Dont like husbands sleezy friend

[Guest]

My husband has recently been hanging out with a guy who is about 11 years younger (kid about twenty-one). I dont like this "kid" becuase he acts like your typical immature idiot. When my H is around him, he turns into the same immature dick, and thinks its funny. Recently, his friend wants him to go out drinking with him. I know his friend cheats on his girl and is a sleeze. He has gotten drunk, called my hub, and insulted me. But, they say it was ok because he was drunk and doesnt remember.

I dont like my husband hanging out with this "kid" and I have told him so. Now, my H looks at me like a controllng MOM and he thinks he can do what he wants. I told him his friend has no respect for me or our marriage because he is constantly calling for my h to go out. I get mad, b/c this kid needs to understand we are a family and he is butting in way too much. I have no problems with my husband going out with other men his age, or men that are married. Am I worng to think that? I really dont think age is the problem, it is the immaturity level of sleeziness of this individual.

[Looppy33]

You are right about what youe posted, IMO. Its not age, but maturity of the person. If he cheats, and acts like an idiot, an your husband does too, then NO this is not a good thing. It sounds to me like your husband may be going through what they call a midlife crisis and hanging out with a 21 year old makes him feel younger, especially if there are younger women around. My husband is 34, and I asked him about this post, and he said No. He would not hang out with someone so young because he would not be able to relate to a 21 year old. All that is on the majority of a 21 year old male mind is drinking and sex. So, if your husband likes hanging around with his new friend, I am sure the drinking, girls, sex and party life is what he wants. My husband said that its too risky and if your husband really values you as his wife, he would not indulge in this behavior.

[Presario]

I would be unhappy about this too. It reminds me of the movie "The Good Girl" in that the husband has a friend who upsets the wife.

[Woggle]

Quite honestly he ha sthe right tyo have his friends. I have friends who do drugs, make money illegally and all of that but I will never drop them. For all their faults they helped me out, gave me a place to stay when I left home and are always their when I need it even when they feel like I am forgetting where I came from. My fiance must respect these bonds or else she can go somewhere else. Truth be told friends for the most part are far more loyal to men than women are so if a woman makes me choose she will lose out.

[Trimmer]

The friend of the OP's husband doesn't respect the marriage. This kind of friend is a wedge.

 

My fiance must respect these bonds or else she can go somewhere else.

 

I can see this, if I also hold my friends to the same standard: they must respect the marriage I have chosen to enter into, or else they can go somewhere else... If they really are loyal to me, they should have no problem with that at all. Disrespect for my marriage is disloyal to me.

 

It's good that you and your fiancee have gotten this understanding clearly out in the open, so you each know what the other's priorities, loyalties, and expectations are before you guys marry.

[lindya]

I can see this, if I also hold my friends to the same standard: they must respect the marriage I have chosen to enter into, or else they can go somewhere else... If they really are loyal to me, they should have no problem with that at all. Disrespect for my marriage is disloyal to me.

 

I've sometimes noticed that the respect men extend to a friend's girlfriend will correlate with the amount of respect they have for the friend himself. Times I've gone out with someone who's considered to be top of the pecking order amongst his friends, I've been made to feel very welcome and included by his friends...whereas one guy I went out with, and got really attached to, was pretty much bottom of the pile amongst his friends. Boy did it show in their attitude towards me.

 

Bit off topic, sorry - but that's the sort of thing that demonstrates to me that many people still tend to define a woman by the man she's in a relationship with. To the OP, this young guy might well not be mature enough to have much respect for anyone...be that you or your husband.

 

If your husband can't see that, though (or doesn't care if his friends don't respect his relationship) then I'm not sure what's to be done. Personally I would take a shrugging "I don't rate him, but it's up to you who you're friends with" attitude...then start focusing more on my own life, friends and interests.

 

Your husband will probably get bored of/burned by this annoying little s*** eventually...but your open disapproval of the friendship won't do anything to hasten its demise.

[carmaenforcer]

You are ok in feeling like you do, I hate relationship bud-in-skis too. It's not necessarily the guys age, but maturity level but in most cases maturity or lack of it comes with maturity. I have had this problem with a couple of ex's of mine. The bud-in ski friend, you know the one you encourage drive home drunk. j/k

No but seriously, it's good that you talked to your H about it, I don't know if he will listen because he might be trying to live vicariously through this younger guy, hoping for a scrap or two to fall his way, or maybe just trying to erase 10 years off of himself by hanging with younger people. Guys sometimes hit mid life crises status early and this is one of the ways they cope. I don't see anything wrong with your husband trying to make new friends, IF it doesn't interfere with the marriage.

I personally would draw the line at them going out to bars together, I know you just said "go out drinking but I don't think he means hanging out in a garage or back yard BBQing.

Yeah, people his age may not put as much importance in the family unit, hell they might have just left the one that he shared with their parents.

So unfortunately if your H is too lost in the fantasy to think clearly for himself, you do have to play the role of nagging Mother, but that's his problem, not yours, lay down the law fast and hard, before things get bad, because they will.

[Pink_Tulip]

I think the type of people a H puts in front of his wife and kids says a lot about that mans integrity, values and character.

 

If you feel this is a problem in your marriage, IT IS. You both don't have to agree to make it so.

 

From your post, this seems to have happened suddenly. Is your H depressed? Are there needs that he feels are not being met, so he is acting out this way, looking for attention elsewhere? If so, I would suggest talking to him immediately, going to marriagebuilders.com, and maybe counseling.

 

If he is just going through some selfish phase and is neglecting your needs to have fun, again, I would recommend the above, but you also need to be very firm in your expectations of your marriage. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to change. Or something bad may happen while you sit back and hope he comes to his senses. Good luck.

[Woggle]

What is this about lay down the law? She doesn't own him and she is not his mother. This shows that many women just view men as children which I am not. If the roles were reversed you guys would be calling him a control freak.

[Trimmer]

This discussion isn't about the gender roles. Any spouse who lets "friends" act disrespectfully towards the marriage and the other spouse should realize that these friends are not friends of the marriage, and that this is a time to decide where your priorities are. And I'll say what I said before about loyalty, without the gender reference: any friend who is truly loyal would respect a marriage; any friend who disrespects the marriage is a disloyal friend.

 

It doesn't matter who's in the role of the man or the woman - this discussion isn't about that - either way, you have to stand up for yourself and insist on respect for yourself and your marriage.

 

Male or female - someone who allows their "friends" to disrespect the marriage is sending a clear message to their spouse how their priorities are aligned.

[RecordProducer]

I think the problem is that you wonder what he found in this kid to hang out with him, cuz what YOU found is sleaziness, infidelity, rudeness, etc.

 

I think your husband needs some space - that's why he went on the other extreme side. He needs fun. I also think you have some problems in your marriage so he's kinda h=getting back at you with this kid, because normally a man wouldn't let anyone insult his wife, especially not take crap from a drunken idiot. (What was the thing that he said, btw?)

 

The friendship per se is not a threat to you; it's the husband's feelings and need to cool off. Let him be! The less you care the less HE will care about hanging out with this kid.

 

Dress sexy and go out with your friends, tell him he can go out with the kid if he wants, then come home late. I bet next time he'll think twice about associating with morons.

[Pink_Tulip]

The friendship per se is not a threat to you; it's the husband's feelings and need to cool off. Let him be! The less you care the less HE will care about hanging out with this kid.

 

I have to disagree with this. If the H is feeling neglected somehow, which is why he is looking to have some need fulfilled outside the marriage going out to bars and looking for attention, and she pulls back a bit, it might justify, in his mind, him doing something destructive, like an affair.

 

I think you really need to find out why he is going out and what he is getting out of it, and why he doesn't feel he can get that IN the marriage.

 

Of course, if he is just a jerk, self centered type, and was before this, RP's solution would probably work best. But then in that situation I'd have ask, why would you marry someone like that in the first place.

[Woggle]

No matter how good a marriage is people need a seperate life and their own friends. It's healthy.

[RecordProducer]

I have to disagree with this. If the H is feeling neglected somehow, which is why he is looking to have some need fulfilled outside the marriage going out to bars and looking for attention, and she pulls back a bit, it might justify, in his mind, him doing something destructive, like an affair.

 

That's a good point. But he might also feel overwhelmed and pressured or stuck. She shouldn't suffocate him either. Given the choice of his friend - fun and wild - he needs more excitement. The wife should determine what's going on as she has the information about hewr own marriage, then try to fix it.

[Adunaphel]

I am very wary of guys who suddenly start to hang out with kids (or with very younger people). Expecially if their friends drink too much, act like idiots and disrespect their own relationships.

 

Is there a way to check on them, get to know where they go and how they spend their time? (doing this a couple of times should be enough).

Do you have a guyfriend or a girlfriend that would be willing to choose *casually* the same place they pick to have a drink?

 

Also, I think that when your H decides that it's okay for his friend to insult you while drunk, "just because he is drunk", it means that your H might be , so to speak, losing touch with reality.

 

When people lose touch with reality, are often at risk of disrespecting their relationships.

I hope I'm just paranoid but I'd keep an eye on H.

If you find out you don't have to worry, the better.

[Craig]

No matter how good a marriage is people need a seperate life and their own friends. It's healthy.

Sage advice that will no doubt be ignored by many.

[typical]

especially if there are younger women around.

 

Young men = young(er) women present.

 

 

 

Temptation, constant competition, and the like. I know what I am talking about. My BF has a younger male friend, roughly the same ages as yours, and TRUST me, this kid would love to see us split apart because he is off centered, not happy and wrecking his own life.....

 

I will tell you what has worked for me...BE SUPER NICE. Because this is a precarious situation. Your husband is at the edge of the cliff with this kid, and you dont want this kid to bad mouth you any more than he already has, and bring your husband around tempting situations all the while bad mouthing you....Be nice. Soon the kid will be eating out of your palm. I am sure you can work your own little version of magic on him.

 

This kid hated me, made rude comments all the time...I told BF that I dont like him, and BF says "just dont listen to him".....which didnt help...

 

To make matters worse, this friend would constantly brag about the latest hoe he scored, how great her titties are, in vivid detail the sexual escapes, basically trying to play up his pathetic life in efforts to make my BF feel s***ty about missing out.....

 

Since I played the "nice gal" routine, some MAJOR changes have come about.....and some pleasing things as well, like my BF suddenly becoming jealous of said friend which led him to not hang out quite so much

[Pink_Tulip]

That's a good point. But he might also feel overwhelmed and pressured or stuck. She shouldn't suffocate him either. Given the choice of his friend - fun and wild - he needs more excitement. The wife should determine what's going on as she has the information about hewr own marriage, then try to fix it.

 

I agree. I think doing anything extreme, either smothering him or backing off, is a bad idea. The OP really needs to sit down and talk with her husband and find out what is going on. Maybe counseling is in order.

[RecordProducer]

Sage advice that will no doubt be ignored by many.

Actually I read it and agreed with it, just didn't write it down. People do need friends and it's a bit controlling to approve or disapprove your spouse's friends. But sometimes it makes sense if the friend is bad influence. The thing is, I don't believe in bad influence. I think could hang out with the "wrong" people once in a while if they are fun and not pick up anything from them. The main question is: why is the husband suddenly attracted to a young guy that lives his life to the fullest, crosses the limits of decency and lives an empty life (screwing around and drinking)? The other important question is: why did he let his "friend" insult his wife?

And one more important question: why did the kid allow himself to insult his friend's wife?

[Trimmer]

No matter how good a marriage is people need a seperate life and their own friends. It's healthy.

 

I can agree with this, but I also recognize that the activities you persue in that separate life and the friends that you associate with can either be supportive of your marriage, neutral, or destructive to it. Saying "I need my own friends" isn't an excuse to accept individual friends who become active enemies of the marriage. That is not healthy.

 

And I find myself agreeing with RP on the subject of what is really the root issue here... If the H is willing to accept and write off this kind of behavior in a "friend", (I'm talking specifically about insulting the wife) then somehow simply forcing the issue and getting rid of the friend won't solve the root problem. There is some other problem in the relationship - a fundamental lack of respect or intimacy or something.