plan of action...

[subtitled]

So I have it a pretty strong suspicion there's a guy friend of mine who's interested... and another friend of mine says she thinks he is too. The question is - now what to do!?

 

questions:

1) When should the girl ask the guy to do something that might be construed as a date?

2) When is it best to wait and see?

3) Just how much should you do to let them know you like them too?

 

In my particular situation there is a complication. The guy that I'm interested in has a policy where he won't meet up with girls who are his friends, one on one. This is a new policy of his and a strange one.

 

Apart from this, i found out through someone else that this was his policy. He has mentioned it to me in person, but only speaking about a friend of his whose policy it is as well.

 

So... with "the policy" in mind... i don't feel like I really can make the first move, but i'm so impatient, but then i don't want to appear too eager either.

 

So what to do!?

[Ja5e]

Hey,

 

I take from your post that you want this guy to have feelings for you? and that you have feelings for him , more than friendship.

 

If so , take it from me , I can see where this guy is coming from with his "policy" of not meeting up with female friends on a one-one basis. I am assuming he has been in my position , ie he has either had feelings for a female friend in the past and they were not reciprocated ( which is a killer - we have feelings too you know! ). Or he has feelings for you and is scared that you dont feel the same way and he is ( as I did ) clinging onto keeping you as a friend and hoping he loses the feelings and keeps you as a friend.

 

For instance - his "policy" , I`ve just had to do something very similar with my female friend who i love more than friends - I`ve had to ask her to help us remain friends by us not going out alone together on "date-like" nights , and to cut down on contact for a while , in th hope that I can in future become "just friends" with her and not have any romantic feelings towards her ( because in my case they are NOT reciprocated ).

 

So his policy may be based on him having feelings for you.

 

Its a tricky one , you need to find out if he does have feelings for you. If he does , for gods sake go for it!

 

Suggest nights out , just the two of you , say you really want to get to know him better and you enjoy spending time with just him. See how he reacts , he may stick to his policy - but you then need to ask why he has this policy ( ask him as a friend , say you are just curious ) - if he doesnt have feelings for you he will probably just tell you straight why he has the policy ) if he is a bit awkward about telling you or doesnt want to tell you , dont push it. But take your time and just start dropping hints that you like him as more than a friend.

 

One of you needs to take the frst step , trust me , its hell if you get a year or more don the line and you are both still wondering or scared to say anything.

 

Best of luck.

[subtitled]

Hey thanks for your advice it was really helpful.

 

Although, i think in his case the policy is not based on our friendship. I've only been friends with him for probably 2-3 months and for almost the whole of that time i've been dating someone else. I am now single.

 

When he told me about the policy I was still dating my ex. I thought it was interesting at the time that he told me about his "friend's" policy and didn't speak about it as if it were his policy.... but i know now that it is his policy too.

 

My gut feeling is that he likes me...but i just don't know how clear to make my intentions. I'm so afraid of being wrong in this situation! Also don't want to rush things, but then i also want to know for sure that he likes me!

[Ja5e]

No worries (I`ve been to Oz :-) ).

 

It depends how bad you get it for him. Its hell if you keep it in and let it eat away at you. Looking back at my situation , I wish I`d said something earlier - t would have been easier for me to deal with. Just dont want anyone else to feel like I did , but I know its hard.

 

2-3 months , dont think about time lines , if you`ve just split up with a boyfriend then you need to take time for yourself first and foremost. Try not to think too much. ( easier said than done ).

 

But if you do find yoursefl still wondering in 3 months time , and if you start to get mixed signals from him ,then do something about it , for better or worse. You`ll avoid a lot of pain.

 

I hope he does like you in that way and things work out howevr you want them to. Take care.

[aleatoryd]

Hey Ja5e I feel for you man. Where you are (unreciprocated love) well I've been there and it's take nearly 2 years to get through it. I hope it's easier for you... it is possible to retain a friendship with someone you once liked (loved?) a lot. It's hard and you need to set sensible boundaries on acceptable behaviour - sounds like you are already getting there with this policy. Good luck.

 

subtitled - I developed a similar policy within my social circles. At university there are alwaysnew and interesting girls joining and in the past I sometimes became infactuated (yes I admit it!) which I now know was wrong. Let me explain why - my new policy was that I would concentrate on my male bonding and over two years I made great (probably lifelong) friends who are accountable to each other as a group. That in itself was worth it.

 

I didn't feel I lost out on the girl/dating scene because I still met girls but treated them with respect - like sisters. I didn't treat them like objects of lust and nor have I felt lonely being single. For me being single and maintaining a policy helped me filter out distractions and now I as a result I know exactly what I want in a relationship and in turn what I have to give. I also saved my emotions for the one right woman.

 

A policy not only allows us to work ourselves out and create safe boundaries in how we treat others. It also makes others aware of our stance so mistakes aren't made. One think I like about the sound of this guy is that by having a policy this guy makes it clear that he won't settle for just any girl - he is waiting for one right girl and will resist all the easy options available to him.

 

Ironically I guess making yourself "offbounds" also makes you seem sexy as hell all mysterious etc to members of the opposite sex LOL! "Confident guy" who doesn't need women and slo won't lean on them as prop but will stand side by side with them. If only they knew in my case I'm only just regaining my confidence. Ja5e my policy has been my way to slowly get back to satisfaction as a single without all the depression, negativity and loneliness which stemmed from rejection.

 

SO if this guy has a policy that makes him a lot more mature than most others I'd say. He won't settle for anything less than the right one. You've got to like that attitude. It's not degrading women - no in fact it IS honouring them. Quite rightly so. I don't think there's any harm in telling him how you feel because he sounds like an honest decent guy who will tell you straight and you don't want to spend years watching him from a far only to see another girl come in and sweep him off his feet!

 

That would hurt and trust me that tends to be how it goes. Take the initiative and go for it. With that kibd of guy it's worth it. Good luck both of you.

[subtitled]

thanks for that, you've made me think about "the policy" in a different light.

 

I've been struggling to work out the basis of his policy - like does he think he's so desirable that no girl can meet up with him one on one and think nothing of it? Or is he guarding his own heart?

 

Your perspective is a helpful one, and I hope that is where it's coming from with this friend of mine. I hope it's that he's guarding his heart.

 

Even if this is so, it's hard as a girl to accept, because it's such a blanket policy. It feels like instead of treating each relationship individually and setting boundaries according to your established way of relating to eachother, suddenly, all friendships are severed. At least, i know that's how some of his long-term friends feel about it. Suddenly they can't hang out with him and it's been the basis of their friendship.

 

As for me, i've only ever hung out with him once before, which was a really long car ride, just me and him. It was amazing and we connected in a way i haven't really connected with anyone else. I think he has similar feelings, but not sure where he's taking them.

 

I've decided there's no use forcing my will onto the situation and so i've taken a back seat. I figure if he really likes me, i'll be worth taking a risk and he'll ask me out. He's done it before with other girls and he isn't shy, more introverted/self-assured. So i'm putting the ball squarely in his court.

 

I know there've been massive threads about girls/guys doing the asking, but i think based on what i know of his behaviour towards girls that he's liked in the past, he is willing to ask a girl out if he realy likes them. The only complication to this formula is his new policy....

 

hah crazy policy. oh well.

[ddnnee]

you could get urself banged up by some guy and get pregnant. That way when you meet him, it's actually 2 on 1 and would void his policy. "where he won't meet up with girls who are his friends, one on one." As for the won't meet up with his friends. Just say "I don't know you" and that would void the "his friends".

 

That's how you screw up his policy.