Poll: Do you really want to know?!

[StrivingtoSucceed]

SS, I am tired of the moralistic preaching on LS, the dos and don'ts, the striving to make other people perfect as if the posters here are perfect. I just can't imagine myself telling some wife that her husband cheated on her. I had a friend (not a very close one, but we would talk about our lives); her BF of 8 years cheated on her multiple times and finally left her for some wealthy girl that he cheated on her with. He was bragging about his trophies in front of me.

 

She asked me after they broke up whether he has cheated on her and I told her: "If he did, he's never told me anything about it." They were already broken up, but even if they were together or married or she were pregnant, I couldn't get myself to spill it out.

 

It's easy to come on LS and say "You gotta do the right thing!" but imagine yourself telling your friend such a thing. Could you?

 

RP -

 

Just to clarify why I had asked you and my point of view as it wasn’t intended to be moralistic, or say this is right and this is wrong, just my opinion and my feelings.

 

As a friend I would find it extremely difficult to have to tell someone their SO is cheating on them. As a family member I know I couldn’t do it. Case in point - ex-sister-in-law kissing guys in a bar while I was with her. First I was shocked, then mad. I never told my brother, even after they got a divorce (due to her wanting to be with another guy) I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to hurt him. Wrong, or right, I just couldn’t do it.

 

In MOI’s case - she didn’t know the guy was married until after they were involved. I assume from her posts that she is wanting the wife to know what kind of guy she is married to.

 

I agree that there are OW who want to tell to create drama, cause problems, etc., but don’t think this is the case here. But, in either case, I would still want someone to come to me and tell me ... if it isn’t my H, then the only other one available would be the OW.

[Blind Illusion]

I would like to be aware, but I wouldn't want to be on the other side and deliver the bad news. I find it it's none of my business. I would tell my mom, sister or best friend, but not a woman I don't really know or associate with.

 

THat would be me to the letter. Otherwise I feel like I am appointing myself with the title of "Great Morality Protecter" of all relationships. Not that I am condoning any sort of behavior of a questionable nature. Not that I am not feeling sympathy for anyone's imperfect situation. I really do. It's just that I always feel like once I mastered my own self and own life, then maybe I can think about righting all the wrongs in others, especially people that I do not know.

[SueBee3490]

I would also appreciate knowing because of the fear of AIDS, herpes, or any other sexually transmitted disease.

 

The sooner you know your SO is screwing around, the less "risks" you will be taking at getting AIDS. I was so mad at him for screwing others without using protection when I was screwing with him not using protection because I was under the false impression that we were monogamous. I am on the pill but because I was faithful and thought he was too, we didn't use any other protection. It's not fair if he would have given me a disease or, heaven forbid, AIDS, then I may not be around for my 3 kids who had already lost their father to leukemia. The more times I had sex with him without protection and not knowing he is cheating, then each time it's like Russian roulette with my life. I let him know that if I would have gotten something from him, I may be another Lorena Bobbitt and he wouldn't be happy.

[My_Other_I]

 

The OW was fine with the MM cheating on the wife when she was involved and now she suddenly wants to tattle tale the bad guy as if she has nothing to do with it. It just smells like revenge too much.

One more time; I DID NOT KNOW THAT HE WAS MARRIED. What do I get out of telling? Hm, I'm excited about her hurting, I'm excited about me not being sure whether or not I did the right thing, I'm excited about having more drama in my life, I'm excited about her hating me. Right. I'm full of revenge...

Read the previous posts before accusing me of something ugly like that:(

 

For those of you who wonder - no, I am not involved with him anymore. Finding out was a deal breaker. Like I said, I was the OW before, I knew he was married and I want to believe that I have learned my lesson.

[My_Other_I]

This is a great discussion. It brings me to another question: Would it really matter in the end what your motives for telling were? The destruction would be the same, wouldn't it? Vindictive or not, wouldn't it cause the same hurt and results?

I know some OW tell the W in hope she will kick the cheating H to the curb and the OW would have him for herself (what a sad way to get a man), which I don't think happens or lasts, but do you think that it really matters when it comes to reasons? Look at it in the long run, the big picture.

What do you think?

[StrivingtoSucceed]

In the big picture would it matter? Nope? My reaction would still be the same no matter the reasons for the OW in telling me.

[My_Other_I]

In the big picture would it matter? Nope? My reaction would still be the same no matter the reasons for the OW in telling me.

That's what I thought and that's why I only asked whether or not you wanted to know.

Thank you.

[target-d]

This is a great discussion. It brings me to another question: Would it really matter in the end what your motives for telling were? The destruction would be the same, wouldn't it? Vindictive or not, wouldn't it cause the same hurt and results?

I know some OW tell the W in hope she will kick the cheating H to the curb and the OW would have him for herself (what a sad way to get a man), which I don't think happens or lasts, but do you think that it really matters when it comes to reasons? Look at it in the long run, the big picture.

What do you think?

 

Would it matter to the BS? I doubt it. Most probably no matter what the true motive is the BS would assume that it was motivated out of the hope that the BS would kick out the MP.

 

A better question, IMHO is does it make a difference to the OP who tells? I believe that the answer to this is yes, it matters very much. If the reason for telling is vindictive, then the damage to the OP is greater. I believe that any action that is made for pure vindictiveness are damaging to oneself.

 

I do need to acknowledge here, though that some degree of revenge is sometimes needed in order to move on with life. Care needs to be exerted, though not to begin a cycle of revenge.

[My_Other_I]

But do you really think that it would matter to a vindictive OW in the long run? If anything it would only hurt her, but that's just my opinion. I just don't see how it would matter in few years besides the guilt the OW would feel about her motives - that is if she has remorse and human feelings.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

But do you really think that it would matter to a vindictive OW in the long run?

 

In this case I would think it would only matter based upon the outcome.

 

If OW is telling only to be vindictive then if the BS decided to drop the H, then the OW might think that she won. If the BS decided to do all that she could to bring her H back to the M, then the OW might think that at least W knows what a scumbag her H is.

 

Of course this is with the thought that the OW is telling as a strike to the man (or woman) who hurt them, not as a strike to the BS.

[target-d]

If anything it would only hurt her, but that's just my opinion. I just don't see how it would matter in few years besides the guilt the OW would feel about her motives - that is if she has remorse and human feelings.

I am of the opinion that it would hurt her regardless of any guilt she may or may not feel. That is, that damage occurs whether or not one is aware of the damage. That is why I say the damage is worse to the OP who tells if the motive is purely vindictive.

[target-d]

If OW is telling only to be vindictive then if the BS decided to drop the H, then the OW might think that she won. If the BS decided to do all that she could to bring her H back to the M, then the OW might think that at least W knows what a scumbag her H is.

 

Of course this is with the thought that the OW is telling as a strike to the man (or woman) who hurt them, not as a strike to the BS.

 

Wouldn't the OP think they won if the BS decided to drop the WS no matter who the intended recipient of the hurt was? (either the MP or the BS?) This is saying the OP did "win" or even that there is such a thing as "winning" in this situation, rather just that the thought would be there.

[Blind Illusion]

 

If OW is telling only to be vindictive then if the BS decided to drop the H, then the OW might think that she won. If the BS decided to do all that she could to bring her H back to the M, then the OW might think that at least W knows what a scumbag her H is.

.

 

When an affair is revealed out of vindictiveness, I don't think (I could be wrong) that the person hopes to win back the MM. (who, obviously, won't be overly fond of OW after that). It's more along the lines of feeling betrayed and angry that you (MM) go back to your life as it was and no one was the wiser but mine (OW) is in shambles. It's more a strike against the inequity in that.

 

I am not saying that anyone on the board thinks like this, myself included.

I am not saying that vindictiveness is My_Other_I's motives since its already been established it is not.

I am just saying.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

What I meant by the OW would think that she “won” is that she “got back at the person that hurt her.” Not that she “won” the man himself, or that she now has a shot at him, but that she came out on top so-to-speak

[Trimmer]

Fact #1: I never said she should not tell the wife!

 

My apologies, then... I must have subtly misinterpreted the following statements of yours...

 

We said we would like to know, but no one said we're pro her telling the wife or forcing him to tell her and no one said they themselves would tell her.

 

I wouldn't want to be on the other side and deliver the bad news. I find it it's none of my business.

 

You want to do a good deed? Go give money....

 

...as being implicit advice for her not to tell. I withdraw from this one...

 

Fact #2: I said I would want to know. But then I'm thinking if my husband did cheat on me in the past, I'd rather not now, cuz I'm very happy now and know he loves me and believe he never cheated on me. Would you like to ruin my happiness to tell me that he screwed some woman last year?

 

So, now I'm thoroughly intrigued - in the end, which way do you want it? Happy and ignorant, as above, or:

 

I am pro-truth. I think I have a right to know the truth about my life.

[My_Other_I]

OK, now I feel like I need to clear myself again. I have not been hurt by this man, and therefore my motives are not vindictive. I admit I was mad since I hate liars, but I also admit that I have overlooked red flags. I hold no harsh feelings towards this MM, or his wife in that matter.

I don't know him enough to be able to assume the outcome of me telling his wife.

My reasoning behind the whole 'to tell or not to tell' ordeal was whether or not she would be better off knowing who she is married to. Maybe she does know and maybe she does the same thing. Or maybe she loves him and blindly trusts him. I really don't know.

So to all of you doubters out there; I do ask a lot of questions out of curiosity. This whole discussion has brought a lot of other questions, but that does not mean that if I ask something I'm asking because it's what I'm thinking. I am just asking because I want to know.

[My_Other_I]

I don't think (I could be wrong) that the person hopes to win back the MM.

I have seen situations where the OW reached the point of extremem frustration where she would tell the BW just to force the MM to make a decision. She hoped he chose her, or rather she hoped the W would send him packing and he would run to the OW.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

My reasoning behind the whole 'to tell or not to tell' ordeal was whether or not she would be better off knowing who she is married to. Maybe she does know and maybe she does the same thing. Or maybe she loves him and blindly trusts him. I really don't know.

 

You will never know the answer to that. Even if you tell the wife, she won't admit to you if she suspected it, or knew about it.

 

I think what you are looking to do is ease yourself of the guilt. Not guilt like other people might think. Guilt b/c you are a woman and just as you wouldn't want to be treated like this man is treating his wife, you don't want other women to be treated that way either. So, b/c you know what this man did, you feel you owe it to the W, so that she can do with it what she will. Correct?

 

This isn't a situation where you are a friend and know one party is cheating and you don't feel it is your business. This IS your business because HE made it your business. HE brought you into it.

 

If you don't do anything, I think it will eat away at you. It seems to be already.

[My_Other_I]

In a way you are correct. There is certain amount of guilt. I don't necessarilly feel guilty since I didn't know, but I know that I would want to know if my H/BF was messing around on me. But that's just me. What's eating me away is wanting to do the right thing for once and not knowing which one is the right decision.

Either way I will feel guilty. If I tell I will be responsible for her pain, if I don't tell I will be responsible for her wasted years and my cowerdness. But yeah, I will never know no matter what I do. So it pretty much comes down to what would make me happier, doesn't it. That makes me selfish, doesn't it. Ugh!

MM, I wish you minded your own business and cared for your wives!

[RecordProducer]

So, now I'm thoroughly intrigued - in the end, which way do you want it? Happy and ignorant, as above, or:

In any case HAPPY!

 

Trimmer, I am obviously not quite sure how I feel about these questions.It's hard to talk in conditional tense, you need to live through this situation in order to know for sure. If I don't know, would I want to know? What I don't know can't hurt me so I am better off not knowing, but if you ask me if I want to know, sure I wouldn't say: "No, don't tell me! I don't wanna know!"

 

Can't you see things anywhere between black and white? Nonetheless I am glad my ambiguity intrigues you!

[RecordProducer]

In the big picture would it matter? Nope? My reaction would still be the same no matter the reasons for the OW in telling me.

Nobody knows the big picture. What if the wife never finds out and they live happily ever after?

 

And what if the wife finds out and they get divorced and their kids suffer and she re-marries and the other man molests the children, etc.?

 

What is the big picture?

[My_Other_I]

Nobody knows the big picture. What if the wife never finds out and they live happily ever after?

 

And what if the wife finds out and they get divorced and their kids suffer and she re-marries and the other man molests the children, etc.?

 

What is the big picture?

Would you really live happilly ever after based on lies? That's called denial, not hapily ever after. I know it's a personal choice, but I'd rather invest my life and feelings into someone worthy, not into my fantasy.

The big picture is that there is a good chance she will find out sooner or later. Or she will live in denial.

[serial muse]

I cannot speak for anyone else. But I, personally, would want to know under ANY circumstances, regardless of the motives for telling.

 

I want the opportunity to decide if this is the love I want in my life. I want to know the man I'm with. I want the chance to make that choice. As he did.

 

And if I decide I don't want to stay, I want the chance to find new love, on my terms.

 

I know life isn't fair. I know nobody "owes" anybody anything. But I still think there are such things as justice, and honor, even if it's only abstract. And I think it's justice, to give the wife a chance to make those decisions for herself.

 

Again, I know I can't speak for anyone else. I know there are some people who would rather not know. (But none of them have posted here, interestingly.)

 

Edited to add: MOI just posted a similar sentiment. Obviously, I agree.

[Jessie61]

 

I cannot speak for anyone else. But I, personally, would want to know under ANY circumstances, regardless of the motives for telling.

 

I want the opportunity to decide if this is the love I want in my life. I want to know the man I'm with. I want the chance to make that choice.

 

 

I totally agree with this. And even if the bad news came from a "half-crazed vindictive OW from Hell", would I shoot the messenger? No way!

 

I am (was?) an OW myself and I have followed the discussion about motives for telling. During the 2 year A I think that I must have dumped my MM more than 30 times; he hasn't been ready to leave and I have said fine, but then he has to leave me alone so that I can get on with my life. Each and every time I have broken it off with him, he has come back after me. Sometimes 5 weeks later, sometimes 2 days later.

 

I have always respected his wishes. I know loads of you out there will think I am a fool for even saying this, but I do know that he loves me. And for the record, I love him. The reason why he has hesitated is the children. He adores them and he has been terrified of what a D might do to them. Fair enough, but then I have decided that I am not going to waste more time on this and that I have to cut my losses and get out. Flip side of that coin? He has to leave ME alone...

 

Because of HIM breaking the NC each and every time I have initiated it, I have been totally frustrated at times because I have felt that he has not respected MY wishes the same way I have respected his. I have been very angry with him many times (and I have told him!) because of his waltzing in and out of my life when it has suited HIM; it is so incredibly selfish when I am trying to be fair to him! Each time I have had to tell him to leave me alone again, my heart has been broken all over again and the grieving process has to start yet again etc. There is only so much a person can take, right?

 

Anyway, there have been moments when I have felt that the only way this cycle of NC/breaking of NC will end - remember that this drama has been going on solidly for well over a year! - is for me to tell the W. Then he'd have to concentrate on other things than me, she'd NEVER leave him for various reasons, they might fix their M like friends of theirs did when the H was caught cheating and having a baby with OW etc... And before everyone starts jumping down my throat - I HAVEN'T DONE IT! I have been frustrated and tempted, but I have not done it. Why? Because I want to be a good, fair and responsible person as much as I can, even when I am clearly not treated the same way by the other person...

 

My MM is aware of these "mental gymnastics" that I have had to engage in because I have told him when asking him to leave me alone, but unfortunately it has not worked. He's back with a promise and a deadline in a few weeks time, but that is probably a topic for another thread completely...?

 

Anyway, that is my contribution to this debate.

[My_Other_I]

I want the opportunity to decide if this is the love I want in my life. I want to know the man I'm with. I want the chance to make that choice. As he did.

 

And if I decide I don't want to stay, I want the chance to find new love, on my terms.

 

 

Edited to add: MOI just posted a similar sentiment. Obviously, I agree.

That's exactly why I was considering it in the first place. I wanted to give her a choice. I do struggle though; I don't know much about them. Maybe she is like Record Producer and maybe she doesn't want to know.