Poll: Do you really want to know?!

[My_Other_I]

Help me out here.

BS, do you really want to know?! I mean, didn't you know already and lived in denial? Looking back after you discovered, didn't things make sense?

So, do you really, really want to know?

Would you believe a random woman/man if she/he called and said your H/W was cheating on you with her/him?

 

I am trying to decide. I say telling is none of my business, on the other hand I hear "I wish someone had told me" all the time.

[mopar crazy]

Personally, I would want to know if my H was having another A so I could kick his cheating a$$ to the curb and start my life over to find someone who wouldn't cheat on me.

 

At first I was in denial of his first A (during our seperation/D). I didn't ever think he would cheat on me. I honestly did trust him, it was OW I didn't trust.

[Pyro]

Of course I would want to know. I would not want to invest 100% of my life my time, and my heart into someone who is not doing the same in return. Sure it will hurt to know, but it is only temporary pain.

[jonesgirly]

I would want to know because I DESERVE to know.

[My_Other_I]

I see. What about live and let live? I'm trying to do the right thing here. Telling is not what I want to do, but I've seen so much pain here that I am seriously considering it.

 

My next question: even if you didn't believe the OP, would that at least make you more suspicious and aware?

[Guest]

can you clarify?

 

Are you the OW? Or do you just know a friend is cheating, so you are unsure of whether or not to say something to the partner?

[lilly36]

Can you clarify? Are you the OW? If so, I don't think you should tell. It isn't your place. It would be like a slap in the face to the wife. Besides, the W may not believe you, then it just makes you look like a crazy person. People will only believe when they are ready to believe.

This goes for anyone who is considering telling someone this. Inevitably, some blame will somehow come on you-- ie

1- why didn't you tell me sooner?

2- why are you telling me this at all?

It puts ALOT of responsibility on your shoulders.

 

Deep down, this person probably knows. It isn't necessarily your place to bring it to light unless you are REALLY, REALLY sure it is the right thing to do.

 

It also may make the W feel even worse, like "does everyone know but me" kind of thing.

[Curmudgeon]

Live and let live is fine until it intrudes on my life or the life of someone I care about.

 

I'd certainly want to know because especially after my experience with the ex, infidelity is an instant deal-breaker!

[My_Other_I]

Can you clarify? Are you the OW?

I was the OW. That's a different story. By saying that I mean yes, I was the OW and having gone through that experience I wonder if the BS wants to know.

 

If so, I don't think you should tell. It isn't your place. It would be like a slap in the face to the wife.

And when she finds out it won't be?

Besides, the W may not believe you, then it just makes you look like a crazy person. People will only believe when they are ready to believe.

I don't expect her to believe me even though I do have proofs. As long as she starts being more allert about what's going on around her, my goal will have been accomplished.

 

 

 

Deep down, this person probably knows. It isn't necessarily your place to bring it to light unless you are REALLY, REALLY sure it is the right thing to do.

I'm really not sure which one is right. To know and not tell or to know and do tell.

 

It also may make the W feel even worse, like "does everyone know but me" kind of thing.

Imagine how she feels when she finds out. I bet it's worse then that. I know because I was seduced and lied to by her H. Noone else knows (except for the whole LS community :-P ).

[catgirl1927]

I would want to know, but I wouldn't believe just anyone. There are too many people with axes to grind. My BF was quite a player before we got together and treated some people pretty poorly, and there are several girls among the pack of hos following all his hot friends in his home town who would LOVE to make me feel bad.

[OzGirl]

What if you were told anonymously? I know it might make you question whether it's a real or fake claim, but it would lose that sense of instantly thinking the OW (or ex-OW) has an incentive to get your man?

 

Alternatively, what if MOI posed as a 3rd person who had the W's interest at heart, and just sent her some evidence (ie, in the mail) so that whether it's happened can't be denied, but the W has the comfort of thinking maybe someone is looking out for her?

 

Knowing what I've read of MOI, I believe her best interests ARE at heart for the W. By not identifying herself, can that come through in a way that assists both her endeavour to the truth setting maybe her and the wife, free?

 

MOI - this is a really good question you've raised. The answers are also interesting. It's a bit like a W would want to know, but then wants to be selective about how she finds out as to whether it would believable or not.

 

Wrong forum to say this, I know, but isn't it ironic how the OW is often cast as someone with vindictive motives? If only they knew the pain we've endured at the mercy of their H's. To say we deserved it doesn't remove the fact he willingly did painful, weak, deplorable acts to both the W and the OW. They both only realise it retrospectively.

 

So, what about anonymously, posing as a 3rd party?

[My_Other_I]

Let me just state that I am in no way vindictive. I could have done many ugly things to him and his w if I wanted to.

I did not know he was married. I asked and asked and asked, and then I finally found out for myself.

If I didn't care about his w, I would not start this poll. I don't see that guy anymore, I have no hard feelings for him, I am not broken hearted or anything like that. I just wonder if I should warn his w and give her a chance to live her life the way she chooses to. I also know that it's none of my business, but I know that I would want to know if my H was cheating on me. Stranger or not. Just tell me, damnit. If he is making a fool out of me when I love him with all of my heart, I want to know. If you screwed him, give me at least that - information.

Am I wrong? I'm still not sure what to do.

[reena]

I wanted to know,and did talk to the girl. My husband was caught because she left a message on our answering service and he had no idea we even had that feature on our phone. I asked her how they met,and assured her I wasn't blaming her,poor thing was fed a bunch of lies. She was only 18 and he was 28..lied to her about his age and a ton of other bs..just unbelievable. I believed her that nothing ever did actually happen between them but some phone calls and plans to go on a date.When I confronted him, he said he didn't call her back because she wanted to make it a double date,and he knew he wouldn't get any then. Thse men are such creeps.

Go ahead and tell her,because eventually she will find out,maybe not about you, but whoever else he will try to con into sleeping with him..save her the wasted years.

[lilly36]

Given that you were lied to and no longer have ties to the H- maybe you should tell her. It sounds like this guy is a DOG!!!

You can tell her. It is up to the W to decide if she wants to believe you or not.

I was recently cheated on. I'm not sure how I would feel about the OW telling me- if she was still with him, I wouldn't want her telling me- it would be too easy to take anger out on her than the partner- however, in your situation, you were also lied to.

Keep in mind that she may not believe that you are no longer with him.

Would the H know it was you that told the W? Would there be any kind of revenge you think the H would take out against you?

[My_Other_I]

Given that you were lied to and no longer have ties to the H- maybe you should tell her. It sounds like this guy is a DOG!!!

You can tell her. It is up to the W to decide if she wants to believe you or not.

I was recently cheated on. I'm not sure how I would feel about the OW telling me- if she was still with him, I wouldn't want her telling me- it would be too easy to take anger out on her than the partner- however, in your situation, you were also lied to.

Keep in mind that she may not believe that you are no longer with him.

Would the H know it was you that told the W? Would there be any kind of revenge you think the H would take out against you?

Well, if my gut feelings are right, he will lie his way out of it. When presented the proof, he would become a sad doggie - remorsefull, saying it was a mistake. I don't think he would do anything to me. He would probably know it was me, but I gave it to him right and I think he feels guilty as is. As a matter of fact he called me today, telling me how he is gonna try to do things right, that he is ashamed of his behaviour. I don't know if I believe him, but maybe I should just leave them at that. I will not tell her as of now, but if he comes onto me one more time, I will call her.

[mental_traveller]

Yes I'd want to know and so would my lawyer.

[catgirl1927]

I wouldn't accept anything that was told to me anonymously. This is not a television show. If you want to get involved, sack up and get involved. If someone is trying to hide who they are and giving me information like that, I would assume it's because they are afraid of being called on it. I would suspect they were lying.

[Blind Illusion]

I personally would want to know.

 

There are always going to be some people that might not admit it, but don't want to know. For whatever reason, they might not be able to do something at this point and you are putting them on the spot to do exactly that. For that reason, I prefer to do so anonymously, if I was going to interfere in the first place. If the person chose not to believe, that would not be my problem.

 

As for the other person being the one that exposes, that gets tricky. Of course one would presume that they have their own agenda and be less apt to listen. However, they would probably be the person with the most accurate information since they were a party to this triangle to begin with. I personally would not become this informant, anonymously or otherwise, but that's just me.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

MOI -

 

I have read your posts the past several months. I get that you are not vindictive, or out just to get even b/c he hurt you, and are trully caring about letting the wife know just what kind of man she is married to.

 

If you decide to tell her, I would go along with the other poster who said you would have to do it anonymously and with proof. If you do it as the OW, you will not be believed and you will be made out as a vindictive crazy b****. Even with proof. If you do it as the OW, he will use that to show his W that HE ended it b/c he knew it was wrong and now you are jealous, out to get him, etc. She WILL come to his defense and even though in the back of her mind she will have the proof, it will still be in the back of her mind.

 

Even doing it anonymously, that may still happen. You never will know the end result; however, if it will let you be free of your guilt. Not guilt for the relationship ... you didn't know he was married, but for being another woman aware of what is happening to another.

 

In answer to your original question, I am one spouse that would want to know.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Sorry - posting twice here, but I put myself into the situation and changed my mind. I might get some comments here from other BS, but this is my thought.

 

If the OW (whether the relationship had ended, or is still going on) were to come to me and talk to me then I would listen to her. I don’t necessarily know what I would do with that information, and I know it would hurt, but I would want that information.

[Teag]

I just found out my H has been cheating on me for about a month and I wish someone would have told me in the beginning. The only person who really knew was his best friend until I caught them toether at his house hugging. Thankfully it didn't get any further then a few kisses.

I would want to talk to the ow ONLY if I she didn't know about me which in my case she did & she's played w/ my child, so when I jumped on her she got what she desearved.

I think you should tell her especially if you have proof. Good Luck.

[serial muse]

Help me out here.

BS, do you really want to know?! I mean, didn't you know already and lived in denial? Looking back after you discovered, didn't things make sense?

So, do you really, really want to know?

Would you believe a random woman/man if she/he called and said your H/W was cheating on you with her/him?

 

Yes, I would have wanted to know. (Former BS here.) I did not know already; there was no denial.

 

Look, people and couples go through rough patches that have nothing to do with sex or even each other. I've read many comments about how the wife should have known (I even thought that way once). A lot of times those comments seem to come from people who haven't experienced the myriad, confusing day-to-day stressors that can accompany a long-term relationship.

 

But it's not necessarily so obvious when you're in the middle of things. Stuff is happening all the time in life, and if you're with someone a long time, your first thought about whatever might be wrong between you isn't necessarily "he's cheating on me" unless you have a reason to think so.

 

Would I believe a random person? Not necessarily, but it's certainly true that if someone had at least planted that idea in my head it would have stunned me, and then I would have started looking for those signs to verify it for myself. I simply never thought to do so before; I trusted him.

 

Can you clarify? Are you the OW? If so, I don't think you should tell. It isn't your place. It would be like a slap in the face to the wife. Besides, the W may not believe you, then it just makes you look like a crazy person. People will only believe when they are ready to believe.

This goes for anyone who is considering telling someone this. Inevitably, some blame will somehow come on you-- ie

1- why didn't you tell me sooner?

2- why are you telling me this at all?

It puts ALOT of responsibility on your shoulders.

 

Deep down, this person probably knows. It isn't necessarily your place to bring it to light unless you are REALLY, REALLY sure it is the right thing to do.

 

It also may make the W feel even worse, like "does everyone know but me" kind of thing.

 

Sure, I'd suspect her motives. Sure, I probably wouldn't like her very much (because I'd probably assume she was involved - otherwise, how would she know so much?). But does that matter? If the OW tells for altruistic reasons, or even to get the MM in trouble, then I can't see that it matters what the W thinks of the messenger. If the OW tells because she wants to commiserate, she may have to wait for the BS to be reasonable until she has a chance to absorb and process the information.

 

And no, as I said, deep down the person doesn't necessarily know. I don't think it's a question of whether it's "her place" to tell - after all, I have to make the obvious point that it isn't anyone's place to get involved in an affair in the first place, by that logic.

 

But if she wants to tell out of simple human decency, then I can't see how that isn't someone's place.

 

As for the "everyone knows but me" point - she's going to think that anyway. But I'd still rather know than go on blindly trusting someone who doesn't deserve it.

[lovernotafighter]

I believe I mentioned on here before that my husband has cheated on me now I'm the OW

 

anyway to the point...a woman my husband worked with came to me and told me my husband was actively pursuing her..coming in early to talk with her and trying to arrange to spend time with her and I didn't believe her at all...I didn't even confront my H.

 

it was in the same year I found e-mails to and from a friend of mine who I also trusted and I had let them do things together with out batting a eye lash (ball games,swimming,amusement parks etc..) and found they were in fact having a EA and were discussing a PA.

 

so I have to agree with many people here..anomalously is the best way..see I thought the girl he worked with just wanted me to kick him to the curb so she could have him...and I wasn't playing in to someones trap...but as it turns out she probably was telling me the truth...I choose not to believe her because of who she was.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I didn’t answer this portion of the main question.

 

No, I did not know. No clue what-so-ever. As Serial-Muse said, with the day-to-day struggle of life the “signs” that pointed to a problem were passed off to the things that were happening within ourselves ... not the marriage.

 

That, and I completely trusted my husband. Blind-trust if you will, that an affair couldn’t happen to US, we were completely in-love.

 

Looking back I did know that SOMETHING was off, and I did question H about it. He ALWAYS put the blame of his depression to his health. Depression, as anyone who has experienced it (either first-hand, or from a friend/loved one) affects every part of their life. Not once did I ever think that he was giving his emotional attention elsewhere. However, with that said this was very short-term ... perhaps one month of me not knowing. If it would have been a longer term EA I might have then started questioning further and wandering if it was b/c of another woman. But a month long one that only occured at work? It wasn't long enough for me to get any sort of bearings on the cause at that time.

 

Now that I can look back with a completely open mind and eyes (since I know the whole story now) I can see where his depression led him to have an EA with a co-worker. But ... could that even have been prevented if I had known, or had a gut-feeling? In my case, I don’t think it could have. I think my H NEEDED to go through that in order to accept that which he cannot change in himself.

[Its-all-me]

YES!!!!! As long as it is the truth TELL ME! I would much rather hear the truth from my husband but we all know that does not happen much. At that point, I dont care if it is from a stranger, I WANT TO KNOW!