even talked of marriage.

 

We broke up under unusual circumstances, she was finishing college and wanted to move to the East Coast to pursue her career. For the few months leading up to her graduation, I was upset and unhappy in our relationship. We talked about it, but I was unsatisfied. I said I wouldn't be able to move with her right away, but that sometime I would join her. I let her go.

 

That was over 3 years ago. We kept in regular touch until around late 1999. She would write me letter about how she still missed me, and how all the men she met couldn't compare to me, and how she hated the east coast and wanted to move back to the northwest. In late 1999, I got into a relationship here with a new girl, and lost touch until early this year, after I broke up with my recent girlfriend.

 

I decided to call my old flame up. As we talked on the phone, she started to cry hysterically. She told me that she is in a relationship with a man that she hastily married, and that he physically and verbally abuses her. She has to use make-up to get rid of the bruises. She cryed to me. I swore I would help her out of this situation. She told me she still loved me.

 

I have given her numbers to resources that can help her in her city, and even offered to fly out to help her. We decided not to, as it could get her into trouble with him.

 

I'd call her at work every week to remind her I care, and send her emails a few times a week.

 

She got laid off in August, and I couldn't call her at work anymore. She emailed me a few times, and told me she was moving on Sept. 1 back to the northwest, but that her husband found out she wanted to move and was going to follow her.

 

Her last email from late August said that she would write more when 'things settled down'. That was over a month ago.

 

I'm terribly worried about her, what should I do? I have dated many women here, as I don't like to be alone, but yet I am so focused on my ex girlfriend's situation that it has caused problems with any relationships I might start. Part of me wants my ex gf back, because I did love her, and she can be safe with me.

 

I go to the gym several times a week to work out my frusteration, and have gotten quite muscular, but I still worry about her.

 

What should I do?

[Tony T]

Stop worrying about her. She is the one who got herself in this abusive situation. If she's not smart enough to get herself out, you don't need anything to do with her anyway.

 

Believe it or not, this scenario plays out thousands of time a day. If she falls for and marries those who are abusive to her, it is highly unlikely she would go end up with someone who is kind to her until she gets intensive psychotherapy.

 

Any human being who remains in a relationship where they have to put make-up on to cover the bruises is a taco short of a combination platter and you should steer far away from them. It is NOT your job to rescue abused women.

 

If you really think a lot of her, then you must have respect for her ability to get her own self out of this jam.

 

She's hanging in there for a reason. Once she's gone, you may discover the reason. Meanwhile, find a gal who thinks enough of herself not to hastilly marry somebody who's going to giver her that kind of crap.