am i sunk ?

[confused]

About a year-and-half ago i met a woman at work who was interested in me. i was attached at that time, for about 8 years, but my GF had give all the signs that she was leaving. in any case i used to spend some time with this other woman (call her X) and tell her some about my problems. we went out, as friends, a couple of times and then when we went out once -- she made reservations at this great restaurant and in the end of the evening started making moves on me. i resisted a little but then gave in. finally we made it back to her house -- but by this time i was back to my senses and told her that i had never cheated on anybody and even though things were close to finishing between my GF and I, I still could not do anything until we actually parted ( my GF was actually my fiance).

 

my fiance walked out and i took it hard. 9 months later i contacted X again and sent her an e-mail asking to meet. she landed up, dressed very well. she mentioned she was seeing somebody but gave me all the indications that she was not happy. by the middle of the evening she, however, realised that i was still on rebound and in fact actually told me that she was not going to hurt me. she then suggested that we should be friends -- i said no i cant and told her i could not meet her anymore until she dumped the other guy etc. and walked away. she however, even at that point gave me an indication she as interested -- had me drive her to her appartment (even though we had driven in separate cars to the place we met). however, i left.

 

then 5 months later i wrote to her again -- couple of e-mails (no response) then i sent her a card telling her i cared etc. and the called her and she agreed to meet. again, she landed up dressed to kill -- while this time i went with the intention of taking things slow. she gave all indications and signals that night -- but i conciously avoided them as i wanted to move slow. finally, by the end of the evening she was ready to call it quits and said that she would meet again but only in a platonic way. i pointed out that i did not want a meaningless relationship and she started askeing questions like "i am seeing this other guy -- and i can see and meet you but only in a platonic way -- why would would even want to pursue something like this ?" she then said that men fell into two categories for her -- one, with whom there was no potential and ther other with definte potential for something to happen. she said that i fell into the latter category. i was a little unsure of what she was saying -- and not being quite clear -- i suggested we be friends (of course i don't mean it).

 

i called her up a couple of days later and asked her on a day trip and she hemmed and hawed and finally said that it was not a good idea and we should wait a few months. she said she needed to sort her person life out first and could not get involved with anybody right now. i mentioned that we should go someplace and figure out whether we had a chance and whether there was potential for us or we would find out we are friends -- and she responded with "i would prefer the latter". she, herself then suggested that she could meet for dinner -- and then proceeded to ask me several times "are you ok with this ?" -- looks like you want more". i said i was ok and have agreed to meet her.

 

so -- i find it difficult to believe that somebody who has been hot on me 1.5 years could just change to i want to be friends. the last time i dated was more about 9 years ago and am a little rusty. is this thing over -- and i should not waste anytime or is this some kind off a test to see whether i am serious about her. all these questions that she askes ....

[clia]

You've been stringing her along for the past 1.5 years, and now you wonder why she doesn't like you anymore? Come on. By my count you have rejected her advances a number of times:

 

Rejection #1: The first time she came onto you when you were with your girlfriend. Understandable on your part, but still a rejection in her eyes.

 

Rejection #2: 9 months later, after she had moved on with her life, you contacted her out of the blue, and by all indications, she was excited about it. (i.e. she got all fixed up for you.) However the night went, she clearly realized you were on the rebound. No one in their right mind wants to get together with someone who is on the rebound. She probably felt like you were using her, and that's why she suggested you just be friends. No one likes to feel like they are being used.

 

Rejection #3: But, maybe she still had some hope and that's why she let you drive her home. She maybe WAS still interested in you at that point, but smartly realized that it was not the right time to get involved, yet there might have been a little part of her that wanted to. Thus, she let you drive her home, and you LEFT.

 

Rejection #4: 5 months later you wrote her again. She didn't respond to your first 2 e-mails. (Get a clue.) She was probably still moving on with her life. Do you expect her to hang around and wait for you to get your act together? So, you meet up again, and again she gets all fixed up for you. But you decided that you wanted to take things slow. You ignored every signal and indication she gave you. I'm not saying this is a bad call on your part, but it's still another rejection to her, and thus her effort to just be friends.

 

Rejection #5: You coerce her to go out with you again, even though she told you she only wanted to be friends. Now you're being a pain in the a**, no matter how she feels/felt about you. She point blank tells you she doesn't want to get involved now. She's afraid of getting hurt. You (wuss) agree with her. Maybe this was a test? Now, you'll never know because you agreed with her.

 

The point of this is: Women don't like to be rejected anymore than men do. You've strung her along, given her a series of mixed signals, and now you wonder why she isn't jumping at the bait to go out with you. Chances are, she's simply not interested anymore. There was a guy I had a crush on for over a year, but after he started treating me like crap, the crush quickly died. It can happen. If she's such a great girl, she can probably find a guy who won't string her along for a year and a half before he decides he wants to be with her. And she's probably off with him.

[confused]

Clia:

 

You are probably right in all accounts that you have written. my only hope is that she did meet me even after 1.5 years and still seemed interested. Further, she is still interested in meeting me -- dinner etc. Obviously, I care and I do like her very much and i do think there is potential. You are right -- i am probably a wuss. if you do have any advice for me before i meet her this week-end i would appreciate.

 

thanks