Attn: Midori

[Waxed Out]

Well I read your response to my posting and I'm trying to ask my so called ex what's going on but I don't have the courage to ask her because it might push her to the brink.

 

Yesterday I saw her sister and I asked her what is up with her sister. She told me that the reason why she said we are broken up is to stop me from nagging her. Now isn't this childish or what! She also told me that she loves me tremendously and needs me to get through her finally school year. This wasn't an issue the last three years she was in school. I'm wondering if she's using the excuse of school and work to tell me it's over for real. But I'm confused by her actions still because she wants to go tonite for dinner(well I asked her and she agreed!).I don't know if her sister is telling me the truth or what but I'm so lost right now about this relationship that I'm about to give it up so I could get back some sanity. Yet I love her so much that I want to be there for her. I really need your advice MIDORI!

 

P.S. Her sister also said that we are still together by heart!!

[midori]

P.S. Her sister also said that we are still together by heart!!

First of all, as tempting as it is to want her sister's take on your situation, her sister is not directly involved (nor should she be). You don't know what her sister's agenda is. Maybe her sister believes you & the relationship are good things that ought to be preserved -- but that doesn't mean that's how your ex feels.

 

Sorry but there's no getting around it. You've got to be straightforward with her. You love her, so I think you ought to put that out there, that you want to get back together and work through whatever issues are between you. This neither/nor (neither lovers nor just friends) thing isn't going to be a good thing for either of you -- clearly it's causing you a lot of grief. So I think you've got to be honest with yourself and with your ex, and expect the same from her.

 

Let's look at the worst-case scenario. You go out tonight and you tell her that you're confused about the current status of your relationship, you're confused about why you guys broke up, and you'd really like to get back together. And let's say that she's adamant that getting back together is not an option. So where does that leave you, exactly? You've been painfully honest with her. So if she stonewalls you, not giving meaningful answers about a) why she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore and b) what she does want from you now, I think you've got to make the painful but necessary move of removing yourself from her immediate life altogether.

 

I've just crawled out of a lengthy relationship marked by nebulous intentions, unclear status & loyalty and, ultimately, my ex's inability to take responsibility for his own happiness and emotional well-being. I'm not saying that's what's going on with you but I will say that when things are uncertain in a relationship you've got to be extra careful to know what you want and to know the limits of what you can bear. Be explicit -- first with yourself and then with her. Don't worry about pushing her too much. You're not going to give her a nervous break-down just by asking for some clarity from her. And if she does overreact, well, that just tells you that she's in no place to be in any kind of relationship right now because she's too wrapped up in herself.

 

Don't let her self-absorbtion or evasiveness prevent you from getting what you need -- which is just the truth! That shouldn't be too hard for her to provide. If she's not able/willing for whatever reason to be in a relationship with you then she needs to be clear about that and then follow through. That means no more daily phone calls, no more intimate moments that are inappropriate for friends. That means she lets go of you and wishes you well as you move away from her and on to someone else. If she's not prepared to do that then you've got to act on your own behalf and put distance between the two of you. It's so easy to lose your voice in a relationship when you're trying to be considerate of your partner. Consideration and understanding are great things but not if they come at the cost of silencing yourself and your own needs.

 

Good luck. I really hope it goes well. Give us an update!