When it comes to fantasies, women get the short end of the stick...

[typical]

Yesterday I sat and ruminated over the subject of fantasies right after something "came up" (literally AND figuratively)

 

I began to feel angry, not just for myself, but for bunches of women. I started to think upon just how slighted we women are when it came to breathing room for fantasies....

 

Men have it so easy, trust me. Men can get away with just about *anything* because they are "very visual creatures".....This makes it hard on women to know exactly when things have gone too far and the lines of respect have been crossed. It is getting to be very difficult to understand the boundaries in a healthy sexual appetite/relationship.

 

Let me share a story with you to help you understand my dilemma:

 

I have a friend who is a lesbian. Recently, this friend of mine expressed sexual desire for me. She is a beautiful woman, but in every day life, I am not attracted to women. I have engaged in a fantasy or two (like most women) but have absolutely zero desire in recreating those events outside of the lines of fantasy.

 

BF has yet to meet this friend. Knows about this friend, who I find amusing because she always hits on me. I have relayed stories here and there, but stopped when BF started to become jealous. I have talked on the phone once or twice with her (nothing inappropriate, she just happened to be with my other friend when the other friend called).

 

To be fair, I should probably point out that she is not a normal everyday part of my life. I dont talk to her on the phone, I dont go out and visit her, we dont go shopping or catch a bite to eat, we dont chat on the computer. When I see her, we stop to talk for awhile and then it is on to our seperate lives.

 

NOW the tricky part.....

 

Recently, when my BF and I begin to have sex, he brings up this woman (whom he has NEVER met, talked to or even seen a picture of, I havent even described her to him) and would I like her to kiss me here....or there...eat this...or that....or do this...or that....could he watch while we do this and that......he always includes "call her and ask her if she wants to.....but only for ONE time, and after that, no more"

Its fun, its hot, its good for the moment.

 

However, yesterday, in the middle of sex, he stopped and asked me if I could call her and ask her *now* if that was something she wanted to do....Still I wasnt sure if this was part of the *skit* as in I call her and talk sexy with her for a few minutes while BF listens in....either way, it was pretty uncomfortable...but we resumed sex without me calling her.....after all, the fantasy always stops when the sex ends, so where was the harm done?

 

EXCEPT.....AFTER we finished sex, and were both satiated, he asked again if I would call my friend and ask her if we could get together...thus sensing my confusion or to dull the hurt I think, he adds in "but ONLY for one time, okay"? (As if I would be the one asking to do it more than once)

 

To me, that was when things began to get ugly in my head.....sex is when the reality ends and the fantasy begins....and when the sex ends, so does the fantasy....only he wanted to take it a step further and actually ask me to call this girl AFTER we were done,cleaned up and relaxed for a bit.

 

I felt mean, and hurt.I ignored him for awhile until he got the hint that maybe I was a little hurt. He said "it was only a fantasy"...yeah right, 15 minutes AFTER we had sex and he asks me to call her? So I responded with "sure, I will call, can we call one of your male friends to come have sex with me too"? and he was PISSED....Started ranting how I need to respect him, and was I crazy, and such and such....

 

So now I feel confused and unsure about things.....it is one thing to have a fantasy in the midst of sex, quite another to actually drag it over to reality.....Plus added to the fact that for the last 5 or 6 times we have had sex, the lesbian scenario is ALWAYS brought up!

 

advice needed...thanks!

[bluetuesday]

yes, i agree there's a world of difference between fantasy lesbo threesomes and real life threesomes.

 

talk to this guy. tell him you don't want to bring anyone else into your sex life. perhaps you haven't made this clear up to now. perhaps he thinks you just need a little encouragement. it could be that once you've made it clear, he is fine.

 

from his pov, you've told him this girl hits on you and gone along with fantasies about her. it's hit the jackpot for him, because he's a normal bloke with constant lesbian fantasies. but he's probably just unclear where the fantasy ends because, well because he's not a mind reader.

 

he thinks it gets you going all the time, like it does him.

 

but once you've made it clear, if he moans, tell him what REALLY gets you going is the thought of you watching him with another guy. see how tantalising a threesome sounds to him then.

 

and if he moans, you should probably also think about dumping him.

 

trust me, i don't care how perfect he is in other ways. if he is content to pout and put pressure on you until you do something he knows you find uncomfortable, he's a slimeball.

[blind_otter]

 

trust me, i don't care how perfect he is in other ways. if he is content to pout and put pressure on you until you do something he knows you find uncomfortable, he's a slimeball.

 

I agree.

 

Dude, I have no problem joking about it, but I wouldn't indulge anyone even talking about that while we were f***ing. An imaginary female, sure why the hell not. But not someone that I have to like hang out with IRL. I don't want to have those images making me uncomfortable while lunching with said female.

 

I think you're perfectly within your rights to explain to him (since it seems you're OK with him talking about this during coitus) -- that he crossed the line from fantasy into reality. And what the hell does he have a right to be mad about if he's suggesting you call a female, and then when you mirror his behavior abck to him, he gets pissed off? What logic does he base THAT double standard on? The handbook of male lesbo fantasies?

[typical]

What logic does he base THAT double standard on? The handbook of male lesbo fantasies?

 

:lmao:

 

Yeah..he saw red for sure...he was raging at me....

 

I am wondering a couple of things now....

 

Do you think that he disrespected me? Do you think if he actually asked me to follow through with this, that our future together is going to be a bleak one? He is always saying how he has never seen two women together before.....in a way that is like he is missing out b/c most men have....which most men have not, so WTF? Go rent a porn then...

[blind_otter]

Look, he can hear my story about how I thwarted a guy who I was actually HAVING a threesome with. I got bored, got up, put my clothes on and read William James' "Varieties of Relgious Experience" in the living room while they finished.

 

No one had a good time and everyone pointed the smelly finger of accusation at ME. Hey, look, it is boring and kind of complicated and it just isn't as exciting as they say.

 

And what they say about men not being able to satisfy two women is JUST so true.

 

This happened to me twice, I have to say. Twice. Both times I got bored and walked out.

 

I think that your BF has a bad case of not realizing that fantasies realized can be total crap. TOTAL crap. I don't know that I would leap to the conclusion that he doesn't respect you. He may just be kinda dumb in this respect. Which isn't an implication, IMO, because few people have the opportunity to realize their fantasies as much as I have, and thus be confronted with the sticky smelliness of disappointment.

[NTB]

"but ONLY for one time, okay"?

 

your guy is looking for a threesome any which way he can get it. it is something that has been on his mind for a while and if he can get you in on it great if not then he will go looking for it in another place

[typical]

it is something that has been on his mind for a while and if he can get you in on it great if not then he will go looking for it in another place

 

That is what I was trying to say.....WILL he go looking for it in another place because he cant get it with me?

 

NTB, what made you pick that particular phrase out and thus draw those conclusions? How do you know it has been on his mind for awhile?? Indulge me.

[catgirl1927]

I don't know if he'll cheat because of this. He's testing to see if you are really interested in it. I would question how serious he is about you.

[typical]

He's testing to see if you are really interested in it. I would question how serious he is about you.

 

 

That was what I was trying to ask too.....if he was really that serious about me...??

[catgirl1927]

That was what I was trying to ask too.....if he was really that serious about me...??

 

All that I can say is, more than one man has told me that threesomes are not something they would consider with someone they really cared about.

 

That is not to say that if I brought a hot lesbian home and wanted to have sex in front of my BF that he would kick her out.

 

But he would definitely rethink our plans to get pregnant next year, I think. And if he was ok with it, even if it was fun, I would too.

 

I have no idea what stage your life is at, and just because that's my experience doesn't mean it's the final word.

 

What you need to do here is TALK TO HIM about it. Tell him how it makes you feel that he suggested that.

[typical]

All that I can say is, more than one man has told me that threesomes are not something they would consider with someone they really cared about.

 

And I was under that impression too....that it was something that most men would not seriously consider doing it if they cared about their partner....what I want to know, is why not?? Why do most men have this thought? That if they truly loved someone they wouldnt ask for threesomes?

[catgirl1927]

 

 

And I was under that impression too....that it was something that most men would not seriously consider doing it if they cared about their partner....what I want to know, is why not?? Why do most men have this thought? That if they truly loved someone they wouldnt ask for threesomes?

 

Well, because if they love someone, sex with them is special. It's not just sex purely for gratification any more.

[typical]

What you need to do here is TALK TO HIM about it

 

Talking to him about it is DEFINATELY not what I should do. Nothing gets accomplished, either he pretends he is really tired, has a headache, gets mad, ignores me or just lies and says what he really meant to say was xyz.....

 

Besides, when I got mad and said "sure, lets invite a friend of yours to have sex with me too" and he got mad, I told him it was the same thing, and why did he say it then, and he said "it was only a fantasy, I wasnt for real"

Sure you werent for real....after you found out I was pissed, and 15 minutes after we had sex, and everything else.....but up until the point I was pissed, you WERE for real.....but I dont bother explaining this to him, because he lies.

[Outcast]

It is always a mistake to try to judge one person against a fantasy standard of 'most men' or 'most women'. People are just not that generic. Have these discussions with him, not with strangers who aren't him.

 

There are men who fantasize about seeing their women having sex with other men - why? Because watching their women enjoying themselves turns the men on. You don't say he asks to have your friend service HIM. He wants to watch YOU enjoy yourself with a woman. So talk to him about why he'd want that - IMHO it's a kind of compliment that a man wants to enjoy watching you in the throes of sex, even if in real life doing that sort of thing would be problematic.

 

Explain to him that fantasies like that are messy and uncomfortable when carried out in real life. He hasn't figured that out yet.

[TeaCooler]

Talking to him about it is DEFINATELY not what I should do. Nothing gets accomplished, either he pretends he is really tired, has a headache, gets mad, ignores me or just lies and says what he really meant to say was xyz.....

 

Besides, when I got mad and said "sure, lets invite a friend of yours to have sex with me too" and he got mad, I told him it was the same thing, and why did he say it then, and he said "it was only a fantasy, I wasnt for real"

Sure you werent for real....after you found out I was pissed, and 15 minutes after we had sex, and everything else.....but up until the point I was pissed, you WERE for real.....but I dont bother explaining this to him, because he lies.

 

so...why are you in a relationship with a disrespectful, hypocritical liar who you can't even communicate with?

[catgirl1927]

Yeah, that sounds pretty bad. I think it may be time to tell him you think you guys are looking for different things and should maybe part ways. Bottom line, he's made you feel bad and his reaction was to get mad at you. I don't really like it.

[NTB]

That is what I was trying to say.....WILL he go looking for it in another place because he cant get it with me?

 

NTB, what made you pick that particular phrase out and thus draw those conclusions? How do you know it has been on his mind for awhile?? Indulge me.

 

if a guy is in a relationship this is not something he is just going to throw out to the GF.......in his head he thinks about it, ponders it, wonders how his GF will handle the idea, thinks about how he will bring this up in conversation, run it by other buddies to get feed back etc....and then when he thinks the right time has arrived he will tell you about it. thus the friend that hits on you was perfect for him cause it is almost like he himself didn't bring up the idea it just happened. he will keep at you until you finally tell him "hell f***ing no" and even then (being the guys we are) not get it and ask why not. he'll drop it but again be looking for the opp to bring it up again.........and if he can't get it with you and you friend then rest a sure if another occasion comes to play were 2 other females are all for it he will jump at it.

[Guest]

Simple - you encouraged the fantasy and certainly didn't object to it, so after going through it several times he thought you were serious. The next step after fantasising about something for a while is to try it out. So he probably thought you actually wanted to do this, but maybe were too shy so you only talked about it when turned on. You've put some idea into his mind that this could actually happen, and like most straight guys he thinks two women in bed would be pretty damn cool.

 

As for your response, has he ever told you he fantasises about you in bed with him and a male friend? No? Then chances are he doesn't like the idea. You talked about one fantasy repeatedly, giving him the idea that you might actually be into it, so then he suggests trying it for real - totally unsurprising. You don't talk about another fantasy at all, so he would have no idea that you might want that, and then out of the blue you suggest it - well, totally unsurprising that he gets damn pissed and wonders where the hell that came from.

 

Really you've been incredibly naive here IMO. You have no one to blame but yourself, and your "hey why not get a friend of yours to f*** me" was a real low blow. If I were him you'd be in the doghouse for the next week or two to put it mildly!

[Guest]

And what the hell does he have a right to be mad about if he's suggesting you call a female, and then when you mirror his behavior abck to him, he gets pissed off? What logic does he base THAT double standard on? The handbook of male lesbo fantasies?

 

If he had told her lots of times about how he fantasised about a MFM 3some involving one of his friends, then yes it would be a double standard. But since he mentioned nothing of the kind, and it was her encouraging this FFM fantasy all along, then I really don't see how it's a double standard at all.

[aleatoryd]

While I don't want to see this situation turn ugly... the thread and your life I think there are some problems here with different points of view. Some people will think that you led him on just by telling him about your friend, others believe he will cheat on you because you won't do what he wants, some think he was doing it for your happiness.

 

Because of course the lesbian thing is your fantasy and not his isn't it? Gee I think we need to all calm down and relax around here. I think everyone has sexual fantasies and they are a perfectly normal part of us exploring our sexuality. However not everyone chooses to act them out.

 

I for one wouldn't want my future wife sleeping with anyone else be it a male/female/animal/electronic friend whatever. That is because i would hope that I meant something to her and could satisfy her needs. If I couldn't or she entertained thoughts then tough decisions would have to be made.

 

If he expects you to sleep with another woman then he is not only perverse but he has also has very little respect for your dignity. Don't bother with the would he like his best friend to sleep with you - would he like to entertain the thought of you watching him and his best friend sleep with him. Strangely as a guy I don't have guy on guy fantasies... perhaps that is rather reassuring.

 

Explain to him that is the equivalent of what he is asking. That should sober him up to reality. If however he is still immature and just wants sexual exploitation then I think you really need to reconsider if he's the right guy for you.

[justagirliegirl]

Look, he can hear my story about how I thwarted a guy who I was actually HAVING a threesome with. I got bored, got up, put my clothes on and read William James' "Varieties of Relgious Experience" in the living room while they finished.

 

No one had a good time and everyone pointed the smelly finger of accusation at ME. Hey, look, it is boring and kind of complicated and it just isn't as exciting as they say.

 

And what they say about men not being able to satisfy two women is JUST so true.

 

This happened to me twice, I have to say. Twice. Both times I got bored and walked out.

 

I think that your BF has a bad case of not realizing that fantasies realized can be total crap. TOTAL crap. I don't know that I would leap to the conclusion that he doesn't respect you. He may just be kinda dumb in this respect. Which isn't an implication, IMO, because few people have the opportunity to realize their fantasies as much as I have, and thus be confronted with the sticky smelliness of disappointment.

 

Yeah their huge egos want to believe they can! :lmao:

[lonelywoolf]

He's jealous about your feelings and insecure about your relationship, he crossed the line for see what you really wanted! when you asked him about put some male friend inside also > he got angry wit you because he's thinking that you are up for everything ( kind of fetish). watch out for your relationship ! if you really care , give him security about you , don't incentive his fantasies because you will make him think bad about you .( he's testing you)

You can believe on me I know what I'm talking about ( real experience ) my english is not very good because I'm Brazilian Man( I'm living on here Usa Ok )

 

 

Take care

[typical]

Thank you to everyone who responded with this.....

 

Lonelywoolf,

I think that you were the closest to what the truth of the matter was. He was jealous, insecure and when he thought he couldnt "beat" the situation, he tried to "join" it....also I do believe he crossed the line to test me, and kept pushing it....

 

I did "instigate" this whole lesbo scenario with him, this is true....but not in the way that you all might think.....

When the subject of this lesbian friend first came up, as I said, I would share little stories here and there, it was a source of amusement for me because:

 

I am not a Lesbian, and I find the whole idea that I am getting hit on by one so ruthlessly rather funny.....

I figure he would find the humor in it as well....

 

I was wrong. He became angered and wanted me to sever all contact with her immediately. Once I found out that he was not okay with it or her, I stopped joking about it.

 

But, if she happened to be with my other friend at the same time, I wouldnt blow her off when she spoke with me.

 

Soon, everyone I talked to on the phone was "her" according to him. He would go into a full fledged rant about me talking with unsavory Lesbians and so on....He became unrightfully jealous. I tried to assuage his fears but to no avail.

 

I stopped talking about her altogether.

 

Then the subject of her came up again because the phone rang and it happened to be her and my friend. She said something inappropriate. BF asked what she said. I told him.

 

This was when our first sexual encounter happened that dealt with lesbians. He was jealous, angry AND horny.He said "do you like your friend to kiss you...."

I thought, by going along with it, he would eventually mellow out and stop being so jealous. Instead, this little plan of mine backfired.

Of all the posters here, lonewoolf was the closest to the truth....

 

I sat him down yesterday and told him the difference between fantasy and reality.....I brought up the point that if he really loved me he would of never asked me to do that....

I told him, I am not a lesbian, I never will be, I will never ever have a threesome with you, not ever, and that if this is what he was looking for, I will gladly take a break with him and basically "wait" while he had his fun and came back to me.

 

He definately did not want that, but says that I woke up the idea inside of him because i talked about it so much. Again I told him, I will not hesitate right here and now to break up with you if you think you are missing out on something, I will wait until you are done with your threesome (or watching one) and when you are finished you can come back...he said definately not, he doesnt want to leave me...

 

then he said this: "I am glad you told me this because One day you are going to be my wife and the mother of my child. I would hate to think of you as ever being like that. I know now that you are truly a good woman"

 

He WAS testing me.