Poll: Do you really want to know?!

[StrivingtoSucceed]

Nobody knows the big picture. What if the wife never finds out and they live happily ever after?

 

And what if the wife finds out and they get divorced and their kids suffer and she re-marries and the other man molests the children, etc.?

 

What is the big picture?

 

RP - The big picture to me is ...

 

I want the opportunity to decide if this is the love I want in my life. I want to know the man I'm with. I want the chance to make that choice. As he did.

 

And if I decide I don't want to stay, I want the chance to find new love, on my terms.

 

I know life isn't fair. I know nobody "owes" anybody anything. But I still think there are such things as justice, and honor, even if it's only abstract. And I think it's justice, to give the wife a chance to make those decisions for herself.

[serial muse]

That's exactly why I was considering it in the first place. I wanted to give her a choice. I do struggle though; I don't know much about them. Maybe she is like Record Producer and maybe she doesn't want to know.

 

But, RP said she does want to know. She just wouldn't want to tell. From the W/BS perspective, so far, it's been unanimous - everyone on here would want to know, it seems.

 

I think to tell or not to tell certainly is the harder question - it's a thankless job, except if, in fact, it helps to resolve lingering guilt, as you said earlier. If you tell, are you "helping" her (the W)? I think so, but I'm biased. I don't envy you the choice, but I respect you for even considering it. It's dam' decent of you.

 

I don't know...I'm sure there are people who would rather not know. But I don't know any of them, in person or in cyberspace.

[Blind Illusion]

 

I don't know...I'm sure there are people who would rather not know. But I don't know any of them, in person or in cyberspace.

 

You know, (and I am not really addressing this solely to you, SerialMuse, just needed your quote) I have been rethinking my initial reply to this thread. When I claimed I would want to know, I automatically put myself in a *normal*,loving partnership when I answered in the affirmative.

 

Now fast forward to my "real" life where I live in a practically sexless marriage with a verbally abusive man with a whole host of other sins. Infidelity, (that I know of) is the only one he has managed NOT to do. I am currently in the process of getting out by changing my employment status to some part-time work several hours a week to my full time work that I did before I had my second child. Rome, however, wasn't built in a day or even a month.

 

Yes, part of me would still want to know simply because I would hate the idea of him thinking he is getting away with anything. However, there is another part that doesn't really need yet another example of why he is a totally screwed up individual. It will make the time left in this marriage more difficult to endure than it already is.

 

I realize most marriages are not like this at all. I am just posting to say that every once in awhile there are extenuating circumstances that don't fit into the mold of what life, if perfect, should be like.

[RecordProducer]

But, RP said she does want to know. She just wouldn't want to tell.

Thank god, somebody understood me.

 

I also know what the big picture is for me, but I don't know it for other people. I can choose my future or accuse myself for my mistakes. But I don't want to steer other people's futures or feel responsible for their big life changes unless I am ABSOLUTELY sure that I am only helping them and nothing else.

 

And I am not sure that telling the wife is only helping her and not harming her at all. Most wives have stayed married and lived in agony after discovering the affair one way or another...

[serial muse]

You know, (and I am not really addressing this solely to you, SerialMuse, just needed your quote) I have been rethinking my initial reply to this thread. When I claimed I would want to know, I automatically put myself in a *normal*,loving partnership when I answered in the affirmative.

 

Now fast forward to my "real" life where I live in a practically sexless marriage with a verbally abusive man with a whole host of other sins. Infidelity, (that I know of) is the only one he has managed NOT to do. I am currently in the process of getting out by changing my employment status to some part-time work several hours a week to my full time work that I did before I had my second child. Rome, however, wasn't built in a day or even a month.

 

Yes, part of me would still want to know simply because I would hate the idea of him thinking he is getting away with anything. However, there is another part that doesn't really need yet another example of why he is a totally screwed up individual. It will make the time left in this marriage more difficult to endure than it already is.

 

I realize most marriages are not like this at all. I am just posting to say that every once in awhile there are extenuating circumstances that don't fit into the mold of what life, if perfect, should be like.

 

Hey BI. I have to agree - I think your case is considerably different, because (from reading your other posts) it sounds like you've already emotionally checked out of your marriage, for various reasons...and as you said, infidelity wouldn't make a difference to a choice you've already long since made.

 

My argument was for those who would want the opportunity to make that choice with clear eyes.

 

Not to hijack, but I am curious - would knowing that your husband cheated cause you pain at this point?

[My_Other_I]

That's a good argument, good point.

 

In my case I had seen notes from his wife saying that he is the love of her life. One can only assume that she meant it, but if that's the case than she is not living the life she thinks she is living.

[Blind Illusion]

 

Not to hijack, but I am curious - would knowing that your husband cheated cause you pain at this point?

 

At the risk of sounding like I am the Queen of Double Standards, it would probably bother me or perhaps my pride if I was really honest. It would be a feeling of disgust and not a feeling of deep heartabreak. I don't think, anyhow.

[Trimmer]

RP - I didn't mean to jump on you here - I'm really trying to understand you. Believe me, I am totally familiar with ambiguity and shades of grey, have always lived with them and I'm even learning to embrace them, partly in order not to be drowned by them. I wholeheartedly admit that nothing is all-black or all-white. I am not all-good or all-right; my twice cheating STBXW and mother of my children is by no means all-evil. Ambiguity is the medium in which I paint - a major theme in my life, but I paint it with the brush of equilibrium: being able to feel my way to a stable point somewhere in the expanse of grey.

 

Now having defended my grasp of ambiguity , after reading back over your comments, I think I missed a subtle implication in one of your statements that made me think you were totally flip-flopping - let me ask for clarification: I thought you were pretty clear that you would "want to know", even using "DEFINITELY" in capital letters, but then in your fact #2 in post #49, you said you would not want to know and would rather live happily. I thought that was a major flip-flop and I didn't understand it, but the point I didn't digest was in that statement you said if he "did cheat on me in the past".... in the past... So is your point that if it was happening currently, you'd still definitely want to know about it, but if it was something that had happened in the past and was now over, you would rather just go on if you could live happily? If that is the case, then whether or not I agree with you, I at least understand the difference, and I see that it's not the flip-flopping that I thought you were doing.... If that's so, I apologize for my misunderstanding.

 

So back to My_Other_I:

 

What's eating me away is wanting to do the right thing for once and not knowing which one is the right decision.

 

Either way I will feel guilty. If I tell I will be responsible for her pain, if I don't tell I will be responsible for her wasted years and my cowerdness. But yeah, I will never know no matter what I do. So it pretty much comes down to what would make me happier, doesn't it. That makes me selfish, doesn't it. Ugh!

 

I'm going to try to put this in a way that isn't moralistic (with major good-natured ;) to RP...) but I believe that if you stopped your relationship with this guy as soon as you found out he was married, if you didn't allow it to continue on after learning that fact, and you cut him loose without ambiguity, then you have already done "the right thing" upon finding yourself in a bad situation.

 

You are not responsible for her pain: he is 100% responsible for that, for going outside their marriage and having an affair. You are not responsible for any wasted years on her part if she never finds out: he is 100% responsible for that if he decides not to tell her. And if that's the case, then he is also 100% responsible for adding even more to her pain if she ever finds out later through other means, or if he chooses to have other affairs while they are married.

 

This is a situation he created - he broke it, he owns it. I think you are entitled to not tell her and go on with your life sleeping peacefully, knowing that this man chose to hurt his wife and their marriage - whether she is aware of it or not - but that this was not a choice that you made.

 

I think you would be equally entitled to tell her, and still sleep peacefully, knowing that her certainly considerable pain was caused by the choices he made.

 

The never knowing part - you'll have to learn to live with that, and I know part of that is trying to know that your last act with respect to this couple was "the right thing." But you can't know what will happen to them, and frankly, you are an outsider to their marriage; you are not really even entitled to know about their future. And I don't say that to be harsh, I say that to help you release yourself from "them". You are not a part of "them," you don't need to know, you don't get to know.

 

So in making your decision, don't let soothing your guilt be an issue. You are not responsible for either of the two people in this marriage. If you can give up your guilt as a factor in your decision, maybe you can feel better about whichever way you decide. Unfortunately you are faced with a "two evils" type of decision here, and it's sure hard to see whether either one of them seems any "lesser."

 

However, to your original question, pretty much everyone has answered "I would want to know" - some pretty strongly, and some of them BS's who have walked that difficult path - with only two conditional exceptions by my count: RP who said not if it was in the past (but other than that she said she would want to know) and Blind_Illusion who said in the context of an already-severely-dysfunctional marriage that she might prefer not to have one more whack in the head. If I missed some other negative responses, feel free to point them out...

[RecordProducer]

So is your point that if it was happening currently, you'd still definitely want to know about it, but if it was something that had happened in the past and was now over, you would rather just go on if you could live happily?

Yeah, I guess. I mean if he cheated, knowing how much he loves me and is faithful, I would know that it was a mistake that he regrets (I am as sure as I could possibly be that he didn't though). So why ruin a great, loving marriage NOW?

 

But if he's cheating now or in the future, I would like to know and decide whether I want to leave the marriage or cheat back.

[Trimmer]

Yeah, I guess. I mean if he cheated, knowing how much he loves me and is faithful, I would know that it was a mistake that he regrets (I am as sure as I could possibly be that he didn't though). So why ruin a great, loving marriage NOW?

 

But if he's cheating now or in the future, I would like to know and decide whether I want to leave the marriage or cheat back.

 

Well, while I don't feel the same way, at least now I understand your point.

 

But if I find out he's cheating on you right now, shouldn't I convince him to break it off, and then still keep it from you, so that after a while, it will be 'in the past' and you can all go on with your happy lives? Do you want me making that decision for you? Is it OK if I take that decision away from you?

 

I do remember, back in the "marital bliss" phase before the first time my wife cheated on me, that it would never have crossed my mind to wonder about cheating, to "want to know" or anything like that - it was just so totally inconceivable anyway that any such discussion would have been outrageous on its face. But I think knowing about that first incident of infidelity was important in my ability to understand who I was married to after that, and even more importantly, to understand and frame what was going on 10 years later when she left me after nurturing an EA (at least) that she hid from me. Given that experience base, I am now a "want to know" person, and I am thankful for all the truths I learned along the way (although maybe I didn't even learn all of them!)

[RealityCheck]

Hell Yeah! I would want to know! Even if I suspected I would be taking extra measures to confirm the situation by possibly hiring a Private Investigator! I would not want to invest all of what I have to offer someone if I am not getting it in return. In addition, I am not prepared to put myself at risk to receiving any sexual transmitted diseases either! Nothing is worth dying for!! Especially a "Cheater".!!

[2sunny]

Yes, I would want to know!

 

To have knowledge of ANY situation in life gives you the opportunity to make the most educated decision - no matter what the situation is. If you don't have all the facts, then it's only half of a decision.... going on blind faith, I hate that feeling!