Does he really love me?

[Jessi]

I have been with the same guy on and off for almost 9 months and I know I love him. I have a 15 month old son that he is slightly put off by, but it hasnt been a problem that he cant deal with. We recently took him camping with us for five days and that went quite well. At this time he is my "ex", but we've broken up a couple of times before and everything stayed the same, both of us agreeing not to see or be with other people. This time it has somehow changed but it seems that he is going through a rough time within himself, (he is a manic-depressive), and this mental illness can effect our feelings, perspectives, and moods when the disease is in control. To me though it seems like I'm getting severley screwed around because he has made all these decisions concerning our relationship, and it all is very selfish on his part. He tells me he loves me, but dosent want to be in a relationship right now, and wont even see me or spend time with me because he is and always has been extremely physically attracted to me, and he dosent want to do anything to make me think that we're back together. He says that he dosent trust me, but I've never done anything to betray him. I believe that it is an excuse, but I cant think of a reason that we shouldnt be together. He calls me at least once a day, and if he hears that any other guy was even talking to me he gets very jealous. He creates all these ridiculous stories in his head with me being intimate with other men.

 

It feels like he just really enjoys the attention that he's recieving from me, and that rejecting me makes him feel better about himself.

 

I starting to feel pathetic and desperate, although I am a very attractive woman and I have had many offers from different men, claiming that they could treat me way better. I just dont want to be with anyone else. When I'm with him I'm happy and I feel like I could easily spend the rest of my life with him.

 

Sorry, now I'm just rambling on, but if anyone actually had the patience and attention span to read to this point I just want to say thankyou, and please, I'm awaiting any advice that anyone might have. I need to do something to help myself now, no more mrs. nice chick!!!

[Ed]

It would be impossible to say whether he loves you or not. According to him, he is extremely physically attracted to you. He apparently likes to spend (some) time with you. Him and how many other guys could fit that description?

 

Normally, we date people to find out if they are the kind of person we would want to spend many years with. What you describe is not something I would want to spend the rest of my life dealing with. He's "slightly put off" by your son, he "gets very jealous", he "doesn't trust you", he "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now". You said "I can't think of a reason that we shouldn't be together". The way I see it, you just named four good ones.

[Daisy]

You need to get him out of your life. Right now. Not only for your own well-being and happiness, but also for your son's well-being and happiness. I'm a firm believer that once you take on the responsibility of raising a child, that child ALWAYS needs to be your first priority. Especially when it comes to choosing a boyfriend or future husband.

 

Look at how this guy treats you. Do you want your son to grow up and mimic these same behaviors? Because that's what will happen if you continue to let this guy be a part of your life. This guy is causing you heartbreak. Sure, he might be treating your son great right now, but what about down the road? When your son's old enough to mouth off, as all children eventually do? What will this guy do then? You need to take all of this into consideration ... that it's possible he'll treat your son the same way he treats you.

 

So my advice ... dump this guy. And don't go right out and try to find a new man. Take care of your son. Make sure he's happy and healthy. And when you DO meet a new man, take LOTS of precautions. Don't let him meet your son until you're POSITIVE he'll be sticking around for quite awhile. There's no greater heartbreak for a child than getting attached to a new "father-figure", only to have him leave down the road. It was hard enough the first time, and thankfully, he won't remember that. You don't want to have your son start to associate "men" with "abandonment". So choose your boyfriends very carefully.

 

And good luck.

[BeenThere]

Love is felt and expressed differently according to the individual. Perhaps this man loves you only in the best way he knows how.

 

Question is: is it enough?

 

You also imply that he is in control of this relationship; that he makes all the decisions concerning what happens between the two of you. *Control* is mearly an illusion; unless you have made the conscious decision to let go of it and allow someone else to manipulate you. Truth is...YOU are in control of where this relationship/friendship goes. It's YOUR life, so take some responsibility for it.

 

There is contradiction when you say "When I'm with him I'm happy," then admit you feel rejected, pathetic and desperate. That he is selfish and slightly put off by your son. Are these the qualities that attract you to him? How did your self-esteem ever get so low that you would ever consider staying in a situation like this?...Especially if you say there are other men who are interested in pursuing you? Why are you seeking a committed relationship, and what void are you trying to fill? What, *exactly* is it about this man that you think you *love* so damn much?

 

It seems, by your post, that you already know the answers. I think you are just looking for some affirmation. You don't need permission...listen to your intuitions. Imagine what advice you would give someone else in this situation--And Listen To It.

 

No more "Ms. Nice Chick!" Be your OWN best friend, and the rest will fall into place...

I have been with the same guy on and off for almost 9 months and I know I love him. I have a 15 month old son that he is slightly put off by, but it hasnt been a problem that he cant deal with. We recently took him camping with us for five days and that went quite well. At this time he is my "ex", but we've broken up a couple of times before and everything stayed the same, both of us agreeing not to see or be with other people. This time it has somehow changed but it seems that he is going through a rough time within himself, (he is a manic-depressive), and this mental illness can effect our feelings, perspectives, and moods when the disease is in control. To me though it seems like I'm getting severley screwed around because he has made all these decisions concerning our relationship, and it all is very selfish on his part. He tells me he loves me, but dosent want to be in a relationship right now, and wont even see me or spend time with me because he is and always has been extremely physically attracted to me, and he dosent want to do anything to make me think that we're back together. He says that he dosent trust me, but I've never done anything to betray him. I believe that it is an excuse, but I cant think of a reason that we shouldnt be together. He calls me at least once a day, and if he hears that any other guy was even talking to me he gets very jealous. He creates all these ridiculous stories in his head with me being intimate with other men. It feels like he just really enjoys the attention that he's recieving from me, and that rejecting me makes him feel better about himself. I starting to feel pathetic and desperate, although I am a very attractive woman and I have had many offers from different men, claiming that they could treat me way better. I just dont want to be with anyone else. When I'm with him I'm happy and I feel like I could easily spend the rest of my life with him. Sorry, now I'm just rambling on, but if anyone actually had the patience and attention span to read to this point I just want to say thankyou, and please, I'm awaiting any advice that anyone might have. I need to do something to help myself now, no more mrs. nice chick!!!