How can you tell if cheating is going on?

[sungrl]

I was just wondering how people from their experiences determined their S/O was cheating. There are various signs of it such as calls not being returned in a timely fashion or suddenly being tired on different nights etc. If this occurs only once in awhile--would you believe your s/o was cheating? Or, would you believe they were cheating only if various signs were happening constantly. I have even read that the guy wanting to try different sexual positions all of a sudden is a sign. But--is that such a true sign or just wanting to try something different? I think I have a hard time determining signs in the past. I have had boyfriends and currently have a boyfriend who would be guilty of some of these signs such as being tired and not returning a call quickly. But is it a sign if it only happens once in awhile? How can you tell the difference between being paranoid and actually noticing something that shouldn't be. And I also understand that if you really don't trust someone then maybe you shouldn't be with them.

 

Personally, i think it is easier said than done. I think it even becomes somewhat of a cycle--you love them and do believe they love you but then at times something happens and you question their behavior and then rationalize it and then this just keeps happening over and over.

What was the deal breaker for some people?--even though you were suspicious, you stayed with them until you found out the truth about whether they were cheating or not or did you learn to trust them more?

Currently, I am with someone I love and deep down I do feel he loves me. Despite this, from things I have seen of other people- even guy friends who I know cheated on their g/f's so easily--it just influences me to thinking why couldn't he do it so easily as well. I have even said to him--we don't live close at all, if we both wanted to cheat we could probably get away with it. He just told me the truth eventually comes out and if I really wanted to do something, he couldn't stop me. Do you believe the truth would come out without snooping to find out? Just wondering what people thought about these issues.

[JadeStar]

IMO most of the time if someone is cheating, their patterns of some of the things they are doing are usually consistant. Trying new posistions, can be a sign but not always. Sometimes its simply because they want to try something different, be it they read about it, saw it, from porn, a friend told them etc. You can do a search on signs of cheating, but remember they are what they are, SIGNS, its not 100 percent accurate, and by no means is telling you that what you read means your partner is out here doing them.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[lovernotafighter]

I do believe the truth eventually comes out..but there is always signs..like for instance your boyfriend may change his grooming habits or the way his kiss is slightly different.

 

but people get complacent and eventually he won't cover his tracks so well and it come out..but my guess if your suspicious then there is some underlying problems with in the relationship all ready that should be looked into.

[RecordProducer]

the truth eventually comes out

"Eventually" might be too late in terms of emotions, time, and circumstances (children being brought to this world, career neglected, feelings hurt, years wasted, financial involvement too deep, etc.)

 

I think the most reliable source of knowledge is your gut feeling. If your partner loves you, seems like a non-cheater, doesn't flirt around, has high moral values, and is a reliable person with a good character, you have no reason to base his potential actions on what other people do.

 

Don't look at the signs, look in your heart!

[sungrl]

I agree with that statement--sometimes it is figured out too late and wasted time can result--maybe that is why i am sometimes cautious. Looking into my heart--I do know he loves me and if i really needed something, i can call him up and he would be there. Then i look at his past--he told me he had one serious relationship almost leading to marriage and then after that he was only with people for a few months(i guess nothing too serious after that) which meant he messed around on those people and took it causual. Then he said he met me and this is the longest he has been with someone for a long time. In the back of my head I sometimes think--can someone change their patterns of messing around or excessive flirting etc., just because they are with someone they are serious about now?

[Butterflying]

In the back of my head I sometimes think--can someone change their patterns of messing around or excessive flirting etc., just because they are with someone they are serious about now?

I doesn't really sound as though he was "messing around" on those other women. It's perfectly OKAY to date casually after the end of a serious relationship, as long as no one is being dishonest and taken advantage of. People make huge mistakes by jumping into relationships too quickly. They never have a chance to heal from past hurt. And they never have time to "find themselves."

 

As for signs of cheating...I agree with the person who said- trust your gut feeling and look into your heart. The signs vary from person to person. But it usually involves a change in a person's behavior. If the change is negative and makes you feel insecure, chances are great that he/she is cheating.

 

I was in an LDR once and I knew my XBF was cheating when he stopped being anxious to see me. Our visits twice a month went down to once every two or three months. Then the phone calls went from 5 times a day to once a week. Even when we saw each other or talked to each other, he was too tired to do anything with me, and he didn't have much time to talk on the phone.

 

There was no way for me to find out because he was too far away. I spied and discovered that he was spending all of his time with someone else.

[RecordProducer]

I doesn't really sound as though he was "messing around" on those other women. It's perfectly OKAY to date casually

Exactly! And even to have ONS. It doesn't mean he's a cheater unless he doesn't love you.

[Guest]

It's pretty hard in some cases. I know a guy who has cheated on his gf, now wife (they've been together 13 years) with dozens of women, and she still doesn't know. She's smart, university educated, not stupid by any means, but she had no clue as to the extent of his cheating

 

Really I wouldn't totally trust someone unless I had seen how they respond to temptation.

[sungrl]

To the guest who wrote about a guy cheating on his g/f who is now his wife. She never noticed anything in 13 years? Do they see each other a lot? Does he go out a lot without her? I do not see how someone can cheat that much and not leave some trail or mess up at some point. I also think it is hard to see how their s/o would react to temptation unless you spied on them while at a club or bar.

[sungrl]

I thought this was a good topic to discuss because many have and are experiencing it. My b/f lives almost an hour away. Sometimes I do get insecure and feel that since he can probably get away with cheating, messing around-whatever it may be-he would do it. Do people do this even though they say they love the other?

I know a guy who was with someone for about 2 years but every friday or something he would be with the guys at bars without her and he would mess around on her as well and she lived a few blocks from him. How could i actually find out if something was going on without spying or snooping or anything of the sort? Just through watching his behavior is enough?Little things trigger my suspicions such as in the morning he wore black jeans to go to work and then a few hours later after work he changed to other jeans and for some reason it made me suspicious that maybe he was with someone else and needed to change clothes or something. Do you think this is just insecurity and I am reading too much into things?

 

I do believe he cares about me and he shows it through actions--like for example it was pouring outside and completely horrible. He did not feel like driving 45 minutes in it at almost 11 pm to just watch a movie at his place but he said he would if i wanted to see him and if i didn't wanna stay home and he did. So, little things like that make me think-why would he bother cheating and go through effort to see me as well?