Told best friend to back off - how to keep her as friend?

[Ja5e]

Ok. Some of you may remember my posts in the past. Same old story.. fell in love with my best female friend.

 

I fought hard to not feel how I did for her , not wanting to ruin friendship etc but it came to a head about 18mths ago when I was told that she suspected I had feelings - so I came clean and we had a chat about it. I told her I loved her , she told me she loved me as a friend.

 

We carried on as friends , and conversely started seeing more and more of each other. I tried to ignore my feelings , but of course they got stronger. Another chat was had a few months later and I got the same response , but she would not let me back off or cool the friendship , she would get upset. So i carried on.

 

More and more date-like nights out ensued , and I realised I was living in hope that if I hung in there she would change her mind.

 

At xmas I had enough , and I asked her for the 4th time to tell me "never gonna happen" , she wouldnt.

 

About 4 weeks ago , I started to suffer badly , jealousy , falling out with other friends who said things against her etc. I fought it again , but after 4 weeks of lack of sleep and mental wrestling I realised that I had to do something to help myself and move on.

 

So , I told her how I felt again and suggested that we follow some rules for a while to try and help me. I asked that if she cared for me in any capacity that she would understand and help me.

The rules were basically , no more one-one nights out as they were far too date-like between us. No more mundane and pointless txt messages everyday. No more ending nights out by cuddling on the sofa etc.

 

I had wanted to do this face-face but circumstances didnt allow and she was getting worried about my health and I didnt want her to worry so did it via an email. I havent spoken to her since and vice versa. She phoned a mutual friend and said she was "surprised" ( which annoys me slightly ).

 

So now , my worry is this. I desperately want her in my life in any capacity. Obviously this is not a good idea at this precise moment in time , but I need to work out how to get it across to her that I have asked for her to do this so that we DO remain close friends in the future.

 

I`ve started to write down my feelings , but in a way that does not revolve around her - ie painting a picture of what i want from life , what excites me , what makes me feel alive - and that at this period in my life she is the one who has given me those feelings - but I need to make it clear that I know that she is not the only person on the planet who could do this. ts just a case of her being the one at the moment. I need to make her understand that I love her so much that I have had to do this to hopefully save our friendship.

At the same time I am worried that , in weeks/months into the future if we resume seeing each other socially , be it alone or in a group of friends , that I will be back to square one very quickly.

 

Is a letter a good idea? A long face-face chat ( we have been known to talk for over ten hours together )?

 

I have not contacted her , she has not contacted me for over 5 days now. I guess she feels the same as me - ie if I contact her I feel like I am going back on my word , and I guess if she contacts me she may feel she is being seen as encuraging me in some way.

 

I feel no resentment to her , maybe a little confused as to why she couldnt see that cuddling and flirting with me etc was not appropriate when she knew how I felt about her.

 

What to do?

[westernxer]

Don't do a damn thing.

[Ja5e]

???????????

[Outcast]

She doesn't care enough about you to deserve your love and devotion. She refused to stop using you as a surrogate bf to spare your feelings. You have every right to ask her to behave as just a friend if that's what she truly wants and she did not. She has issues of some sort if she wants to be with you but is scared of it and she has other issues if she feels it's ok to use you as a surrogate despite the pain it causes you. Either way, she's bad news. Which is probably why westernxer said what he said. Keep away from her - she's not good for you.

[whichwayisup]

Meaning, you cannot be friends with her - Atleast for now - Until your feelings are not as strong for her. You can't handle being "just" friends and she knows this. It's not fair to you to hear about things in her life, get more attached to her and then know that she isn't into you that way. Why put yourself through that??? It's just going to hurt you more than you're hurting now.

 

Keep busy, hang out with your guy friends and forget her. If you two are going to be friends later in the future, you need to have alot of distance from her now. How can you get over someone when you see/talk to them so much? It's NOT possible...

[tikigods]

I agree distance yourself from her cause you are only going to keep bringing yourself pain and hardship if you try to stay friends with her right now.

[lilly36]

I agree- keep the distance-

It sounds like she was kind-of using you to fulfill a need...she knew your feelings for her, but continued to hang out in a quasi-relationship fashion (the text messages and the cuddling and one-one nights) because it kept her from being lonely?

I'm assuming she wasn't dating anyone during this time?

[Ja5e]

I agree with all of you. I am going to keep the distance , and maybe in time I wont want to be so close to her , time will tell.

 

She wasnt dating anyone , and I really hope she wasnt "using" me , at least not consciously. She always stated that she didnt want to see anyone , whether that be me or someone else. She has issues , she is quite naive and her last realtionship ended when the father of her child cheated on her. But this was 3 years ago , maybe she hasnt completely got over it yet.

 

I`ll stay away , I did say I would txt her or let her know in some way that I was doing ok as she was worried about me. I`ll resist this , or let mutual friends let her know how i am. For now though I`m concentrating on myself and trying not to worry about how she is feeling.

[johan]

So now , my worry is this. I desperately want her in my life in any capacity. Obviously this is not a good idea at this precise moment in time , but I need to work out how to get it across to her that I have asked for her to do this so that we DO remain close friends in the future.

 

You want her in your life in "any capacity"? I doubt it. When you love someone "any capacity" won't do. That's the reason people are continually going on about "no contact". It's all or nothing for a reason.

 

Your love for this girl must go away, and any contact you have with her is just going to fan the flames. The thing is though, after your love for her has gone, so will the desire to keep her in your life.

 

So you need to write her off. Her feelings aren't there the way you need them to be. Friendship is not an option right now, and probably never will be.

[travellingman]

- and that at this period in my life she is the one who has given me those feelings - ?

 

and when she no longer is, which will happen, you will lose touch because your feelings for her are fueling the "friendship"

[MadDog]

I've always been puzzled with guys that get into these situations where they have pseudo-girlfriends. I have to ask, how do you you ever get yourself into the situation of cuddling with a girl on a couch without ever having banged her? Is it something like you two were going out but you never took it further?

[Yamaha]

I've always been puzzled with guys that get into these situations where they have pseudo-girlfriends. I have to ask, how do you you ever get yourself into the situation of cuddling with a girl on a couch without ever having banged her? Is it something like you two were going out but you never took it further?

 

 

Usually, MD, it's because the guy fears rejection from this girl because he feels she will say no if he asks her out. He thinks that by being friends she will see all those qualities in him that she is looking for but it usually never happens. She just sees a betrayl of a friendship she thought she had. Yes, she was using him for her own needs and he should have seen this and cut her off long ago when it was never going to go his way. Guys live and learn. Do not use friendship as the way to romance.

[Guest]

I found your texts verrrryyy interesting. Indeed. Copied the thoughts to myself and found some very parallel quotes. Time factors, places. I doubt that I am overly suspicious. S.F. ?

 

Of course not to alarm others, there are 'reasons' as well to define as a mistaken thought. Don't think I ever had such shock reading and rereading. All the ties, of course...

 

I will show this and speak w/my husband.

 

We are separated and my lawyer may contact me and tell me it is nothing, but names and places pulled the puzzle together! How I have searched for my questions!

 

Wrong, off on something that doesn't exist. We are divorcing because of this woman. And I met her here! Yeahhhhh!!!!!

 

Well I don't mean to jump the gun, especially w/forums and the wrong one at that, it could be pure coincidence. I'll be talking to the lawyer to advise me.

 

Hey, thanks!

 

L.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is though, after your love for her has gone, so will the desire to keep her in your life.

 

This is very true. Once you're emotionally detached from her, and can take a step back to really see things clearly, you more than likely won't care enough to want to keep her in your life as a friend. Eventually (the healthier way) the distance, not being in eachothers daily life, will mean less and less to you...

[Ja5e]

I agree with Yamaha and to a certain extent with Maddog.

 

I fear rejection as much as the next guy,but its part of life. However , when I met this girl I had no physical attraction to her. I was in a 5year relationship myself and she was just a casual friend. Even when i became single , it was 2yrs before I started having feelings for her , and by that time she was one of my best friends.

Yes , I should have done something about it when we had that first chat and I told her how I felt , but we both didnt want to stop being friends.

I guess what I`m saying is that sometimes situations like this arent entirely clear cut. If I`d met her in a bar and we`d "dated" a few times and then decided nothing was going to hapen then fine , but it was the fact that she was one of my best friends that complicates this soooo much. Thats why its hurting much much more than just normal "rejection". Hope you understand what i mean.

 

I`ve been in situations with her where I could have made a move sexually , but I`m not the type of guy who forces himself on women , and its not fear of rejection - in this case its pure respect for my friends feelings. If she had made a move on me I honestly would have stopped her and made sure she had changed her mind about me before anything happened. I`m just like that.

 

I`ve had casual sex with other girls , and its a totally different feeling , no emotional attachment , but in this case it was more than just physical intimacy I wanted. It would have been bad if we had got it on one night and then labelled it a mistake in the morning.

[Ja5e]

..just another thought...

 

On the emotional detachment thing... again I`ve experienced this in past relationships ( not all of them though ).

For example , I am good friends with my last ex , we go the movies etc , hang out together , there is nothing between us on any level above freindship , and its cool. Same with a previous ex , although on a lower level. But the girl I lived with for 5 years - under no circumstances would we talk to each other , still to this day ( 3yrs after we split ) if we see each other in the city we avoid each other. This is what I dont want to happen in this instance.

 

I am taking the only course open for me at the moment , distance , and yes it may end with us never being friends , but if thats the way its going to be then i doubt there is anything I can do to stop it without pain on my part.