If you love them, set them free

[mlchris2]

It's been some time since I last visited. To report, I'm doing much better than what I was before. I still have made some attempts to get my wife and I back together, but all attempts have failed. I've been NC for 2 months, we only talk when its concerning the children and overal the conversations are friendly.

 

I cant say for sure, but it looks like I'm in the middle of a long-term seperation. there was a time, she threatened divorce, so I backed off. Then I tried attempted divorce, in an attempt to get her back, that failed. So I ended up giving her half the cost of divorce over 3 weeks ago and told her I really would like a long term seperation. I havent heard anyting from any lawyer or her about it. My plans are to try and chill and see what becomes if it.

 

Are outcomes of long term seperations USUALLY good or do they end up not working, becuase one or both of the parties dont give it their all to find, resolve and forget about the past?

 

 

I told her awhile back, just how true the old addage is "if you love something, set it free". She agreed, that if our love was meant to be, then things will work out.

 

How many believe the old saying has some truth to it? How many dont believe it?

[dgiirl]

I think it has merit, because what's the alternative? Tie them to a chair in the basement feeding them bread by hand? I'm not sure true love would grow from that lol I think the likely hood of you two getting back together after so long apart is probably very low, atleast one, if not both of you will probably move on, but it's the best chance you have right now. You really have no choice BUT to let her go, focus on yourself, improve yourself for YOU, and if she comes back, great, if not, well you've already started to move on and live your life so no loss there.

[Chinook]

... it's whether you believe in it.

 

For my own experience, I can tell you that after a period of a year my anger towards my ex dissipated enough to consider reconciliation.

 

The only problem was, at that time... I was too scared of going back and getting hurt again. Since that time however, he has moved on and found someone else. Despite no third parties being involved in our initial break-up the once longed for reconciliation is now not possible and I am left with shattered dreams.

 

If you want it, yes allow enough time to pass to heal the hurt. But also, keep communicating, and keep proving to her that you can be what and who she needs you to be. It is true that if you truly love someone and set them free, if they were yours all along, they will come back to you... if not, then you will have still allowed yourself the risk of giving them that gift of freedom and happiness and that is truly only yours to give.

 

I hope it works out. Have faith.

[Trimmer]

I think it's too simple, and a bumpersticker phrase isn't enough to encompass the subtleties of a marriage relationship at risk.

 

I've always been concerned about just what "...set them free" means. Indeed, you can't tie her to a chair in the basement, but on the other hand, if it just becomes "cut her loose" and "if love was meant to be, then it will work out", then what seed can ever germinate and break through that layer of apathy and inaction? While you wait, the weeds grow in the garden just as vigorously as the vegetables.

 

It's easy to decide NOT to do anything, but what will come of it? And once you've decided not to do anything, it will probably only get easier to let things atrophy. A marriage takes a decision and a commitment by 2 people to work, and requires apathy on the part of only one to make it fail. If you both set each other free, in the "cut each other loose" sense - and wait for fate to make things "work out", doesn't that greatly dimininsh the possibility that you will both come back to reach a place of commitment and action to put things back together?

 

The other thing, and I hate to be a naysayer, but again stemming from the idea that inaction is easy, is it possible that her ready agreement to your statement of "if you love something, set it free" was just an easy way to get you off her back in the medium-to-long term? From your description, it sounds like she is pretty closed down to any overtures, etc. Apart from anything she has said, have you seen any action on her part to indicate that she holds any hope for the future of your relationship? You brought up divorce to try to draw her back; kinda sounds like she threatened divorce to get you off her back.

 

Jeez, I feel like Debbie Downer here; I would love to find out that I'm reading it all wrong. My experience is that my wife was completely the one driving our breakup, she had her decision made well before she engaged me in the process, and I now understand and accept that decision is final. And yet, now that I'm off her back (I have "set her free...") she would probably be satisfied with just staying separated indefinitely, at least until it becomes a logistical problem (like a remarriage, or something like that...)

 

So this isn't about me, but is there a resonance with your situation? is it possible that you are setting her free with the idea "Something may happen and develop and get better over time.." while she is thinking "Phew, some relief from all that icky, unpleasant relationship talk..."

 

One of the hardest turning points for me was asking my wife outright, point blank, "Is it over? Should I stop trying?" Out of fear of the answer, I had kept saying "If this is over, you owe it to me to tell me...", which was a weaselly way of me being able to avoid directly asking the question and her being able to avoid directly answering it. When I finally got the cojones to ask it directly: "Should I stop trying?" she gave me a simple and direct answer "Yes", and as much as it sucked, it really just confirmed what I think I really already knew by that point, and more importantly, it let me get on with what I needed to do next in my life. It released me from the jail cell of uncertainty, and let me stop wasting my time.

 

So what is my point? Am I getting to a point here? Do I even have one? Oh, yes! I think that "if you choose not to decide..." (* lyrics by Neal Peart...) that you should do it with a concrete idea of where each of you are starting out and what your possible visions for the future are, with more depth than just "set them free" or "que sera sera".

 

So I'm a little torn here. Having said all the above, I fully agree with dgiirl's closing comments; you can't control her, you won't be able to make her do something, and the healthiest thing for you to do is to work on yourself, which will produce benefits whichever way things go.

 

I guess you need to "set her free" in the sense of you giving up trying to control her outcome - you can't - but I also think you can't just "cut her loose" with both of you replacing all attempts at connection or communication with apathy, without some kind of more in-depth meeting of the minds about what you are doing. Otherwise, it's just undefined limbo.