Will I be alone for the rest of my life??

[Butterflying]

I'm 26 years old and I've had several failed relationships. Actually, all my relationships ended after I found out that my XBF's had cheated on me. I've done the soul searching to determine if I did, or didn't do things that caused them to cheat. I've narrowed it down to the fact the all the men I've dated had similar personality traits. They all had large egos, and low self-esteem.

 

The last two guys that I've dated, casually, insulted my sexual ability. They were both six years younger than me. The first guy, Sam, and I had a fabulous sex life for 7 months until last week. He wanted to try anal sex. He didn't want to use lubrication. So I didn't. But the pain was unbearable. I begged him to stop and use lubrication. So he stopped, put his clothes back on, and told me I didn't know what I was doing. He left my home, very angry. The next day I called him to talk about it, but he told me not to ever contact him again.

 

Last night, I was having sex with a new guy, Emanuel, and he couldn't maintain his erection. I was surprised since he had initiated the sex. I wanted to watch a movie. But he kept grabbing me, touching me, and kissing me. The foreplay was heavy. He told me it was my job to give him an erection. So I tried. I did everything from nibbling his ear lobes, to oral sex on him. I did oral for 20 minutes. He became erect. But when we began intercourse, he lost it again. So I did oral a second time. But his erection never came back. He told me it was my fault because I didn't know how to please a man. I'll probably never see him again.

 

But now I don't know what to think. I've had a lot of sex partners in my lifetime. None of them ever complained about my performance. I've had anal sex, always with lubrication. There were never problems until Sam wanted it without lubrication. In all my experience, no one had a problem getting an erection, especially not a 20 year old man.

 

I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix it. I can't please men. They won't love me. I just want to know what is wrong with me?

[westernxer]

Your life will improve when you quit choosing men with large egos and low self-esteem.

[magda]

Not trying to be insulting, but maybe you should hold off on sex until you are dating someone more seriously. This would give you a chance to screen them for being selfish a**h***s before you have sex with them. It would probably make you feel less like you are unable to please men. These guys you are dating are jerks. Who cares if they leave sexually gratified.

[Butterflying]

Your life will improve when you quit choosing men with large egos and low self-esteem.

Okay. I understand this. But it's almost funny because every man I know has some form of ego issues. It seems to date back to the begining of time, the alphamale complex. We live in a "man's" wold. I've learned (from several mistakes) how to adapt to a mans ego by not insulting him, or making him feel "less than a man." In the process, I get cheated on, and insulted. Somehow, I'm still not good enough.

[Butterflying]

Not trying to be insulting, but maybe you should hold off on sex until you are dating someone more seriously. This would give you a chance to screen them for being selfish a**h***s before you have sex with them. It would probably make you feel less like you are unable to please men. These guys you are dating are jerks. Who cares if they leave sexually gratified.

Okay. Then how do I tell a man that I can only have sex with him if he commits to me, without sounding controlling, or manipulative? What excuse do I use to say "no" to sex without making men leave me? I take the risk that they will not want anything to do with me if I don't have sex whenever they want it. And if I do have sex, they might leave me because it's not good enough for them.

[Vertex]

Okay. Then how do I tell a man that I can only have sex with him if he commits to me, without sounding controlling, or manipulative? What excuse do I use to say "no" to sex without making men leave me? I take the risk that they will not want anything to do with me if I don't have sex whenever they want it. And if I do have sex, they might leave me because it's not good enough for them.

 

 

This is all just my opinion:

 

All you need to do is say simply that if they pursue sex and they have not yet shown a sign of commitment. If they cannot respect your views then they are not right for you. You shouldn't have to use sex as a tool like that. I would hold off on that sort of activity until you know the person you are with is more confident and understanding and won't insult you for their own shortcomings or irrational requests (that person who wanted anal without lube confuses me. That's just really rude to say you don't know what you're doing when perhaps it is more clear to see that he doesn't, if he doesn't understand that anal without lubrication is like ass-suicide).

 

People who will leave you for withholding from sex are probably not the kind of people you want to be with right now. In my opinion, the right person for you should understand that you don't want to toss sex around so easily and would want for something deeper before you engage in such an activity. Don't sweat the losses that wouldn't have given back anything positive in the first place.

[Mary3]

I'm 26 years old and I've had several failed relationships. Actually, all my relationships ended after I found out that my XBF's had cheated on me. I've done the soul searching to determine if I did, or didn't do things that caused them to cheat. I've narrowed it down to the fact the all the men I've dated had similar personality traits. They all had large egos, and low self-esteem.

 

The last two guys that I've dated, casually, insulted my sexual ability. They were both six years younger than me. The first guy, Sam, and I had a fabulous sex life for 7 months until last week. He wanted to try anal sex. He didn't want to use lubrication. So I didn't. But the pain was unbearable. I begged him to stop and use lubrication. So he stopped, put his clothes back on, and told me I didn't know what I was doing. He left my home, very angry. The next day I called him to talk about it, but he told me not to ever contact him again.

 

Last night, I was having sex with a new guy, Emanuel, and he couldn't maintain his erection. I was surprised since he had initiated the sex. I wanted to watch a movie. But he kept grabbing me, touching me, and kissing me. The foreplay was heavy. He told me it was my job to give him an erection. So I tried. I did everything from nibbling his ear lobes, to oral sex on him. I did oral for 20 minutes. He became erect. But when we began intercourse, he lost it again. So I did oral a second time. But his erection never came back. He told me it was my fault because I didn't know how to please a man. I'll probably never see him again.

 

But now I don't know what to think. I've had a lot of sex partners in my lifetime. None of them ever complained about my performance. I've had anal sex, always with lubrication. There were never problems until Sam wanted it without lubrication. In all my experience, no one had a problem getting an erection, especially not a 20 year old man.

 

I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix it. I can't please men. They won't love me. I just want to know what is wrong with me?

 

First of all, Sam sounds like an idiot. Let someone perform anal on him with no lubrication and see how he likes it,. Either way , good riddance to the jerk. ( And yes he WAS a jerk ) It was not you ! Please do not contact Sam ever again

 

Emanuel sounds like he has low self esteem too. Its not your JOB to give him an erection. Em. needs to grow up and regarding his erection problems , there are many reasons why he might have lost it but unless you care about Em. then I would either help him to feel more relaxed and work with him through it or if you don't care that much about him , then don't worry much more about this.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. You do pick some real winners though and thats the real problem. When a man loves you , you both work through sexual problems ( dryness , pain , erection problems , low libido , ect ) Thats why it might be better to have a man WAIT for sex until you know that he really cares.

 

Guess what ? A man WILL wait if you cares about YOU and not just your love box...

[westernxer]

But it's almost funny because every man I know has some form of ego issues.

 

What about every man you don't know?

[whichwayisup]

Okay. Then how do I tell a man that I can only have sex with him if he commits to me, without sounding controlling, or manipulative? What excuse do I use to say "no" to sex without making men leave me? I take the risk that they will not want anything to do with me if I don't have sex whenever they want it. And if I do have sex, they might leave me because it's not good enough for them.

 

If a man really likes you for who you are, he'll stick around and wait for when you're ready.

 

Get to know the guy. Go out on dates and have fun. Don't have sex until you both talk and feel that a real relationship is developing...And even then, take things slowly...Fool around, get to know eachothers body's, cuddle and be intimate without having full-on sex. He will respect you more and I think you'll be appreciate the wait. Never rush a good thing!

[lindya]

Okay. Then how do I tell a man that I can only have sex with him if he commits to me, without sounding controlling, or manipulative?

 

What does commitment mean to you? I agree that it could be very difficult to tell someone you won't have sex with them unless they commit to you. That comment certainly does imply that you see sex as some sort of bargaining tool that you can use to help you get the sort of relationship you want - rather than a mutually enjoyable activity.

 

What excuse do I use to say "no" to sex without making men leave me?

 

You would have to consider first why you want to say no. Is it too soon for you? If so, then what's wrong with telling them that? Lots of women need time to get to know and trust someone before they're willing to get intimate with them. Plenty of others don't. I'm not saying either group is right or wrong, but you need to figure out which camp you belong in and work from there.

 

If you meet a guy who expects sex straight away and loses interest if he doesn't get it, and you're the type of person who needs more time before having sex, then the two of you just aren't matched. It certainly doesn't mean that no guy will ever find you sexy and loveable.

 

I take the risk that they will not want anything to do with me if I don't have sex whenever they want it. And if I do have sex, they might leave me because it's not good enough for them.

 

Please try to stop seeing these guys as power-merchants who control your happiness and sexuality. They have the power to walk away from you if you don't have sex with them. Equally, you have the power to walk away from them if you're feeling manipulated or pressurised into sex before you trust/feel comfortable with them. Nobody has to have the upper hand in this situation, unless you decide they do.

 

...his erection never came back. He told me it was my fault because I didn't know how to please a man. I'll probably never see him again.

 

Good riddance to limp rubbish.

[Craig]

I just want to know what is wrong with me?

Just a guess here...that you keep choosing the same kinds of men. The names and faces may change but the stories remain the same. Maybe going for a man that is healthy emotionally, someone that you wouldn't normally see yourself with might work for you. Sure there could be some fear and insecurity but after you get through that phase maybe those are the guys for you.

 

Just a guess, I don't know you or your full story so don't take this as an attack of any kind.

[Swansong]

I know I'm much older than many posters here so, take it for what it's worth, age, my years of experience and consider this a peek into the future when considering "long term relationships". Stop the emphasis on the "sex" part and start emphasizing the quality of your relations with men. Do you have a great time with them despite alcohol or drug related activity? Do they communicate well? Do you enjoy just spending time together...do you enjoy some of the same interests ..goals .. activities family/future ideals?? Believe me when I tell you that sex alone will not sustain a long term relationship for many reasons so when the sex is gone and over .....What do you have left to enjoy with the person you're with??? Sex and making love are very different ...(speaking as a woman) and apparently for a man also or their first response after having an affair wouldn't be "it didn't mean anything!". I agree with the poster that says it should be considered a mutally enjoyable activity. These men you describe sound like mysogynists...and if you have a pattern of choosing the same type of personality trait...do some research reading on this topic and others and some serious soul-searching before allowing yourself to be abused in this manner. To continue this way without educating yourself will only lower your self-esteem until you are in a deep depression. Save yourself alot of pain and agony.

[SuperMonk]

Seems like you're getting involved with men who don't really care much for you. I think this is not the issue of the guys you are dating, but your own personality issues you may not have dealt with.

 

Usually bad sex is a sign that the rest of the relationship isn't going to well. (this may not be the case for "casual sex" or "one night stands")

[lindya]

Seems like you're getting involved with men who don't really care much for you. I think this is not the issue of the guys you are dating, but your own personality issues you may not have dealt with.

 

Are you the Emanuel guy she was talking about?

[travellingman]

He wanted to try anal sex.

 

Coming up on 9 years of marriage, I just want to try sex in any hole.

[My_Other_I]

I'm 26 years old and I've had several failed relationships. Actually, all my relationships ended after I found out that my XBF's had cheated on me. I've done the soul searching to determine if I did, or didn't do things that caused them to cheat. I've narrowed it down to the fact the all the men I've dated had similar personality traits. They all had large egos, and low self-esteem.

Well there you go. You got it. As soon as you see a familiar pattern, run from it. Since it has failed you so many times, you don't need to prove yourself wrong anymore. Maybe be alone for a while, find your own self-esteem and confidence.

 

The last two guys that I've dated, casually, insulted my sexual ability. They were both six years younger than me. The first guy, Sam, and I had a fabulous sex life for 7 months until last week. He wanted to try anal sex. He didn't want to use lubrication. So I didn't. But the pain was unbearable. I begged him to stop and use lubrication. So he stopped, put his clothes back on, and told me I didn't know what I was doing. He left my home, very angry. The next day I called him to talk about it, but he told me not to ever contact him again.

Buy your self a bunch of chocolotate and celebrate the departure of his sorry ass. That's unheard of.

 

Last night, I was having sex with a new guy, Emanuel, and he couldn't maintain his erection. I was surprised since he had initiated the sex. I wanted to watch a movie. But he kept grabbing me, touching me, and kissing me. The foreplay was heavy. He told me it was my job to give him an erection. So I tried. I did everything from nibbling his ear lobes, to oral sex on him. I did oral for 20 minutes. He became erect. But when we began intercourse, he lost it again. So I did oral a second time. But his erection never came back. He told me it was my fault because I didn't know how to please a man. I'll probably never see him again.

Now do you see the pattern in this one again?! Low self-esteem, has to blame you for his failings.

Where do you meet these weirdoes?!

 

But now I don't know what to think. I've had a lot of sex partners in my lifetime. None of them ever complained about my performance. I've had anal sex, always with lubrication. There were never problems until Sam wanted it without lubrication. In all my experience, no one had a problem getting an erection, especially not a 20 year old man.

Sam needs to be more respectful. Applying lubrication doesn't take time. He was just being a d*ck.

The 20-year old on the other hand...does he have a drinking problem?

 

I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I don't know how to fix it. I can't please men. They won't love me. I just want to know what is wrong with me?

What might be wrong with you is how you view your self, how you respect (or don't) your self, and how you choose your man. If you don't sleep with them the world will still rotate, and if they leave you for that reason you know they are not worth s*** anyway, so why bother and worry.

Just take some time off for your self, don't rush into a relationship.

[My_Other_I]

Coming up on 9 years of marriage, I just want to try sex in any hole.

:lmao:

That's a little sad but TOO FUNNY!

[Yamaha]

A man WILL wait if you cares about YOU and not just your love box...

 

You are not here to be a sex receptacle for a man's penis. Get some self respect if you want a man to respect you. If the guy really cares he will wait because he thinks your worth it. If not then give him the boot. You might try dating a guy somewhat older as they may be more mature.

[Butterflying]

My personality....I'm very independent. That independence causes me to appear unavailble. Men don't easily approach me because they think I don't need anyone. I'm also bold. I'm not affraid to stand up for myself. My parents and siblings often criticize my personality. They say I'm selfish and too bold.

 

Previously, I was always bold and NEVER had sex with men unless we were in a relationship. Back then, I had less sex partners, and they still cheated on me. My parents swore that my independence was the reason those relationships didn't work. So I decided to follow my prarents advice. That is the reason I've been submissive to men for the past two years. I want them to know that I need them. I don't want to be selfish. I allow the man to take the lead and have the upper hand because that is what my parents insist will help me "keep" a man.

 

Unfortunately, what I did previously wasn't working. And my parent's advice isn't working either. I can change to type of men I date, but I don't know what to look for. I guess I don't know what a good man is like. I have nothing to compare it to.

[aleatoryd]

I don't think that the women should submit to guys who don't respect her. I wouldn't expect, want or respect any woman I go out with to offer me sex on a plate (but then again I'm a marry first, make love after, traditionalist Christian guy so my view may not be helpful here!)

 

I think you need to find guys who respect you. It seems like you are allowing guys to use you for free easy sex. I'm not trying to judge you I just don't like women being disrespected and used. The guys you have been with are jerks which is proven by their dumbass attitudes.

 

I notice your post sounds like you split from one guy a week ago and within a few days had replaced him with a new one - then straight away sex. Have you ever considered that just because you don't offer it immediately a man may still start a relationship with you, love you, spend time with you and eventually I hope you wil be able to make real love. Don't hurry into one relationship after another that isn't romance it's just opening yourself up to the wrong types.

 

You don't sound selfish, and submission in this circumstance is wrong. Get back to being a strong and independent women! You don't really want to "keep" the wrong men do you? Just be true to who you are and someone will love you for that. You sound like you have some admirable personality characteristics you just listened to bad advice and criticism something we have all done.

[Swansong]

Coming up on 9 years of marriage, I just want to try sex in any hole.

 

Butterflying, Take note here of one male mind set....(now all you males don't get defensive on me here....I said "one" male mindset)! Some of you male posters sound very caring and compassionate. Did I take this comment from Travelingman out of context??

 

Now, Travelingman....exactly what do you mean "any hole" ...is that inside or outside of your 9 year marriage relationship....and exactly how does your comment help or support Butterflying????? Were you trying to support the fact that the sex in a relationship doesn't last?? As I said. Well it's not always the woman...there seems to be an awful lot of erectile dysfunction products out there for a reason. Perhaps you should try a little verbal communication with your wife and you might just get what you want!!

 

Butterflying...good luck to you. Seek what makes YOU happy and stop trying to satisfy these types of men who treat you so badly by taking the responsibility for their sexual gratification. That is not your responsibility. It should be mutually satisfying and you should be happy to be with the person with or without sex. I wish you happiness...it is out there but you must have self respect or some men will walk all over you.

[Mary3]

Seems like you're getting involved with men who don't really care much for you. I think this is not the issue of the guys you are dating, but your own personality issues you may not have dealt with.

 

Usually bad sex is a sign that the rest of the relationship isn't going to well. (this may not be the case for "casual sex" or "one night stands")

 

IMO Even failing relationships can still have amazing sex....

 

Its more worrisome when the woman ( I speak for myself ) stops wanting to have sex with you. That usually means she is emotionally detaching herself from you. For most women , sex is an emotional connection to you. If she is miserable, you can bet the sex will slow down to a crawl...

 

A man might be unhappy in the relationship and still continue to want the sex and sometimes sadly he gets it outside of the relationship if the sex stops because of the state of the relationship.

[Yamaha]

Get back to being a strong and independent women!

 

Know what you want and don't settle for less. Would you seriously want any of the guys you have dated for a serious relationship? You need to learn yourself before you can pick a partner. Don't just hang onto someone if he is not treating you right. Keep looking as it might take awhile to find that person who fits you and vis versa. Rushing will just give you heartache so take your time and be picky.

[lindya]

Unfortunately, what I did previously wasn't working. And my parent's advice isn't working either. I can change to type of men I date, but I don't know what to look for. I guess I don't know what a good man is like. I have nothing to compare it to.

 

You must have met some good men in life - and witnessed other people having good relationships. Building up a picture of what you want is an important part of achieving it. That picture might be based on a whole host of sound qualities you've seen in people you respected.

 

Those people don't need to be ex partners or people you're sexually attracted to...they just need to be people who you liked and admired. Think about what it was about them that made you feel safe and inspired your admiration. The qualities you come up with will help you to form a blueprint for the sort of man you would be happiest with.

 

Relying on older relatives' views about how to attract and keep a man isn't necessarily helpful...especially as that sort of advice is too often dispensed with a hidden agenda (ie "being the sort of person we would like you to be will help you romantically....") - even if that's not your parents' conscious intention.

[dgiirl]

Seems to me, the first guy who cheated on you, hurt you badly and your family tried to tell you things you can change to prevent him cheating. Then to prevent cheating from ever happening to you again, you became totally submissive, and are willing to sleep with men before there's even a relationship. On top of that, you allow them to criticize your performance and you dont even stand up for yourself. You dont have any self-respect and accept the blame. Why should any guy have respect for you? Thus, the men since then will cheat on you too. My exh cheated on me too. Looking back, I can clearly see that I had such low self esteem. He criticized my performance too. It's not fun, and I didnt have a voice. I didnt realize I could have spoken up for myself and said he couldnt treat me this way. Had I done that, maybe he would not have cheated on me, maybe I would have left him instead of him leaving me. Who knows. But I do think it starts with yourself and your self esteem. I'm guessing the first guy hurt you badly, and you never really healed from that. Take some time out from dating. Dont put yourself on a schedule to find Mr Right. Breath, build your self-esteem back up, be the independent woman you once were, and when you do find someone worth letting your walls down, do it slowly, but always keeping your self respect.

 

And dont let these men's sexual insecurities become yours. God knows we have enough of our own faults than to let others add more onto us.