Worried7 Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 I have always told myself not to snoop; but today i was bored & tried to guess my boyfriend's email password & msn messenger. Well, this particular one was the one he stopped using a couple of months ago but when I opened it, it had me of course but no other guys just about 11 or 12 women that I have never heard of before. One of them lives somewhat near him. We have been together for almost 3 years so don't get the idea that this was before he met me..and my screen name was " I love[his name] so much!" He has always told me that he doesn't have anyone else on his list, so I know that was a lie.. The Question is : What should I do now? I know I should confront him about it, but when exactly & how? We have both been under a tremendous amount of stress today so should i keep it to myself for a while? What do I do? This is totally going to bug me until I get an answer. And how do I know if he is lying about it if he doesn't tell the truth. Thanks plz answer back A.s.a.p. Love, Worried7:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
tearful_soul22 Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 this is an extremely difficult situation you have, but, to get to the point i think you two should sit down and talk about this "chat list" maybe he has forgotten about this particular account and the women there simply means nothing to him but just friends. then again maybe he is keeping this list as an option. so it's probably best to confront him, and be tactful about it. don't accuse or insinuate before you find out the truth. the sooner you get this out in the open..the better it is for your mental health. let's just hope he tells you the truth upfront. goodluck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 I think you need to forget what you saw.. You snooped and didn't find anything bad.. Just because these people were on his list doesn't mean that he would talk or contact them. I have email addys and people/old gfs on my im lists that I no longer speak to or want to speak to again.. You said it yourself that he no longer uses the account.. albeit he was using the account while you were together .. but it still doesn't matter. Dating someone or being BF/GF doesn't mean that a person should get rid of all emails addys or lists or letters or anything relating to your past.. Leave it go or expect to ruin your relationship.. Stop snooping.. that is wrong and illegal.You are not his wife so you have no right to any info on any of his accounts Link to post Share on other sites
Author Worried7 Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Kay well I just found out ( since he added a new person to it) that he still is using the damn account. So now what ???! I thought this crap was behind us! I didn't even bring it up to him yet I guess I could ask around to how these people know him, or delete the account & say I didn't, or just ask him about it, or change his password and say I Didn't. He'll never know the difference. If he's gonna be dishonest to me, why not do the same damn thing? If it will protect our relationship. Jeez dude I thought this was all in the past! Boy, was I wrong. Wierd that it's the same time I was gonna move in with him ( well in a few months). Ugh, my life. Damn drama! Advice? asap plz. Thnx. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Why don't you write down the usernames of those girls and start chatting with them with your own account to find out their age/sex/location and what they're about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Worried7 Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Why don't you write down the usernames of those girls and start chatting with them with your own account to find out their age/sex/location and what they're about. um, too alte I already said hi to one of them. is this wrong? what should I say to her? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Why don't you write down the usernames of those girls and start chatting with them with your own account to find out their age/sex/location and what they're about. ohhhh... that would soooo be me..... Worried7 have you read my "did the deed "post in the breakup section? read it! Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 um, too alte I already said hi to one of them. is this wrong? what should I say to her? You mean you're talking to her from HIS account? Don't do that because he'll really get pissed off at you if he finds out. Also, some messengers are on a setting so that the user archives all the conversations so be careful. Make an excuse to log off like "hey i got to go talk to you later hon". Talk to them from your account to get the dish on what they're about. THEN if it's really bad news you can log from his account and have more of an idea of the girl and what to say posing as him and see if it gets sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 is there a way to save a chat history? i would look into that, and guy save EVERYTHING....they're stupid about that! Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Ok now we're getting somewhere. I know for sure with Yahoo messenger there is a setting that you can select that will archive all messages. You can save it, print it out then delete it so he will never notice to collect your evidence. I don't know about aol and msn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Worried7 Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Ok now we're getting somewhere. I know for sure with Yahoo messenger there is a setting that you can select that will archive all messages. You can save it, print it out then delete it so he will never notice to collect your evidence. I don't know about aol and msn. well we're on seperate computers so that doesn't help. I live 14 hours away haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Worried7 Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 oh & I already spoke to one of them..she said she doesn't even remember why he's on her list. but she did say that he spoke 2 her last week..but didn't really say much. But what pisses me off is he didn't tell me who the hell she is or even that he spoke to a friend & that's odd. She says she never was interested in dating him or liking him or anything & that there is nothing to worry about with her. I trust her cuz we just had quite the convo. & I get a good vibe. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Why not save yourself some anxiety and just have a conversation with him and ask him about what you already know.. If you are going to be able to trust this man you are going to have to learn how to communicate with him. I think that by continuing this stealth behavior at this point is making your emotions run high... Just talk with him. If you can't communicate about this issue then your question about the relationship is answered anyhow.. Link to post Share on other sites
Delectable Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 The angel on my left shoulder is telling me to tell you to be prepared to admit that you snooped and have a discussion with him about it. He will be pissed that you snooped ... justifiably but you are already pissed that he lied....you two need to talk about this The devil on my right is telling you to ask the girls,"so how long has it been since we've...." and let the chick say "we've what" and just say "y'know" and let them fill in the dots.... It's your choice Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 If she asks him, he will say it is all in innocent fun but she will always wonder in the back of her head. If she does her detective work and finds out it is innocent, then she can get it out of her mind permanently. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 If she asks him, he will say it is all in innocent fun but she will always wonder in the back of her head. If she does her detective work and finds out it is innocent, then she can get it out of her mind permanently. If she can't trust him the relationship is already shot.. By her continue to snoop she is actually making the problem worse.. she is creating a break in the bond of trust on the other side.. Sorry.. that is the way I feel.. I think he will never be able to trust you again after he finds out how far you took your snooping before actually speaking to the man you are supposed to love Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Snooping is mandatory in a relationship to know what the real deal is. You can't trust anyone more than yourself realisticly despite how much love is involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Snooping is mandatory in a relationship to know what the real deal is. You can't trust anyone more than yourself realisticly despite how much love is involved. That is a jaded viewpoint.. not a healthy one to have Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Yours is a little naive, mine a little jaded. Let's say he really loves her, but is still having some cake on the side. Most likely he will not admit it to her if he really loves her out of fear of losing her. As a result she won't know and will be in a relationship she would have otherwise chosen not to be if she knew the whole truth. One way to find out the truth is to get the information yourself and be hands on in this world. In fairy tales you would not have to go that route. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I'm not naive at all..I have been thru my share of relationships/marriage to have some experience in trust I'm saying that without the basic communication of talking about issues the relationship will not go any further.. The issue of trust in the OP post seems to have been created and magnified by her and she needs to discuss this with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 The fact that he told/lied to her that she is the only one on his messenger list when he has a growing list of other women, and she's supposed to stick her head in the sand and take his word on the next question which is how far he is taking it with them. I guess we disagree on how to go about it. If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't have lied to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirliegirl Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Fun2beme, got to agree with you. I thought everything was fine until I snooped out of boredom and found out I was being lied to. I am never going to say a word to him but at least I know and I know to keep my eyes open from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I am never going to say a word to him but at least I know and I know to keep my eyes open from now on. Now that is healthy ... where did you learn covert/coverup as a relationship tool ? Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 If she can't trust him the relationship is already shot.. Okay then it's shot. If she could trust him the first post would have been along the lines of "Oh dayum I by mistake got into my BF's Messenger and lo and behold there were quite some gals listed aside from me. He's such a stud it's funny! I half wonder why he didn't tell me, I'll ask him, by all means, but meanwhile I adore the feeling of seeing them hanging around there when I know he's ALLLL mine." How probable is to ever read that sort of a post Art_Critic? You're very right on communication, I can't agree more. But on trust? It vastly depends on the person, your idea of it may not be the same as mine and it doesn't make any of us wrong. It's a matter of personal definition. Link to post Share on other sites
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