BIG Trust Issues...

[Guest]

I have been dating my guy for 4 mths, but he constantly thinks I am cheating on him!! He thinks I have been seeing my best (bloke) mate behind his back, there have been nights that he claims he can smell a man off me... (I have taken this quite personally, I hope I don't smell like a man!!). I just don't know how to cure this. Is it just that he can't trust me or is he insecure? What do I do?!?!?!?

[MadDog]

He sounds a bit like an insecure, jealous tool. Sorry, but at least there are other guys out there.

[tigger]

Let me paint your future with this guy:

 

Soon, he'll tell you you aren't able to go out. Or when you do, he'll get angry with you.

 

Then, he'll tell you what you can and can't wear - or ask who you are trying to impress?

 

Then, he'll have issue with all your friends!

 

Then, he'll have issues with any comments made regarding how cute people on TV or movies are.

 

Going forward it could progress into more than jealousy but outright anger and emotional abuse. If he's really GREAT , he'll push you around a little, try to strangle you - you get my point.

 

DUMP HIM! I wasted 13 years of my life on someone like him!!!!!!!!!!

[Curmudgeon]

You forgot isolating her from all members of her family. That's what controllers and abusers do!

[ATrain]

Well that does sound weird. However, can I ask if you have done anything to feed his insecurity? I'm not pointing fingers at you but I'd be curious if there have been any "incidents" that might cause him not to trust you? I was in a realtionship where my EX lied to me early on about something she should not have and consequently I never trusted her after that. If you haven't lied to him about anything then I would tell you to get out, but if you have been dishonest about other stuff then you should cut him some slack and look at what you are doing to cause his behavior.

[Guest]

I don't feel that I have done anything to provoke it. I feel the total opposite! I have been totaly honest with him with EVERYTHING! I have tried to reassure him that I am with him and him only, but yet there always seem to be an issue with something. I just don't know if I can deal with someone elses insecurities when they are so bad. I have my own little insecurities I have to deal with!!!!

 

Another thing, he seems to think he can see me whenever it suits him, and cancel when he feels like it, but yet I make arrangements without him and I am the worst in the world! I am just beginning to feel that I am here for his convenience. I have to point out though that he has been on his best behaviour the past few days!!

 

 

Well that does sound weird. However, can I ask if you have done anything to feed his insecurity? I'm not pointing fingers at you but I'd be curious if there have been any "incidents" that might cause him not to trust you? I was in a realtionship where my EX lied to me early on about something she should not have and consequently I never trusted her after that. If you haven't lied to him about anything then I would tell you to get out, but if you have been dishonest about other stuff then you should cut him some slack and look at what you are doing to cause his behavior.

[Guest]

I can see where you are coming ffrom, but the stage that I am at with him, I just cannot imagine him having that sort of a streak, to me abusive in any shape or form. Some of the traits you mentioned below are visible to me already though.... :-{

 

Let me paint your future with this guy:

 

Soon, he'll tell you you aren't able to go out. Or when you do, he'll get angry with you.

 

Then, he'll tell you what you can and can't wear - or ask who you are trying to impress?

 

Then, he'll have issue with all your friends!

 

Then, he'll have issues with any comments made regarding how cute people on TV or movies are.

 

Going forward it could progress into more than jealousy but outright anger and emotional abuse. If he's really GREAT , he'll push you around a little, try to strangle you - you get my point.

 

DUMP HIM! I wasted 13 years of my life on someone like him!!!!!!!!!!

[gemmab2020]

thanks all for your help. Sorry, I am a beginner to this whole thread thing and I tried to post replies to you all but think they got lost somewhere!! I do apologise!! Anyway... he has just updated his friends reunited profile and is still stating that he is single... I know, I know, not a big thing, but he was looking to hook up with his friends from school, but I am guessing he doesn't want them to know that he is dating someone??? He bought a new mp3 player on Monday morning, broke his date with me tonight so he could stay at home playing with it (and updating his friends reunited profile as it turned out!!), but yet was able to still play football last night?? I am always feeling like I am having to slot into his life just 'whenever he feels like it' and yet, if I was to change our plans or do something outside of the relationship I would be accused of cheating on him and accused of 'away off galavanting'. He went to visit his parents at Easter (a few weeks ago just!) but I didn't get an invite... he went for a 5day weekend but didn't include me... I think the tables have turned slightly... maybe I am the one that is jealous?? I just feel that it would have been nice for him to maybe invite me down to where he grew up to meet his friends and his family, or even for him to have stayed here a day or two and spent some time with me. Am I being unreasonable or is this relationship seeming very one-sided??? I feel that I always slot in where he wants me to, but yet he is the one that gets jealous and insecure when I want to do something for myself. He never makes plans with me for a Friday night either... just incase his work colleagues decide to go out for a drink. Please help! I feel like I am going cazy!!!!

[gemmab2020]

and sorry, just to reply to you from before (sorry, I didn't note the name!! I will get better, I promise), I don't feel that I have provoked his jealousy or insecurities in any way. I have been totally upfront and honest with him about all aspects of my life. I do feel though that I am not really that important to him, unless it suits him! It always seems to be to suit him!! He wears the trousers I suppose you could say. Thanks again everyone for your help.

[aleatoryd]

Initially I was going to say that he sounds like the kind of guy who is possessive and things will only get worse - get out now. Now after reading your latest update my reponse has changed considerably:

 

GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

 

There are better guys out there who will treat you better. I had a friend well actually she's my friends sister. Anyway this girl L had a really possessive b/f who would tell her what to do and eventually pushed away all her friends. Then he would go out without her as a "single guy" sleeping with other girls behind her back. And all the time he was suspicious of her and jealous that she might cheat!

 

Some people have serious character flaws and treat others badly because they think other people are like them. If he's acting all single, drops you in an instant and won't let you do the family thing then he isn't really treating you like you are important. You aren't in a real relationship and this will only turn abusive. Accusing you of being unfaithful is 1) Because he is 2) To push away anyone close to you who might oppose him or reveal what and a**h*** he is.

 

His plan is to break you so you are alone, so you depend on him as "the man". This guy plans his life for himself and he will just use you when he wants. Read about relationships because this isn't a healthy one and you know you want, deserve and could have better. Think about what you want in life and find someone who wants the same thing. Someone you can connect to and will give you 100%. You sound like you have your head screwed on so I hope you make the right decision. All the best.

[gemmab2020]

Thankyou very much for that. I know I can do better, and I know he isn't 'the one' or even close to it!! I do have my head screwed on and I do know that seeing this guy that I should be floating with delight, and I have never had that feeling when I have been with him. I want to have the feeling of butterflies in my stomach before I am ready to meet him for a date. I want him to make me feel special, and I guess I am just going to have to realise that after 4mths of trying, it isn't going to happen. I just keep holding off hoping things will get better, but I know they will only get worse through time. I suppose I am only going to prolong things by sitting back and waiting for something to happen. I am making next years new years resolution to give up men altogether!!

[gemmab2020]

sorry!! im back with more. I usually see my guy every wednesday night (it's one of our nights), but he got his new mp3 player thingy and asked could he change to thursday night. I agreed (he does this quite often). got an email from him saying that one of the guys out work was leaving and they were going for a drink after work at 5:30. 8'clock came... still hadn't heard from him. then he finally rang, he was on his way home, said he was deffo coming round but had to get a shower and get something to eat first so it could be 10 before he was mine. I held him to it cuz he had made plans with me! I had an awful day at work today. Im temping in a job that I discovered i really liked and had applied for the full-time job. the interview was down to 2 people but i found out today i didnt get the job cuz i lack the sales experience and i finish there next friday :-(. So....... 9:20 and he is ringing me asking do i really want him to come round. there was no point as it was so late etc... no remember, he has done this before! I was well annoyed. Had decided today that i was going to finish with him. Tried to do that and blamed tnite as the reason, thought it would have been easy that way!!! But oh no... he turned everything around and made it seem like i was expecting too much from him, that he was never going to see that guy again etc... i never would have asked him not to go but I feel he could have arranged his time better and came home earlier and kept his plans with me. anyway, to cut the story short, he refused to come round because of the time (keeping in mind him breaking and changing our plans is a regular thing!). He has a tendancy to do whatver he wants without consulting me, where i always would consult him always before i make arrangements to do something on my own! What is happening here?? How have i been left feeling hat this was all my fault?? and how am i still with him after finishing with him?? I have tried to finish it numerous times before but he always seems to turn things around and talk his way out of it. Am i thick?? why does he do this? how is it possible to talk his way into a relationship???!!! and he has started the whole "im going home" when he says that i am annoying his head. I stopped him the first time, but after that I realised he was vluffing so after that I just said "good, go, and make sure and close the door when you leave"... he never went home... started hugging and kissing round me after that. i just think its very childish and i cant really understand why he would say he's going if he has no intentions of doing so... help me! I may need a few classes on understanding men...

[MadDog]

I usually see my guy every wednesday night (it's one of our nights), but he got his new mp3 player thingy and asked could he change to thursday night.

 

Nothing like being prioritized behind an MP3 player to make a girl feel special, I'm sure. Just wait until the Playstation 3 comes out--you might not see him for weeks.

 

Is this your first relationship? The reason I ask is because you don't seem to understand that in a relationship, the other person has to make you a priority in his or her life in order for it to work. Otherwise, it's not really a relationship and it's more like casual dating (e.g. hanging out when it's convenient.)

 

Are you looking for a casual or serious relationship? It seems like you want a serious relationship in which case I'd advise you to dump your current guy and look for someone else who will take things more seriously and make you more of a priority.

[gemmab2020]

Nothing like being prioritized behind an MP3 player to make a girl feel special, I'm sure. Just wait until the Playstation 3 comes out--you might not see him for weeks.

 

 

 

No this is not my first relationship! I have been engaged to a guy and lived with a guy before (not a mountain on experience i kow!). I feelt hat I should be priority in his life, but he makes me feel like I am asking too much. He doesn't seem to see the problem in our relationship, where as I do, there are too many problems to list. And yet I'm not even able to finish with him without him talking his way round it! He is priority in my life. It is casual relationship more-or-less, but thats not what it's supposed to be! We have had the discussion before and he seems to think that this is a serious relationship!! He seems to think he does make me a priority in his life.

 

I do want a serious relationship, I want to be the centre of someones universe. I want to be the one who makes their world go round. Yet with him I feel like I am always second best. And sometimes not even. I am finding it so hard to break away from him... and I know it's the best thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier. When things come to an end, it's always sad. Life I suppose! I just thoght I had met mr right, but how wrong could I have been.

 

The sun is shining and I am going to have a few vodkas tonight! lol! Need to pull myself together.

[tigger]

I loved the "am I thick" question.

 

We tend to do whatever is easiest for us at the time. His "talking his way out of it" and your giving in is because it's easier to give in than it is to continue to "fight" or be disturbed with how things are going at that time.

 

Since you don't really see him that often, is it possible for you to stop it all together over the phone, and force yourself to tell him why you don't want to continue the relationship with him, and that it's your final thoughts on it and that unless he has any questions, you'd like to end the conversation, and go to bed or whatever. Then do your very best to not answer if he calls back etc.

 

I'm not going to judge you for finding it difficult to put an end to it. I did it for 13 years. But I'm so serious when I say it will be so much easier now than a year or two down the road.

 

If you don't think he will be the abusive type (per earlier post), maybe push his buttons a little and go out with your friends. Don't allow yourself to be so accomodating to him and miss some of his phone calls, then don't call back. I'm not saying to play a game with him, but maybe forcing him to receive the same treatment he is giving you will help him understand why you are upset with him, and not really enjoying your relationship.

 

Best wishes!!!!

[gemmab2020]

I have just deleted every trace of him! well, i have deleted his number anyway! ha!

 

You have been so helpfull. And you are right, I should do onto him the way he does onto me. Infact, I have done it! I have played him at his 'own game' and let me tell you, it didn't go down well at all...

 

Still didn't make him realise though that it was the exact same treatment he gave me. It's a no win situation!

 

I do know that if things were to continue, **crap! he has just text me on my cell phone, looking to come round!! what do i do?!?!?!?!?!** anyway, I know that it will be a lot harder to break the cycle in a year down the line.

 

I am such a wuss... I want him to come round, but at the same time I don't. Bloody mess I am... Obviously deleting his number didn't do me any good!

 

Thanks very much for all the advice. I still have so much to learn in the ways of the world and appreciate every bit of advice someone has to offer me. I do take it all on board, but I am one of these people that has to experience it for myself before I learn my lesson. If you tell me why I shouldn't put my hand in the fire, I want to know why I shouldn't!

 

Too inquisitive for my own good!