he is not ready he says

[crushed2285]

Me and ex-bf took a "break" from Dec-Feb and then he actually broke up with me the middle of February. We fell hard and fast for each other (we said I love you after 3 months). We were so in love and it was my first relationship, but not his. We were both 20, now 21. I was very insecure and always thought he would leave me for someone better. I cried to him alot about it and was just very clingy and needy in the relationship. This lack of trust (as he saw it, I never thought he would do me wrong, and he never had, I just was so unsure of myself) frusterated him to no end and our relationship started to deteriorate, the more distant he became, the clingier i got. the push pull thing i guess. We were together for a little less than a year and have been completely broken up for two months now. He had been avoiding hanging out with me (which is hard, cuz I live with his best friend, and he lives with my good friend and we all live in the same apt complex!) for these two months but recently we have hung out the past week or so (not alone but all our mutual friends together) and he began being very flirty with me and we have been kissing on the lips again and he has been calling me baby. He has admitted that he still has feelings for me that are not going to go away but does not want to act on them right now. Last night we were at a friends house and it ended up being just me and him outside and he grabbed me and pulled me tight and we just held each other for a long time (we have been doing this quite a bit lately). He was about to kiss me on the lips then kissed me on my cheek, squeezed me really tight and said "I don't want to lead you on baby." He was like "I can't be with you and I'm sorry." I asked why. He feels it has not been enough time and that he is not ready for "this" (our relationship/the seriousness of it). He said a relationship is too taxing and draining and he doesn't have it in him right now. I know all these are just reasons and the bottom line is that he doesn't feel (for whatever reason) that he wants to work towards this. I told him so. He said nope, he just can't right now. I asked him how he felt about me. He said "I love you and i should shoot myself in the head for doing this." He starts crying and is like "I have so many conflicting feelings and I miss you and I love you but part of me just can't do it right now." He also mentioned that if we got back together he feels it would just go back to the way it was and nothing would be different. He says he hasn't been able to let go of the bad stuff that happened the last few months of our relationship. Basically stuff you guys say about being cautious about getting back together....We talked about how sometimes we just want to run to each other with a funny story or something and how only we get each other. He kept saying "You are making this so hard, please stop making it so hard, I can't look at you it hurts so much". So then we just sat down on the steps and he laid his head on my shoulder and we just caught up, he was tellin me a bunch of hard stuff that's been going on withhim lately, stuff that has been ongoing his whole life and is very difficult and stressful for him. He said "with all this stuff going on there is no way that I could be in a relationship and give it my all." He left the place and came back to give me a ride home(it was cold and raining and i don't have a car, we live in the same building) and as soon as we get in the car he runs his fingers thru my hair and interlocks his fingers with mine and holds my hand the whole way home. When we got out, we held each other and hugged and stuff for a long time and there was so much electricity it felt like and it was so intense we were digging into each other, he was squeezing me so tight i almost couldn't breathe. He then says "I want to ask you to stay with me so bad but I don't want to hurt you." I said yeah if we stayed together that night and it wouldn't mean anything (not emotionally, but as far as us committing to anything) then I would be hurt and so it was probably not a good idea, as much as I want to lay in your arms. He agreed and teared up again and sniffled and said " im so sorry i can't make you any promises baby." we hugged again for a really long time he kissed me on the cheek and the forehead and we said goodnight and I walked off crying my eyes out. I love this guy so much and I know he loves me. I can feel it, see it, hear it in the way his breath quickens when we touch, it's unreal how intense we are when we are together. There is absolutely no one else in the picture for either of us, I am way too hurt to even imagine dating ( I did the rebound thing right after we broke up and it was horrible) and he is not looking to be with anyone (he hasn't hooked up with anyone or dated anyone). He said (not just to me) he will not be giving himself to someone like that again for years to come. He is a very good guy with a great heart and is the one real, good, true person I have ever had enter my life. I don't want to lose him and he is not interested in severing contact. He would not use me for sex or string me along for ego benefits. It's only been two months and he is adamant about it not being enough time to grow, although he has also been clear that he doesn't want me to wait around for him, he wants me to go out and enjoy life. He has a very good head on his shoulders and have always held his advice in high regard. Initially last night I told him that we would just have to never speak again then because knowing that you can't be with me is just too hard and I couldn't do it. But I will see him pretty much everyday regardless and I know for certain that I want him in my life. I said that I wanted to still see him and he was like "oh you will, believe me" I am going to stay in his life because I know you all say no contact but I am not throwing this guy out of my life. I can't he means way too much to me. I guess I am just looking for an assessment of the situtation or any advice yall have?? I still feel like it's not really over and we have way too strong of a bond and that with time maybe we can make our friendship more (we were really good friends before we even became lovers). He gets me more than anyone else and he constantly says he feels the same about me. Anyone got any ideas of what's going on or how I should go about handling this? Is there hope for us?? I would certainly like to think so....Thanks for anything yall have to say....I have been lurking here since December and it has helped tremendously!! I may have still been pleading if I hadn't found this place!

[Baby]

youre doing farely well actually. I know how much u want to quicken this phase, for him to know what he wants. but the only way thru this is to let some time pass and theres no short cut to it. patience is really really hard especially when u love him so much but its the only way. hang in there sweetie. dont talk to him if it helps you cuz it will be so painful if he dont see u two together still.

Just be nice and casual to him since u both cant avoid each other.

Happy Easter to u:)

[Guest]

thank you

 

i was doing really well with the whole situation until these past couple days when the affection got to be more (the kissing mainly). I know he still loves me and has feelings for me so I am not worried about that so much. I need to get my life in order anyways or he is right--i will start to lean on him again and things will go back to the way they were. i am on the right track, i just need to stay on it! Since I know I will see him alot, I am just going to continue being nice, sweet and friendly towards him and if he still with time cannot see how genuine I am about this, then it no longer becomes my problem.

[crushed2285]

thank you and happy easter to you!

i think i am doing okay, but these past couple days were definately a setback. i have been trying to go on with my life, while still having hope, and we are back to a nice place again. it's not ideal, but i would much rather be where we are at now then a few weeks again when he told me he could not look at me because he was consumed with pain and anger. we both have acknowledged the love we have for each other and with time, who knows. but i do know right now i can't sit and wait, as much as i wish that that was the correct solution.

[crushed2285]

anyone ???

[InLimbo2]

Trust me - been there, done that - and believed I was 'different' and he was 'different' and time would heal it - that same thing went on for 2 years and too fast, too soon, not ready for a relationship. It's true - what you read - when a man says he's not ready for a relationship what he really means is he's not ready for a relationship with YOU - nor will he ever be. You are comfort and a 'known' and he does feel for you - but not enough for you to be 'The One". After all that talk - the man I loved - who I thought was different - fell head over heels for another woman in less than 2 months and invited her to move in with him. Will it fail? yep - cuz he's still as unhealthy emotionally as he was when with me - but either way - his "not ready for a relationship' went right out the window when it was a different woman.

[Sal Paradise]

First let me say that I read this but it wasn't easy with the lack of paragraphs. I'm not attacking you just offering some advice. You will get more responses if you use paragraphs. People tend to not bother with big long 1 paragraph rants. So remember "paragraphs are your friend".

 

Ok now thats outta the way onto your problem...

 

Are you absolutely sure he isn't seeing people (or an individual) on the side? I know you say no one is in the picture but I would do a little detective work and make sure that is the case. It won't require spying or anything nasty like that. Just look with your eyes completely open. Maybe ask around a bit. His friends would probably cover his tracks so you may need to ask people who aren't loyal to him. Even if they're your friends as well as his they may be more loyal to him.

 

The reason I ask this is very often in these situations where there is a break, most of the time (I'd guess 90% of the time) the person who asked for the break asks because they have someone somewhere on the side they want to explore things with. Thats why its best to never agree to a break and go ahead and break up. I understand he broke up with you in February, so the break phase is over.

 

He says he doesn't want to lead you on but that is really what he is doing. He gives just a enough to keep you dangling on a limb while he "sorts things out". It is unfair to you to continue like this. I know you want him back but at some point you have to move on. And the only way to do that is to cut him out of your life for a while.

 

Here's what I would do....

 

 

1) Tell him you need to see him. That you need to have a big discussion about your current relationship (or lack there of).

 

2) During this discussion I'd tell him that you can't wait forever and if he isn't prepared to give you guys another chance then you will have to move on with your life. Tell him when this happens you will issue "no contact" (if you're unaware no contact means you no longer see him, hang out with him, chat online, email or by phone, you cut him completely out of your life). When he asks why this is necessary tell him because it hurts you too much to be around him and not be with him. That its unfair to you to wait around forever. That life is too short to be in a permanent state of limbo and the only way to move on from him is to stop being involved in his life.

 

At this point he will either decide to be with you or he will ask you to not do this, to give him a little more time. Tell him that you're sorry and you care about him but he's had enough time and that you wish him well and have no ill will toward him.

 

During No Contact he will make excuses as to why he needs to contact you. He will call and say things like "I know I'm the last person you want to talk to blah blah blah blah, I just want to tell you I really miss you blah blah blah". He will try to do anything he can to keep things as they are. And once he realizes you won't allow this he be forced to make a decision....

 

a) If no one else is involved with him (or if they're not as important to him as you) he may decide to try and get you back by asking to you to give the relationship another shot.

 

b) Or he will move on. I know you would hate this but if you do "no contact" the right way (and don't break it or do it half-a**ed as many do) you will be better equipped to deal with this. Believe it or not there are other guys out there that could make you just as happy if not more happy. You can't see that right now because you're in love but its true.

 

I don't see things changing unless you decide to change them. He is probably happy with the status quo. He has you in limbo and he is free to explore his options.

 

You two can't be just friends. At least not right now (most likely never). You can't be friends with someone when you want more than a friendship. It doesn't work and it will only cause you a lot of pain (which you're experiencing now). It is unfair for him to put you thru this. It doesn't matter how insecure you were in the relationship. He has had ample time to make a decision. HE IS LEADING YOU ON. Whether YOU or HE chooses to SEE IT.

 

Good luck to you

[Guest]

Okay I am new to this site and I can see both sides. I think No contact can work but I have read about loving a person back to you in a book called How To Get Your Lover Back(u can get it at most book stores) It is at touchy matter..but I would for sure try to find out what is causing your behaviors(maybe abandoment issues)..maybe u should get counseling?? I am going through the same thing right now so I know how painful it can be but I pushed him away with these behaviors. Also, there is a book called The Rules when I do the "rules" everything is great when go back to my clingy self everything falls apart. Anyways, best wishes 2 u.

[Kengne]

You said

 

I was very insecure and always thought he would leave me for someone better. I cried to him alot about it and was just very clingy and needy in the relationship.

 

and

 

the more distant he became, the clingier i got. the push pull thing i guess.

 

Later on, he said:

 

"I don't want to lead you on baby." He was like "I can't be with you and I'm sorry." I asked why. He feels it has not been enough time and that he is not ready for "this" (our relationship/the seriousness of it). He said a relationship is too taxing and draining and he doesn't have it in him right now.

 

And

 

"I have so many conflicting feelings and I miss you and I love you but part of me just can't do it right now."

 

plus,

 

he was tellin me a bunch of hard stuff that's been going on withhim lately, stuff that has been ongoing his whole life and is very difficult and stressful for him. He said "with all this stuff going on there is no way that I could be in a relationship and give it my all." He left the place and came back to give me a ride home..

 

I guess I am just looking for an assessment of the situtation or any advice yall have?? I still feel like it's not really over and we have way too strong of a bond and that with time maybe we can make our friendship more (we were really good friends before we even became lovers).

 

 

1. It IS really over - FOR NOW. I was going to advocate NC, but since you insist on keeping him in your life here is my slightly revised advice instead.

 

Can you really just be his friend?

Without expecations?

Without holding onto the hope that one day he will change his mind and want to be with you again?

 

Because even though there is no one else in the picture - FOR NOW - you can't possibly be naive enough to believe that he will not run into other females he MIGHT possibly find attractive and/or stimulating.

 

Females who AREN'T as clingy/needy as you were.

Females he MAY eventually be interested in, when his life settles down some.

Females he may even FALL IN LOVE with!

 

The future is untold. And you two are still sooo so young with your whole lives ahead of you. I'm only 23 myself, so don't think is coming from some old fart. Things change girl. People change.

 

ANd no matter how much he loves you - the fact remains that he does not want to be in a relationship - WITH YOU - because of how taxing it was - WITH YOU.

 

The only way for him to change his mind is with... yup, you guessed it, TIME.

 

And the reason I, and everyone else here advocates NC... is because it gives YOU the chance to heal from the breakup and your EX the TIME to miss you.

 

No one is saying you can NEVER be friends down the road or you should just chuck him out of your life.

 

But I can guarantee you this ... your strategy of staying in his life, in the HOPE that eventually you guys will just evolve back into being more than friends... has been tested by MANY and is a sure fire way to guarantee the exact opposite.

 

You believe that by staying in his life as a friend... he will somehow magically remember and see how wonderful you guys were together, right? And maybe change his mind about you two, right?

 

But what you FAIL to realize is he knows EXACTLY how wonderful you were/are. And despite it - he still broke up with you. Staying in his life - RIGHT NOW - is not serving ANY purpose to 'remind' him of what he had. He KNEW exactly what he had - a clingy, needy gf who cried alot and taxed him emotionally - and guess what? He STILL he chose to walk away from it.

 

You staying there as his friend is not going to spur him AT ALL to re-think his decision. All he can feel now is relief, due to the end of your rel'ship which was taxing him.

 

The only hope you have... is to go NC with him - FOR NOW. I know you don't want to go this route, because right now you are emotionally addicted to him. You cannot fathom not speaking to or seeing him for a prolonged period of time. You don't want to let go.

 

But girl... this is one of the times where you really have to do what's best for you - EVEN if it hurts - and 1) give yourself the opportunity to heal & detach from him emotionally and 2) give him the TIME & opportunity to miss you.

 

HOW and WHERE will he find the time to miss you, and see what he's losing out on if you're just always there?? He has the best of both worlds now - YOU in his life, as just a friend but he can still hug & kiss you - but BEST of all NO taxing 'relationship' to commit to. He has it all!

 

And what, pray tell, do YOU have from this situation???

 

Men fall in love and stay in love with women in the S P A C E S we create. You were clingy & stifling, and that's why he fell out of love with the rel'ship.

 

Give him space... a whole lotta space... and MAYBE he will come back.

 

If after some time of NC you still want him in your life as friend - and you can handle being JUST FRIENDS! - then contact him. But right now you're holding onto this 'friendship' because you want to be in a rel'ship. And that's NOT the right reason to stay in contact with your ex.

 

Good luck.

 

K.