Weak

[Guest]

So I am in a second time around here. This time is not going as well, unfortunately. She isn't focusing on me at all compared to what we used to be, and she is very lethargic towards me. I know everything is still there inside of her, but it nothing has sparked yet this time around. At all. I don't know if I am asking how to do that, or what.. but I just wanted to toss it out there.

 

-frustrated

[riobikini]

Guest,

 

I think that, usually, during second chances, one or both of you are secretly hiding doubts, wondering if your efforts are worth it, and looking for the other to show signs of falling back into former behavior or whatever it was that caused the break to begin with.

 

You are in a constant state of 'Quick-Exit-If-Needed' mode while still trying to appear (or truly be) sincere in your reconciliation effort.

 

This certainly dampens the romantic notions, and points out there are still trust issues that need attention.

 

There's alot of 'homework' to do before deciding if you're ready to try it again with someone.

 

Regarding your partner, you can beg and plead with her to open up and let go of her fears, but I doubt you'll have much luck in getting her to lower her defenses, -those come pretty naturally in this situation.

 

Some carry the hurt of the previous breakup right back into the second chance.

 

Others, feel pretty 'lucky' they even got the second chance, and eagerly want to put everything back into place exactly the way it was before, thinking that will cause the 'good times' from before to reappear.

 

And, I believe, much too often, once the decision is made to begin the steps towards reconciliation, couples become too excited, skip over as many of the 'steps' as possible, and quickly move back in together -and then, try too hard to regain the best of their old lives back.

 

Too soon. Too much pressure. Too much focus on the satisfaction of the reunion. Unrealistic or too idealistic expectations that sound good, but aren't sound. And too little, or no work on the actual problems which still exist.

 

Some, or all of these are normally present at the 'get-go' with second chances, and have potential to set you back, (perhaps, farther back) than you were to begin with, at square one.

 

It's important to realize that breakup is emotional trauma the way a physical wound is to the skin in many ways, -it takes time and care to heal it- and you need time to heal from the trauma of any previous breakup before you ever think of reconciliation.

 

The term 'rebounding' in relationships is used to describe someone who breaks up, doesn't wait to heal, and dives into another relationship just to feel 'loved' and comforted, but you can also rebound right back into your own previous relationship because of the same feeling of loneliness and/or fear that you'll never find anyone whom you can love as deeply.

 

Guest, your post was a little short on details, but the above may be a few places to start looking for answers to you and your partner's problem.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[BBetsy]

I went through a similar situation. My boyfriend broke up with me last summer for two months to try a reconciliation with his ex-wife who had broken his heart before we got together. I was so devastated and contacted him constantly. She dumped him again so he came back to me. He said he was so happy to be with me and everything was back to "normal" for a couple of months and then he did the emotional distance thing and it dragged out for months with me being miserable and scared and insecure until he just broke up with me again three months ago. This time, for real. He won't reply to me at all, it's like he hates me now. He's dating someone else - I would assume he had her lined up already when he broke up with me. So, my experience was that it was never really the same after we got back together - I was insecure the whole time knowing he could just dump me again, and sure enough, he did.